My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Suite. S18, Ep9

After Monday night’s obvious ending It seems like we’re gonna get another one tonight.  That’s what happens when you have Juanny P. behind the wheel.  He doesn’t overthink anything, or think in general.

The 3 contestants left, Clare, Nikki, and Andi head to St. Lucia in The Caribbean.

Juanny P says that the overnight dates are special because there will be no cameras and they can learn about each other more.  How much time do you really need to learn about each other anyway?  Juanny P. reiterates NO CAMERAS. Creepy.

Clare 

Kissy-kissy.  She’s gonna go bananas if she doesn’t win.  I can't wait.  She’s talking engagement.

The 2 of them take a tiny boat out to a Yacht.  It’s the Sharleen date in Miami.  Clare hasn’t even received the Fantasy Suite card and she is already having trouble with her decision.  She HAS seen the show.  Please, we all know you’re gonna say ‘Si.’

Clare, “Tonight will be the perfect night to tell him I am falling in love with him.”  Is there a gun range nearby?

The yacht’s name is Pixel.  Doesn’t mean anything, just want to be thorough.  Juanny P. tells Clare that all her sisters were awesome.  She calls her dad ‘daddy.’  Uh-oh, red flag.  But we already knew that.  She thinks that he loves spending time with her family.  That’s not exactly what he said, Clare.  Upon further review, they might be perfect for each other.  She doesn’t listen and he just wants besitos.  Get in your bikini already.  Juanny P. needs some visuals.

Night time.  The dinner/hangout setup is straight out of a Pier One catalog.

You've got some mustard on your... got it.

Tonight, Clare wants to talk about Camila.  What is going on?  This is insane.  This is a conversation you should have had WEEKS ago!  Clare, “He takes this seriously.”  Whatever helps you sleep at night, Clare.

"You don't say."

Stop puckering and licking your lips, Clare.  Gross.  All she wants is to replace her father’s love.  Is it that hard?!  That's what she said.

Fantasy Suite card is out in the open!  She’s hesitant.  Brings up the Vietnam discussion they had regarding Juanny P’s slut-shaming.  Then she says, "I am in love with you."  Juanny P's reaction is priceless. 

She says ‘YES!’  Let’s do the Fantasy Suite! Odds on that were -5000, big favorite.  Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Juanny P., "We just laid in bed talking and talking." Sure, talking.

Andi

Soooo crazy!

Andi is rocking a red dress again.  Andi, "I feel like a real couple with him."  The two cruise around town, stumble upon a group of people playing the steel drums.  They join in, "Hot, hot, hot."  

Juanny P. just HAS to play soccer with the locals.  Andi thinks it's CRAZY!  Soccer is so nuts, so adventurous.

Sweaty Juanny P. and Andi hop into a land buggy and cruise around town.  They drive through a bit of jungle and go to a waterfall.  Juanny P. has a picnic setup already. Where does he find the time?  Is there anything he can't do?

How long has this been sitting here?

Andi, "What did you talk to my family about?" Generalities.  Oh no, now Andi thinks she could be proposed to.  I can't say this enough.  HE WILL NOT PROPOSE!  We will see Neil Lane in 2 weeks, thank goodness, but I don't see Juanny P. proposing. 

Waterfall besitos

Night time. Juanny P. to Andi, "You told me that you really badly wanted to fall in love.  Like forcing yourself."  Andi, "I don't see this as forcing.  There is a child involved.  I worry because it's serious.  I may overthink things a lot."  Juanny P., "There is nothing wrong with thinking."  Ummmm.....

I've said this before, but Andi is way too smart for this.  Her questioning is far too logical and analytical.

Fantasy Suite card is up!  Si!

Juanny P. "We get to learn more about each other."  I love the reasoning behind using the Fantasy Suite.  It will answer questions like "What should be the safeword?" and "Have you seen my underwear?"

Juanny P. "I think Andi could be the one."  Don't start thinking now, Juanny P.

Next morning.  Juanny P. "We talked and laughed for hours.  Hours.  Like, for hours."  Lost in translation.

Andi, on the other hand, could not wait to get out the Fantasy Suite.  She thought she had genuine feelings but the Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare.  She saw a side of Juanny P. that she didn't like.  What took so long, Andi?

Andi, "He didn't care for me.  He didn't ask me questions about myself."  "He said he had an overnight with Clare." "it's extrememly important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than himself."  HAHAHAHA!!! This guy.

Look, you signed up for this Andi.  Remember this in 6 months when you're on the other side.

Tears. 

Nikki

GOOD LORD, NIKKI. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!?!?!  She's like a 1970's Disco Pocahontas. 

Let's try this again.

Hey, Juanny P. is on a horse.  He is a cowboy!

Like a rhinestone cowboy!

Nice penmanship, Harrison

Juanny P. "This is real life."  He stopped thinking again.

Tie the horses up, it's picnic on the beach time. Nikki to Juanny P., "This is what I want.  My natural reaction is to hold back."  Juanny P. is done listening, kissy-kissy. 

Nikki, "I want to tell him 'I love him' at dinner tonight."  

"I did not know that."

Fantasy Suite card.  Duh!  Nikki is in!  Juanny P., "Me and Nikki together.  Finally."  Gross.

Nikki, "I love you."  Juanny P., "I didn't know that."  HAHAHAHA!!!  This guy.  Play on Player. 

Pre-Rose Ceremony

HAHAHAHA!!! This setup! The headshots!  It's too much.

Hey, Harrison.  Let's have a chat.

