Secrets Secrets Are No Fun. S19, Ep8.

The Hometown Dates are upon us. We're gonna be down to the final three at the end of the night and one step closer to the end of Chris Soules' reign as The Bachelor and one step closer to me having my Monday nights back. No mas! 

Soules is not happy with Britt’s reaction from the previous night.

1-on-1 w/ Becca:

Soules wants a low key date with Becca. Read: Boring. They sit around a pretty sick loft in Des Moines and just hang out. Becca, “I’ve never been in love with anyone.” Her last relationship was off and on for 4 years but there was never any love behind that long of a relationship? They go up on the roof to watch the sunset. Kissy-kissy. Nothing to see here.

Back at the Renaissance. The girls are gossiping about Britt. Britt comes in, conveniently. Britt, "I'm gonna leave before the rose ceremony tomorrow." Prove it! Here come the waterworks. Carly is calling her out on her BS again. I see what Carly is saying about Britt being wrong for Soules, but Carly's kind of a hater. 

Whitney, about Britt, “Looks aren’t everything. You gotta work for it." More tears from Britt in the hallway.

Cocktail Party:

Carly, “All Britt wants is for Chris to beg her not to leave.” Correct.

Harrison comes in and says there’s no Cocktail Party! WHAT?! Life is over as I know it! How is Britt gonna tell Chris that she wants to leave?  Oh no! No closure for Britt. On to the Rose Ceremony. Line up, ladies.

Soules, “I’m falling in love. It’s happening. I have some tough decisions to make.” Britt takes him aside. The girls are catty. Britt wants the validation and she’s not sure she’ll get it. If that’s the case then she wants to do the breaking up. She's selfish.

Britt apologizes for the previous night. She’s annoying. Soules tells her about how the other girls don’t think she’s being honest. STOP TELLING SOULES THINGS!! Britt, “Was it Carly?” Soules, “Why does it matter.” Shut up Britt! She gone! Tears. She better not be the next Bachelorette. 

Carly is still being very catty. “The prettiest girl in the room now knows what it’s like to be like the rest of us.” Hey, Carly, YOU'RE ALL PRETTY! Britt will be fine. If being Bachelor famous doesn't work out she still has that waitressing thing to fall back on.

Carly is pretty pleased with herself. Britt, ‘crying,’ “Carly is my friend. I don’t know why she would tell Chris. I really trusted Carly.” Britt realizes that this is a game, yeah? I know she's seen the show.

Rose Ceremony:

Soules, “I just sent Britt home and I think it was for the best. I don’t think I could trust her. I’m not playing games.”

Roses go to…

Kaitlyn, already has one.

Whitney

Becca

Jade

Adios, Carly. It’s been real. Karma came around. Who’s gonna be Soules’ bff now? Kaitlyn, “She’ll be okay.”

Carly, in limo, “I’m gonna be really sad... again. What’s new? Why is it so hard to just want me?” Will someone give Carly a hug. She'd be a terrible Bachelorette. 

Becca Hometown:

Shreveport, Louisiana. Typical San Diegan, not from San Diego.

Run, jump in arms, wrap legs around Chris, kiss. 

This is the first time that she’s brought home anyone to meet her parents. There’s a first time for everything, Becca. EVERYTHING.

Why are they sitting in swamp in a canoe by themselves? 

Becca’s got a big family. Mom, Dad, Sister/Husband, kids, Doc, Grumpy, and Sleepy.

Her family is giving Becca the business about Soules being the 1^st guy she’s brought home. That would worry me. Her sister is straight up telling Chris that she’s a prude. Soules is a little concerned. You mean to tell me that she's never had the touch of a man?

Becca's mom, “I’ve never seen her demeanor like this when she’s with you. This is big.” She doesn’t want to see Becca get hurt. Man, if she gets to the final 2 and then loses, that would be bad. I wanna see that. 

Becca’s sis, “You’re getting close to the Fantasy Suite. Does he know?” About what? Does it rhyme with surgeon?

Kissy-kissy before he leaves. But wait, there's more!! He takes her with him to the Louisiana State Fair, which is closed for the night. They go on the Ferris Wheel. They’re stuck at the top! We can’t get them down! Looks like you have to stay up there. They’re cool up there, they're just gonna make out a little more.

Whitney Hometown:

Chicago. Chicago? I guess if your parents aren’t in your life.

Run, hug, pick up, kiss.

Whitney, “What do you say we go make a baby?!” Off to Whitney’s work. She loves her work. Something has to fill the void in her life that a man would otherwise fill. I would rather meet her friends, but that's just me.

She gives Soules scrubs to wear. Whitney, "He's so hot in those scrubs." Whitney really is making babies, aka playing God. Whitney decides to yank Soules chain a bit and asks him if he can give her a sample of his sperm. Get to jerkin', Chris. Are there computers in the jerk rooms? Nope, just archaic porn like Playboys and a TV. Does it take DVDs or Tapes? Nurse, the tracking is off.

Chris, “I’m pretty confident my soldier’s are marching.” I like that one. I may use that.

Who do we get to meet in Whitney’s family? Grandma, Uncle, Sister Kimberly and her Husband. Soules wants to ask someone for a possible blessing on marriage. Whitney, "Ask my sister." Like it matters.

