Wedding Crashers. S19, Ep3.

This special episode of The Bachelor is special because Jimmy Kimmel is here! 

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Soules. He’s clearly surprised coming out of a deep sleep. I'd probably punch Kimmel if he woke me up at 5am.

Harrison later introduces Kimmel to the girls. I would say that most of the girls know who he is. Kimmel introduces himself, “Hello Sister Wives.” Yup, that sounds about right.

Kimmel brings out the ‘Amazing jar,' a swear jar. Gotta add a dollar every time you say 'amazing.' Why would the contestants have money on them? Kimmel leaves the date card, it's for Kaitlyn.

One-on-One w/ Kaitlyn:

Soules and Kaitlyn share a limo ride while sipping champagne on their way to Costco. Well, this is a new date experience. Something a little more normal. I would take this date over just about any other date. Curious how crowded the place is and what free samples they decide to nosh on. 

Soules opens the date card after they step out of the limo. Kimmel sends them on a ‘crazy mission’ to go shopping. Kimmel leaves them his Costco card, which shouldn’t work if the Costco checker is doing their job right. As they shop for enough ketchup to fill a bath tub The Bachelor interns are loading up on alcohol for the girls back at the mansion. 

This has to be the slowest day of all-time at Costco. Where are all the people? More free samples for them, I guess. After doing things that nobody ever does at Costco they get some kissy-kissy time in a giant inflatable ball. Wait, they didn't get any of the free food samples?! You’re doing it wrong!!!

Soules, “What a crazy date at Costco.” No, Soules! No! Bad Soules! Although, he is from Iowa. Maybe going to Costco is considered crazy. Also, whatever happened to Supermarket Sweep? Can we bring that back with the supermarket being a Costco? I'll host.

Back at Soules' place, Kaitlyn is looking to steal some kisses. Kissy-kissy. Where they see chemistry I see awkwardness. Something is off. Meh, what do I care?

Kimmel interrupts the kissing sesh with a house warming gift. “Do you like beef?” asks Kimmel. Surprise! She does. It's whats for dinner.

Kimmel is great. He’s excellent off the cuff. His main goal here is to make them feel uncomfortable. Kimmel, “I assume there is love-making in the fantasy suite. If you win and you watch the show 3 months later and see that he has made love to other women how will that make you feel?"

Kaitlyn, “Can’t take out a car without test driving it.”  

Kimmel, “It’s not gonna get any better than this.”  Get to it, Soules. Time's a wastin'!

Kimmel, "Let’s have a threesome, guys.” Hardy-har-har.

It's just them laughing with their awful laughs now. Look, I wanna have dinner with Kimmel too. I'm sure it would be a barrel of damn monkeys, but I doubt it would be fun to watch on tv. This is what's happening here. They can't stop laughing and my time is being wasted. And so is yours. I'm sorry.

Kaitlyn gets the rose as Kimmel heckles them from in between. The ‘amazings’ are racking up! As Kimmel leaves he snags a few pillows from the outdoor couch. 

Hot tub time! Kissy-kissy. They then do a take with Kimmel in the hot tub eating wings while they’re making out. But, I thought he left. Stupid, but funny.

Wait a minute, what did they do with all the stuff they bought at Costco? That date makes even less sense now.

Jillian is working out. If the cameras weren't there she would be grunting up a storm, Monica Seles style. Why do they keep blocking out her crotch/butt? Does she have a penis?

Group Date:

Are you ready to meet some real party animals? - Jimmy

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly.

To the limos!!

Farm skill challenge! The challenge: Who can embarrass themselves the fastest? The obstacle course consists of corn shucking, finding an egg in the chicken pen, cracking that egg, milking a goat and then drinking that milk, shoveling manure into a wheelbarrow, and finally wrestling a greased pig and placing it in a pen. Lets get ready to RRRRUUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLEEEEEE!!! 

If she can’t shuck corn she ain’t for Soules.

Hustle, ladies! Hustle! 

Shit, Jillian is wearing a ‘stay classy’ shirt. That’s not played out enough, Jillian. Block that out, ABC.

Carly is in the lead. Drink that goat milk, ladies. Amber says the milk looks “salty and warm. Not something I want in my mouth.” You're not gonna win Prince Farming's heart with that attitude.

