Bachelor Wedding: Groan Sexy

I guess if I’m gonna do this blog I might as well go all the way and do it all.  That includes the wedding of Season 17 Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici.  Let’s begin. 

Sean and Catherine are the 4^th Bachelor/ette couple to get married out of 26 (17 Bachelor seasons, 9 Bachelorette).  They’re getting married in Santa Barbara at the Four Season Biltmore.  Rooms run about $395 and up.  Looks lovely.  I won’t be staying there.

Road Trip to Dallas

4 months before they get married they take a road trip.  This looks painful.  Cat says they are so “fun and kooky.”  If the meaning of “fun and kooky” is “let’s take selfies all the time,” then yes, you are “fun and kooky."  Will a cop please pull them over?

The two of them have been living separately this entire time.  Respect.  That can't be easy.  Cat is staying with a hot friend of Sean’s while he lives in his apt. a few blocks away. 

The best part of the show is the Picture-in-Picture shots of the bed that we are to believe Sean and Catherine will be “doing it” on.  They call it the Honeymoon suite cam.  It is shown EVERY time sex is discussed.  Gross.

Catherine is super clingy.

Back in Dallas… Sean says his family treats her like family.  I hope so, cause if they don't... Awwkwaaarrd.  Sean’s mom is a hottie and his dad, Jay, is kind of awesome.  He’s a pastor that Sean asks to officiate the wedding.  That’s nice of Sean.  He can officiate mine if that ever happens.  Jay needs his own show.

PIP – Andy Dick talking to Sean’s dad.  It’s not a Bachelor Wedding if Andy Dick isn’t there.

Catherine’s laugh is an acquired taste.

Wedding Planning

We’re getting closer to the wedding.  I promise.  But for now we’re meeting with the wedding planner, Jennifer Lopez, 76 days before the wedding.  Is that normal?  Seems like a short amount of time.  This is where we get our first taste of ‘grown sexy’.  Catherine’s definition of ‘grown sexy’ is “Sophisticated with an air of sexy.”  Grown sexy is Catherine’s way of telling herself that she wants to be an adult.  She’s 27.  Cat, you’re an adult.  K.

The wedding planner to the stars, AKA JLo, asks her about their sex life. 

PIP – Honeymoon suite cam.  This time with the bed getting turndown service from the maid.  Gross.

Chris Harrison leads us into commercial by saying “For Sean, it’s all about the wedding night.”  Also, gross.

Wedding Dress Shopping

More ‘grown sexy’ talk.  Getting real sick of this.

Cat tries on dresses.  Crista, her maid of honor loves Cat’s silhouette in one of them.  Crista, I have $500 for you if you can spell silhouette.  S-I-L-L-O-W-E-T.

Catherine has “fallen in love” with multiple dresses.  That must be in the bachelor scripts.

Do you want to know what Sean was doing while Cat was trying on wedding dresses?  Of course you do!  He was shopping for lingerie.  Ooh-la-la.

Sean enters the lingerie store with burlesque music playing in the background.

PIP – Back to the Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

The sales woman wants to know Cat’s size so she can help poor Sean.  “Uh, she’s a chesty woman.” 

“Don’t be afraid to touch things.” Says the saleswoman.  There’s a lot of giggling.  Get it together Sean, you’ve had sex before.  Remember!  'Born again' does not mean 'never has'.  In fact, it means 'used to do'.

That above link may be good enough for a recap.  I don’t know how much longer I can go here.  I’ll do my best.

Guests are arriving.  Can you feel it?  Everlasting love.

More sex talk.  According to Chris Harrison the whole nation has been talking about it.  I know, we can't stop talking about it!

Sean and Cat go mess around with cakes.  This is stupid, too. Gotta kill time somehow.  The cake they design looks like something my 2 year old niece would make.  It's not their wedding cake, this is.  That's a lot of brown.

PIP – Des and Chris.  Where’s her brother?

Time to show her the gifts, Sean.  Giggle, giggle.  Uncontrollable giggling.  Lingerie is “fancy icing for my body,” says Catherine.  Gun emoticon.

More grown sexy talk.  Oh, god.  Make it stop.  Oh, I can?  Ok, I’ll check out the Grammy’s.  Oh no, it’s Taylor Swift, and what the hell is on Pharrell’s head?  Is that a popover?  Does he have forest fires to put out after the show?  Fine, back to the wedding.

We’re a month away and now we’re flower shopping at Mark’s Garden owned by Mark and Mindy.  Yeah, Mark and Mindy. I know.  Nanu, nanu.  Mark and Mindy do such a great job finding ‘grown sexy’ flowers.  I’m beginning to think it’s more like ‘groan sexy’.  Fun fact:  Mark and Mindy did flowers for Jessica Simpson’s wedding.  I don’t know which one, but I do know that she and Nick Lachey married 11 years ago today.  The more you know.

Let’s see, what else?  What else?   This guy does her hair.  Jose Bear.  He's a cowboy, or something like that.  I wish I knew how to quit you!

Catherine has a 'groan sexy' boudoir photo shoot “for Sean’s eyes only.”  Which, by the way, is the new bond movie. 

PIP – Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

Chris Harrison Chat

Cat says that she’s a barnacle because she’s always attached to him.  Told you she was clingy.  I hope she has some friends.

Chris asks if the ‘Virgin Bachelor’ talk has taken it’s toll.  He's got 99 problems but ''Virgin Bachelor' talk ain't one.  You know why, because you've had sex.  Poser. 

PIP– Yup, Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

More awkward sex talk…

Wedding

Finally, it’s wedding time.

Neil Lane is sitting 5^th row, aisle.  Nice seats, Neil!

The bridesmaids have some very nice pink dresses while the groomsmen wear black tuxedos.  Lookin’ good, everyone.  Neil!  Get off your phone!

Catherine walks down the aisle by herself to a couple of cellists, who go by '2Cellos', playing Michael Jackson’s ‘Human Nature’.  I like that song.  It kind of makes sense.  Why?  Why?

Sean is losing it.  He's sweet.

Oh, hey Cat's mom and dad.  They meet her at the end of the walk down the aisle.  1^st time we’ve seen her dad. 

Catherine is heaving.  Sean is right, she is chesty.

Sean’s dad is nailing it.  Great job, Jay!

We go to commercial and come back to Chris Harrison catching us up to speed.  I can only imagine that they went through some of the more religious aspects of the Catholic Wedding they are having.  Can’t have too much religion, ABC.  I’m surprised they didn’t have this wedding in a Church.  Sean is Catholic and Catherine recently got baptized.  That's true love, y'all.

Vows

Catherine – Love sprinkles... Explosions of love…  Tonight they get to become one…  Not bad, Cat.  Not bad.

Sean – Wants more giggle… It doesn’t matter how you meet your partner.  It matters that you met them…

Married!!!

Rings exchanged.

Yada, yada, yada… You may kiss the bride!  Yay!  Surprised they didn’t cut to the Honeymoon suite cam.

Credits

Honeymoon suite with Porn music playing.  Good lord.  Out go the lights with owl and train noises.  Classic. Is that a rodent?  Horse whinnies?  What is going on?  Okay. Okay.  I hope there's never another Bachelor Wedding.

See you in Seoul Korea tomorrow night!