Bachelor Finale, S19. Is this Heaven? No, It's Iowa.

Bachelor Finale

I'd like to thank everyone for reading my blog this season. It means a lot and I'm glad somebody likes it, or hates it. Bottom line, you're reading it. I try to write from the live point of view of someone who should not be watching The Bachelor as well as trying to get inside the heads of the producers and what they think is funny, dramatic, sexy, shocking and embarrassing. Again, thanks for reading.

We open with a live studio audience. Harrison promises “A shocking turn of events that the entire country will be talking about tomorrow.” I woke up Tuesday failing to hear of these ‘shocking events.’ You're a liar, Harrison.

Soules is back home in Iowa, walking to the middle of nowhere wearing a scarf. Just when I thought the show couldn’t get any more shocking, the producers have Soules meander wherever. Already we can tell that he picks Whitney while describing the two women left.

We get to meet Soules’ family. It’s actually the entire town of Arlington, IA. Mom needs some hair product. Do they not have Wal-Marts in Iowa?

Whitney Meets the Family

Walk, hug, pick-up.

Whitney, “I want you to know how much I love you.” Game over. Becca won’t say this.

She brings flowers for mom and she gets along with kids because she wants kids SO BAD. Whitney, “We made a baby.” She will NEVER get tired of telling that story. Soules will get tired of hearing it.

Whitney, tearing up at dinner, “I love your son and your brother.” Tears and Cheers!

The sisters, who liked Jade a month ago, hang with Whitney. Whitney, “looking back 10 years ago on a map did I say I would be living in Arlington, Iowa? No.” Don’t tell Soules that, he loves five year plans.

Sister, to Soules, “What’s the difference between the two relationships?” Whitney let me put it in her.

Mom and Whitney chat. Geez, Whitney. Get your lips off Mom’s ass. Kissy-kissy.

Ugh, Soules is a weird kisser. He never uses any tongue. There needs to be Bachelor classes. I’d be happy to teach. “What was your major in college?”  “I got a bachelor’s degree in Bachelor.” You're hired!

Oh, you know. Just us boys doing boy things in the workshop. Let’s build a relationship!

Soules’ buddy, “Becca is the girl at the bar that is hard to talk to.” Chase that dragon, Soules.

Commercial: Dancing With the Stars. What the hell is a Riker Lynch?! Don’t you dare say ‘a star.’

Becca Meets the Family

Walk, hug, kiss, cookies.

Sister, “Let’s keep an open mind.” Whitney is a tough follow.

Sisters v. Becca. Becca, “If he picks me it’s probably gonna be long distance. I’m not gonna pick up my life until I’m sure.” Yeah, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Becca with Mom. Mom says that Becca is in love. Becca needs to get out of the house more often. Mom, “It’s up to you.” Take a chance, Becca. And stop your crying!

Sister, “They need time that they don’t have.” Bingo. I like the Soules family. They seem nice. I’m not moving to Iowa for them, though.

Becca’s Last Date

Soules, “I want everything that you can give to me.” Ain’t happening, bruh. Good lord, he brings up a five year plan again. What the hell, Soules? Ask her where she sees herself in five minutes, she still won’t know. Soules, if I asked you five years ago where you see yourself would you have said “on Dancing With the Stars vs. Suzanne Somers?”

Soules seems bummed. He’s really looking for Becca to give him reasons to choose her but she’s not budging. Can he just dump her now? Is that the shocking twist, Harrison?! Is it?!

Becca’s definitely gonna cry herself to sleep tonight. So will Soules. Awww, TV romance fizzling.

Whitney’s Last Date

She meets him at his farm. Stop jumping in his arms and wrapping your legs around him! Gross.

Let’s pick some corn. Nothing runs like a Deere.

As they harvest corn they are also harvesting their relationship. "

Tell me more about this corn process!! Uh, huh. What does this button do?"

So Becca gets grilled at a hotel and Whitney gets to go to his farm and ride around in a tractor with his dad.  And then he takes her to his house?! Are you kidding me? Fast forward.

Soules owns 800 acres! Damn. I mean, it’s like a buck an acre in Iowa, but still.

What is with the necklace, Whitney?

Whitney gets a second segment, and wine. Soules, “Today was awesome because Whitney is awesome.” Ever the wordsmith. Kissy-kissy, no tongue.

Chris, we need to do one more stupid thing for us. Stare out your window at a barren city of Dubuque for us. Thanks. Wait, now do it wearing clothes. Thanks.

NEIL LANE!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s pick out a ring!

Neil, “It’s pretty cold here. I never thought I would be in Iowa.” Fuck you, Neil!

Final Rose Ceremony

One last hug from Harrison.

They furnished his barn to look like a chandelier gallery. What did you do to Soules’ childhood barn, ABC? It’s where he raised his first horse and slaughtered his first pig! It’s where he will dump a virgin and propose to a stage 5. Have you no respect?!

Alright, let’s get to the dumping of Becca.

Harrison, “Chris is waiting for you in the barn.” Don’t trip on the branding irons on your way out. Look out for stray lanterns.

Soules, “I know that I can see you being my wife. But, you’re not really ready.” It was a good run. I’m honestly surprised she made it this far. Buh-bye.

Keep it together, Becca. Once you’re in the limo you can let it out. No, you don’t wanna? Okay, then. Your parting gift is Bachelor fame, everyone knowing you’re a virgin, and being able to move back to San Diego untethered. Gonna be tough.

I wonder if he’ll pick Whitney? I was told there would be a shocking surprise. Break up with her! Do it! Come on! Do it for daddy!

Whitney, “I’ve never been disappointed. From the very beginning I’ve just known.” It’s all downhill from here.

Did Whitney do her own hair? I’m sure she did. It’s also freezing in this damn barn. I can see Soules’ breathe with every deep sigh he takes.

Soules, “It’s not work for us…I love you.” Foreverlove!!

He’s gotta tie his shoe. Why would you… oh. He’s proposing! Dammit, Soules!

NEIL LANE BOX!!!!  Don’t ever buy anything from Neil Lane, you guys.

SHE SAID YES!!! I am shocked! Harrison was right!!

Soules, “There’s one more thing. Will you accept this rose.” Whitney, “Meh. I guess.”

The Bachelorette

I’m not even gonna bother with ATFR. We’re gonna have TWO Bacheloretttes! Kaitlyn and Britt. No way I blog this, and honestly, I don’t even want to know what psychopath wants to date Britt. Or maybe I do.

Also, if they really wanted to do something "shocking" they should do this in real time so spoilers are kept to a minimum or have the lead be someone of color. You're welcome, ABC.

Thanks for reading!