Seriously, though, with the blurring of Jillian’s ass. Enough. Let it roll.

Carly Wins! Don Pardo, tell her what she's won! Carly, you've won a blue ribbon and a picture with Chris as you re-enact American Gothic. Neato.

Commercial: Everyone, Whoopie’s back on The View! Thank god.

Group Date Rooftop Drinks:

Carly snags him first. “You are a man and I am a women.” She goes in for the kiss. And Iiiii-eee-iii will always love you. Carly, put away the karaoke machine, you're not on The Princess Royal.

Dancing with Amber. Kissy-kissy.

Mackenzie is confused cuz he’s kissing all these girls. She doesn’t feel special anymore. She’s right, she’s not special. She flat out asks him why he’s kissing everyone else. Damn, Mackenzie. Stop being so jelly. 

Britt is feeling weird about the situation. Come on craziness. Show yourself!! Where are you?!

Becca has about as normal a convo with Soules as you can on this show. Becca, if it doesn’t work out with Soules I live in the San Diego area. She’s playing hard to get. He’s gonna want to chase that dragon. Good for Becca. She has a pretty good gameplan.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion. Whitney is talking. Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! My ears!

She gets the one-on-one. "Tomorrow is gonna be fun. No whining." – Jimmy

Dammit, I have to listen to her voice for at least one full segment. I may have to fast forward that.

Well, well, well. Look who the rose goes to. It goes to Becca! Her plan is in full effect!

Carly is sad. Get over it. You caught a greased pig all for our enjoyment. No rose for you! 

One-on-One w/ Whitney:

The two of them head to a winery in Malibu. I mean, where else would it be? Good god this voice. I don’t even know what to do here. Muting would be the easy way out but then I wouldn't be able to hear Soules trip over his words, too.

Whitney says she always meets people at airports. She’s the reason for headphones in public. Now that $400 price tag on Dre Beats is starting to sound reasonable.. I wish I could describe her voice. She's from Chicago but has a chipmunky high-pitched Tennessee accent mixed with a jack hammer, airhorn, and nails down a chalkboard.

Hey, there's a wedding goin' on at the Winery cuz of course it is. Oh, they’re gonna crash it. "YOLO!" Shut up, Whitney. 

They attempt to have a back story to make their wedding crash seem plausible. How can this possibly go wrong?

“There's something about wedding days that are so romantic.” Whitney, are you even listening to yourself talk?

After they change clothes they take a limo to the reception. They even bought a gift. How is this gonna work without seeming staged? The cameras manage to stay far enough away, it seems.

She thinks that someone is gonna recognize him. She’s probably right. The story is that they are engaged and they have to be quiet about it. That story is actually pretty decent. They could pull this off.

They’re just sitting at a random table.  Soules is terrible at this. Improv is not his strongsuit. Stammering is, though. At least Whitney is there to save him.

They’re onto you, Soules. Run!! Run!! Grab some cake first!

They manage to get on the dance floor. She reels him in like a dead fish. They also do the shopping cart and the lawn mower. Oh, the farmer definitely knows how to do the lawn mower. Don't ask him what kind of mower, though. That's like a 20 minute conversation that you won't be able to get out of.

Whitney gets into the bouquet toss. Damn, she really went for that bouquet. Somebody believes in omens.

Slow dancing at the wedding. Kiss her so she shuts up! Kissy-kissy. Thank you, Soules.

Pretty cool wedding setting. I really enjoy the winery wedding. 

Amazing amazing amazing amazing. Gaaah, we get it! They keep ringing a damn bell when anyone says amazing, but there’s no tracker. Do the producers not watch sports? Put numbers in corners! Numbers in corners!!!!

Whitney gets a rose. He can imagine her being his wife. Hey, it’s your funeral, bro. She accepts the rose like she would if she were asked to be engaged. She’s bonkers. But, she's Chris's bonkers. He's into this chick.

Pool party!

Kimmel tells the ladies to get ready for the pool as he leaves with the 'amazing' money jar. Where did they get all those ones? 

Ashley I. wants to do her Kardashian look tonight cuz of course she does. She loooooves having that look. Eff her.

Here comes Chris into the pool! Cannonball!

Kaitlyn, "It's like sharks on a poor little innocent sea lion.” Fine, she's growing on me.