Juanny P. "My words get a little mistranslated."  Uh-huh.

The ladies left personal videos.  Let's have a watch.

Nikki - Does she do her own hair into the fishtail?  That's all I got out of it.

Clare - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Andi - I want to share my thoughts with you in person, not on video.  I'm out!

Andi's last Juan-on-One

Andi, "I felt like Juan Pablo doesn't take this seriously. I learned plenty about him and his only response was 'besitos.'  All he wanted to say was 'eees okay' and give me kisses."

Andi still has 'Manning face'

I just need one last face touch.  Last one, promise.

Gotta get one last 'hair tuck' in, Juanny P.  It's like a drug.  Andi, "I realized I wasn't going to be in love with you."  Juanny P., "Eees okay."  Andi, "It shouldn't just be okay.  I missed things at home to do this.  To find love.  I want to die if I have to hear 'Eees okay' one more time."  Want some french cries with that whaaamburger, Andi?

This is straight nonsense.  Andi, just go enjoy St. Lucia and call it a day.  Rent a bike, go for a ride.  Go snorkeling.  What do you want?!!!

Look, the bottom line is that you WANT to finish 3rd of 4th on this show.  Make that happen and you will have a 50% shot at becoming the next Bachelor/ette.  The bronze medal IS winning!

Ugh, more arguing.  Awww, it's their first, and last, fight.  Kinda on Juanny P's side now.  Andi is just prodding.  She went to school for this.  Juanny P. "I'm not gonna argue with a lawyer."  Smartest thing he's said all season.

All I got was this cool vacation.  Whaaaa!!!

More face touching!!!  ABC just announced a new show to their spring lineup, The Face Toucher starring Marc Anthony as Juanny P.  Man with language barrier who touches faces to see the past/future.  Tagline: Eees Okay.

Adios, Andi.  Minivan tears.  Looks like the 2000 Toyota Sienna is just getting popular in St. Lucia. 

We'll see you soon, Andi.

Rose Ceremony

Clare must have a closet full of tacky cocktail dresses. 

Harrison, "Andi is no longer here.  Here's Juan Pablo."  Thanks for showing up, Harrison.

First rosa goes to Nikki.  Daggers from Clare.  Second rosa goes to Clare!  Nikki's roots don't care.

Clare, "I'm ready to leave here an engaged woman."  Oh, boy.  gonna be a doozy in 2 weeks.

"Sooo, I've been thinking.  Threesome?"

Next Week

Women Tell All.  LOUD NOISES!  Filmed this past Friday in LA.  I did not get invited. :(

Credits

Juanny P. walking on the beach.  Critters and nature.

Meet The Focker. S18, Ep8

We have separated the girls from each other, :( , and it’s time for Juanny P. to have awkward conversations with the parents.  I love the parents.  They don’t hold back any punches, always telling you how it is.  It also gives us a chance to see what the ladies look like 30 years from now.

Nikki’s Hometown: Kansas City, MO

Open to Cows.  We must be in Kansas City.  Thank God we are on the Missouri side, not the Kansas side.  That would have been a disaster!

How are they not at hanging out at The Plaza?  They are at Union Station, essentially the downtown area.  Meh.  Face touching.  Kissy-kissy.

Holy shit!  Now we’re onto something.  The pair head to Oklahoma Joe’s to grab some BBQ.  It’s the best.  The place is always packed so they don’t need to worry about a ‘Bachelor Bump.’  Ok Joe’s is situated in a gas station.  They better get some burnt ends.  Juanny P. says he doesn’t know what BBQ is.  No way!  He can’t keep playing dumb, or is he?  Going to OK Joe’s is the best thing they’ve done this season.

The two lovebirds then head to an empty bar to ride a mechanical bull.   Let’s get some drinks in ya then go on the bull.  None of this sober riding bullshit.  Nikki thinks it’s ‘hot’ watching him on the bull.  He falls, she claps.  She thinks he’s a cowboy now.  Pssst... He's not a cowboy.

“What are you thinking?” asks, Juanny P.  He asks that A LOT.  Nikki wants to tell him that she loves him.  Don’t do it!  It’s not the right time, Nikki!  Now they’re riding the bull together and fall off.   Oh, the gyrations.  The bull wasn’t even going that fast, you guys.  They finish the hometown date with a beer.  That better be Boulevard.  Kissy-kissy.

At Nikki’s house.

Nikki's Mom

Nice digs, Ferrell’s.  We meet Nikki’s mom, dad, two younger bros and a sis-in-law.  Typical Midwest family.  They seem really nice.

Nikki tells her mom, “I would say I’m in love with him.”  Oh no, Nikki.

Nikki’s Dad vs. Juanny P.  Juanny P. tells him that he trusts her honesty.  Dad asks Juanny P. to not propose to Nikki.  Smart dad.  He trusts Nikki to make her own decisions, though. 

Dad asks Nikki, “How would it be if you were a step-mom?”  Her parents seem pretty awesome.  Based on that I’m willing to bet she’d be a good mom.  Maybe not for Camila, but for her own kids. So get off Nikki’s back, everyone!

The worst

She reiterates that she’s in love with him.  She doesn’t tell him, though.  Kissy-kissy on the front porch.

Say adios, Juanny P.  You’ve got 3 other girls to make out with.

Next!

Commercial – Fuck you M&M’s!

Andi’s Hometown:  Hotlanta, GA

Ombre

Andi looks like she had her hair did.  I still don’t mind the ombre.  They meet up in a park, Andi is giddy and can’t wait to see him.  Kissy-kissy.

