My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Suite. S18, Ep9

After Monday night’s obvious ending It seems like we’re gonna get another one tonight.  That’s what happens when you have Juanny P. behind the wheel.  He doesn’t overthink anything, or think in general.

The 3 contestants left, Clare, Nikki, and Andi head to St. Lucia in The Caribbean.

Juanny P says that the overnight dates are special because there will be no cameras and they can learn about each other more.  How much time do you really need to learn about each other anyway?  Juanny P. reiterates NO CAMERAS. Creepy.

Clare 

Kissy-kissy.  She’s gonna go bananas if she doesn’t win.  I can't wait.  She’s talking engagement.

The 2 of them take a tiny boat out to a Yacht.  It’s the Sharleen date in Miami.  Clare hasn’t even received the Fantasy Suite card and she is already having trouble with her decision.  She HAS seen the show.  Please, we all know you’re gonna say ‘Si.’

Clare, “Tonight will be the perfect night to tell him I am falling in love with him.”  Is there a gun range nearby?

The yacht’s name is Pixel.  Doesn’t mean anything, just want to be thorough.  Juanny P. tells Clare that all her sisters were awesome.  She calls her dad ‘daddy.’  Uh-oh, red flag.  But we already knew that.  She thinks that he loves spending time with her family.  That’s not exactly what he said, Clare.  Upon further review, they might be perfect for each other.  She doesn’t listen and he just wants besitos.  Get in your bikini already.  Juanny P. needs some visuals.

Night time.  The dinner/hangout setup is straight out of a Pier One catalog.

You've got some mustard on your... got it.

Tonight, Clare wants to talk about Camila.  What is going on?  This is insane.  This is a conversation you should have had WEEKS ago!  Clare, “He takes this seriously.”  Whatever helps you sleep at night, Clare.

"You don't say."

Stop puckering and licking your lips, Clare.  Gross.  All she wants is to replace her father’s love.  Is it that hard?!  That's what she said.

Fantasy Suite card is out in the open!  She’s hesitant.  Brings up the Vietnam discussion they had regarding Juanny P’s slut-shaming.  Then she says, "I am in love with you."  Juanny P's reaction is priceless. 

She says ‘YES!’  Let’s do the Fantasy Suite! Odds on that were -5000, big favorite.  Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Juanny P., "We just laid in bed talking and talking." Sure, talking.

Andi

Soooo crazy!

Andi is rocking a red dress again.  Andi, "I feel like a real couple with him."  The two cruise around town, stumble upon a group of people playing the steel drums.  They join in, "Hot, hot, hot."  

Juanny P. just HAS to play soccer with the locals.  Andi thinks it's CRAZY!  Soccer is so nuts, so adventurous.

Sweaty Juanny P. and Andi hop into a land buggy and cruise around town.  They drive through a bit of jungle and go to a waterfall.  Juanny P. has a picnic setup already. Where does he find the time?  Is there anything he can't do?

How long has this been sitting here?

Andi, "What did you talk to my family about?" Generalities.  Oh no, now Andi thinks she could be proposed to.  I can't say this enough.  HE WILL NOT PROPOSE!  We will see Neil Lane in 2 weeks, thank goodness, but I don't see Juanny P. proposing. 

Waterfall besitos

Night time. Juanny P. to Andi, "You told me that you really badly wanted to fall in love.  Like forcing yourself."  Andi, "I don't see this as forcing.  There is a child involved.  I worry because it's serious.  I may overthink things a lot."  Juanny P., "There is nothing wrong with thinking."  Ummmm.....

I've said this before, but Andi is way too smart for this.  Her questioning is far too logical and analytical.

Fantasy Suite card is up!  Si!

Juanny P. "We get to learn more about each other."  I love the reasoning behind using the Fantasy Suite.  It will answer questions like "What should be the safeword?" and "Have you seen my underwear?"

Juanny P. "I think Andi could be the one."  Don't start thinking now, Juanny P.

Next morning.  Juanny P. "We talked and laughed for hours.  Hours.  Like, for hours."  Lost in translation.

