Don't Tell a Soules. S19, Ep6.

To Be Continued...

EMT, "Kelsey? Where are you? Are you ok?" The other girls are washing their hair. They're over it. 

Kaitlyn, “Bitches be crazy.” That's what I've been screaming!

So much moaning and weird crying. Kelsey is definitely acting. I’m sure of it.

Carly, “It’s a tactical move.” I sunk your Battleship!!

Kelsey asks for Chris. Ha! Just go all out, I guess. Here comes the farmer to save the damsel in distress.

OMG! Kelsey blames Soules, somewhat passive aggressively, for her panic attack because he told the girls at the Rose Ceremony about her going to his room and playing the Sanderson Poe card. And he just lets it go! What? Is she for real? I can't stop asking myself this. I have stronger words for Kelsey but they’d be inappropriate. Kids read this blog. Like 5 year olds read it. Eat your vegetables. Also, don't tell Soules anything. More on that later.

Kelsey is done with her ‘panic attack.’ She’s fine now. All better.

Whitney doesn't envision Chris giving Kelsey a rose because of her panic attack. Sweet, sweet Whitney. Kelsey is getting a rose. Put in the bank.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses go to:

Carly

Becca

Britt

Jade

Kaitlyn

Ashley I.

Whitney

Megan

AAAHHH!!! FINAL ROSE!!!

Samantha speaks!!

21 year old Mackenzie is freaking out. IF I DON'T GET THAT LAST ROSE MY LIFE IS OVER!!

Kelsey gets the final rose! Carly, “Kelsey is a black widow.” I think you mean she knows black magic. But, whatever. Good bye Mackenzie and Samantha. Bon voyage. Your month long vacation ends in Santa Fe.

Commercial – NEIL LANE!!

Soules, “I am not here looking for drama. I’m here looking for a wife.” You came to the wrong place, my friend.

The gang is going to Deadwood, South Dakota. The Bachelor is apparently on a budget this season. Wonder what there is to do in Deadwood? Oh, a photo shoot with Soules. And screaming out from the balcony, "Hello Deadwood!!" Seems like a fun town.

Kelsey and Britt hanging on the patio, chit chatting. Kelsey is so weird. "I don’t have to be the ‘Widow.’" Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, Kels. You've been pigeon-holed.

Date Card

1-on-1 goes to Becca. Our Virgin from San Diego. Man, you can get pigeon holed pretty quick on this show. Gotta follow the narrative.

Card reads: Let’s Give Love A Shot.

"Yay! We’re so happy for you, Becca. You totally deserve this date!" <Gritting teeth>

Kelsey isn’t happy. She’s gonna go full on Kathy Bates in Misery on Chris. I can see it. What better place to do it than Deadwood? Tie Chris up, take out his legs, and go about your day.

Commercial – Kevin Costner Disney movie about running. Nope.

Becca's date begins with some horseback riding. Soules, “She’s a natural at riding horses.” She sure don't ride that dad gum horse like a virgin.

Ha! This horse riding music! I wish I had sweet background music on my horse riding dates in South Dakota.

Back at the house. Carly, “Kelsey’ is not a nice girl.” WE KNOW!

Whitney, “Easy for her to play the victim.” ENOUGH!

Time to question Kelsey. Yeah! Call her out! Kaitlyn, Whitney and Carly are coming at her, sort of. Get her, girls! Kelsey has never had a panic attack in her entire life. "It was terrifying." How do you know if you've had one?

Carly, “Chris is seeing something else than what we’re seeing.” Kelsey is stunned. She has nothing but "respect and admiration for them." Remember when she said that to 24 year old party girl earlier when she came back for a second chance? I do. We can't forget that this woman is a Guidance Counselor. 

Kelsey, "I’m blessed with eloquence. And I’m articulate and I use a lot of big words. Because I’m smart.” At least she’s humble and has humility. She came into this show thinking that she was better than everyone and she still does. The pattern started at the camping date 2 weeks ago and has continued since then. She needs to go.

Kelsey “I didn’t go on this show to, you know, be defeated and lose sight of my ultimate dream.” On the other hand, I kinda wanna see what happens if she stays longer.

Back on the boring Becca date.

Soules, “Becca is fantastic. It's the most easy, real date I’ve been on.” Kaitlyn and Costco beg to differ.

Soules, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Dammit, Chris! No! Bad Chris!

He wants 4-6 kids. Damn, dude! Maybe you should of kept Mackenzie. You're gonna need those young ovaries.

Becca, “I’m most insecure in relationships.” Oh, like everyone else ever in life!

Back at the house:

Date Card: Let's Make Sweet Music Together

Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan

2 on 1 goes to Kelsey and Ashley I. And BOOM! goes the dynamite. Let the fun begin!

Ashley is excited have the 2 on 1. She thinks she has that rose in the bag. Look, you gotta be confident. Don't show any weakness!

Becca and Soules with Country tunage in the background. That date must’ve been so boring to film. I feel for ya, cameramen/producers/editors/America.

