Lord of the Ring. S18, Ep6

Reading time: 8 minutes

It's getting down to the nitty-gritty, you guys.  There are 8 ladies left and we're getting rid of 2 tonight.  We have left Vietnam and are headed to New Zealand!  New Zealand is known for being the filming location for Lord of the Rings, kiwis, sailing, and, um... it doesn’t matter.

We open with slut-shamer extraordinaire Juanny P. talking about finding everlasting love in the background of what might as well be a commercial for New Zealand tourism.  ABC had to have asked for some tape.  No way they filmed wild horses running across the countryside.

Kat thinks she and Juanny P. have been a “slow boil.”  Yeah, she’s on the chopping block.

Cassandra feels selfish being here.  She misses her kid.  She IS a kid.

Clare thinks New Zealand is a romantic place.  More romantic than Sacramento?

Andi is still whining about not having a Juan-on-One date.  Date card.  And she gets it!  "Let's heat things up."  The other girls are thrilled.  You can tell by the collective passive aggressive way they all say “Yay.”  I would love to watch a Bachelor blooper show of just bitchy looks and catty comments from the girls. 

Cassandra goes to Renee for some chit-chat and advice with being a single mother.  Renee might actually be her mom.  A little bit of wine and girl-talk in front of the fire leads to some happy tears about the experience.

Date 1:  Juan-on-One w/ Andi

Andi is looking good with her ombre hairstyle.   I’m normally not a huge fan of the ombre, but it’s a good change of pace.  I’m looking forward to this date to see if Juanny P. can understand words with more than 3 syllables.

I have a spare room, Andi.

Quick aside.  Andi was in San Diego this weekend visiting her sister.  No call, Andi?  A buddy of mine gave them surf lessons.  He sent me this pic.  I’m telling you, The Bachelor contestants always move down to SoCal.  Don’t fight it, Andi.  Embrace it.  I have problems.

The date starts with them cruising on a river in a speed boat with some early 90’s sports highlight music in the background.  The cruise into this cove situated in the river.  It’s bathing suit time!  Get in the water, girl.  Andi seems surprised.  Uh, you brought your bathing suit didn’t you?  It’s not always hot tubs and hands on your face.  Well, it is always hand on your face.  My bad.

Back to the date.  They slither their way in shallow water through moss covered rocks.  They are really squeezed into this tunnel.  Nowhere for you to go run and hide, Andi!  How did the camera men get through this?  Those guys never get enough credit.  They arrive in this spot where there’s a waterfall.  Let’s step under the waterfall.  Cliché.  Not gonna play any TLC, ABC?  Okay.  I would.  Kissy-kissy.  Andi says it’s the most romantic date she’s ever been on.  It’s amazing what a TV show with a decent budget can plan for dates!  She’s excited for the night.

Night time.  Juanny P. says the “squeeze” was fun with Andi.  Dinner is in front of a geyser.  Don’t all geysers smell like sulfur?  Who planned this shitty date?  I bet it was Juanny P.  Gotta take the good with the bad.

Andi is starting to like this guy.  C’mon, Andi.  You’re smarter than this.

And a geyser goes off ruining dinner.  Everything tastes like rotten eggs now.  I don’t think Juanny P’s geyser is gonna go off with Andi like it did with Clare last week.  Boom!  You just got got, Juanny P.

Andi says she's “soaking wet.”  Dammit, Andi.

Meanwhile, back at the house…  Date card!  It’s a group date.  Everyone but Clare.  Clare is pumped because she and Juanny P. can talk about why he made her cry last week.  I hope she cries again.  It’s also Cassandra’s 22^nd birthday tomorrow and she has to go on a group date.  Waaaahh!  She’s probably hoping there’s a Chuckie Cheese in New Zealand.  I read somewhere that she likes the ball pit at Chuckie Cheese.

Andi and Juanny P. are just checking out the geysers and holding each other.  Zzzzzz…  Boring small talk about finding that “great love.”  She references a line Juanny P. said in an earlier episode about “smiling so much that your cheeks hurt.”   I don’t think he remembers saying it, but for some reason I do.  Andi gets la rosa!  Kissy-kissy.  More kissy-kisssy.  Okay, enough.  Enough with the kissing!  Geez.  Andi is now tainted goods.

Date 2: Group Date

Juanny P. is standing in a field and the girls roll up.  Picnic time in a field.  Cassandra is already talking about her birthday.  Girls and their birthdays, I swear.  Chelsie decides to steal Juanny P. away to go look at cows or something.  Whatever, she’ll be gone in an hour.

Congratulations! It's a girl!

The group then cruises down the hillside to go see what the activity for the date is.  It’s rolling down hills in an OGO ball.  An Ogo is basically a room inside a giant ball with water in it that rolls down a hill.  It looks a lot like childbirth when they get out of the ball.  They just slide right out.  I want to go do this sometime.  Seems like a pretty sweet time.  Juanny P steals un besito from Nikki in one of the ball-wombs.

