Reading time: 10 minutes.
How was your Super Bowl weekend? Mine was great. Taking the Seahawks to win at +120 will make
for a good day. Sportz!
If you read a Bachelor blog this week that begins with “Good Morning
Vietnam!” please send them anthrax in the mail.
They deserve it.
We are leaving Korea for Vietnam. What an awful vacation. Then again, unlike Clare, I’ve
been out of Sacramento. Did you know there were 47000+ US deaths in the Vietnam War? What's 12 more?
We are down to 11 contestants. Tonight we have 2 Juan-on-One dates and 1
Group date that someone is guaranteed to complain about. Let the awkward kissing begin!
| Aayyyy! |
Hello, Juanny P.! Juanny P. lets us in on a secret. He's never been to Vietnam. This guy. He's strolling down a beautiful brown river in a fun little boat. Vietnam looks, well, like Vietnam. Thumbs up, buddy.
Hello, ladies! Man, we need to stop sending these women to foreign
countries. They are probably the worst
ambassadors we can have from America.
No wonder the rest of the world hates us.
| I'm King of Vietnam! |
Kat, in a fedora (I feel this is important), is doing the
Titanic “King of the world” move off the balcony of the kick-ass suite they are staying in. Dammit, Hollywood.
Juan-on-One goes to Renee.
“Are we the right fit?”
Renee’s says her hands hurt when she likes a guy. I’ll let this one slide for now, Renee. But don't let it happen again.
Mention how you have a kid and he has a kid one more time. I dare you.
Andi, stop being jealous.
You don’t care that much anyway.
Date 1: Juan-on-One w/ Renee
The two of them are in beautiful Hoi An and Renee really wants that kiss. Keep it in your pants, Renee.
Juanny P. commandeers a pedicab and takes Renee for a ride. How much Dong does she
own you, Juanny P.? Seriously, Dong. This blog is not only funny, it's informative!
He, ABC, is gonna buy her a dress. "This is amazing." says, Renee. "Best date ever." Poor Renee.
She doesn’t get out the house much.
Kids are the worst.
It’s crazy hot in 'Nam. They're sweating all over the place. Juanny P. went across the street and got Renee a fan.
Color her impressed. It's the little things. Right?
| Smile, camera crew! |
The two of them take some selfies and have more kid talk. Hey, do you
guys have anything in common other than having kids? Juanny P. is Daddy Warbucks all of a sudden. Buying shitty rice picking hats for everyone. Renee wants a kiss soooooo bad. Drink more.
Juanny P's favorite part of today is that it’s still today. His conversation skills are unparalleled .
Night time - Juanny P. can't wait to see Renee in her specially made dress. He's starting to creep me out. They meet and walk to a deserted restaurant that was bought out for the night. Juanny P. thinks of everything! He's so generous.
Renee says she genuinely likes him and has butterflies. She’s an idiot. Juanny P. wants to know about Ben’s dad. Good question, Juanny P. Always do the background check.
Juanny P. goes out on a limb and says he thinks there could be something here. You don't say, Juanny P.? Well, I think I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. At this point I can't really blame anything on a language barrier. Dude was born in Ithica, NY, went to college in Rochester, NY and has lived in Miami for a few years. Juanny P. knows what he's saying. He's a playa.
Renee gets la rosa! Cheek kiss. Renee is happy, but no lip kiss yet. She’s really horned up. Mommy want Juanny! They make a wish and put a lotus lantern in the water. Renee wished to have never come to Vietnam,
because it’s Vietnam.
| Andi Manning |
Juanny P. wants to kiss her, but he knows she has a son. Again, I can’t say this enough. No contestants with Children should ever be
on this show. Stop, Bachelor. Stop.
Meanwhile, back at the girls' suite.... Group date card. “Can you go with the flow?” Everyone except Nikki. She'll get the other Juan-on-One. Andi has 'Peyton Manning face' and if there are girls who don’t hate Nikki yet, they do now. Meow!
Date 2: Group Date
The 10 of them split into 5 groups of 2 and go out on these bamboo circle boats in what looks like raw sewage.
The girls have to pick partners.
Clare didn’t get a partner because the other girls don't like her, so Juanny P. gets paired with Clare.
Clare really plays the damsel in distress card well. She’s, um, what's a nice word for 'flirtatious tramp'? They get stuck and he shoves his tongue down
her throat. Some of the girls see it. Andi is confused.
Back at the suite…. Nikki and Renee are talking about who cares what. Nikki is rocking a headband from the Keith Richards collection.
YES!!! Juanny P. and the girls get rice picking hats and they go
pick their own food for lunch. It's not exactly like going out in the fields to work a 14 hour shift while make extremely diminished wages, but it's close enough for me to get a little excited.