Andi, on the other hand, could not wait to get out the Fantasy Suite.  She thought she had genuine feelings but the Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare.  She saw a side of Juanny P. that she didn't like.  What took so long, Andi?

Andi, "He didn't care for me.  He didn't ask me questions about myself."  "He said he had an overnight with Clare." "it's extrememly important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than himself."  HAHAHAHA!!! This guy.

Look, you signed up for this Andi.  Remember this in 6 months when you're on the other side.

Tears. 

Nikki

GOOD LORD, NIKKI. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!?!?!  She's like a 1970's Disco Pocahontas. 

Let's try this again.

Hey, Juanny P. is on a horse.  He is a cowboy!

Like a rhinestone cowboy!

Nice penmanship, Harrison

Juanny P. "This is real life."  He stopped thinking again.

Tie the horses up, it's picnic on the beach time. Nikki to Juanny P., "This is what I want.  My natural reaction is to hold back."  Juanny P. is done listening, kissy-kissy. 

Nikki, "I want to tell him 'I love him' at dinner tonight."  

"I did not know that."

Fantasy Suite card.  Duh!  Nikki is in!  Juanny P., "Me and Nikki together.  Finally."  Gross.

Nikki, "I love you."  Juanny P., "I didn't know that."  HAHAHAHA!!!  This guy.  Play on Player. 

Pre-Rose Ceremony

HAHAHAHA!!! This setup! The headshots!  It's too much.

Hey, Harrison.  Let's have a chat.

Juanny P. "My words get a little mistranslated."  Uh-huh.

The ladies left personal videos.  Let's have a watch.

Nikki - Does she do her own hair into the fishtail?  That's all I got out of it.

Clare - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Andi - I want to share my thoughts with you in person, not on video.  I'm out!

Andi's last Juan-on-One

Andi, "I felt like Juan Pablo doesn't take this seriously. I learned plenty about him and his only response was 'besitos.'  All he wanted to say was 'eees okay' and give me kisses."

Andi still has 'Manning face'

I just need one last face touch.  Last one, promise.

Gotta get one last 'hair tuck' in, Juanny P.  It's like a drug.  Andi, "I realized I wasn't going to be in love with you."  Juanny P., "Eees okay."  Andi, "It shouldn't just be okay.  I missed things at home to do this.  To find love.  I want to die if I have to hear 'Eees okay' one more time."  Want some french cries with that whaaamburger, Andi?

This is straight nonsense.  Andi, just go enjoy St. Lucia and call it a day.  Rent a bike, go for a ride.  Go snorkeling.  What do you want?!!!

Look, the bottom line is that you WANT to finish 3rd of 4th on this show.  Make that happen and you will have a 50% shot at becoming the next Bachelor/ette.  The bronze medal IS winning!

Ugh, more arguing.  Awww, it's their first, and last, fight.  Kinda on Juanny P's side now.  Andi is just prodding.  She went to school for this.  Juanny P. "I'm not gonna argue with a lawyer."  Smartest thing he's said all season.

All I got was this cool vacation.  Whaaaa!!!

More face touching!!!  ABC just announced a new show to their spring lineup, The Face Toucher starring Marc Anthony as Juanny P.  Man with language barrier who touches faces to see the past/future.  Tagline: Eees Okay.

Adios, Andi.  Minivan tears.  Looks like the 2000 Toyota Sienna is just getting popular in St. Lucia. 

We'll see you soon, Andi.

Rose Ceremony

Clare must have a closet full of tacky cocktail dresses. 

Harrison, "Andi is no longer here.  Here's Juan Pablo."  Thanks for showing up, Harrison.

First rosa goes to Nikki.  Daggers from Clare.  Second rosa goes to Clare!  Nikki's roots don't care.

Clare, "I'm ready to leave here an engaged woman."  Oh, boy.  gonna be a doozy in 2 weeks.

"Sooo, I've been thinking.  Threesome?"

Next Week

Women Tell All.  LOUD NOISES!  Filmed this past Friday in LA.  I did not get invited. :(

Credits

Juanny P. walking on the beach.  Critters and nature.