Night time.  They go to Hobbiton, where parts of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were filmed. Apparently, Sharleen is a huge Lord of the Rings fan.  She's stoked.  New Zealand must be really boring. Pretty, but boring. Cassandra brings up her birthday again.  More awkward conversation.  He’s not really good at talking.  Thank goodness for that ass.  Have mercy.

Juanny P. grabs Renee for a little walk.  He takes a lantern with them because the camera crew’s lights aren’t bright enough.  Really?  Orks better come running through here sometime soon to energize this show. Kid talk.  Kissy-kissy.  Kill me.  They take another selfie.  What is up with these two and taking selfies? 

Nikki gets a little Juan-on-One time.  She’s out to get a husband.  Here comes Nikki, you guys!  Nikki, “I’m falling for you.”  Drink!! Nikki wants to leave with no regrets.  Kissy-kissy.  Really racking up those kisses tonight, Juanny P.

The other girls are back in one of the Hobbit houses talking about the meaning of the rose on this group date.  Things are getting kicked up a notch!  They all agree that there are some feelings happening if you get this rose. 

Sharleen gets a little Juan-on-One time.  He goes in for the kiss IMMEDIATELY.  Sharleen pulls back!  Says, “You really cut to the chase.”  He doesn’t know what it means.  There is no way he doesn’t.  This has to be an act.  Some awkward kissy-kissy again!  Then Sharleen, god bless her, becomes self-aware and pulls out of the lip-lock thinking that this is crazy.  She wants to get know more about Juanny P. but inevitably learns nothing other than he likes to kiss her.  Juanny P. is talking to her and touching her face some more.  His face touching is out of control.  More kissy-kissy.  I like Sharleen.  She's too aware of this show being a joke.

Dr. Juanny P., ENT.

Back at the Hobbit house, Cassandra makes a wish when she blows out her cupcake candle.  She wished she was in the ball pit at a Chuckie Cheese.  Sadly, the wish didn’t come true.

Cassandra wants to get that birthday rose.  Juan-on-One time with Cassandra.  She was 10 when Lord of the Rings came out.  TEN!  She loves Hobbiton.  Juan seems wiped out.  He’s putting her hair behind her ear.  I mean, at what point does all this face touching become a problem?

Someone has to get la rosa tonight.  Juanny P. thinks he’s going to have a 'happy ending.'  I think he thinks Lord of the Rings is a Disney movie.  If only there was a Prince Gollum.  Sharleen gets la rosa.  Bit of a stunner.   

He grabs Cassandra to go outside while the girls stare at the walls.  It starts to rain as Cassandra and Juanny P. sit under a tree for an awkward conversation.  This isn’t going to end well, Cassandra.  Juanny P. sets it up the breakup, Ha!, with a bunch of compliments.  I know this move, pal.  “I don’t want you to be away from your son anymore.  We aren’t in the same place in life.”  It’s hard for 30 year olds to get to the same place as 21-22 year olds.  Not that I would know.

Umbrella-dome

Bye-bye, Cassandra.  Happy Birthday! 

Nice umbrella, Juanny P.

Tears from Cassandra.  “I want love so bad.”  She’s been “waiting for so long.”  I know, kiddo.  Life is hard at 22.

Cue the ‘Sad Music Montage.’  The girls see that he’s alone.  He tells the girls he didn’t see a future with Cassandra.  Man, this music.  It might as well be Elliot Smith or that shitty ‘Say Something I’m Giving Up on You’ song.

Back at Juanny P’s house.  Awwww, baby sheep.  Facetime with the 4 year old daughter.  This is when The Bachelor starts to have a lot of filler.  Not as many girls around to make things interesting.

Date 3:  Juan-on-One w/ Clare

It’s picnic time with Clare.  She wants an apology, or at least wouldn’t turn one down.  We’ll see if he does that right after he touches her face and puts her hair behind her ears.  He doesn’t fully apologize.  He kind of bounces around the subject saying that he didn’t want to hurt her.  This is stupid.  He tells her that he didn’t want to make her sad last week when she showed up at his suite to go swim in the ocean.  Clare is confused and wants to know where the line is.

“Did we do anything inappropriate?” asks, Clare.  Juanny P., “It didn’t feel right to me.”  “Just don’t make me sad.”  Kissy-kissy.  Clare asks if that “was their first fight?”  More kissy-kissy.  She is buh-ru-tal!

This needs to end soon.  Ugh, 45 more minutes.  Let’s just get rid of Chelsie and call it a night.

Night time.  More hair touching.  Hold on, isn't Clare a hairstylist?  Looks like the roots need a bit of a touch-up. 

