Continued from last week's Bachelor… The girls with roses are celebrating. Kimberly walks back in and wants a chat with Soules. She feels like she didn’t get a chance to talk to Soules. Yeah she effing did. Carpe Diem, Kimberly. “I feel like I was supposed to meet you.” You did. She’s trying to show emotion, it’s not pretty. By now they’ve been up ALL night. These chicks are shot. Soules has a sidebar with Harrison. Soules decides to give Kimberly a rose. HA! Soules is spineless. The rest of the girls are obvi totes ecstatic. Golf clap. Kimberly, where did that X on your back come from?
After their naps...
Harrison and Soules having a heart to heart at his place Wait a
minute, where is he staying? Is he next door? Oh, dayuuumm! He’s right down the driveway. The
contestants are gonna burn a path to his door. I’m all for this new move. He might find
one of them in his closet waiting for him, or in his bed, or cooking cereal, or looking in the mirror
at herself. Endless possibilities for craziness to come from.
Drunk Tara, “Last
night was fun.” Oh, yeah?
Again, some dummy says, “He’s amazing.” For crying out loud. I want him to brand a
cow in front of them, then we’ll see how amazing he is.
Group Date #1: Show Me Your Country
Kimberly, Tara, Mackenzie, Jade, Tandra, and Ashley I.
Megan is jealous. Call the waaaahhh-mbluance.
Surf bro Soules is in the house!
Soules is “pumped" for this date. They head to downtown LA, which is always a ghost town. LA is weird that way. They meet Soules on a rooftop. Hug line!
Pool party!! Damn right. Get in your bathing suits ladies!
One-on-one w/ Kimberly. Hey, she FINAAAALLLYYY gets some time with him! Thank
goodness. Did I mention that Soules is spineless?
Back at the house girls be snooping. Jillian and Megan sneak into Soules
place. He has a motorcycle in the living room? What? Why? I need to stop asking questions that clearly have no easy answer. How many mimosas have these two girls had today? Megan is wearing Soules' motorcylce helmet and banging her head on wall, fridge, just about anything she can hit her head on. She's a keeper.
 |
| Chris and I on our 1st date |
Back to the Group date. The girls are walking around
downtown LA in their bikinis. Anything for a man. Right, ladies? I wonder what we could be doing in LA wearing bikinis..
TRACTOR RACE!!!
ABC shut down a street for this? I hope none of them get
gonorrhea.
Sidenote: That clip is a must watch. It's from my favorite Seinfeld episode ever, The Burning, and is too good to not use for this tractor date.
It's like The Bachelor producers are inside my head.
Ashley I. has the 'need for speed.' The tractors don’t go any
faster than 5 mph. Ashley, not slowed down by her hula hoop sized earrings, wins! Her parents must be beaming. "That's our girl." She gets some one-on-one with Soules.
Back at the Mansion... We discover Juelia has a daughter. She's at least the 3rd contestant to leave her kid, the love of their lives, at home
to find love vs. 29 other women on a game show. - I'm sick of baby love. I want real man love. - Whoa! Juelia's baby-daddy committed suicide! What the fudge?! She wants to tell Chris all about her trauma, cause, you
know, he will love that. Who wouldn’t want to take this on?
Back at the Group Date: Mackenzie’s self esteem is through the floor. 21 year olds generally get eaten alive on this show. Always gotta be one in the group.
Soules decides to take a one-on-one with Mackenzie. Bullshit! I call bullshit! This is the producers idea. What the hell is going on? He left the rose on the
table too! The rest of the girls are dumbfounded. I don't get it either.
With Mackenzie we find out that Soules used to have an earring. It's hard in small town America, you guys.
She says that he has a perfect big nose. She is struggling while trying to figure this out. She is young and acts young and asks questions like, “Do you believe in aliens?” Soules, “The fact
that she’s talking about aliens is a red flag.” Why is she here?
She is scared to tell Soules something. She tells Soules
that she has a kid. A one year old named Kale. His name probably starts with 'C' but eff that. He's a vegetable. Aaaaannnnddd, here come the phone
pics. I think you can get some heroine down the street, Soules.
Mackenzie gets a rose! Am I taking crazy pills? Kissy-kissy. Dammit, Chris!