Andi then says something only boring people say.  “You’ve made me do some crazy things like play soccer, dancing, and karaoke.”  She then says that it’s her turn to pick a crazy activity to do.  Off to the gun range!  Going to the gun range, also not crazy.

#TrueDetectiveSeason2

Andi is a decent shot.  Don’t mess with her, Juanny P.

Juanny P. can’t even hit the target, like the whole target.  Editing?

Geez, enough with the PDA.  The shooting range attendants must want to kill them.  I can see the headline now. “Local shooting range attendant kills Bachelor.  Sales rise at local shooting range.”

2 bullets ought to do the trick. Better make it 6 just in case.

Awww

Welcome Home, Pookie!

We meet Nikki’s Mom, Dad, Sister, who lives in SD, and her husband.  I see a folded up flag on an armoire.  Dad must have been in the military.  So that’s where Andi gets her gun skills from.

I hate this!

Dad, Hy, is learning about how The Bachelor works and is not amused with the process.  Wait, you’re telling me THIS guy doesn’t watch The Bachelor?

Hy is “still worried.”  He’s the best.  He and Andi’s mom have been married for 30 years. Engaged after 6 months and married soon after.  Andi thinks that if it can happen to them it can happen to her and Juanny P.  I used this line about my parents when asked if I believed I could find my wife on The Bachelor when I tried out for The Bachelor a few years ago.
Doesn't always work.

Andi's Mom

Andi tells her mom that she did some dancing while on vacation.  Prove it!  So Andi and Juanny P. go dance, sway, in the living room.  CRAZY!!!! Andi needs to loosen up.  Juanny P. and Andi’s mom dance a bit.  Why did I just type this paragraph?

Dad and Juanny P. have a chat.  Juanny P., “Will you accept me into your family if I propose to Andi?”  Dad thinks he’s insane.  Hy wants Juanny P. to reverse roles for a minute.  Sorry, Pops.  He’s already done this.

 

Sissy talk.  “He’s hot.”  We are 2 for 2 tonight with “he’s hot” being the reason the girls are in “love” with Juanny P.  It’s like they’re back in high school.  Got anything else you like about him, Andi?

Dad is coming down on Andi.  Wonder how he’s gonna feel when she’s The Bachelorette?

Andi “is close to being in love with him.”  Oh boy.

Kissy-kissy.  Next!

Renee Hometown:  Sarasota, FL.  Gross.

Let’s meet Ben, Renee’s 8 year old son.  I think she gets bounced this week.  You got a kid, you gotta go!

Renee hit the tanning bed over the last two days.  The two meet up at Ben's little league game.  Here comes Ben.  He’s a sweet kid.  Renee says this is the longest time she’s been away from Ben.  Renee, a thought, never leave your kid to go on The Bachelor!  “Sorry, sweetie.  Mommy has to go travel the world with a hot Venezualan pool boy.”

Renee's Mom, like it says in the picture

They watch Ben pitch in his little league game.  Kid’s got some game.  I wish I was 8 years old again.

We meet Renee’s Mom, Dad, and Brother

Renee’s mom is kind of rubbing in all the stuff that Ben is doing that Renee doesn’t know about because she hasn’t been around.  Good thing Renee is “Doing this for Ben.”

“Mommy, what are these cameras doing in my bedroom?”



Mom, “We can love our pets, but you need to be in love with the man you’re with.”  Women with dogs, take note.  Renee tells her mom she's in love with Juanny P.  This isn’t going to end well.

Dad thinks Juanny P. is a good guy.  Renee, “He’s always been right.”

Kissy-kissy in the front yard.  Juanny P. asks AGAIN, “What are you thinking?”  Geezus, man!  You wouldn’t understand anyway.

She wanted to tell him that she loves him, but didn’t.  She’s kicking herself over it in the post interview sesh.

Adios, Renee.  Next!

Clare Hometown:  Sacramento, CA.  Gross.

Give us your bread!

They meet in a rose garden, Mckinley Park.  Kissy-kissy.  Gross.

She’s so annoying.  He can’t wait to see “why you are the way you are.” 

More dead Dad talk.  Enough!!  Wanna know why she’s the way she is, Juanny P.  That’s why.  I want to know why are you doing this to us, Bachelor?  Why?! 

Clare is essentially a 13 year old.  Her dad probably told her that she was a princess when she was younger and she takes that literally to the extreme.

They feed the ducks.  Attack, ducks!  Attack!

Commercial – Mixology commercial for the umpteenth time tonight.  Not watching, ABC.

Which one is not like the other?

We meet Clare’s Mom, 4 of her sisters and one bro in law.  1 sister is missing.

Is Clare adopted?  She looks nothing like the rest of her family.  They must harbor some really weird feelings toward Clare.  Fake teeth and on a reality show.  They have to think that she hates the family. Clare, “When was the last time I brought a guy home to meet the family.”  Clare’s totally embarrassed by her family.

She values the opinion of Madeline (top left), her sis who has been married for 20 years.  They talk.  They cry.  Clare is the youngest.  Madeline wants someone to take care of her ‘tender heart.’ The way the family talks about Clare it's obvious she's got some issues.

Juanny P. is now telling the sisters how a relationship works.  “At first I was physically attracted to Clare.  Then I got to know her.”  Tell me more, Patti Stanger.  Oh, man.  Why did I link that?  Can't unsee.