Sis on sis talk. Her sister’s not really believing in this process. Kimberly, don’t ruin it for Whitney! Be happy for her! Sissy doesn’t get the whole Bachelor thing. Kimberly, he’s not going to see you again. Just answer 'Yes!' Good lord, I can’t take any more crying. Make it stop!

Soules asks Kimberly for her blessing, she’s not giving it to Chris. At least, not yet. Text her in a week. Soules didn’t expect sissy to say no. Whitney is sad. Well, Kimberly blew it for ya. Just a speed bump in the road on the way to your impending break-up in the near future.

To cap off the date Whitney has a bottle of wine that she bought in Napa a while back that was a little pricey. She bought it in hopes that she could share it with her husband. She's in deeeeep. Whitney, with feeling, drops the L bomb! You ever been? Kissy-kissy.

Kaitlyn Hometown:

Phoenix. Phoenix? Are any of these women from where they say they're from? Her family is a bunch of Canadian snowbirds. Typical Canadians.

Walk, kiss, hug.

Kaitlyn has Chris meet her at a recording studio. Is she paying for this studio time? That stuff ain’t cheap. They're gonna write and record a rap song. I don't get it. Is Kaitlyn a rapper? Chris is so boring that they need to find something for filler.

Kaitlyn, “I think to watch anyone come up with rap lyrics is funny.” Coming up with them isn’t the funny part, watching someone rap them is.

Soules has no rhythm, none. At least he’s putting in effort. Soules, “I’m trying the best I can. But I suck.” He does. Chris attempts to rap, "Family means everything and so does an engagement ring." He should of just gone with the Fruity Pebbles Rap. 

Time to meet the Hosers, eh. Mom, Step-dad, Dad, Step-mom, and Sister. The new modern family and everyone gets along. According to Mom, Kaitlyn's heart was broken in her last relationship. Mom is concerned. She should be, it's gonna get broke again.

Kaitlyn tells Soules that she 'loves' him by showing him a billboard that reads 'Kaitlyn ❤ Chris.' Um, that doesn't count Kaitlyn. Say it with your filthy mouth! The billboard move is straight out of LA Story. Underrated Steve Martin movie.

Jade Hometown:

Gering, Nebraska. Pop. 8480.

Walk, hug, kiss. Simple. 

Jade, “My secret has ruined past relationships for me.” It’s no secret if it's all over the internet. 

Let's meet the Fam. Mom, Dad, Brothers. They are definitely from Nebraska.

Soules gives Jade a letterman's jacket at the house. Wonder what she's gonna do with it after she gets dumped. Burn it?

Soules tells her dad that he likes that she’s from a small town and has good core value. Dad knows something you don't know.

Zach, bro with the sweet beard and cool haircut, “You know, she's been doing her modeling thing... As long as I’ve know Jade she’s been a wild mustang, free spirit.” She does what she wants!

Alright, let’s get to the good stuff!!

Back to the Hotel where Soules is staying. Chris tells Jade that her bro said that she’s a wild mustang. “Hot mustang, but I haven’t seen the wild side.” Now?! Is it now?! Are you gonna tell him about Playboy now?

Jade, “I think there are some things about me that would surprise you. I’ve been judged on it a lot. Especially in relationships.” No judging over here!

She was a young kid moving to LA and she said 'yes' to something. No big deal. It happens. Someone in a van pulls along side you on Hollywood and Highland and offers you a role in a short film that you'd be perfect for. Before you know it your fingers are in your mouth and you're awkwardly seducing a camera with shitty New Age music in the background. We've all been there.

Jade, “If you want I could show you some of the photos?” Soules, “I mean, sure.” Boot up the laptop. HAHAHA!!! Soules’ face!! He’s so uncomfortable. Come on man, it’s Playboy. It’s tasteful. It's empowering.

HAHAHAHA!!! They’re watching the video. No way this is real life! Classic!! There's no coming back from this. I've seen the video. She's a goner.

Blue hue

Soules, “I judge you for the person you are. This won’t make me feel any differently of you.” That's nice. Soules, “It’s too hard to find a soulmate to worry about this stuff.” Jade is touched. Chris is too damn nice. For the most part he’s a standup dude. Where are his skeletons? I heard he kicked a dog once.

Soules, “I wanted to see Jade out of her shell. I saw her out of her shell. Completely out of her shell.” Like a naked ninja turtle.

Jade leaves and Soules goes straight back to the laptop. Soules, "I'll need some privacy." The cameramen kindly leave.

Rose Ceremony:

How dare we interrupt Harrison’s nap?!

Roses go to:

Whitney - #1 for the second ceremony in a row.

Kaitlyn - Wow!

Becca or Jade? Nude model or Virgin?

It’s Becca! Buh-bye Jade. You have my number.

Jade is gonna need to be reassured here somehow. Soules, “Things have moved quicker with some of the other girls.” It’s not you, it’s me. One last kiss. Jade is sad, but not that beat up about it. At least not until she hits the limo. Limo tears, also tears from Chris.

Jade, “My heart’s broken.” :( You'll be fine.

Next week:

Bali. We leave the country! Boats. Monkeys. Overnight dates. Virgin!

Credits:

Serious talk with Whitney while her tiny-ass rat-dog humps a doll.