Andi is still bitching.
Chill, Andi. I do like that she
brings up to Juanny P. what is bothering her in a way that isn’t condescending or
over-aggressive. "She's too smart for him," I tell myself only to probably be proven wrong because of Juanny P's hunkiness.
Conversation at the lunch table is mostly the girls tying to
subtly tell Juanny P. that he spent too much time with Clare. Clare don’t care. She’s sucking down pea pods like they're popsicles. Subtle, Clare. Real subtle.
Night time = Cocktail time!
Alli speaks!! Juanny P. grabs Clare 1st to go have some Juan-on-One
time. Bitches be jel.
Dog Lover Kelly thinks they should take the Rose out to them and give
it to Clare. Kelly is just there for comedic relief at this point.
| Marco.... Polo..... |
Juanny P. tells Clare that he wants to find a woman who is smart, mature, and will love Camila. He's on autopilot. Now that my bullshit Q&A session is out of the way why don't you come back to my suite? What?! It’s bikini time in his pool. Kissy-kissy time. What’s going on under the water there, fella? Geezus, man. Just do her already.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel… Date card for Nikki. “Let’s have a hell of a good time.” It’s something with fire, Nikki thinks. Stop thinking, Nikki.
Juanny P. is out of the pool. How did he get so dry so fast? Time for Sharleen the Ice Queen to get some Juan-on-One action. She wants to be a “panda in a room full of brown bears.” I think the brown bears would probably kill the panda. Just a thought before anyone else goes out and tries to use that analogy. She probably got that saying from her mother. Juanny P. is trying to crack her hard outer shell. Kissy-kissy on the beach. She pulls away a little, again. She still has reservations. Girl, you ain’t gonna win that way. Be aggressive, c'mon!
Andi is still moaning about having doubts. I need to be told I’m good enough! Off to the beach with Andi and some make out time in the sand. Kissy-kissy. I haven’t seen anyone kiss this much since 1972 when I was back in 'Nam. Let's put that kiss on the boarrrrd. Yes!!
We have a rose that needs to be given out. One of these days The Bachelor should do the opposite and tell one of the girls to take a hike at the end of the large group date. Same difference. La rosa goes to Clare. Slut. The girls want to hate Juanny P. soooo bad, but they can't, because TV.
Everyone is back at the suite and Andi is bent out of
shape. Go to sleep Andi. Clare is overwhelmed. Clare goes off to ‘bed’. 'Bed' = time to go to Juanny P's suite. Juanny P. should have never showed her his
place. It’s 4am. She wants to say thank you. Oh, yeah. How do you want to say 'thank you'? Clare, “Do you want to go in the ocean?” "Sure", says Juanny P. I mean, he wants her to feel comfortable.
They are in the water with waves hitting them. Are there any sharks in Vietnam? Charlie don’t surf, but Charlie does vertical mambo. Ah, salt water in crevices. That's gotta sting. Clare is “letting go of all her fear and letting
herself be vulnerable.” Juanny P. is on
board. I’m sure he is. She’s making it sound like they did the
s-e-x. She compares herself to a baby
giraffe with shaky legs. Gross. She loves Vietnam and wants to
be ‘beyond Vietnam’. They totes did it.
Date 3: Juan-on-One w/ Nikki
Nikki is rocking a sweet fishtail with a headband. I dig it. Juanny P. still has Clare on his mind but he can't wait to see Nikki. Bring your A-game, Nikki.
Let’s sit on these steps and talk about how things are
going. Juanny P. tucks her hair behind her
ear. He’s a weirdo. Too much face touching. I know where those hands have been.
As they venture into Marble Mountain. Holy Shit!
Out of the bushes come a bunch of Vietnamese. They’re opening fire!! A boy can dream, can't he?
They have to rappel down a cliff. Jackpot, Nikki! You get a fear date! She’s scared because she’s an idiot. No one is dying here, Nikki. Juanny P. thinks she’s smart, but I’m starting to have my doubts. Off they go. Man this is some suspenseful music. Did I just hear Jethro Tull? She can’t stop shaking. Ugh, the worst. Juanny P. went first so he can touch her ass as he helps her come down after him. Step into the trust tree, Nikki. “This looks easier in the movies.” says, Nikki. This is basically a movie, Nikki. You know who dies in the movies? No one. GO! You’re wasting my time.
| I got you, Nikki. |
Rappel kissy-kissy while hanging in the air.
It gives her the courage to keep going. Good for you, Nikki.
Someone mace me, please. They
made it to the bottom of the cave! Juanny P. is
proud. More kissy-kissy. Still gotta go back up, ya dingus.