Becca loves his laugh. "Can’t live without it." Give it a few weeks and I bet you’ll change your tune.

Virgin #2 gets a rose. And a kiss!! Kissy-kissy. You are officially the last person to be kissed by Soules. Congratulations!

Group Date:

Kaitlyn sprints towards Chris. Me first! Me first!

Let's see, how can we embarrass these girls on the group date this time? I know, country music songwriting and singing competition.

Megan, from Nashville, is excited. She's excited because she's from a place that has Country music? She's good at logic.

The girls are gonna be getting some pointers from none other than Country Music Superstars Big & Rich!! Guess they weren't too busy. Name a song after Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)... I'm waiting.

Big and Rich are here looking like a couple of traveling psychedelic doctors from the Old West. 

Carly is fired up cause she’s a singer and it’s what she does.

Jade is on the ‘strugglebus’ with the song writing. Jade, “It’s hard to write a love song about someone who’s clearly into someone else.” Makes sense.

Big, or is it Rich(?), decides to take Jade for a quick jog through Deadwood and the tumbleweeds. This’ll help her find her muse.

Britt and Soules making goo-goo gah-gah faces with each other. Can Britt make her head go back any further while looking at Soules? She’s like a pez dispenser. All the other girls are noticing how into Britt. Chris is. Deadwood, more like Awkwood. Amirite? Or amirite?

Talent show time!

Maybe some beer will help the girls loosen their singing inhibitions.

Soules is up first. Big and Rich calling him out for his lack of countryness. Soules, “Board up your windows everyone cause it’s gonna get bad, real bad.” It’s bad. But the girls love it. It’s the funniest thing ever. HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHA, Chris. You’re adorable. Put babies in me. Pick me! Pick me!

Britt’s turn. Chris is impressed by her average voice.

Kaitlyn is rapping. She don't care. Next Bachelorette NOW!

Megan is from Nashville.

Carly brings Soules up on stage and rocks his world. Maybe Carly for next Bachelorette. Nah, I wouldn't want to do that to her.

Last up, Jade. She does fine. Cletus, the banjo guy, what did you think? "It’s a hoe-down! No, wait, it's a hootenanny!"

2-on-1 Date Card:

2 girls, one rose, one stays, one goes. Let’s have good times in The Badlands.

Kelsey, “I love the badlands.” Oh really? You been to The Badlands? Cause I have. Her nervous energy is so creepy. She killed Sanderson Poe.

Night time with the 6 ladies.

Pep talk from Soules. Cheers.

1-on-1 time w/ Jade. Jade, “That was hard for me.” Soules, “That was hard for me.” That’s the point!

Jade, “I can see being in Iowa.” <Cough> Bullshit! <Cough> Bullshit!

Carly, “Why is there no rose?” Oh, did you do well in a challenge today or something?

1-on-1 w/ Kaitlyn. Those tattoos on her triceps are annoying.

Alone time with Britt. Soules LOVES Britt. Wait, where are they running to? A Big and Rich show? What? They’re, like, my favorite country band! They have that one song, and...

VIP treatment to a “packed out” auditorium in which they walk right through to the front with ease. It’s ain’t packed out Britt. You live in Hollywood, go to the Palladium sometime.

Who’s doing a show in Deadwood? There was no one in town earlier. All of them must have been at the packed out auditorium this afternoon. He gives her a rose up on stage. Soules is starting to piss me off. Just cancel the rest of the show. It’s over.

The rest of the girls are gonna be pissed!! Capital 'P' pissed.

Oh, I know that song! Awkward dancing from Britt and Soules. ♫ Save a horse, ride a farmboy. ♫

Here comes the happy couple, Britt with a rose. They've been gone for over an hour. Yup, the girls aren’t happy. What is he doing? Be smarter, man! You should just leave, dude. Get outta there! He's out... Okay, ladies. Get to talking. Britt was the only one happy with him. These girls are livid.

Apologies from Britt. No reason to apologize. Keep doing your thing, Britt.

Megan, “Where did you go.” Britt, “We went to a big and rich show.” KABLOOM!! 

All the girls, “But she doesn’t even like Country or Big & Rich!” She doesn't deserve that date, you guys.

Carly feels invisible. Tears. Go get that pint of Haagen Dazs. THAT you deserve.

Tears from Kaitlyn. Serious question, if you work on the show and are present while filming, how do you not laugh at this? I know you end up being friends with the contestants in the long run but they all know it’s a joke. Right? RIGHT?

Whitney feels insecure cause Britt is so beautiful. I mean, how do you compete with that?! Might as well give up at life. It's hard enough that you're almost 30.

2-on-1 Date!!!

2 Girls, 1 Chris.

Oddly enough, this happened to be the subject of last weeks poll question. Who would I choose? Virgin or Heart Attack Widow. Take it to the pie chart! You chose 'Virgin,' with a total of 69% (nice) of the vote. Let's see who Chris goes with.

