El Bachelor. S18, Ep2

Reading time: 10 minutes.

I love The Bachelor, you love The Bachelor, we all love The Bachelor.  I wrote a mere 1600 words, with minimal typos and sentence structure mistakes, because a lot happened in episode 2 so I won’t bore you with a forward.  Let’s get to some Juanny P.!

Date 1: Clare

Clare is a 32 year old Hair Stylist from Sacramento who has NEVER BEEN ON VACATION.  What?!  Well, I guess living in Sactown is basically a staycation.  She doesn’t go to bars or date online.  Just like me!  Because of her failure to seemingly have a normal social life she is obviously hopeful that her and Juanny P. will have a future together.  It reminds me of when I go out and have a cute waitress who is flirty.  “I think she likes me.  I’m gonna ask for her number.”  Noooo!  It’s forced contact.  All they want is a better tip.  Sorry Clare, it ain’t happenin’.  That’s crazy talk.  However, if you stick around long enough you will get a tip.  Not sure how big, though.

The date starts off with her being whisked away in front of the other girls.  They are so totally jel.  She is then blindfolded as they go for a drive.  I have no idea how long.  30 minutes?  Oh, geez.  Is Scorsese directing this episode?  Seems like it’s a play for the ’50 Shades’ crowd.  Juanny P. drives her to a secluded spot in LA where there is fake snow, an ice rink, and a hot tub.  As they begin to play in the snow I pray for Juanny P. to rear back, drill her with a snowball, then rub her face in it.  Then I realize that Juanny P. has probably never seen Dumb and Dumber and I get sad.

They ice skate, barely.  It is melting ice in 65 degree weather, after all.  They hot tub.  Clare tells Juanny P. about her father who died from brain cancer.  Way to be a buzzkill, Clare.  (By the way, the last time I applied for the show I brought up my mother dying from brain cancer.  Didn’t work.  Bachelor casting must be more sentimental now.). Juanny P. makes Clare feel like a kid again! She’s known him for 3 hours and she’s ready to move in with him.  Bitches be cray.  She gets a rose, Juanny P. gets some tongue, then they walk over to dance and listen to some guy I’ve never heard of named Josh Krajcik play some music.  His album is up to #52 on iTunes. The Bachelor Bump!

For some reason in the middle of the date the producers needed to throw in a quick clip of Lucy, the “Free Spirit who tries too hard to be a Free Spirit,” running around naked.  She’s awful and needs a tutorial in how to apply makeup, but she’ll be around for a little while longer because who doesn’t like naked girls who don’t wear shoes?  Gross.

NEXT!

Date 2: Kat

Next date goes to Kat Hurd.  Yup, Kat Hurd.  I can’t even make that up.  Well, I could.  She’s 29, a medical sales rep., and has been fooled into thinking Malcolm Gladwell is her favorite author.  She’s also a former NBA dancer, one of 2 on the show.  C’mon.

During her pre-date interview she called the show ‘real life’.  Where’s my gun?

They head to the airport for a ride on a private jet.  She wants the man of her dreams to surprise her like this all the time.  That’s cute.  She thinks the jet is his.  Thanks ABC.

The jet takes them to Salt Lake City for an electric run 5K.  How much money did Active pay for The Bachelor get to do this awful date?  Whatever.  Juanny P. surprises her with a neon running outfit on the way to SLC.  Just like Pretty Woman only with slightly less prostutution!  Yay!

The date goes smoothly.  They run, they dance, and they kiss.  Juanny P. gives her a rose because he’s bad at letting people down.

NEXT!

Date 3: Group Date

3 girls don’t get a date.  The girls that do get to go on the date are in for a surprise.  Doggies!!   Juanny P. and the women are doing a calendar photo shoot for a dog charity.  Kelly, the girl whose job somehow is ‘Dog Lover’ is stoked.  How much do Dog Lover’s make?

The group goes to the hottest club in LA, Dog Calendar Photoshoot.  Dog Calendar Photoshoot has everything.  A photographer with a blue goatee.  A naked Lucy walking a dog around the block because she’s such a free spirit, you guys.  Dog lover Kelly dressed like a bald dog.  Cardboard outfits that leave nothing to the imagination but lead to complaining.  And human fire hydrants.

The only part of the calendar shoot I did not agree with was when they put makeup on the dogs.  I know they have to look good, but come on.  Seems cruel.

