Bachelor Finale, S19. Is this Heaven? No, It's Iowa.

Bachelor Finale

I'd like to thank everyone for reading my blog this season. It means a lot and I'm glad somebody likes it, or hates it. Bottom line, you're reading it. I try to write from the live point of view of someone who should not be watching The Bachelor as well as trying to get inside the heads of the producers and what they think is funny, dramatic, sexy, shocking and embarrassing. Again, thanks for reading.

We open with a live studio audience. Harrison promises “A shocking turn of events that the entire country will be talking about tomorrow.” I woke up Tuesday failing to hear of these ‘shocking events.’ You're a liar, Harrison.

Soules is back home in Iowa, walking to the middle of nowhere wearing a scarf. Just when I thought the show couldn’t get any more shocking, the producers have Soules meander wherever. Already we can tell that he picks Whitney while describing the two women left.

We get to meet Soules’ family. It’s actually the entire town of Arlington, IA. Mom needs some hair product. Do they not have Wal-Marts in Iowa?

Whitney Meets the Family

Walk, hug, pick-up.

Whitney, “I want you to know how much I love you.” Game over. Becca won’t say this.

She brings flowers for mom and she gets along with kids because she wants kids SO BAD. Whitney, “We made a baby.” She will NEVER get tired of telling that story. Soules will get tired of hearing it.

Whitney, tearing up at dinner, “I love your son and your brother.” Tears and Cheers!

The sisters, who liked Jade a month ago, hang with Whitney. Whitney, “looking back 10 years ago on a map did I say I would be living in Arlington, Iowa? No.” Don’t tell Soules that, he loves five year plans.

Sister, to Soules, “What’s the difference between the two relationships?” Whitney let me put it in her.

Mom and Whitney chat. Geez, Whitney. Get your lips off Mom’s ass. Kissy-kissy.

Ugh, Soules is a weird kisser. He never uses any tongue. There needs to be Bachelor classes. I’d be happy to teach. “What was your major in college?”  “I got a bachelor’s degree in Bachelor.” You're hired!

Oh, you know. Just us boys doing boy things in the workshop. Let’s build a relationship!

Soules’ buddy, “Becca is the girl at the bar that is hard to talk to.” Chase that dragon, Soules.

Commercial: Dancing With the Stars. What the hell is a Riker Lynch?! Don’t you dare say ‘a star.’

Becca Meets the Family

Walk, hug, kiss, cookies.

Sister, “Let’s keep an open mind.” Whitney is a tough follow.

Sisters v. Becca. Becca, “If he picks me it’s probably gonna be long distance. I’m not gonna pick up my life until I’m sure.” Yeah, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Becca with Mom. Mom says that Becca is in love. Becca needs to get out of the house more often. Mom, “It’s up to you.” Take a chance, Becca. And stop your crying!

Sister, “They need time that they don’t have.” Bingo. I like the Soules family. They seem nice. I’m not moving to Iowa for them, though.

Becca’s Last Date

Soules, “I want everything that you can give to me.” Ain’t happening, bruh. Good lord, he brings up a five year plan again. What the hell, Soules? Ask her where she sees herself in five minutes, she still won’t know. Soules, if I asked you five years ago where you see yourself would you have said “on Dancing With the Stars vs. Suzanne Somers?”

Soules seems bummed. He’s really looking for Becca to give him reasons to choose her but she’s not budging. Can he just dump her now? Is that the shocking twist, Harrison?! Is it?!

Becca’s definitely gonna cry herself to sleep tonight. So will Soules. Awww, TV romance fizzling.

Whitney’s Last Date

She meets him at his farm. Stop jumping in his arms and wrapping your legs around him! Gross.

Let’s pick some corn. Nothing runs like a Deere.

As they harvest corn they are also harvesting their relationship. "

Tell me more about this corn process!! Uh, huh. What does this button do?"

So Becca gets grilled at a hotel and Whitney gets to go to his farm and ride around in a tractor with his dad.  And then he takes her to his house?! Are you kidding me? Fast forward.

Soules owns 800 acres! Damn. I mean, it’s like a buck an acre in Iowa, but still.

What is with the necklace, Whitney?

Whitney gets a second segment, and wine. Soules, “Today was awesome because Whitney is awesome.” Ever the wordsmith. Kissy-kissy, no tongue.