Couch talk.  She says that if in the future there is more conflict that she would bolt.  Juanny P. doesn’t know what ‘bolt’ means.  She’s not really listening to what he’s saying.  She’s hearing the wrong thing.  She still thinks that he acted like a man and apologized to her during the day.  She’s really tan, too.  There must be a tanning booth in the Shire.  She doesn’t want to bolt now.  He says, “I like listening to you.”  Juanny P., no one likes listening to Clare.  Don’t lie.

Let’s get comfy.  He comes back with some sweats for her.  What?  They are a little big, kind of like Hammer-pants.  Uh, yeah, sweats leads to sex.  It’s a proven fact.  Clare and him are very touchy feely.  La rosa por Clare.  Kissy-kissy.  A little dancing to the song that guy with the Russian last name sung from their first Juan-on-One date.  Clare asks, "Did you really remember I like this song?"  There's no way in hell he did.  Say thank you to the producers, Juanny P.   More kissy-kissy.

Pre-Cocktail Party

We pan a table that has framed pictures of the women’s headshots for the show.  Always good for a laugh.

Oh, hey Chris.  Let’s have a chat.  Harrison reminds Juanny P. there are only going to be six women left after tonight.  Harrison is here to stoke the fire.  Juanny P. is positive.

 “Why did you let Cassandra go?”  He wasn’t feeling it.  Harrison asking some real pressing questions.  Ask him if he had sex last week, Harrison.  Juanny P. sees himself getting down on one knee.  You know, because 6 weeks on a game show is all it takes to find “The One.”

Cocktail Party

Ladies are arriving at dusk.  Feels like a werewolf may come out and snag one of them.  Kat is worried.  Everyone is quiet.  It’s getting real.  <snicker>

Juanny P. grabs Nikki.  You bitch!  She is looking good rocking a red mini.  Flirting.  Kissy-kissy.  The girls are in the other room, you two! Nikki feels comfortable with him.  She wants this.  She’s moving to the top of the list.  I think she’s still behind Clare, but Juanny P. is interested.  Clare, this is why you don’t give out the milk for free.  I bet Juanny P. knows that expression.

Renee and Juanny P. go for a walk.  More kid talk.  These two are a snoozefest.  “There’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid.”  Juanny P. seems pretty insincere.  Maybe it’s just me.  Kissy-kissy.

The girls are noticing that things are changing.  Bunch of rocket scientists we got here.

Chelsie knows it’s her or Kat.  I say the two of them go outside and have a duel.  Nothing like a duel to get things going.

Chelsie tells Juanny P. that she is kind of frazzled.  What is this ‘frazzled?’  Of course he doesn’t know this.  Can we just move the show to Telemundo already?  Whoa, slow down Chelsie.  I can’t even understand you.  Juanny P. is just nodding.  He’s a bobblehead doll.  Chelsie really wants to stick around.  This isn’t gonna happen, kiddo.  She’s too sweet.  Cheek kiss.  See ya.

Kat has been journaling.  Cool, a 29 year old with a diary.  She’ll do anything her psychiatrist tells her.  She brings up how she’s not a guy chaser and why she’s not aggressive.   That leads to how her dad was never there for her when she was younger.   She doesn’t want her fear of disappointment to come out in this journey.  Your move Chelsie.

Man we are getting a heavy dose of commercials tonight.  There couldn’t be a better commercial that the new Muppets car commercial when they sing “We ain’t got no room for boring.  For boring we ain’t got no room.”  You know the commercial.  It’s on ALL THE TIME.  This is why people who get fired up for Super Bowl commercials are crazy.  You’re gonna see them over and over and over.  ‘You know what really grinds my gears?’  Okay, I digress.

Rose Ceremony

Chris reminds us that Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have rosas.  Thank you, Harrison.

Juanny P. still thinks his wife is in the group of girls.  Hi, you must be new here.

First rosa goes to Nikki, duh.  Next!  Renee!  Great, maybe we can get some more kid talk next week.  Una rosa left.  Kat or Chelsie?  It’s Chelsie with the mild upset.  Adios, Kat.  Your sob story wasn’t enough to warm the cold heart of Juanny P.  “Good luck,” she says.  She wants to be gone.  Tears in the limo.  She “saw herself in the end.”  She brings up the old line of how people always tell you how great you are and what a catch you are and yet still sit here single.  Guarantee one of the remaining 6 girls says this on their way out, too.

Sharleen is feeling guilty.  She'll give it another week and then if she doesn’t feel anything she’ll probably bounce.  Have I mentioned that I like Sharleen?  She gets it.

Let’s go to Miami.

Nikki vs. Clare:  Round 2

Credits

After the OGO the girls and Juanny P. had a sheep poop fight in their bathing suits.  Mostly Juanny P. throwing poop at the girls.  He’s basically 17.