Meet The Focker. S18, Ep8

We have separated the girls from each other, :( , and it’s time for Juanny P. to have awkward conversations with the parents.  I love the parents.  They don’t hold back any punches, always telling you how it is.  It also gives us a chance to see what the ladies look like 30 years from now.

Nikki’s Hometown: Kansas City, MO

Open to Cows.  We must be in Kansas City.  Thank God we are on the Missouri side, not the Kansas side.  That would have been a disaster!

How are they not at hanging out at The Plaza?  They are at Union Station, essentially the downtown area.  Meh.  Face touching.  Kissy-kissy.

Holy shit!  Now we’re onto something.  The pair head to Oklahoma Joe’s to grab some BBQ.  It’s the best.  The place is always packed so they don’t need to worry about a ‘Bachelor Bump.’  Ok Joe’s is situated in a gas station.  They better get some burnt ends.  Juanny P. says he doesn’t know what BBQ is.  No way!  He can’t keep playing dumb, or is he?  Going to OK Joe’s is the best thing they’ve done this season.

The two lovebirds then head to an empty bar to ride a mechanical bull.   Let’s get some drinks in ya then go on the bull.  None of this sober riding bullshit.  Nikki thinks it’s ‘hot’ watching him on the bull.  He falls, she claps.  She thinks he’s a cowboy now.  Pssst... He's not a cowboy.

“What are you thinking?” asks, Juanny P.  He asks that A LOT.  Nikki wants to tell him that she loves him.  Don’t do it!  It’s not the right time, Nikki!  Now they’re riding the bull together and fall off.   Oh, the gyrations.  The bull wasn’t even going that fast, you guys.  They finish the hometown date with a beer.  That better be Boulevard.  Kissy-kissy.

At Nikki’s house.

Nikki's Mom

Nice digs, Ferrell’s.  We meet Nikki’s mom, dad, two younger bros and a sis-in-law.  Typical Midwest family.  They seem really nice.

Nikki tells her mom, “I would say I’m in love with him.”  Oh no, Nikki.

Nikki’s Dad vs. Juanny P.  Juanny P. tells him that he trusts her honesty.  Dad asks Juanny P. to not propose to Nikki.  Smart dad.  He trusts Nikki to make her own decisions, though. 

Dad asks Nikki, “How would it be if you were a step-mom?”  Her parents seem pretty awesome.  Based on that I’m willing to bet she’d be a good mom.  Maybe not for Camila, but for her own kids. So get off Nikki’s back, everyone!

The worst

She reiterates that she’s in love with him.  She doesn’t tell him, though.  Kissy-kissy on the front porch.

Say adios, Juanny P.  You’ve got 3 other girls to make out with.

Next!

Commercial – Fuck you M&M’s!

Andi’s Hometown:  Hotlanta, GA

Ombre

Andi looks like she had her hair did.  I still don’t mind the ombre.  They meet up in a park, Andi is giddy and can’t wait to see him.  Kissy-kissy.

Andi then says something only boring people say.  “You’ve made me do some crazy things like play soccer, dancing, and karaoke.”  She then says that it’s her turn to pick a crazy activity to do.  Off to the gun range!  Going to the gun range, also not crazy.

#TrueDetectiveSeason2

Andi is a decent shot.  Don’t mess with her, Juanny P.

Juanny P. can’t even hit the target, like the whole target.  Editing?

Geez, enough with the PDA.  The shooting range attendants must want to kill them.  I can see the headline now. “Local shooting range attendant kills Bachelor.  Sales rise at local shooting range.”

2 bullets ought to do the trick. Better make it 6 just in case.

Awww

Welcome Home, Pookie!

We meet Nikki’s Mom, Dad, Sister, who lives in SD, and her husband.  I see a folded up flag on an armoire.  Dad must have been in the military.  So that’s where Andi gets her gun skills from.

I hate this!

Dad, Hy, is learning about how The Bachelor works and is not amused with the process.  Wait, you’re telling me THIS guy doesn’t watch The Bachelor?

Hy is “still worried.”  He’s the best.  He and Andi’s mom have been married for 30 years. Engaged after 6 months and married soon after.  Andi thinks that if it can happen to them it can happen to her and Juanny P.  I used this line about my parents when asked if I believed I could find my wife on The Bachelor when I tried out for The Bachelor a few years ago.
Doesn't always work.

Andi's Mom

Andi tells her mom that she did some dancing while on vacation.  Prove it!  So Andi and Juanny P. go dance, sway, in the living room.  CRAZY!!!! Andi needs to loosen up.  Juanny P. and Andi’s mom dance a bit.  Why did I just type this paragraph?

Dad and Juanny P. have a chat.  Juanny P., “Will you accept me into your family if I propose to Andi?”  Dad thinks he’s insane.  Hy wants Juanny P. to reverse roles for a minute.  Sorry, Pops.  He’s already done this.

 

Sissy talk.  “He’s hot.”  We are 2 for 2 tonight with “he’s hot” being the reason the girls are in “love” with Juanny P.  It’s like they’re back in high school.  Got anything else you like about him, Andi?

Dad is coming down on Andi.  Wonder how he’s gonna feel when she’s The Bachelorette?

Andi “is close to being in love with him.”  Oh boy.

Kissy-kissy.  Next!

Renee Hometown:  Sarasota, FL.  Gross.

Let’s meet Ben, Renee’s 8 year old son.  I think she gets bounced this week.  You got a kid, you gotta go!

Renee hit the tanning bed over the last two days.  The two meet up at Ben's little league game.  Here comes Ben.  He’s a sweet kid.  Renee says this is the longest time she’s been away from Ben.  Renee, a thought, never leave your kid to go on The Bachelor!  “Sorry, sweetie.  Mommy has to go travel the world with a hot Venezualan pool boy.”