Uh-oh.  Laura or Lara, I can’t tell because of the way Clare says it, Clare’s sister who is realistic about the process is giving Clare a hard time.  More tears from Clare.  This may be the last time she steps foot in Sacramento.  “I’m famous now!  L.A. here I come!”

Mom is not saying a word while Laura insists on speaking for her.  What a weird family.  I never know if people, Laura, are like this normally or do this for the cameras.

Clare's Mom

Uh, where’s Juanny P.?  Haven't seen him all segment.  More tears.

Juanny P. wants to talk to mom.  Laura decides to join in.  Laura speaks for mom.  This is weird.  Mom must not be all there, or Laura thinks that mom isn’t all there. 

Laura decides to leave.  Mom and Juanny P. speak Spanish to each other.  Ugh, subtitles.  What the hell?  Mom is totally with it.  I think Laura just wanted some camera time.  She’s totes jel of Clare.

Kissy-kissy.  Clare would “love it” if Juanny P. proposed to her.

See you at the rose ceremony, Clare.  Wear something classy, please.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami.  Hey, Harrison.

B!$@#.    B!$@#.

Clare comes down first and does not disappoint.  Push ‘em up girl.  

Nikki comes in next, of course.  Now she’s rocking a fishtail!  Clare is the only one of the final 4 who hasn’t had a fishtail this season.  Just stare straight ahead, you two.

Andi arrives, then Renee.

Speech from Harrison, “One of you are going home tonight.”  Thanks for clarifying.  I was wondering why there were only 3 rosas for four contestants.

Nikki gets the first rosa.  Daggers from Clare.  Clare, come on down!  Second rosa for you.  Aaaand, since we’ve seen all the previews for Tuesday’s episode we know that Andi get’s the third rosa.  You can stop with the suspenseful music, Bachelor.

Adios, Renee.  Who is going to help guide the women through their emotional times now that the den mother is gone?

Renee, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”  Are you effing serious, Renee?!  How about the dude you had a kid with?!  No, not him?!  Ok.

Tears from both.  Juanny P. is a big time crier.

Tiny amount of limo tears.  “It sucks.  I had fallen in love with him.”  Relax, Renee.  She’s actually keeping it together pretty well considering the man she ‘loved’ just dumped her on television.  Guess that’s what happens when you get older.  A tad more perspective.  “That’s why I came here, to find love.  There’s not a lot of guys like Juan Pablo.  He’s a good guy.  I want to make someone really happy.”  Oh man, she’s serious.  I take back the 'perspective' comment.

Next week.  Oh, shit!  I mean, tonight!

Fantasy Suite time in St. Lucia!  Everyone's favorite!!!  Juanny P. sets up the best dates.  Oh, gawd.  Everyone is crying!!  What is going on?!  Too much face touching!  Shit’s getting real, yo.

Credits

This isn't weird, at all

Renee and Juanny P. sitting in chairs in the water on the beach.  Seagulls come steal the food from the picnic they have set up on the beach.  One of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.  Thank goodness there were cameras around to catch the hilarity. 

Let’s do it again, tonight!

Bienvenido a Miami. S18, Ep7

Welcome to Miami where the players play!  Miami, where Pitbull and Gloria Estefan run the radio waves and the only colors of clothing you can wear are pastels.

Juanny P. is cruising through his hometown.  He misses his 4 year old daughter, Camila, and he really wants to see his family.  Based on how the show is run I'm betting he hasn't seen her in about a week.  No biggie. That's what Skype is for.

Juanny P. wants it to be a surprise.  I wonder if the cameras in the house filming Camila gave away the surprise.  Probably not.

There's no way he lives in the house they show.  It's enormous.  I know, he must be the groundskeeper. Relax.  This is satire, people.

The Girls arrive to the Loews Hotel in a limo.  Andi thinks that being in his hometown makes it more real.  I know some other things that would make it more real.  Spending more than 20 actual hours with a person over a 3 week period might make it more real.  Not being a tv show might make it more real.  Et cetera, et cetera.

Man, the ladies are staying in a sick ass suite at the Loews hotel.  They think they deserve it.  They don't.

Juanny P. shows up to the girls' suite with a Date Card for Sharleen.  She thinks they have amazing chemistry but they're missing a "cerebral connection."  Whoa, Sharleen.  What did we say about saying words that are 3 syllables or more to Juanny P.?  Yeah, don't.  He'll just nod.

Date 1: Juan-on-One with Sharleen

Cheese!

The girls are being catty about Sharleen saying she shouldn't be there because she doesn't feel the connection to him like some of the other girls do.  Meanwhile, Sharleen is sucking face with Juanny P. on a yacht.  I swear, he thinks of the best dates.  Eat it, ladies.

Selfie time!  Renee is going to be jealous.  Watch your back, Sharleen.


Sharleen is just complaining now.  Chill Sharleen, you're blowing it.

All she wants to do is make out with him.  Kissy-kissy.  Face touchy.  The usual.  All her troubles disappear when she's making out with him.  She has entered the Juanny P. Zone.  I think that's a Pizza Hut menu item, too.

Add caption

Uh-oh, ocean kissing.  What's going on down there?  Sebastian the Lobster is the only one who knows. Under da Sea.

All she wants is a mental connection.  Ain't happening, kiddo.  After some more awkward conversation they make out some more.  "Why can't I stop kissing you?"  Chin touch.  Lip biting.  Gross.

He likes her 'proper speak.'  This guy.  Sharleen, "I think it can work."  She wishes she had more time with him.  I'm not sure that anyone in the history of this show has had more self-awareness than Sharleen.  She then says, "Maybe if I was a little dumber."  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  If only Juanny P. knew what the hell that meant.