Ashley, “I’m so excited to kick Kelsey’s ass.” I say they both go home. Leave ‘em in the Badlands.

Kelsey is soooo genuinely excited when she sees Chris. Run, hug, pick up. Neither of these girls have chemistry with Soules. Can’t wait to see them try so hard to make it happen.

Cruising around Mount Rushmore in a chopper. Kelsey names all the presidents on the monument cause she’s super smart. Don’t hate.

Ashley, “With Kelsey. I. Just. Can’t. Even.” I. Can't. Even. Either. With. Either. Of. You.

Soules, "You guys are making this place a lot more beautiful.” Nice, Soules. You been practicing that one?

Soules takes Ashley out for a little walk. She goes right in for the kissing. Easy there, Virgin. Shit talking about Kelsey, “We think she’s kinda fake.” Soules appreciates that. Does he?

Ashley is telling him about Kelsey and her two-faceness. She's not telling him for her, but for the house. How cavalier. Ashley is feeling pretty confident. Wouldn’t you if you thought you looked like a Kardashian?

Kelsey's turn!

“I’m prepared to be your wife because I’ve been one.” She’s nutso. She’s even talking down to him. She should be fired from her job as a 'guidance counselor' just from what I've seen on this show.

Remember when I said earlier that Chris can't be told anything, well he tells Kelsey what Ashley just told him. That she’s being fake and dramatic. DON'T TELL CHRIS ANYTHING! That saying, 'Don't tell a soul,' was born because of Chris Soules.

Kelsey, about Ashley, "I thought that we could be friends." She has no self-awareness.

Kelsey, to Soules, "Don’t let go of all the potential we could have because of Girl Talk." The DJ?

She’s hurt that she got thrown under the bus. Kelsey, "She’s a Kardashian who wants to be a princess and wears way too much makeup. I’m not playing a game." Claws are out!

Kelsey comes back to the bed in the middle of The Badlands where Ashley is sitting and just stares at her while Ashley sips chardonnay. Oh god, what did I just type?!

Kelsey, “I know what you did.” Aahhh, Guidance Counselor tactics. She's gonna smoke her out. This is gonna work on Ashley cause she's 15.

What’s great about the 2-on-1 date is that you can be as mean to the other girl as you want. You won’t see them again until the Women Tell All. Go nuts, ladies.

Kelsey, “She needs to go home and play dress up.” You got got, Ashley I.! Go home and be a princess! You told her, Kelsey.

Ashley runs crying to Soules. “Why did you tell her what I said to you?” Chris consoles her. Ashley should just leave. She won’t.

Ashley, “unintelligible mumbling.” I don’t see her makeup running. Now, THAT’S amazing.

Soules, “I feel like at this point in my life we are at different places.  I can’t give you the lifestyle that you really want.” Wear less makeup and then he can give you the lifestyle you want.

She brings up Britt. Go down swinging Ash! 

Ashley is walking away... Wait... She's coming back. “Are you kidding me, Chris?!”

Smiles from Kelsey.

Back at the house, Intern girl comes and takes Ashley’s luggage. You let the other girls down, Ashley I.

Whitney is confused. "If he likes Kelsey how can he possibly like me? We're too different." Man. The girls are too invested in this guy to think rationally.

Ashley crying some more. Still no mascara run. This isn't her first rodeo.

Soules goes back to Kelsey, "I don’t know if you know this, but I just sent Ashley home.” HAHAHA!! Yeah, Chris. I think she knows.

Kelsey, “It’s a loss.” What a bitch! Is she for real? So damn smug and uppity.

Soules is gonna send her home, too. Do it! Sack up! He’s doing it! Come on!

Soules, “The best thing I can do is be honest with you. I hate this situation. I feel like you deserve someone who’s 110% in and I can’t be that for you." Rejection hurts, Kels. “Take Care.”

I’ll leave you here on this bed in the middle of nowhere while I hop in the chopper.

Ashley and Kelsey have to find their way back on their own, yes? Who eats who? Why is this not part of the show? The Bachelor: Naked and Afraid.

Intern girl grabs the other bag from the house. Joy throughout the house! “Chris is so smart.” “Let’s get drunk!”  Celebrate good times, come on! It's a celebration.... You girls do know that you're all competing against each other still, yeah? Who's gonna get ganged up on next. Gotta be Britt.

Next week:

2 days of Bachelor. Dammit!!!!! Nooooo!!!!! What happened to my life?!?!?!

Sunday - Rose ceremony in Deadwood?! We still have to get rid of someone?

Off to Iowa. “I can totally live here.” Oh, really?

Britt crying. Yes! Britt drama. Be crazy for daddy.

Monday - Jade did some nude modeling for Playboy. What? I for one am shocked! I have not looked on the internet one bit for her 6 minute and 22 second video of her stripping and telling us about her sexual experiences with women. Not one iota. Nada. Nope, not me.

Credits:

Becca and Chris do some shooting. She’s a natural. At least with editing she is.