Doorbell!
Date card
Megan gets it. That betch!
Megan is confused as to whether this is a date or not. Has
she not seen the show before? If you're a contestant I need to know if you've seen the show or not. That should replace 'profession' under the contestant's name.
Mackenzie is rehashing the night with the others. "We kissed and danced..." She’s wearing her bad idea
jeans. Sweet, young Mackenzie. Don’t!!! Too much info! She’s gonna get burned to the ground by
these jackals.
CHRIS IS HERE!! AHHHH!! AHHHHH!!
1-on-1 w/ Megan: Love is a natural wonder.
Megan is a makeup artist? She’s cute. Makeup, eh, not so much.
On the date they get a private plane to Vegas. Helicopter sighting! First one of the season! Drink! They take a scenic tour of Vegas, over Hoover Dam and then into the Grand Canyon.
Megan, “This is the most amazing day of my life.” No way, Jose. Think a little harder.
Picnic on the Colorado River at the base of the Grand
Canyon. Cheers!
Hey, Megan. I was wondering if you have a crazy story that can top Juelia's husband/suicide story. Oh, you do? Cool... Her boss told her that she needed to go on the Bachelor. Anywaaay, during the process her dad had a heart attack became brain damaged and then passed away. How is she not crying through
this story? I've lost a parent and don’t think I could hold myself together
like that. She's lying. Only possible excuse. Kissy-kissy.
Megan gets a rose! You get a rose! And you get a rose! And you
get a rose! More kissy-kissy.
Megan, “I’ve never liked a guy this much my entire life.” Where's the chill?
Group Date #2: Til death do us part
Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley A, Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt.
To the limos!
The girls park in the middle of some abandoned area. They
are in the limos and freaking out about what may happen. Are they serious? What’s going to happen. Oh,
zombies are there. Ugh, these girls are so dumb. You’re on a tv show!! Nothing is going to happen to you!
Ashley S. is calmly trying to get out the car. She’s
mentally stable, though. This chick is fantastic! I can't scream this loud enough.
CHRIS IS HERRRREEE!!! This fake zombie ordeal was terrifying to the women. This doesn’t count as a fear date, btw.
Paintball! They have to kill some zombies. Coach Soules is
trying to get these girls pumped up. The girls are all ah-mah-zing at paintball, so say some of them.
Ashley S. wants to shoot the other girls. Kaitlyn on Ashley S., “She shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle.” I like Ashley S. She could be a serial killer, though.
Why won't the zombies be shooting at the girls? This is rigged.
Is this the same paintball place that was in 10 Things I Hate About You? It's not, but it gave me a good excuse to watch that scene. RIP Heath.
So much screaming. Good lord, ladies. Pull it together.
Ashley just walks through the zombies. No fear! She’s the best. Fantastically
crazy. She’s continuing to shoot guys that are already dead over and over.
“She’s in a different world. No question.”
Soules on Ashley S.
Ashley S. is just racking up the cover blurbs for when her self-help book comes out.
Paintball is over! Yay, alcohol! Soules, “You guys killed it today.” Hardy-har-har. Derp.
Back at the house. Jordan is hamstered. She’s the student. You know, the one who brought Jameson nibs as her first impression out of the limo. Oh, we learn she can twerk a wall while doing a handstand against it. Neat! Also, talking smack on Jillian, "She has a hairy ass crack." Excited to see
how that plays out later.
Commercial
Kaitlyn gets a little one-on-one time. She moved to Germany for a dude. BORING! Kissy-kissy. Soules is going for it. He’s had a pretty good couple of days if you ask me.
Ashley-land looks fun. She is in her own little world. Amber, “Something's not all there.”
HEY! AMBER! YOU SHUT UP! LEAVE ASHLEY S. ALONE!!
Ashley S., “Like that’s how I feel. Like, boom!” “Go find your
own way to the truth." Seriously, guys.
 |
| Like, boom! |
She wants to be the hider while playing a game of hide-and-seek with Soules. There is no way she is drunk. I don’t
think they've had enough time to get to that point. She is just legitimately kinda
nutso. Or pills maybe. Something's up.
Her attention span is so... oh, look! A butterfly!