Back at the suite...  Date Card!  It's for Nikki.  "Listen to my heart beat."

Chelsie hates that someone as negative as Nikki is getting all this attention.  It's the Courtney effect from season 16.  Nikki's not here to make friends.  She's here to win.

Sharleen is back at the suite and talking to 'house mom' Renee.  Of course.  Tears.  Confusion.  Should I stay or should I go?  Just leave already, you're starting to annoy me.

Date 2: Juan-on-One with Nikki

No bra.  Nikki's style is, um... What's another word for slutty.  It is hot in Miami, I guess.

Juanny P. let's her know that she is going to go to his daughter's dance recital and she's going to meet his parents and his Baby Mama.  Yikes!

"Are you nervous?" she asks.  Why would he be nervous?  She calls him her boyfriend.  "I hope everyone likes me."

"Dis bitch?"

Back at the suite... Date Card.  "My hometown for yours."  Someone will be getting a rose.  Recital time!  Got damn, Camila's mom is smoking.  If he didn't marry her there is no way he's ending up with any of these other women.  I think someone will win, but there's no way they're still together.  I'm betting that Juanny P's Ex had the same problem these girls have.  It's all fun and games for a month or two then you realize that he's got nothing upstairs.

Touchdown!

Camila meet Nikki.  Nikki meet Camila.  "Is this new mommy?"  I wish she said that.  Nikki thinks that Camila can be a part of her life forever.  Nikki, are you listening to the words that are coming out of your mouth?

Night time.  Whoa, Nikki!  She's not leaving much to the imagination.  There is definitely double-sided tape involved.

Off to Marlins Park.  They play a little catch.  We really don't get to see how good Juanny P's throwing arm is.  Looks like he can at least throw like he's done it before.

"Si, I'm listening."

Picnic on the infield.  He’s just staring down her shirt the whole time.  He’s not paying attention at all.  He just wants some kisses.  He kisses her shoulder.  Nikki is confused with where she fits in with his Ex.  Juanny P. says "I’m glad you feel comfortable"  Nikki, "Family is number one."  Kissy-kissy.  Ugh, so much awful tongue. 

Back at the suite... Sharleen is STILL having second thoughts.  She comes to the other girls and tells them she's leaving.  Adios, Sharleen.  Clare is trying to hide how excited she is that one more girl is going home. Nice teeth, Clare.

It'll be ok.

Sharleen heads down to Juanny P's room.  She's crying.  Juanny P., "What happened."  She's whispering. Why are you whispering?!  All those times I said I liked Sharleen last week, I lied.  SPEAK UP!!  If I want to see subtitles I'd listen to Juanny P. speak Spanish.

Tears.  Face touching.  She's a dead fish.  He's holding her like a 4 year old girl.  More whispering. Geezus. Touch her chin some more, she likes that. He keeps telling her that she's 'different.'  I don't think he knows what that word means.  Peace out, Sharleen.  Then there were 5.

Juanny P. goes out to the balcony to ponder life.  Tears.

No limo for Sharleen.  She gets a taxi.

Date 3: Group Date

We have another fishtail sighting.  This time it's Andi.  Renee had one earlier.  I've got some hair issues.

The ladies take a water-plane to a private island.  It looks like you could swim there from the mainland.

Chelsie pulls him aside for some boring talk.  She's reading letters from her parents.  This is painful.  She has no chance.  He's zoned out.

You have some mustard on your face.

Andi gets some Juan-on-One.  She's crying.  The girls are falling apart.  She feels "super vulnerable."  Juanny P., "What makes you nervous."  Andi, "Failing."  You're new here, aren't you.  Kissy-kissy.  Face touchy.

"Tell me more..."

Clare gets some Juan-on-One.  She wants that Group Date rose.  We find out she has 6 sisters and she's the only one who's not married.  1st of all, not surprised.  2nd of all, how is this the first time he's learning about her family?  That's one of the first questions you ask someone when you start dating.

De plane, de plane!

It starts to rain and Andi gets the rose.  Bitch.  Clare is mortified.  "I deserved that rose."  Meow!

The other girls gotta take off on the water plane while they watch Andi and Juanny P. frolic in the water.  The Bachelor really needs to do more work with underwater cameras.

"So, we just stand here?"

Night time.  Juanny P. and Andi, looking saucy in a red mini, go watch Romeo Santos.  I love him!  Who? She says that she's never listened to Latin music.  Does 'The Macarena' count?  She thinks he's a good dancer.  They are literally doing nothing but swaying.  Juanny P. getting ready for DWTS.





It's about to be a what?!  A girl fight!

Back at the suite... Clare is miffed and does not want to hang with Nikki.  No talking.  Awkward silence. Renee with a throat clear.  Clare is NOT gonna be fake.  Okaaayyy.

"B!%@#"  "B!%@#"

Nikki just leaves the situation and goes upstairs to her room.  "That's so stupid."

Clare goes to confront her.  Calls her a bitch.  Uh-oh, it's on.  Clare's not gonna let Nikki be mean and get away with it.  Let's rumble.  "I wasn't talking shit."  "Who was talking shit?"  This is repeated 5 more times. Clare, channeling her inner Ross Perot, "Can you please not cut me off?!!"  At least she's asking nicely. Nikki, "You can excuse yourself from my room."  Clare, "This isn't your room.  Did you pay for it?"  Nikki, "No!  Did you pay for it?  Are those your clothes?  Please leave."  Nikki says they'll never be friends.  What a dumb argument.  Nikki, "Clare's like a dog.  She peed on him first."  Nikki is out for blood.