Chris, we need to do one more stupid thing for us. Stare out your window at a barren city of Dubuque for us. Thanks. Wait, now do it wearing clothes. Thanks.

NEIL LANE!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s pick out a ring!

Neil, “It’s pretty cold here. I never thought I would be in Iowa.” Fuck you, Neil!

Final Rose Ceremony

One last hug from Harrison.

They furnished his barn to look like a chandelier gallery. What did you do to Soules’ childhood barn, ABC? It’s where he raised his first horse and slaughtered his first pig! It’s where he will dump a virgin and propose to a stage 5. Have you no respect?!

Alright, let’s get to the dumping of Becca.

Harrison, “Chris is waiting for you in the barn.” Don’t trip on the branding irons on your way out. Look out for stray lanterns.

Soules, “I know that I can see you being my wife. But, you’re not really ready.” It was a good run. I’m honestly surprised she made it this far. Buh-bye.

Keep it together, Becca. Once you’re in the limo you can let it out. No, you don’t wanna? Okay, then. Your parting gift is Bachelor fame, everyone knowing you’re a virgin, and being able to move back to San Diego untethered. Gonna be tough.

I wonder if he’ll pick Whitney? I was told there would be a shocking surprise. Break up with her! Do it! Come on! Do it for daddy!

Whitney, “I’ve never been disappointed. From the very beginning I’ve just known.” It’s all downhill from here.

Did Whitney do her own hair? I’m sure she did. It’s also freezing in this damn barn. I can see Soules’ breathe with every deep sigh he takes.

Soules, “It’s not work for us…I love you.” Foreverlove!!

He’s gotta tie his shoe. Why would you… oh. He’s proposing! Dammit, Soules!

NEIL LANE BOX!!!!  Don’t ever buy anything from Neil Lane, you guys.

SHE SAID YES!!! I am shocked! Harrison was right!!

Soules, “There’s one more thing. Will you accept this rose.” Whitney, “Meh. I guess.”

The Bachelorette

I’m not even gonna bother with ATFR. We’re gonna have TWO Bacheloretttes! Kaitlyn and Britt. No way I blog this, and honestly, I don’t even want to know what psychopath wants to date Britt. Or maybe I do.

Also, if they really wanted to do something "shocking" they should do this in real time so spoilers are kept to a minimum or have the lead be someone of color. You're welcome, ABC.

Thanks for reading!

Women Tell All (or something like that)

Hey, Harrison. This is where Harrison makes his money, kinda. Harrison, "As you all know, I'm Chris Harrison." Humble, too.

The first segment is Chris and Chris "crashing" Bachelor viewing parties. They go to one that has balloons in the front yard. Who the hell has balloons up for a viewing party? No way any of these women have lives. Let's find out. Harrison just walks right into the house and of course the women are shocked because who wouldn't be shocked if there was already a camera inside the house waiting for Chris and Chris to walk in.

This party is ridiculous. It looks like there's 40 people in this house. Someone must have sent out a Facebook invite. They have a smorgasbord of corn everything, a tractor on a bail of hay, the women are all wearing straw hats. They're all gonna go to work the next day and brag about this to their co-workers and then they'll get demoted. Then some crazy lady kisses Soules and it's soooo crazy. OMG! This isn't awkward at all!! HAHAHA!!! We're having fun, right?

They then crash a few more parties. They just walk on in to these homes and the women are totally okay with this? Seriously, these women are delirious. 

Let's introduce the women! I've forgotten who half of these chicks are. They watch highlights and laugh uncontrollably at themselves and how crazy and fun they are. This is stupid. I'm just gonna post more pics of the audience because they're the real MVPs of the WTA. 

Oh my god! Britt is already crying. She's a straight up drama queen. Britt, to Carly, "Why did you pretend to be my friend?" It's a game, Dum-Dum. Also, you're not here to make friends.

Oh, the girls are just talking over each other. Didn't see that coming with 20 chicks in one room all vying for attention. I'm not even listening to them. Dammit, there's another 90 minutes of this crap! It's like having 100 cats in one room and they're all hungry. Harrison, control your bitches! Throw a bunch of roses in the air or something!