Ashley S. walks in on Soules doing an interview with the producers. She is losing it. “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world
either.” I love her! She's just laying in the street talking to
a cat. Who doesn't do that? You're weird if you don't.
Britt gets some one-on-one. He is smitten with her. She’s definitely the
frontrunner at this point but those tend to fade near the end. She’s got crazy
eyes, too. I can see them. Soules is gonna lose his mind around episode 5 with all these women. Kissy-kissy.
Soules trusts his gut and gives the rose to Kaitlyn. Seemed like the easy
call.
Britt is confused that she didn't get the rose. Stop, Britt. Stop.
Cocktail Party
Chris is looking sharp. Looks like a dude who just had a
montage of trying on clothes in last weeks episode.
Whitney has a little surprise for him. She gives him a
bottle of whiskey(?) after saying that her bro in law is from Iowa. Way to sneak
that in. It’s gonna be ingrained in his brain due to her voice. Yikes.
How is Mackenzie still there?
Ashley I. says she’s never had a boyfriend before and that she’s
a virgin. Mackenzie, who gets all her info from 90's rom-coms starring Jennifer Aniston, says that guys like it when they take your virginity. “I
can’t even use that cause I have a kid.” Yup, can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, Mackenzie.
Ashley I., where would you like to have your virginity taken? A
suite in Thailand after receiving a note from Chris Harrison. Sounds romantic. Definitely memorable.
Ashley I. tells Soules, “You have 3 wishes on my belly button.” What now? 1st
wish is, you guessed it, kissy-kissy. Rub the belly….. ooohhh, boy!! Ashley is
really getting up in there. I know she's never had sex before but has she
ever kissed a boy before. My word. She's eating his face. Soules is dead.
Britt is crying. I’m telling you right meow, she is gonna be
a disaster! Can’t wait.
Amber, goes right in the for kiss. Atta girl, get aggressive! She comes back and
tells drunk Jordan. It’s showtime with Jordan! She’s hammered. If we know
anything it's that the drunker you get the better your chance to get a rose. And she's been by far the drunkest.
Rose Ceremony
Roses in tow:
Mackenzie -21/Why is she still here?
Kaitlyn - 29/Canadian.
Megan - 24/Make-up
Soules, “The girls are just awesome.” Bingo! Hey everyone, I just got Bachelor Bingo!
*Britt - 27/The crazy is coming. It has to.
Ashley I. - 26/Virgin from Jersey
Trina - 33/Really gonna lose it when she gets booted.
Tara with an eye roll - I know they're edited, but they're so funny.
Kelsey - 28/Haven't really touched the surface of her sob story yet.
Samantha - 27/ Yeeaaaahhh, she's there, but, I mean, is she really there?
Juelia - 30/Husband suicide/That 'e' is starting to really bother me.
Jillian, mistaking her name for Juelia's, goes forward and almost eats it on the rug as she laughs maniacally! Nice recovery, Jillian! Those squats are paying off. The girls reactions are priceless. Speak up, Soules!!
 |
| Laughing on the inside. |
Amber - 29/Diverse
*Tracy - 29/Teacher
Jillian - 25/Hairy ass?
Jade - 28/Ummmm
Nikki - 26/Basic
*Becca - 25/Fellow San Diegan
Carly - 29/Cruise Ship Singer. Gone next week.
Whitney - 29/That voice, though.
Final Rose goes to…
Ashley S.! - 24/HAHAHA!! Amazing!!!
Gone are Drunk Tara, Drunk Jordan, Kimberly, Tandra, and Alissa. Kimberly
needs to come back again and do the same thing she did in the beginning of the episode. That
would be the icing on the cake.
 |
| I know 1 or 2 more of these brunettes have been eliminated but I can't tell them apart for the life of me. |
28 year old Kimberly is sad cause she doesn’t have a family. Kimberly, sweetheart, it's gonna be okay.
Get it together, Tara. “I never seem to be anybody’s number
one.” Tara, crying as she hears them celebrate inside. This is gold. “This
will haunt me the rest of my life.” I wish I was watching this episode with her
tonight to see the regret on her face.
Next week:
Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Soules. Bachelor is killing it this season so far.
.
Credits:
Jordan, wake up! Gotta embarrass her on the way out, I guess.
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