Cocktail Party

Chelsie is bent out of shape because Nikki doesn't participate in mindless conversation.  Can they just ignore each other?

Nikki is really confident that she'll get a rose.  She's Courtney Robertson 2.0.  She's calling him her 'boyfriend' pretty consistently now.  I'm starting to wonder if she's the crazy one now.  Pssst... They're all crazy.

"How about this weather?"

Nikki wants the night to be over so she doesn't have to spend time with Clare anymore.  It's just the two of them sitting on separate couches.  Silence....  More silence....  Anyone want to talk here?  Andi comes to the rescue.  Wait, no.  Still no talking.  Hey, Renee.  Still nothing.  Juanny P. comes over and it's still awkward. These girls know that Juanny P. sucks, right?



'Sup, Harrison.  He drags Juanny P. away.

Rose Ceremony

Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

The girls may be starting a band after this rose ceremony.  They look like a sluttier version of The Spice Girls. They're all Slutty Spice.  

Who will get the first rosa?  Nikki, duh.  2nd rosa goes to Clare. Ooohh, it's gonna be a whore-off next week!  Last rosa, Renee.  Adios Chelsie.  Nice work getting this far.

Science!

Juanny P. is crying.  He walks Chelsie out.  Stop talking Chelsie. Clare thinks Juanny P. made a mistake.  Good luck to the guy that ends up with Clare.

Limo tears from Chelsie.  "I hear I'm a great girl, but... I need to find the guy who gets that."  You're 24, sweetie.  Relax.  She was happy that he was sad when he told her to get lost.  Nice consolation. 

Next Week

Hometown dates.  Episodes on Monday AND Tuesday.  I may die. Double the romance!

Credits

Andi dancing, or something.  What is happening?  She’s basically doing the Ickey Shuffle.  You know what, I take that back.  It's worse.  I'm sorry, Ickey.  Her go to dance move is the sprinkler.  Of course it is.  Never do the sprinkler, it's lame.

Lord of the Ring. S18, Ep6

Reading time: 8 minutes

It's getting down to the nitty-gritty, you guys.  There are 8 ladies left and we're getting rid of 2 tonight.  We have left Vietnam and are headed to New Zealand!  New Zealand is known for being the filming location for Lord of the Rings, kiwis, sailing, and, um... it doesn’t matter.

We open with slut-shamer extraordinaire Juanny P. talking about finding everlasting love in the background of what might as well be a commercial for New Zealand tourism.  ABC had to have asked for some tape.  No way they filmed wild horses running across the countryside.

Kat thinks she and Juanny P. have been a “slow boil.”  Yeah, she’s on the chopping block.

Cassandra feels selfish being here.  She misses her kid.  She IS a kid.

Clare thinks New Zealand is a romantic place.  More romantic than Sacramento?

Andi is still whining about not having a Juan-on-One date.  Date card.  And she gets it!  "Let's heat things up."  The other girls are thrilled.  You can tell by the collective passive aggressive way they all say “Yay.”  I would love to watch a Bachelor blooper show of just bitchy looks and catty comments from the girls. 

Cassandra goes to Renee for some chit-chat and advice with being a single mother.  Renee might actually be her mom.  A little bit of wine and girl-talk in front of the fire leads to some happy tears about the experience.

Date 1:  Juan-on-One w/ Andi

Andi is looking good with her ombre hairstyle.   I’m normally not a huge fan of the ombre, but it’s a good change of pace.  I’m looking forward to this date to see if Juanny P. can understand words with more than 3 syllables.

I have a spare room, Andi.

Quick aside.  Andi was in San Diego this weekend visiting her sister.  No call, Andi?  A buddy of mine gave them surf lessons.  He sent me this pic.  I’m telling you, The Bachelor contestants always move down to SoCal.  Don’t fight it, Andi.  Embrace it.  I have problems.

The date starts with them cruising on a river in a speed boat with some early 90’s sports highlight music in the background.  The cruise into this cove situated in the river.  It’s bathing suit time!  Get in the water, girl.  Andi seems surprised.  Uh, you brought your bathing suit didn’t you?  It’s not always hot tubs and hands on your face.  Well, it is always hand on your face.  My bad.

Back to the date.  They slither their way in shallow water through moss covered rocks.  They are really squeezed into this tunnel.  Nowhere for you to go run and hide, Andi!  How did the camera men get through this?  Those guys never get enough credit.  They arrive in this spot where there’s a waterfall.  Let’s step under the waterfall.  Cliché.  Not gonna play any TLC, ABC?  Okay.  I would.  Kissy-kissy.  Andi says it’s the most romantic date she’s ever been on.  It’s amazing what a TV show with a decent budget can plan for dates!  She’s excited for the night.

Night time.  Juanny P. says the “squeeze” was fun with Andi.  Dinner is in front of a geyser.  Don’t all geysers smell like sulfur?  Who planned this shitty date?  I bet it was Juanny P.  Gotta take the good with the bad.

Andi is starting to like this guy.  C’mon, Andi.  You’re smarter than this.

And a geyser goes off ruining dinner.  Everything tastes like rotten eggs now.  I don’t think Juanny P’s geyser is gonna go off with Andi like it did with Clare last week.  Boom!  You just got got, Juanny P.

Andi says she's “soaking wet.”  Dammit, Andi.