Thank god that’s over.  It’s night time and we’re on top of a hotel in LA, typical.  Let’s do some drinking!  Juanny P. grabs Cassandra, 21, the other former NBA dancer for some alone time.  She’s a nervous wreck because she has something she needs to tell Juanny P.  She has a 2 year old son!  What?!  Oh, I get it, Juanny P. has a kid so we need to find other women with kids that he can relate to.  They won’t win.  Never have, never will.

In the meantime, Victoria, 24, is getting slammered.  Nikki wants to help her.  Don’t help her Nikki, let her burn.  Victoria thinks life is about “straddling things.”  I agree.  Victoria, my number is 858-220-4***.  Call me.

Victoria is out of her mind.  I’m a fan.  Going to be sad when she’s sent home in 45 minutes, or sooner. She’s in a bikini in the pool and RIPPED UP.  Of course the other girls are catty towards her.  Good for them.  She decides to aimlessly wander around, goes to the bathroom and loses her mind.  Renee, the mother of the 8 year old consoles her, because she’s acting like an 8 year old. This is really the only time I want subtitles.  I can’t understand Vicky.  She also probably hates being called Vicky.  Too bad.

Slammered Vicky wants to go home. After some crying and having the producers help her out a bit, she runs back into the bathroom.  I’m in love.  Juan Pablo to the rescue.  Vicky’s not having any of it. “No. No.” as she crouches in what I’m sure is a clean bathroom stall.  Get it together, girl.  Juanny P. leaves to go give the girls the old ‘I’ve been there’ pep talk.  Bo-ring, like this recap. Rose time – Dog Lover Kelly gets it.

It’s the next morning, and hot damn Nikki in a bikini.  ‘Sup, girl.  JP goes to visit Vicky.  She apologizes.  The girls feel sorry for Juanny P. because of the Vicky situation.  Don’t cry for Juanny P., Venezuela!  He’ll be fine.  He sends Vicky home. I’m bummed that the house is less cray.  Alas, she’s not gonna be a mom to a 4 year old.  But she will be more famous, so there’s that.  Although, at last look she only has 750 Twitter followers.  So, maybe not.

Before we get to the cocktail party we get an M&M’s commercial with Juanny P. and one of those talking M&M’s .  Lame.  Mars wants us to use the hashtag #ManCandyMonday on twitter.  I’m never having an M&M again.

Cocktail Party Time

Juanny P.  lets the ladies know that Vicky is gone baby, gone.  All the girls nod in approval because they’re heartless and more ‘deserving’.  One of my favorite things these women say is that they 'deserve' this.  "I'm 24, pretty, and can't find a man. Woe is me."  I think Justin Timberlake wrote a song about these women, it's called 'Cry Me A River'.  And look at Britney now.  She turned out just fine.  Very stable.

Juanny P.  picks Amy, pretty news reporter whose favorite show is Big Bang Theory,  out of the sea of vile temptresses for some alone time.  She failed to get one of the earlier dates, so she decides to take this opportunity to make an audition tape.  Juanny P. is unimpressed.

Now it’s Sharleen’s turn for alone time.  She got the 1^st rose last week and was kind of rude about it.  Just an absolute Ice Queen.  She brings it up, apologizes to Juanny P., he brushes it off.

21 year old Cassandra misses her son, and her childhood.  So for some reason she thinks this is the time to bring out pics of him and look through them.  What the hell is going on?   Renee consoles her.  Knock it off Renee!  We get it!  You’re a mom, too.  You like to take care of people.

Juanny P. comes upstairs, hoping for a threesome with the 2 moms. He knows they’ve both had sex at least once.  Get your head out of the gutter, Juanny P.!  Cassandra starts to feel better so Juanny P. gives her a fist bump.  She blows it up.  Man, she is too young for this show.

Rose Ceremony:

Here comes Chris Harrison. I swear he does less and less each season.  Dude is barely there.  His time to shine is the final few episodes anyway.

Roses are doled out – Cassandra, Nikki, Andi (Hot Assistant DA), Elise (1^st Grade Teacher), Sharleen the Ice Queen, Renee.  Six rosas left - Danielle (who), Lucy (Free Spirit), Allison, Chelsie, Lauren.  Ah, 1 to go!  Christy from Chicago gets it.  Back off Juanny P., she’s mine!  None of the last 6 ‘rose getters’ stand a chance.  Enjoy your 15 minutes, ladies.

Girls who get bounced are slammered Victoria, Amy the news reporter, and Chantel, the only, ahem, really tan girl in the house.

Hey look, credits!  The credits involved Kelly with her dog.  Man, she sure does love dogs.  A lot.  Red flag.

See ya next week.  Now, get back to work!