Did you miss me?! Didn’t think so. This blog may not be
weekly but I’ll do it a few times. Not as many pictures this time. It's more work than I want to put in and I'm not in the mood. Ben is
just soooo boring and the girls are soooo young and dumb. Remember when you were in your early 20's? You were a moron,
right? Yeah. There’s a lot of that going on.
It’s a tough group to watch but I'll try to make it entertaining.
Here’s a few things you need to know about the show so far.
Ben, The Bachelor, is 26, handsome, and boring. Capital B. boring. He’s also from
Indiana and a Cubs fan. Told you young people were morons.
The girls. Well, they love the prospect of finding false love and they are most definitely 'girls.' Except Amber. She’s 30 and
back for a second go around for some reason. Is it out of desperation? Maybe it’s
the want to be on tv? Or perhaps the ability to tell your High School class at
the 15 year reunion that you were on The Bachelor twice? That’s probably it. That'll make your high school arch rival Ashley jealous. SHE WILL RUE THE DAY SHE EVER CALLED ME AN ATTENTION WHORE!!
Oh, and a bunch of girls have been given the old heave ho already.
Okay, we're all caught up. Let's do this!!
1-on-1 w/ Lauren B.: The Sky's The Limit
25, Flight Attendant
Excuse me, Lauren, is it? Can you be a dear and bring
me a cup of ice and the WHOLE CAN OF DIET COKE!! Thanks.
She’s a cute blonde, I’m sure they’ll make out. Other girls run out to see them off. 17 girls all mutter ‘bitch’ under their
breath.
What? She’s scared of going on this bi-plane?!?! But, your job title.
Ben, “I feel like a little kid right now.” Lauren B, “I feel
like a little kid when I’m with you, too.” Carefullll.
Of course they fly by the mansion. Kissy kissy.
They land in a field and Ben gives Lauren B. a piggy back
ride to a hot tub IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Ben is so nice that he sends her
behind a tree to go change. Why is there even a tree out there? Kissy kissy.
Laaaurrrennn! B-eennn! Come get your supper!!
Lauren B., “There’s no place I’d rather be.” Think real hard about that LB. Not TOO HARD
though. You might not eat your food if you think too hard. EAT YOUR FOOD! EAT IT!!
Ben thinks this is the perfect opportunity to delve into a
story about his father having heart surgery. Cool story, Ben! “And then I found
$20!” Phew! Way to save the story, Ben.
LB gets a rose. Followed by a performance by LUCY ANGEL! NO
FREAKING WAY, I LOVE HER. Psst, who’s Lucy Angel?
Couple of dorks slow dancing on an oriental rug in a barn. Nothing to
see here. Let’s fast forward through this McPick Two commercial. ♫
Lemme get a McPick two. ♫
Song’s in your head now, isn’t it?
Back at the Mansion
Girls be talkin’. Blah, blah, open heart, blah, process,
other girls here, my heart could be broken, blah, tears, blah. RELAX, 24 YEAR
OLDS!!
Group Date: Love Is The Goal
A bunch of girls will be going on a date. Doesn’t really matter
who.
35 girls, I dunno, I lost count, are told to run out of the
limo, screaming, and on to The Coliseum field in LA. The very field where your Los Angeles Rams,
and soon to be Los Angeles Chargers, will be playing the next 3 years. Fuck you
Stan Kroenke! That goes for you too, Dean Spanos!
It’s soccer time with a couple of the girls from team USA. Ugh, we just did the soccer thing during Juan Pablo's season. You can see why I get sick of writing these things. It's so damn repetitive.
Oh, god. What is happening? Not exactly a bunch of Mia Hamm's out there. Chandler Bing, “COULD they FIND a group of more
uncoordinated girls?” I hear ya, Chandler. I hear ya.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee has something to say. Yup, Jubilee, “Ben doesn’t
gravitate toward complicated.” Throwing some major shade on the rest of the sorority house. Haha, love her.
Competition time. Only one team can win and get that special time with Ben and five other girls.
It looks like a bunch of 6 year olds playing out there.
Everyone run towards the ball!! Good job, Lauren! C’mon, Jami! Stop the ball, Emily!! You are all
disappointments! Not because of your lack of soccer skills but because you are on The Bachelor! We’re running laps after this game! HUSTLE!
The Where's Waldo team won! Yay, us! We did it! Suck it blue
team! Back to the limo and mansion, losers! Wait.
Group Date Night:
Ben + 6 chicks. Olivia, 1st impression rose, 23
years old and not camera shy, who the girls HATE, grabs Ben and takes him upstairs to a room. They
wave down to all the other girls. She’s hot, but Ben probably doesn’t want this
drama. Kissy kissy.
The other girls are making fun of her toes. Does she have
thumb toes? Show us your feet please!!
Amber. WTF?! Get off my tv! You had your shot. Man, I hate
retreads. Kissy kissy. Ben is gonna kiss everyone. And why shouldn’t he? I
would.
Rose goes to…. Amber! Fine, whatevs. Amber’s self esteem is
through the roof! The rose holds so much power!! My precious.