Renee's Mom, like it says in the picture

They watch Ben pitch in his little league game.  Kid’s got some game.  I wish I was 8 years old again.

We meet Renee’s Mom, Dad, and Brother

Renee’s mom is kind of rubbing in all the stuff that Ben is doing that Renee doesn’t know about because she hasn’t been around.  Good thing Renee is “Doing this for Ben.”

“Mommy, what are these cameras doing in my bedroom?”



Mom, “We can love our pets, but you need to be in love with the man you’re with.”  Women with dogs, take note.  Renee tells her mom she's in love with Juanny P.  This isn’t going to end well.

Dad thinks Juanny P. is a good guy.  Renee, “He’s always been right.”

Kissy-kissy in the front yard.  Juanny P. asks AGAIN, “What are you thinking?”  Geezus, man!  You wouldn’t understand anyway.

She wanted to tell him that she loves him, but didn’t.  She’s kicking herself over it in the post interview sesh.

Adios, Renee.  Next!

Clare Hometown:  Sacramento, CA.  Gross.

Give us your bread!

They meet in a rose garden, Mckinley Park.  Kissy-kissy.  Gross.

She’s so annoying.  He can’t wait to see “why you are the way you are.” 

More dead Dad talk.  Enough!!  Wanna know why she’s the way she is, Juanny P.  That’s why.  I want to know why are you doing this to us, Bachelor?  Why?! 

Clare is essentially a 13 year old.  Her dad probably told her that she was a princess when she was younger and she takes that literally to the extreme.

They feed the ducks.  Attack, ducks!  Attack!

Commercial – Mixology commercial for the umpteenth time tonight.  Not watching, ABC.

Which one is not like the other?

We meet Clare’s Mom, 4 of her sisters and one bro in law.  1 sister is missing.

Is Clare adopted?  She looks nothing like the rest of her family.  They must harbor some really weird feelings toward Clare.  Fake teeth and on a reality show.  They have to think that she hates the family. Clare, “When was the last time I brought a guy home to meet the family.”  Clare’s totally embarrassed by her family.

She values the opinion of Madeline (top left), her sis who has been married for 20 years.  They talk.  They cry.  Clare is the youngest.  Madeline wants someone to take care of her ‘tender heart.’ The way the family talks about Clare it's obvious she's got some issues.

Juanny P. is now telling the sisters how a relationship works.  “At first I was physically attracted to Clare.  Then I got to know her.”  Tell me more, Patti Stanger.  Oh, man.  Why did I link that?  Can't unsee.

Uh-oh.  Laura or Lara, I can’t tell because of the way Clare says it, Clare’s sister who is realistic about the process is giving Clare a hard time.  More tears from Clare.  This may be the last time she steps foot in Sacramento.  “I’m famous now!  L.A. here I come!”

Mom is not saying a word while Laura insists on speaking for her.  What a weird family.  I never know if people, Laura, are like this normally or do this for the cameras.

Clare's Mom

Uh, where’s Juanny P.?  Haven't seen him all segment.  More tears.

Juanny P. wants to talk to mom.  Laura decides to join in.  Laura speaks for mom.  This is weird.  Mom must not be all there, or Laura thinks that mom isn’t all there. 

Laura decides to leave.  Mom and Juanny P. speak Spanish to each other.  Ugh, subtitles.  What the hell?  Mom is totally with it.  I think Laura just wanted some camera time.  She’s totes jel of Clare.

Kissy-kissy.  Clare would “love it” if Juanny P. proposed to her.

See you at the rose ceremony, Clare.  Wear something classy, please.

Rose Ceremony

Back in Miami.  Hey, Harrison.

B!$@#.    B!$@#.

Clare comes down first and does not disappoint.  Push ‘em up girl.  

Nikki comes in next, of course.  Now she’s rocking a fishtail!  Clare is the only one of the final 4 who hasn’t had a fishtail this season.  Just stare straight ahead, you two.

Andi arrives, then Renee.

Speech from Harrison, “One of you are going home tonight.”  Thanks for clarifying.  I was wondering why there were only 3 rosas for four contestants.

Nikki gets the first rosa.  Daggers from Clare.  Clare, come on down!  Second rosa for you.  Aaaand, since we’ve seen all the previews for Tuesday’s episode we know that Andi get’s the third rosa.  You can stop with the suspenseful music, Bachelor.

Adios, Renee.  Who is going to help guide the women through their emotional times now that the den mother is gone?

Renee, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”  Are you effing serious, Renee?!  How about the dude you had a kid with?!  No, not him?!  Ok.

Tears from both.  Juanny P. is a big time crier.

Tiny amount of limo tears.  “It sucks.  I had fallen in love with him.”  Relax, Renee.  She’s actually keeping it together pretty well considering the man she ‘loved’ just dumped her on television.  Guess that’s what happens when you get older.  A tad more perspective.  “That’s why I came here, to find love.  There’s not a lot of guys like Juan Pablo.  He’s a good guy.  I want to make someone really happy.”  Oh man, she’s serious.  I take back the 'perspective' comment.

Next week.  Oh, shit!  I mean, tonight!

Fantasy Suite time in St. Lucia!  Everyone's favorite!!!  Juanny P. sets up the best dates.  Oh, gawd.  Everyone is crying!!  What is going on?!  Too much face touching!  Shit’s getting real, yo.

Credits

This isn't weird, at all

Renee and Juanny P. sitting in chairs in the water on the beach.  Seagulls come steal the food from the picnic they have set up on the beach.  One of the seagulls drops a sandwich on Renee’s head.  Thank goodness there were cameras around to catch the hilarity. 

Let’s do it again, tonight!