The girls are ganging up on Carly. Britt is crying more. Jillian will you just pick up a chair and throw it?! Harrison, "Jillian, you're a little jacked up." What a dick.

More Britt vs. Carly. Britt, shut up! When Britt can't talk and be the center of attention she gets so frustrated. Good luck to whoever gets to marry this. I really want her to go away. She's annoying. Just say NO to her for Bachelorette.

HAHAHA!! The stupid behind the scenes of the WTA. Britt, crying profusely, "I thought everyone was my friend until I walked out here." Oh well. Harrison, "You think it was jealousy?" Who cares, bro. Oh, she's fine now. The tears just come and go whenever she wants. Fake Britt.

Kelsey time!! Oh my, she uses such big words. I can't believe how smart she is. How many degrees do you have, Kelsey. Tell me, I know you will.

Is there anything funnier than watching someone watch video of other people relishing in their demise on a game show? Kelsey, "I'm feeling betrayed." She's obviously insane. Her emotions run the gamut. Kelsey, "I wish I could be accepted, warts and all." I mean, this chick. Yeah, audience chick gets it.

Juelia, "Kelsey is one of the most calculated people I have ever met." Woooo!!! 

I love how confident each of these women are when they are ganging up on Kelsey. One-on-one, Kelsey destroys them.  

Samantha speaks!!!

Can we get Sanderson Poe's parents on the show? I wanna know what they think of Kelsey. Their opinion is the only one that matters.

Ashley S. time! Finally! She should have gotten the entire first hour of the WTA.

She brings Harrison an onion and claims that she's started growing her own onions. I love her. She's so spacy. "I like to ride bikes. I mean, this is me. With the cameras around it was really hard for me to not be silly." Harrison asks, no begs, her to come on Bachelor In Paradise. That shit show is returning? I will not be blogging that. Sorry, my dozen readers. The crowd is chanting "Do it! Do it! Do it!" They're dumber than the contestants. The bottom line is that Ashley S. is awesome.

Jade's turn! Harrison, "Thanks for being here." Like she was gonna say 'no.'

Great, now she's crying. Do they realize that they dodged a huge bullet by not winning? They're just sad they weren't good enough. Sucks finishing 2nd through 30th doesn't it? You're less than.

She's mad at Soules because of something he wrote in his blog. That he wasn't honest with her about her nudes when he should have been. Get over it. You don't want him anyway.

Kaitlyn's turn in the HOT SEAT. Damn girl! You look like you're ready to be the next Bachelorette or something.

Kaitlyn, "I can pinpoint the moment when my heart just broke." Harrison, "When was it?" Kaitlyn, "When he called Whitney's name." Doy.

She felt REALLY confident going into that last Rose Ceremony. Yup, they did it. 

Kaitlyn, "I don't think I've ever felt so blindsided." These girls really get sucked into the game. It's unbelievable how this happens time and time again. I know they watch the prior shows. I know they know the history of couples failing months after the show ends. They just can't help themselves. It must be the helicopter rides.

Okay, only two more segments left. I can do this.

Bring out the meat!! Soules and Harrison with a bro-hug. Gimme some dap, bruh.

Britt is crying again?! My god, woman. Well, this is an awkwardly long hug. She's a trainwreck.

Soules, "The reason we didn't work out wasn't because of Carly." It was you, Britt! Get the hell off the stage!

Kaitlyn wants closure. You didn't get a rose. To me, that's closure. You'll be fine.

Kaitlyn is railing on him for not doing things a certain way, like dumping her away from the Rose Ceremony. Is she serious? It's not like he's done this before. Sure, he's a terrible Bachelor who has a lack of reading the room, but cut him some slack.

Jade, come on down!! Hug. She's killing it in her red dress. Look what you're missing out on, Soules! A wild stallion!!

He was caught off guard by her nudes. Eyes up here, Soules!

Harrison, "It's time for BLOOPERS!!" Wait, what were the last ten episodes then? Those weren't the bloopers? Also, these aren't bloopers unless Tom Bergeron is involved. Do I need to give ABC all the ideas?! The only real 'bloopers' involved animals. Again, not bloopers.

Now Harrison is pimping his book. Uh, no. The only idiots buying that book were the ones having extravagant Bachelor viewing parties.

After watching this I feel like this girl. See you at the finale!!