Death of a Soulesman. S19, Ep1

Welcome, to Bachelor Season number 19! The most something, something ever. Let's get to it, I'm not gonna waste your time like this 3 hour(!) premier episode of The Bachelor did. This season's Bachelor is Iowan Farmer Chris Soules. When we last left Soules, The Farmer Bachelor, cause he apparently has no other redeeming quality according to the Bachelor producers other than being a "farmer," he was having Andi do him a favor by dumping him. Now look at him, Bacheloring it up in Hollywood (woooowwww, look at the size of that Hollywood sign) attempting to get a girl to move to Iowa with him. Good luck with that, pal.

If you're not familiar with Chris Soules let me refresh your memory. He's from a city in Iowa with a population of 400(!). That population number includes silos and cows, which we see plenty of. He likes motorcycles, seems pretty down to earth, and is easy on the eyes. I'm comfortable in my manhood telling you that. 

Obligatory workout with hay bales/hang with family/riding motorcycle montage. Wait, why is Cody there? Who the hell is Cody? Nevermind, it's not important.

Let's go LIVE to the red carpet! Chris Harrison, ex-contestants, fans lining the sidewalk. This is ridiculous. It's pretty much a free trip to LA for the former contestants who want minutes 14 and 15 on their resume.

Let's check in on the fame whores, shall we.

Hey, Sean and Catherine are here. Ugh. Tell us more about how you practice making babies. Gross. Oh, you stayed in on New Years Eve, the most overrated night of the year and wore sweatpants and watched Rockin' Eve with Seacrest Out. You're soooo normal. Scram you two!

Sharleen, hello, wants nothing to do with the camera. I always liked you, Sharleen. Erica Rose is taking selfies. You know, the chick that always wears that tired tiara. Dammit, I know who she is! She wins, doesn't she? Did you know that each time you take a seflie a part of your soul dies. It's true, I read it on the internet.

Lacey and Markus are here. Who? No one cares. She’s doing the 80/40 thing that she did on BIP. Stop trying to make the 80/40 thing happen. It’s so not fetch. Her voice. Good lord. Sorry Markus. Or is it Marcus? Doesn't matter.

"Wooooo!!! Wooooo!!!" That's all I'm hearing from the Red Carpet, Ellen watching, zumba thinking about doing, bon-bon eating crowd. GO HOME!!! There is literally NOTHING to see here! Nothing!

Let's meet some of the ladies vying for farmer love. 

Britt - 27/Waitress/Hollywood. She’s from LA, No way she’s moving to Iowa. She's a waitress who lives in Hollywood. So cliche. Let's see if Soules can figure out if she's acting or not this season. I bet he can't. We see her holding a 'free hugs' sign in Hollywood. I’ll give you a hug. It’ll cost you $5 though. Just ask the guy dressed as Darth Vader how that works. He knows what's up.

Jillian - 25/News Producer/DC. She. Is. Yoked! We get to see her doing all sorts of exercises. That's about it. Did I mention that she is jacked and is proud of it? Hope that's not a theme for her. She could do some damage this season. Physically and emotionally.

Amanda - 24/Ballet instructor/Chicago burbs. This bitch be crazy. Look out, Chris! Hope she sticks around for a bit.

Whitney - 29/Fertility Nurse/Chicago. Good god, that voice is tough. You're not from Chicago, are ya? Freeze your eggs sweetie. Hold up, and she has a tiny dog?!  No, no, no, no, no...

McKenzie - 21(!)/Dental Asst/WA. 21 with a kid! Sorry, too young and with child. See ya. Thank ABC for the trip to LA.

Alisa - 24/Flight Attendant/NJ. She does some schtick on a fake plane with real actors/passengers. I hope they got a free lunch for the day. It seriously is like 3 rows of a fake plane. While she was telling us how to use oxygen masks and where the exits are I had my headphones on listening to The Serial podcast. Which, by the way, is awful. 10 hours wasted, just like I'm gonna waste 30+ hours on this show.

Kelsey - 28/Guidance Counselor/Austin. She's our sob story for this season. She's a widow due to her husband having a heart attack. Her friends definitely put her up to this. She doesn't want to be there but those are the ones that can go a bit of distance. She's really sweet. Let's put her in the 'possible Bachelorette' category.

