Bienvenido a Miami. S18, Ep7

Welcome to Miami where the players play!  Miami, where Pitbull and Gloria Estefan run the radio waves and the only colors of clothing you can wear are pastels.

Juanny P. is cruising through his hometown.  He misses his 4 year old daughter, Camila, and he really wants to see his family.  Based on how the show is run I'm betting he hasn't seen her in about a week.  No biggie. That's what Skype is for.

Juanny P. wants it to be a surprise.  I wonder if the cameras in the house filming Camila gave away the surprise.  Probably not.

There's no way he lives in the house they show.  It's enormous.  I know, he must be the groundskeeper. Relax.  This is satire, people.

The Girls arrive to the Loews Hotel in a limo.  Andi thinks that being in his hometown makes it more real.  I know some other things that would make it more real.  Spending more than 20 actual hours with a person over a 3 week period might make it more real.  Not being a tv show might make it more real.  Et cetera, et cetera.

Man, the ladies are staying in a sick ass suite at the Loews hotel.  They think they deserve it.  They don't.

Juanny P. shows up to the girls' suite with a Date Card for Sharleen.  She thinks they have amazing chemistry but they're missing a "cerebral connection."  Whoa, Sharleen.  What did we say about saying words that are 3 syllables or more to Juanny P.?  Yeah, don't.  He'll just nod.

Date 1: Juan-on-One with Sharleen

Cheese!

The girls are being catty about Sharleen saying she shouldn't be there because she doesn't feel the connection to him like some of the other girls do.  Meanwhile, Sharleen is sucking face with Juanny P. on a yacht.  I swear, he thinks of the best dates.  Eat it, ladies.

Selfie time!  Renee is going to be jealous.  Watch your back, Sharleen.


Sharleen is just complaining now.  Chill Sharleen, you're blowing it.

All she wants to do is make out with him.  Kissy-kissy.  Face touchy.  The usual.  All her troubles disappear when she's making out with him.  She has entered the Juanny P. Zone.  I think that's a Pizza Hut menu item, too.

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Uh-oh, ocean kissing.  What's going on down there?  Sebastian the Lobster is the only one who knows. Under da Sea.

All she wants is a mental connection.  Ain't happening, kiddo.  After some more awkward conversation they make out some more.  "Why can't I stop kissing you?"  Chin touch.  Lip biting.  Gross.

He likes her 'proper speak.'  This guy.  Sharleen, "I think it can work."  She wishes she had more time with him.  I'm not sure that anyone in the history of this show has had more self-awareness than Sharleen.  She then says, "Maybe if I was a little dumber."  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  If only Juanny P. knew what the hell that meant.

Back at the suite...  Date Card!  It's for Nikki.  "Listen to my heart beat."

Chelsie hates that someone as negative as Nikki is getting all this attention.  It's the Courtney effect from season 16.  Nikki's not here to make friends.  She's here to win.

Sharleen is back at the suite and talking to 'house mom' Renee.  Of course.  Tears.  Confusion.  Should I stay or should I go?  Just leave already, you're starting to annoy me.

Date 2: Juan-on-One with Nikki

No bra.  Nikki's style is, um... What's another word for slutty.  It is hot in Miami, I guess.

Juanny P. let's her know that she is going to go to his daughter's dance recital and she's going to meet his parents and his Baby Mama.  Yikes!

"Are you nervous?" she asks.  Why would he be nervous?  She calls him her boyfriend.  "I hope everyone likes me."

"Dis bitch?"

Back at the suite... Date Card.  "My hometown for yours."  Someone will be getting a rose.  Recital time!  Got damn, Camila's mom is smoking.  If he didn't marry her there is no way he's ending up with any of these other women.  I think someone will win, but there's no way they're still together.  I'm betting that Juanny P's Ex had the same problem these girls have.  It's all fun and games for a month or two then you realize that he's got nothing upstairs.

Touchdown!

Camila meet Nikki.  Nikki meet Camila.  "Is this new mommy?"  I wish she said that.  Nikki thinks that Camila can be a part of her life forever.  Nikki, are you listening to the words that are coming out of your mouth?

Night time.  Whoa, Nikki!  She's not leaving much to the imagination.  There is definitely double-sided tape involved.

Off to Marlins Park.  They play a little catch.  We really don't get to see how good Juanny P's throwing arm is.  Looks like he can at least throw like he's done it before.

"Si, I'm listening."

Picnic on the infield.  He’s just staring down her shirt the whole time.  He’s not paying attention at all.  He just wants some kisses.  He kisses her shoulder.  Nikki is confused with where she fits in with his Ex.  Juanny P. says "I’m glad you feel comfortable"  Nikki, "Family is number one."  Kissy-kissy.  Ugh, so much awful tongue. 

Back at the suite... Sharleen is STILL having second thoughts.  She comes to the other girls and tells them she's leaving.  Adios, Sharleen.  Clare is trying to hide how excited she is that one more girl is going home. Nice teeth, Clare.

It'll be ok.