Uh-oh, Juelia wants to tell him about her past, mainly the story of her husband committing suicide. What a Debbie Downer. We were having fun in the pool, drinking Miami Vice’s and you gotta come in with your awful headband on and ruin the fun.

She’s lost someone and it's made her realize that you never know when you can lose someone.

Life is short. Don't sweat the small stuff. Blah, blah, blah... All of this is true, but I'm not in the mood for this on The Bachelor.

The suicide story goes sort of like this. Her husband came home from work one night and told her that he wrote a suicide note. "How can you do this with your daughter over there." Oh boy, here come the tears. Juelia, "That night he snapped and turned into a different person." Look what you made your husband do, Juelia! She left the house that night. The next day they talked in the morning, Later in the day she gets a text, "I’m sorry. I love you." He shot himself. You’re on your own here, Soules. Did she not pay a psych for this. Why do I have to listen to this? I feel bad for Chris here. He's handling it about as well as he can.

That’s a hard way to go about trying to get a kiss, Juelia. Hugs for you. Friend zone.

At least the girls are leaving them alone. Nice that they realize the gravity of that talk. Either that or they have a game of flip-cup going on. I got my money on flip-cup game.

Back to the fun pool party:

Ashley I. is feeling threatened. But you have a Kardashian look that will impress him.

Britt just wants to kiss. Shut the eff up, Soules! Kissy-kissy

Jade, it’s a game. Get your game face on! “Let’s go see your place.”

Jillian, following Jade and Soules, heads on down to his hot tub wearing a black box. Why, ABC? Why? It makes no sense. They are ALL wearing bikinis. Stop being stupid! This black box is making me so mad!

Jade and Soules jump on the bed and it's make out time. Soules has to be thinking that it can’t be this easy. Hey man, when you're The Bachelor it doesn't get any easier. Yes, porn remix music! Heels in bed! Jade is making moves!! Hey now. The camera guy is loving this.

Hahahahaha! Awkwardness, as they see Jillian chilling in the hot tub when they walk out of the room. Soules is walking a little funny. Get in the hot tub as soon as possible, Chris!

Megan, Mackenzie, and Ashley I, aka. The Immature Crew, try to devise a plan to interrupt Jillian’s time. Jillian gets some kissy-kissy, aaaaandddd Mackenzie is first to go interrupt. You can tell her to do anything and she’ll do it. Mackenzie, this smells funny, eat it.

Now all four are in the tub. Ashley I. is drunk(?). This is boring and awkward. I’m done with this.

Stop crying Ashley I., “I would have given other girls one-on-one time if I already had 10 minutes with him.”  No you wouldn't. Stop.

Everyone is back at the house, Soules grabs Ashley I. She’s crying and coming off needy. Brutal. What would a Kardashian do?! Well, what would a Virgin Kardashian do? A Virgin Kardashian just goes in for the kiss. A Kardashian would do more, Ashley I. Lots more. The girls are super aggressive this season. Damn.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses in hand:

Kaitlyn - 25/Costco

Becca – 25/Playing hard to get.

Whitney – 29/Muted Mouse

Kimmel and Harrison give Soules some advice. Is he even listening?

1^st rose goes to

Jade - 28/Heels in bed

Samantha - 27/I'm sorry, who?

Juelia - 30/Hug zone

Mackenzie - 21/I don't know either

Kelsey - 28/Widower, too!

Britt - 27/ACTING!

Megan - 24/Make-up artist

Carly - 29/Obstacle course champion.

Ashely S. - 24/Nothing fun from her this week. Bummer.

Ashley I. is starting to lose it.

Nikki - 26/Some brunette

Jillian - 25/Possible man

Kimmel, "Ladies. This is the final rose of the night." Hey, anyone can do Harrison's job!

Ashley I. - 26/Kardashian look

Gone are Tracy (The 1st of my final 3 to go. :(. Hit me up gurrrl), Amber, and some blonde girl.

Amber hates being rejected ‘again.’ Will someone puh-leeze date the good looking bartender from Chicago. 

Next Week: 

We find out that we have a second virgin! The horror!

Britt’s craziness comes out?

Credits:

Harrison, “Jimmy take a moment and say your goodbyes.” Kimmel exit interview in the limo while crying with fat suit kimmel as the limo driver.