Commercial

Fudge, more Red Carpet. Clare is holding a baby. Don’t trust Clare with the baby

Josh and Andi are here. Helllloooo eyebrows. I swear Andi is a robot. Harrison prods them about marriage, Ain’t happenin’ you two. Sorry.... Harrison asks them, “Do you think Chris is gonna find love?” When does anyone say ‘no?’ Um, Andi didn't freakin' want to go to Iowa. Soules is gonna have a hard time here finding someone who does want to move to Bumblescum, IA.

Commercial

Nikki, my fellow Missourah girl is in the house! Whaddup girl. She is looking good. Blah, blah, blah... Juanny P sucks... Also, the director is not showing off the plunging neck line. Hey, you wanna get the 18-49 male demographic, yeah? She says they tried to make the relationship work, “Real life tried not tv show tried.” That's the realest thing anyone has ever said on this show. RIP Juanny P. Nikki, call me.

We're still on Nikki.

I’m zoning out with this convo. I've moved on to looking to see who is picking their nose in the background. We have a winner, Brooks!! She has no regrets. Certainly not living in KC.

Geeezusss, why is Chris still talking to her? This has gone on for 10 minutes. Next!

Commercial

We are inside with the live studio audience! No more red carpet!! Harrison gets the laugh track treatment on his lame jokes.

Soules is on his hog driving to LA. Did he ride that bike all the way from Iowa? Having a bike is a nice problem to have in LA. The traffic won’t be a problem for him. He's a mosquito is the traffic jam of life.

Time to try on clothes, Soules.  Poked and prodded, having people judge you and telling you what to wear. This seems like torture.

He really likes to mention how he’s from a small town. We have cows and 1 stop light. Drink!!

Walking into the mansion. Soules doesn’t take a black light to ANY of the rooms. You might wanna do that. They hosed down the driveway at least.

Commercial

Limo time - Let's meet the ladies!!!

Britt is 1st - Waitress/Hollywood. She’s crying, or trying to. Directors in Hollywood take note. There’s a reason you’re waitressing and not acting. She gives him a free hug card. Keep that, It's gonna come in handy later, Soules.

Whitney - Fertility Nurse/Chicago. She's gotta go.

Kelsey - Widow. Man, is she nice. Almost too nice. Has an 'America's Sweetheart' thing to her.

Megan - 24/Makeup Artist/Nashville. “He’s amazing." Seriously. These girls have no idea what kind of guy he is. But he's amazing.

Ashley I - 26/Freelance Journo/Wayne NJ. I’m a fan. Don't know how Soules feels. She's a pretty brunette and has a vagina, so probably pretty good.

Limo #2

Trina - 33/Special-Ed Teacher/Orange County. Sorry, too old. Buh-bye.

Reegan - 28/Donated Tissue Specialist/Manhattan Beach, CA. She brought him an actual heart. What the actual fuck! J/K it’s a fake heart. She is effing bananas, buh-bye. Also, if you have a kid, don't name them Reegan!!

Tara - 26/Sport Fishing Enthusiast/Ft. Lauderdale. Cool job, I guess? Anything that you're enthused about is a hobby. Her hook is that she's dressed in country gear, like she's ready for a Luke Bryan concert. She goes in the house and immediately starts downing Jameson. She then changes into a dress sneaks back into the limo and does the whole intro thing again. Can’t wait to see her get ripped up. Chris is mystified to see her get out of the limo a second time. She has a twin?! No, Chris, it's the same drunk girl.

Amber - 29/Bartender/Chicago. The black one? I think.

Nikki - 26/Former Cheerleader/NYC. She gets glossed over. But what do you do for work NOW!

Limo #3

Amanda - Ballet teacher. Bitch be cray.

Jillian - Still ripped up. Why did god put these rocks in my arms!!??

Mackenzie - 21/Dental Asst. Nope.

Ashely S - 25/Hair Stylist/Brooklyn. She has no idea where she is. She seems lost.  She found a penny at the airport and put it in Soules' shoe sole. You guys, it's good luck! Swear to god, if she didn't wash her hands after picking up that airport penny!

Kaitlyn - 29/Dance Instructor/Vancouver. She has the line of the night. "You can plow the fuck outta my field any day." Whoa! You go Glen Coco! Love you Kaitlyn. She has matching tats above her elbows. Something tells me she’s not gonna work out. Mainly cause Soules is boring and he can't handle that.

Halftime!

Soules goes inside for a bit to chat up the contestants. "I've never been around this much beauty before.” Except in my field with all my cows. Bessie's the prettiest. I put makeup on her. We dance the tango. If she's in a good mood she'll let me milk her. TMI, Soules. TMI.