Night time. They are
out of the hole. How did they get
out? You know what? Forget I asked. Thanks for not wasting my time like you did
with the last segment.
More face and hair touching from Juanny P. A little awkward flirting. Some awful
conversation. Nikki loves herself. She is confident. Why is she a pediatric nurse, asks Juan? I bet it’s because she likes kids. The kids help her too. She actually does care. This doesn’t sound like a stupid “I love kids
because Juanny P. has a kid” answer. However,
she does have answers down as if she’s been practicing for certain questions like she's Miss Missouri.
“The fact that Juanny P. wants to hear about my work is amazing.” says Nikki. Uhhh, do you want to have a relationship with a person or not? Nikki gets la rosa. Juanny P. gave her the Juan-on-One because he wanted to get to know her more. I swear to God. Kissy-kissy. She’s falling for him. Of course she is. She feels like she "stuck her finger in the light socket.” I wonder what JP would stick his finger in.
Cocktail Party
The girls arrive by boat to a what looks like a secluded mini resort ABC rented out.
They cruise up to a dock. There
are paper lanterns everywhere! Hundreds. I can’t believe Juanny P. did this! It’s so amazing! He literally thinks of everything! Total dream man.
There is tension in the air. Juanny P. lets them know that 3 girls are leaving tonight.
Let’s be aggressive tonight ladies. Be aggressive, B-E aggressive. B-E A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E.
Clare makes a toast. Something about making friends and making love. Subtle, Clare. Subtle. She would be fun for about 2 weeks, then it would get weird. Something is off.
Juanny P. grabs Andi.
Andi is nervous and flirty. She
wants him to speak Spanish. "Un besito." He's begging. Kissy-kissy.
Renee gets some Juan-on-One time. Juanny P. thinks that Renee’s kid would be pissed at
him if he kisses her. Is he stupid? The damn kid won’t be watching
this! Whatever. What the hell do I know? Kiss her and stop making excuses. Boom, kissy-kissy. Between being in Vietnam and all the spit
being swapped I would go get Hepatitis shots ASAP.
Clare says it’s not about being fair. She’s right.
Now he’s using the kid as an excuse that he shouldn’t have done what he
did with Clare because she’ll see it. His daughter is 4. She is fucking FOUR! You know who shouldn't be watching this show? A damn
4 year old! Clare is crying and I'm pissed! Nice
job, Juanny P. I think we already knew
this two weeks ago, but he’s kind of a jackass. More face
touching. She’s confused.
| Should never have given it up, girl. |
Clare and Juanny P. come back from their shitty Juan-on-One time. Pretty apparent that she’s been crying. Clare’s feelings have been hurt. Still distraught, she leaves to go to the
bathroom. More crying. Then she leaves to go off by herself and Juanny P. goes
to find her. “Tell me what’s wrong” says
Juanny P. This fucking guy. She kind of wants to leave. But, television. It's so shiny. Sometimes there are tough decisions you might have to make, ladies. Like, 'Is the guy that big of a douche that I need to leave?'
Juanny P. already got from her what he wanted. Now he wants her to ‘delete’ the comments he
made. “It was sweet that she wanted to thank me for the day.” Like he had no choice. He’s archaic.
He heads back to the ladies, sans Clare. It's weird now. Here comes Clare. “My allergies
are awful.” Good one, Clare. They totally bought it. All eyes on Clare, just like Tupac.
Chris Harrison comes in to save Juanny P.
If I’m one of these ladies I want out. I'll take the win and and maybe deal with him for a month
or so, but I’m cutting rope at some point. They’re better off without this clown.
Hello, Chris. “Tonight
the mood has changed.” If you don’t get
a rose, you get to leave Vietnam and go back to the US. Promise?! <Fingers crossed> Don’t pick me. Don't pick me. Don't pick me.
Juanny P. has some hard decisions to make.
Rose Ceremony
Nikki, Clare, and Renee all have rosas.
The first rosa goes to Sharleen. She accepts!
Yay! Cassandra, rosa for you. Chelsie.
Kat. Una rosa left. Andi. Duh. See ya later Alli, Danielle, and Kelly. No real surprises here. Dog Lover Kelly will be missed. Hugs for everyone! You guys are gonna be friends forever. I just know it.
Juanny P. feels sad. I doubt
it’s because he sent those girls home.
He’s still thinking about other things.
Probably his 4 year old daughter he somehow disappointed. He’s crying. He's super hormonal, you guys.
Tears from Alli. Hey, TV time for Alli! Good for you.
Next week we are off to New Zealand!
Credits
The girls ride Water Buffaloes.
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