Sharleen heads down to Juanny P's room.  She's crying.  Juanny P., "What happened."  She's whispering. Why are you whispering?!  All those times I said I liked Sharleen last week, I lied.  SPEAK UP!!  If I want to see subtitles I'd listen to Juanny P. speak Spanish.

Tears.  Face touching.  She's a dead fish.  He's holding her like a 4 year old girl.  More whispering. Geezus. Touch her chin some more, she likes that. He keeps telling her that she's 'different.'  I don't think he knows what that word means.  Peace out, Sharleen.  Then there were 5.

Juanny P. goes out to the balcony to ponder life.  Tears.

No limo for Sharleen.  She gets a taxi.

Date 3: Group Date

We have another fishtail sighting.  This time it's Andi.  Renee had one earlier.  I've got some hair issues.

The ladies take a water-plane to a private island.  It looks like you could swim there from the mainland.

Chelsie pulls him aside for some boring talk.  She's reading letters from her parents.  This is painful.  She has no chance.  He's zoned out.

You have some mustard on your face.

Andi gets some Juan-on-One.  She's crying.  The girls are falling apart.  She feels "super vulnerable."  Juanny P., "What makes you nervous."  Andi, "Failing."  You're new here, aren't you.  Kissy-kissy.  Face touchy.

"Tell me more..."

Clare gets some Juan-on-One.  She wants that Group Date rose.  We find out she has 6 sisters and she's the only one who's not married.  1st of all, not surprised.  2nd of all, how is this the first time he's learning about her family?  That's one of the first questions you ask someone when you start dating.

De plane, de plane!

It starts to rain and Andi gets the rose.  Bitch.  Clare is mortified.  "I deserved that rose."  Meow!

The other girls gotta take off on the water plane while they watch Andi and Juanny P. frolic in the water.  The Bachelor really needs to do more work with underwater cameras.

"So, we just stand here?"

Night time.  Juanny P. and Andi, looking saucy in a red mini, go watch Romeo Santos.  I love him!  Who? She says that she's never listened to Latin music.  Does 'The Macarena' count?  She thinks he's a good dancer.  They are literally doing nothing but swaying.  Juanny P. getting ready for DWTS.





It's about to be a what?!  A girl fight!

Back at the suite... Clare is miffed and does not want to hang with Nikki.  No talking.  Awkward silence. Renee with a throat clear.  Clare is NOT gonna be fake.  Okaaayyy.

"B!%@#"  "B!%@#"

Nikki just leaves the situation and goes upstairs to her room.  "That's so stupid."

Clare goes to confront her.  Calls her a bitch.  Uh-oh, it's on.  Clare's not gonna let Nikki be mean and get away with it.  Let's rumble.  "I wasn't talking shit."  "Who was talking shit?"  This is repeated 5 more times. Clare, channeling her inner Ross Perot, "Can you please not cut me off?!!"  At least she's asking nicely. Nikki, "You can excuse yourself from my room."  Clare, "This isn't your room.  Did you pay for it?"  Nikki, "No!  Did you pay for it?  Are those your clothes?  Please leave."  Nikki says they'll never be friends.  What a dumb argument.  Nikki, "Clare's like a dog.  She peed on him first."  Nikki is out for blood.

Cocktail Party

Chelsie is bent out of shape because Nikki doesn't participate in mindless conversation.  Can they just ignore each other?

Nikki is really confident that she'll get a rose.  She's Courtney Robertson 2.0.  She's calling him her 'boyfriend' pretty consistently now.  I'm starting to wonder if she's the crazy one now.  Pssst... They're all crazy.

"How about this weather?"

Nikki wants the night to be over so she doesn't have to spend time with Clare anymore.  It's just the two of them sitting on separate couches.  Silence....  More silence....  Anyone want to talk here?  Andi comes to the rescue.  Wait, no.  Still no talking.  Hey, Renee.  Still nothing.  Juanny P. comes over and it's still awkward. These girls know that Juanny P. sucks, right?



'Sup, Harrison.  He drags Juanny P. away.

Rose Ceremony

Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

The girls may be starting a band after this rose ceremony.  They look like a sluttier version of The Spice Girls. They're all Slutty Spice.  

Who will get the first rosa?  Nikki, duh.  2nd rosa goes to Clare. Ooohh, it's gonna be a whore-off next week!  Last rosa, Renee.  Adios Chelsie.  Nice work getting this far.

Science!

Juanny P. is crying.  He walks Chelsie out.  Stop talking Chelsie. Clare thinks Juanny P. made a mistake.  Good luck to the guy that ends up with Clare.

Limo tears from Chelsie.  "I hear I'm a great girl, but... I need to find the guy who gets that."  You're 24, sweetie.  Relax.  She was happy that he was sad when he told her to get lost.  Nice consolation. 

Next Week

Hometown dates.  Episodes on Monday AND Tuesday.  I may die. Double the romance!

Credits

Andi dancing, or something.  What is happening?  She’s basically doing the Ickey Shuffle.  You know what, I take that back.  It's worse.  I'm sorry, Ickey.  Her go to dance move is the sprinkler.  Of course it is.  Never do the sprinkler, it's lame.