Kaitlyn wants to tell a joke.  Plleeeeaaassseeee let her!!!! Yes! Walrus joke about having sex with a tight seal. She’s the next Bachelorette NOW!! Let's start the season today!

Some of these dolts think there’s no more ladies coming. Don’t act like you've never seen the show. You're better than that, ladies. Or maybe they're not. Psssttt, they're not.

Britt is still on an audition. Farmboy can’t figure it out. Don’t kiss her yet, bro.

Harrison puts the 1st Impression Rose on the table! Oh shit! It's on! Love seeing the rose out in the open. Like chum in the water. Bitches be circling.

Harrison interviewing people in the live crowd from Soules' hometown. This isn't AFV, Harrison. Where's Tom Bergeron when you need him?

Commercial

Soules is still chatting up the ladies.

Whitney, “I make babies everyday.” Food babies, but they're still babies.

Earlier someone gave him a note from the limo but didn't come meet him. It's his secret admirer, Amanda, the crazy ballet teacher. Chris found her!! Peek-a-boo. She has big eyes, say the girls behind her back. She does. I’m all for eye contact, but she is looking like she's in the torture chair from A Clockwork Orange. Bring it down a notch, kiddo.

Here come more limos full of soberer girls than the ones we already met. Advantage, limos 4-6!

Commercial - Fuck, more Kevin Hart. C’mon. Enough is enough! I'd rather have the talking m&m's back in my life. Wait. What if? Is he? Nahhh.

Limo #4

Samantha - 27/Fashion Designer/LA. Claws come out from the 1st 15 when she walks in. Meow.

Michelle - 25/Cake Decorator/Provo, UT. Another good looking brunette. Soules has a type.

Juelia (yup, spelled that way) - 30/Esthetician/Oregon

Becca - 25/Chiropractic Asst/San Diego. Have we met?

Tandra - 30/Executive Asst/Utah. She rides in on a motercycle. Soules puts a pillow over his crotch.

Limo #5

Alissa - 24/Flight Attendant/NJ- She brings her prop seatbelt from a plane. She's gonna either blindfold him with a seat belt or handcuff him. Kinky.

Jordan - 24/Student/CO. Brings whiskey. They do a shot in the driveway. My kinda girl.

Nicole - 31/Real Estate Agent/Scottsdale. She's wearing a pig nose cause she likes to “ham it up." Word of advice, Nicole. The only thing he's gonna associate with you from now on is a pig. Don't do that! You're gone.

Brittany - 26/WWE Diva in Training/Orlando. She brings a sign that says #Soulesmates. Florida chicks, man.

Carly- 29/Cruise Ship Singer/Arlington, TX. She strolls up singing into a kiddie karaoke machine. Oh god, and she's wearing what appears to be a princess dress. She might be my 3 year old niece. She gone.

Limo #6. “Make the girls stop coming!” says one of the girls. Phrasing.

Soules,“This is crazy.” Is it? It is.

Tracy - 29/4th Grade Teacher/FL.  I left my kids for this. Awesome, nothing but movies from the substitute for a month. She does damage. Gotta be one of the finalists.

Bo - 25/Plus Size Model/CA. My ass! She weighs like a buck forty. She's no plus size model. Call her that when she hits two bills. 

Kimberly - 28/Yoga Instructor/Long Island. Namaste.

Kara - 25/HS Soccer Coach/KY. She's already talking babies. See ya.

Jade - 28/Cosmetics Developer/LA,CA. You better not be testing on any animals!! I'm in. Top 5.

Whew! Now we’re done. 30 hoes for Farmer Chris.

He has his work cut out for him, for one night at least. 30 is too many. 25 should be the cutoff.

“You’re not a regular guy. You’re amazing.” Drinks are a-flowing.

Soules, "We grow the best pork.” Oh god we’re on to farming talk again.

Get in there ladies. You wanna get that rose, get aggressive. Time is ticking. This ain’t real life. Listen to the dramatic music!! It’s crescendoing. Go! Go!

Commercial

Soules is a brunette guy. This seems pretty clear.

He wishes he was a polygamist right now. That can be done, buddy. There's a few chicks from Utah in your harem.

Drunk Ashley S. talking about onions. She’s had some wine. Some dizziness there. She’s probably gonna get bounced, I hope she stays. Ashley S. interrupts the WWE chick who's talking to Soules. Oh, damn! She just got suplexed! She’s just rambling now. “It’s a freaking onion! Nope, it’s a pomegranate." She’s seems like a fun drunk. Harmless.