Meanwhile, back at the house…  Date card!  It’s a group date.  Everyone but Clare.  Clare is pumped because she and Juanny P. can talk about why he made her cry last week.  I hope she cries again.  It’s also Cassandra’s 22^nd birthday tomorrow and she has to go on a group date.  Waaaahh!  She’s probably hoping there’s a Chuckie Cheese in New Zealand.  I read somewhere that she likes the ball pit at Chuckie Cheese.

Andi and Juanny P. are just checking out the geysers and holding each other.  Zzzzzz…  Boring small talk about finding that “great love.”  She references a line Juanny P. said in an earlier episode about “smiling so much that your cheeks hurt.”   I don’t think he remembers saying it, but for some reason I do.  Andi gets la rosa!  Kissy-kissy.  More kissy-kisssy.  Okay, enough.  Enough with the kissing!  Geez.  Andi is now tainted goods.

Date 2: Group Date

Juanny P. is standing in a field and the girls roll up.  Picnic time in a field.  Cassandra is already talking about her birthday.  Girls and their birthdays, I swear.  Chelsie decides to steal Juanny P. away to go look at cows or something.  Whatever, she’ll be gone in an hour.

Congratulations! It's a girl!

The group then cruises down the hillside to go see what the activity for the date is.  It’s rolling down hills in an OGO ball.  An Ogo is basically a room inside a giant ball with water in it that rolls down a hill.  It looks a lot like childbirth when they get out of the ball.  They just slide right out.  I want to go do this sometime.  Seems like a pretty sweet time.  Juanny P steals un besito from Nikki in one of the ball-wombs.

Night time.  They go to Hobbiton, where parts of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were filmed. Apparently, Sharleen is a huge Lord of the Rings fan.  She's stoked.  New Zealand must be really boring. Pretty, but boring. Cassandra brings up her birthday again.  More awkward conversation.  He’s not really good at talking.  Thank goodness for that ass.  Have mercy.

Juanny P. grabs Renee for a little walk.  He takes a lantern with them because the camera crew’s lights aren’t bright enough.  Really?  Orks better come running through here sometime soon to energize this show. Kid talk.  Kissy-kissy.  Kill me.  They take another selfie.  What is up with these two and taking selfies? 

Nikki gets a little Juan-on-One time.  She’s out to get a husband.  Here comes Nikki, you guys!  Nikki, “I’m falling for you.”  Drink!! Nikki wants to leave with no regrets.  Kissy-kissy.  Really racking up those kisses tonight, Juanny P.

The other girls are back in one of the Hobbit houses talking about the meaning of the rose on this group date.  Things are getting kicked up a notch!  They all agree that there are some feelings happening if you get this rose. 

Sharleen gets a little Juan-on-One time.  He goes in for the kiss IMMEDIATELY.  Sharleen pulls back!  Says, “You really cut to the chase.”  He doesn’t know what it means.  There is no way he doesn’t.  This has to be an act.  Some awkward kissy-kissy again!  Then Sharleen, god bless her, becomes self-aware and pulls out of the lip-lock thinking that this is crazy.  She wants to get know more about Juanny P. but inevitably learns nothing other than he likes to kiss her.  Juanny P. is talking to her and touching her face some more.  His face touching is out of control.  More kissy-kissy.  I like Sharleen.  She's too aware of this show being a joke.

Dr. Juanny P., ENT.

Back at the Hobbit house, Cassandra makes a wish when she blows out her cupcake candle.  She wished she was in the ball pit at a Chuckie Cheese.  Sadly, the wish didn’t come true.

Cassandra wants to get that birthday rose.  Juan-on-One time with Cassandra.  She was 10 when Lord of the Rings came out.  TEN!  She loves Hobbiton.  Juan seems wiped out.  He’s putting her hair behind her ear.  I mean, at what point does all this face touching become a problem?

Someone has to get la rosa tonight.  Juanny P. thinks he’s going to have a 'happy ending.'  I think he thinks Lord of the Rings is a Disney movie.  If only there was a Prince Gollum.  Sharleen gets la rosa.  Bit of a stunner.   

He grabs Cassandra to go outside while the girls stare at the walls.  It starts to rain as Cassandra and Juanny P. sit under a tree for an awkward conversation.  This isn’t going to end well, Cassandra.  Juanny P. sets it up the breakup, Ha!, with a bunch of compliments.  I know this move, pal.  “I don’t want you to be away from your son anymore.  We aren’t in the same place in life.”  It’s hard for 30 year olds to get to the same place as 21-22 year olds.  Not that I would know.

Umbrella-dome

Bye-bye, Cassandra.  Happy Birthday! 

Nice umbrella, Juanny P.

Tears from Cassandra.  “I want love so bad.”  She’s been “waiting for so long.”  I know, kiddo.  Life is hard at 22.

Cue the ‘Sad Music Montage.’  The girls see that he’s alone.  He tells the girls he didn’t see a future with Cassandra.  Man, this music.  It might as well be Elliot Smith or that shitty ‘Say Something I’m Giving Up on You’ song.

Back at Juanny P’s house.  Awwww, baby sheep.  Facetime with the 4 year old daughter.  This is when The Bachelor starts to have a lot of filler.  Not as many girls around to make things interesting.

Date 3:  Juan-on-One w/ Clare

It’s picnic time with Clare.  She wants an apology, or at least wouldn’t turn one down.  We’ll see if he does that right after he touches her face and puts her hair behind her ears.  He doesn’t fully apologize.  He kind of bounces around the subject saying that he didn’t want to hurt her.  This is stupid.  He tells her that he didn’t want to make her sad last week when she showed up at his suite to go swim in the ocean.  Clare is confused and wants to know where the line is.