1-on-1 w/ Jubilee: Love Is In The Air
Jubilee, black, 24, and a War Veteran. That’s
a job? Whoa! She freaks the eff out when she gets that date card. Bring it down a notch.
She is so nervous. Chill out, Jubilee. She calls Ben out for being 20 minutes late.
Damn right you call his ass out. A helicopter is here! Nevermind, Ben. You can
be late. Of course they fly by the mansion.
Oh. My. God. These girls are THE WORST. Never again with
everyone 25 and under. I mean it, Bachelor. They must miss their Instagrams so
much! #ShinyDressIsShiny #MargaritaMonday #PoolTime #RoseCeremony #Facetime #DateCard
#Helicopter #MrsBenHiggins #CrazyPants #ILeftMyBoyfriendForThis
Ben and Jubilee feed each other caviar. Jubilee was not a
fan. Will someone get Jubilee a hot dog, stat!!
Damn, she’s too self aware about herself and the show. Too
bad, hope she sticks around.
Oooh, bikini time. Jubilee's body on fleek! Ben’s got jungle
fever. ♫ Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony. ♫
She has some terrible tattoos. But, really, how many tattoos
in the history of man aren’t terrible? Like, 2%? Jubilee gets it. Haters gonna hate.
Did Jubilee just say that going in a helicopter and hot
tubbin’ at a mansion with Champy would be a normal day with Ben? Seriously,
these girls are so young and stupid. How do I get on this show?! Please!
Please! I’m begging you, Harrison!
Jubilee, “I’m complicated.” Uh-oh, she’s got skeletons hiding out in her closet. “There’s
a lot more to you, Ben, then people see.” No, there’s less.
Yup, she’s adopted…. Aaaand her whole family died. MORE PIANO MUSIC HERE, GUYS!!
She says that she’s the only one who is alive with her
bloodline. What is going on? You’ve been here less than 2 weeks and you’re going this
route. It gets her a rose and some kisses. Shit, Ben kissed her on her hand.
She’s just been put in the friend zone. He respects her too much.
The girls can’t believe Jubilee is back in the house. Bunch of
racists.
Let’s get this show on the road. Let’s rose it up!
Cocktail Party:
Ben’s here! He’s so dreamy.
Uh, he’s telling us about a couple of people who died from
his hometown in a plane crash earlier in the day. Bummer, but no. Don’t do that. You're bringing down the party, man. Loosen up, have a cocktail! Pour one out for your homies.
Olivia grabs him! To tell her about how much she hates her
legs and cankles?! Jesus Christ. Get her outta here. And she’s crying?! Bless her selfish, shallow, callous heart.
Jubilee gets shit talked about her but she has the last laugh when she
grabs Ben to give him a massage. Oh shit! The rest of the sorority house is PISSED! Will someone go out there and break up the sexy, above clothes rubdown. Amber, get on it!
Daggers from the rest of the house. Olivia must be pumped
someone else is getting the negative energy. Amber, the veteran of the house, wants Jubilee to have a chat with the rest of the house to get
the ‘elephant’ out of the room. Glad to see the oldest person in the house has the gall to confront Jubilee but not the right communication skills to deal with it. She's single for a reason. Jubilee is getting cornered in the bathroom.
Ben to the rescue!
They broke her. They broke Jubilee. Tears. LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE!! Her name is Jubilee! Hasn't she been through enough?
Ben is there to console her. He’s a good dude. He’ll make
for a very eligible bachelor once he and the winner break up 6 months from now.
Lace wants some Ben time. It’s definitely late, gotta be around 4am. More booze
please!! Lace is a little nutso. She pulls a fast one and decides to take the high
road and gracefully bow out. Tears. It’s not you, it’s me. Did Ben just call
her Liz? I hope so. I bet she gets that written on her cup at Starbucks half
of the time. Just enunciate better and it won't happen as much, Liz… Lace.
Rose Ceremony:
Already w/ Roses:
Jubilee
Lauren B
Amber
Roses go to:
Lauren H. - meh
Amanduh – oh, she’s cute
Becca – San Diegan, retread
Haley – Twin #1
Emily – Twin #2. Bachelor,
you want to do something for me with these twins. Put them on the 2-on-1 date and MAKE Ben
choose one. Can’t let ‘em both go. It’s all I ask.
Rachel – girl
Caila – cute, ethnic, top 4 material
Jojo – yessir
Jennifer – who?
Leah – probably gone next week
Final Rose!! – Olivia and her gross sausage feet and
non-existent ankles. Ew, gross.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out – Shushanna and Jami. Tears. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!?! These two 23 year olds are never going to find
love!! THE HUMANITY!!! NOOO!!!
Next week:
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. A Carrot Top show! What?!
Britney Spears show! No Way! Group date in a cage with Siegfried and Roy’s white tiger and one of the girls dies!! Whoa,
crazy! Finally our first Bachelor death!
Oh, and Olivia is edited to be batshit bonkers! Or is she?
Dammit! I’m sucked back in, aren’t I? Fudge!
Credits:
Boring people kissing in a hot tub and a bubble comes up. It
wasn’t me!