Mackenzie, the 21 year old, is having a hard time here. Conversation not really flowing. She'll go home soon. Be with your kid!! 

Tara tells us she has 3 best friends. It’s all alcohol people. Jack Daniels, Jameson and Jim Bean. She’s a train wreck and calls herself out on it. She’s great. More Tara! More Tara!

Britt, the Hollywood waitress, gets the 1st Impression rose. No shit, Soules is smitten. Kissy Kissy. She looks so much like Vannessa Lachey. Very easy on the eyes. She still won't ever act anywhere legit, but The Bachelor is close enough. Final 3, fo' sho'.

Back to the live audience. These poor people gotta sit in this stupid studio and watch this episode. That would suck. No wine? No couch? Maybe some twitter if your phone battery doesn't die. This is by far the worst of the 3 live studio settings The Bachelor does.

Michelle Money does some talking. Don't. Maybe there is some wine in there somewhere.

This might actually be the AFV studio. Tom Bergeron and Harrison need to have a night when they switch hosting gigs. For reals. ABC, that one’s free.

Commercial

Rose Ceremony

We’ve replaced the roses with stalks of corn. Let’s see if the ladies notice.

Roses given to:

*Britt - 27/1st Impression Rose/Brunette

Kaitlyn - 29/Dirty Mouth/Brunette

Jade - 28/Learned nothing about her/Brunette

Girls be stressing

Samantha - 27/Brunette

Ashley I. - 26/Brunette

Tandra - 30/Motorcycle Chick/Blonde

Nikki - 26/Former Cheerleader/Brunette

Kelsey - 28/Widow/Brunette

Megan - 24/Makeup Artist/Dirty Blonde

Drunk Tara is losing it.

Alissa - 24/Flight Att/Brunette

Amber - 29/Bartender/Brunette. Is she black? Should I be asking that?

Juelia - 30/Dirty Blonde

*Becca - 25/Brunette. San Dango in the house!

Trina - 33/Blonde.  Good for her getting a rose. You have something to live for!

Give Tara a rose, dude. DO IT!!

Chris leaves, He was gonna pick Tara but she’s hamstered!  He talks to Harrison bout it bout it.

Talk yourself into it, Soules! Do it!

The girls who aren’t drunk and don't get roses are gonna lose their shit if he gives one to Tara!  Let this happen, for me. Please, Soules.

Mackenzie - 21/Derp/Brunette. Really?

*Tracy - 29/Teacher/Brunette

TARA!!! YESSSS!!!!! - 26/Drunk/Blonde

Jordan - 24/Student/Blonde

Overheard, "I can't believe the drunk girls are getting the roses." So get drunk, maybe you're boring.

Jillian - 25/Works out/Brunette

Whitney - 29/Fertility Nurse/Blonde. C'mon Soules.

Carly - 29/Karaoke/Blonde. I mean it, Soules. Stop playin'.

Last rose!

Ashley S! A drunk girl gets the last rose! You betch! I stayed sober to get ousted?!

(* denotes my final 3)

They all say good bye. It’s like not getting picked during pledge week for a sorority. Girls are so mean to each other. Such passive aggressiveness. It’s daylight already for these exit interviews. Get some sleep, you guys. You've got a long day of sitting at the pool tomorrow.

Tears.

Kara is humiliated. Stop. You weren't good enough. Deal. Go write about it in your diary.

Group Hug!!!

Kimberly is heading back in. Oh, you thought you were embarrassed when you got bounced the first time?? Just wait. Nope, no one remembers you even 2 minutes after you did that. For some reason this is a teaser for next week. Look,the people who watch this garbage are gonna watch no matter what. No reason for teasers.

Sneak peak for the rest of the season! It’s dramatically dramatic!

We have hot air balloons. Alcohol. Echoing in a canyon. Kissing. Motorcycles. Bikinis.

Rafting. Ice Hockey. Kissing. Glass slippers. A shitty country band. Someone dies, maybe. Crying

Alcohol. Silos! Cows! SILOS! COWS!

Someone says “I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair.” Prove it! After the 'plowing my field' comment from Kaitlyn, this is gonna be the #2 quote of the season.

"I've made a huge mistake" - Soules. Maybe he watches Arrested Development. Doubt it.

Crying.

Crying.

More Crying.

The show's name still has not been changed to Crazy Bitches Be Crying. Not sure why.

Whoa! This IS the most dramatic season everrrr!!!!!

See you next week, Nerds!