“Did we do anything inappropriate?” asks, Clare.  Juanny P., “It didn’t feel right to me.”  “Just don’t make me sad.”  Kissy-kissy.  Clare asks if that “was their first fight?”  More kissy-kissy.  She is buh-ru-tal!

This needs to end soon.  Ugh, 45 more minutes.  Let’s just get rid of Chelsie and call it a night.

Night time.  More hair touching.  Hold on, isn't Clare a hairstylist?  Looks like the roots need a bit of a touch-up. 

Couch talk.  She says that if in the future there is more conflict that she would bolt.  Juanny P. doesn’t know what ‘bolt’ means.  She’s not really listening to what he’s saying.  She’s hearing the wrong thing.  She still thinks that he acted like a man and apologized to her during the day.  She’s really tan, too.  There must be a tanning booth in the Shire.  She doesn’t want to bolt now.  He says, “I like listening to you.”  Juanny P., no one likes listening to Clare.  Don’t lie.

Let’s get comfy.  He comes back with some sweats for her.  What?  They are a little big, kind of like Hammer-pants.  Uh, yeah, sweats leads to sex.  It’s a proven fact.  Clare and him are very touchy feely.  La rosa por Clare.  Kissy-kissy.  A little dancing to the song that guy with the Russian last name sung from their first Juan-on-One date.  Clare asks, "Did you really remember I like this song?"  There's no way in hell he did.  Say thank you to the producers, Juanny P.   More kissy-kissy.

Pre-Cocktail Party

We pan a table that has framed pictures of the women’s headshots for the show.  Always good for a laugh.

Oh, hey Chris.  Let’s have a chat.  Harrison reminds Juanny P. there are only going to be six women left after tonight.  Harrison is here to stoke the fire.  Juanny P. is positive.

 “Why did you let Cassandra go?”  He wasn’t feeling it.  Harrison asking some real pressing questions.  Ask him if he had sex last week, Harrison.  Juanny P. sees himself getting down on one knee.  You know, because 6 weeks on a game show is all it takes to find “The One.”

Cocktail Party

Ladies are arriving at dusk.  Feels like a werewolf may come out and snag one of them.  Kat is worried.  Everyone is quiet.  It’s getting real.  <snicker>

Juanny P. grabs Nikki.  You bitch!  She is looking good rocking a red mini.  Flirting.  Kissy-kissy.  The girls are in the other room, you two! Nikki feels comfortable with him.  She wants this.  She’s moving to the top of the list.  I think she’s still behind Clare, but Juanny P. is interested.  Clare, this is why you don’t give out the milk for free.  I bet Juanny P. knows that expression.

Renee and Juanny P. go for a walk.  More kid talk.  These two are a snoozefest.  “There’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid.”  Juanny P. seems pretty insincere.  Maybe it’s just me.  Kissy-kissy.

The girls are noticing that things are changing.  Bunch of rocket scientists we got here.

Chelsie knows it’s her or Kat.  I say the two of them go outside and have a duel.  Nothing like a duel to get things going.

Chelsie tells Juanny P. that she is kind of frazzled.  What is this ‘frazzled?’  Of course he doesn’t know this.  Can we just move the show to Telemundo already?  Whoa, slow down Chelsie.  I can’t even understand you.  Juanny P. is just nodding.  He’s a bobblehead doll.  Chelsie really wants to stick around.  This isn’t gonna happen, kiddo.  She’s too sweet.  Cheek kiss.  See ya.

Kat has been journaling.  Cool, a 29 year old with a diary.  She’ll do anything her psychiatrist tells her.  She brings up how she’s not a guy chaser and why she’s not aggressive.   That leads to how her dad was never there for her when she was younger.   She doesn’t want her fear of disappointment to come out in this journey.  Your move Chelsie.

Man we are getting a heavy dose of commercials tonight.  There couldn’t be a better commercial that the new Muppets car commercial when they sing “We ain’t got no room for boring.  For boring we ain’t got no room.”  You know the commercial.  It’s on ALL THE TIME.  This is why people who get fired up for Super Bowl commercials are crazy.  You’re gonna see them over and over and over.  ‘You know what really grinds my gears?’  Okay, I digress.

Rose Ceremony

Chris reminds us that Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have rosas.  Thank you, Harrison.

Juanny P. still thinks his wife is in the group of girls.  Hi, you must be new here.

First rosa goes to Nikki, duh.  Next!  Renee!  Great, maybe we can get some more kid talk next week.  Una rosa left.  Kat or Chelsie?  It’s Chelsie with the mild upset.  Adios, Kat.  Your sob story wasn’t enough to warm the cold heart of Juanny P.  “Good luck,” she says.  She wants to be gone.  Tears in the limo.  She “saw herself in the end.”  She brings up the old line of how people always tell you how great you are and what a catch you are and yet still sit here single.  Guarantee one of the remaining 6 girls says this on their way out, too.

Sharleen is feeling guilty.  She'll give it another week and then if she doesn’t feel anything she’ll probably bounce.  Have I mentioned that I like Sharleen?  She gets it.

Let’s go to Miami.

Nikki vs. Clare:  Round 2

Credits

After the OGO the girls and Juanny P. had a sheep poop fight in their bathing suits.  Mostly Juanny P. throwing poop at the girls.  He’s basically 17.