Just Breathe. S19, Ep5.

We are finally leaving Los Angeles. Off to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Santa Fe, "Holy Faith" in Spanish, is the oldest capital in the US. It has a population of 67,000. Notable residents include Gene Hackman, George R.R. Martin, Judge Reinhold, and Kenny Rogers. Suck it, Albuquerque!

Soules, already in Santa Fe, “It seems like the perfect place to fall in love.” Seems, Chris. Seems.

Back in LA, Harrison lets the ladies know that they are heading to Santa Fe! I'm sorry, where? Megan has never been there. She thinks it’s a beach resort place and they wear sombreros. She’s a simple girl. She likes simple things.

Producers, "Soules, see that bridge over there? go sit on it and look pensive." 

The girls are staying at a Casino. Buffalo something. Exchange? Stance? I don't know. What I do know is that this better lead to one of the girls having a gambling problem. My money is on Kaitlyn.

Girls, "Hey Hey Hey Hey. To finding love in Santa Fe." Cheers!

1-on-1 w/ Carly

Let’s come together… That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Carly is stoked. Go change your clothes girl, you got a date!

Run to Soules, hug, pick up, kiss. Repeat.

Soules and Carly enter a home, “Hello! We're here!” A woman, whose name is so ridiculous I'm not gonna even give it the time of day, is meditating in back. She needs to meditate that nose ring out of her face. There's an age ceiling for those things and she's past it.

She’s a Love and Intimacy Mentor. Which is a job title that looks like something one of the girls should have. She's essentially A Love Guru. She might actually be related to Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker. Probably has a higher success rate than Patti.

It's time to do some intimacy exercises. Light the sage and let's get weird! Soules, “I don’t think this happens in Iowa.” They’re getting smoked out by the sage. Ohhhhmmmmm… Ohhhhmmmmm…. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Carly, time to blindfold Chris. It's about time! We haven't had a blindfolding in 2 weeks. Where's the firing squad? Somehow this is the new 'racy' thing that the show is doing. 50 Shades of Grey, I got my eyes on you.

Touch Chris. Be curious. Explore his body. Smell him. Eat this chocolate strawberry, Chris. It’s totally natural. Nothing weird about this at all. Oh, the cameras? Ignore the cameras.

Chris, “She's a sex guru.” Whoa! Is that the wheelbarrow position or some downward dog?! Save that for when you go back to Iowa, you two. Middle America learned that move from Miley and Robin Thicke.

Carly isn’t entirely comfortable here. She makes note of it being their 1st date. I love you Carly. So rational.

Off go the outer robes, aka 'clothing masks.' It’s getting a lot more awkward in here. Off come the pants? Slowly. Slower. Sloooowwer. Alright, this is getting too weird. Mike Myers, "Instead of taking off your pants, talk." This time Chris actually strings a few words together to make sentences. 

Someone has done a number on Carly. She hasn't felt wanted in a looooong time. Soules, "You are worthy.” It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

Straddle time. Only rule is no kissing. Oh, like a prostitute.

Easy there, Soules. He's excited. How close are these mics to their heaving mouths? Did they just get done doing wind sprints? What the hell is going on?  Kissy-kissy. Hey!! Sex Guru Patti Stanger said no kissing! And a TWO drink maximum!

Night time w/ Carly. Fireplace? Check. A dozen rugs? Check. 90 pillows? Check. Wine and Cheese? Check. It can't get any easier than this, Soules.

Carly, “It was like date seven, instead of date one.” She hasn’t been intimate with someone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend would never touch her. Never wanted to be physical. Poor, Carly. She needs to be touched. Chris, touch her. But not physically. Touch her heart. Touch her mind. Touch her soul. Be her Love Guru.

Carly, "How has it been hard for you to be open?" Carly is making too much sense and asking normal relationship questions. Stop being rational!! This is not why I watch the show!

Soules makes her feel really "good and special." Kissy-kissy. Rose for Carly! More kissy-kissy.

Soules, “She has everything inside that I could ask for in a woman.”

Group Date:

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, Kelsey.

I’m Rapidly Falling in Love.... They’re going to Cedar Rapids, Iowa!!!! Soules wishes. J/K, we're going rafting! Don't worry ladies, you can still cake on your makeup as much as you want on this date.

Rise and shine, ladies. Slather on that makeup and throw on your best pair of lululemon's! We're going outside!!

The rafting guide, possibly a gold miner, is named Sisqo (Cisqo, Cisco). Let me see that thong, tha, thong, thong, thong. Sorry about that. 

Good lord, ladies. Relax with the makeup. The date card did not say "Just Clownin’ Around.”

Aaaand, here we go. Into the water, getting a little more bumpy. Whoops! Out of the raft goes Jade. She gets the black box treatment as they reel her back in. I know what's behind that black box.

Jade does not do well with cold. Her body goes into hypothermia when it’s below 69 degrees. Soules is rubbing her feet to keep her alive. Warm her up Chris! I’m about to. Warm her up Chris! That’s what I was born to do... That should make up for the Thong Song reference.

Night time with the group – Rose on the table. Must. Have. The. Precious.

On Soules' walk to the night time festivities he runs into Drunk Jordan. She came back for more! Or does she work at the casino? Nope, she drove from Colorado. How many DUIs did you get on the drive out? If Soules let’s her back in! I don’t know what, but something.

The girls are worried cause Soules hasn't showed up yet. Thank God they can stare at each other’s turquoise necklaces.

Soules, “You drank too much, Jordan.”

He’s bringing her back. What?! This effing guy.

He’s keeping her around for the night. HAHAHA! Spineless!

Ashley is pissed. Surprise! Shut up, Ashley. No one wants to hear it.

Jordan is trying to explain herself to the girls and they ain’t having it.

Becca, to Soules, “Are you overwhelmed by this?” What do you think, Becca? Have you been watching the show?

The girls are letting Soules know one by one that he needs to tell Jordan to take a hike.

Ashley is spitting straight truth about not wanting to have Jordan there. But Whitney just wants everyone to be nice to her. Ashley’s B-face is strong.

Jade, “Chris, are you ok?” Translation: Tell Jordan to take a hike.

Back at the Hotel - Carly to Britt, “You need to shower.” Britt doesn’t shower? Carly rocks.

Date Card for Britt

Sky’s the Limit...

But she’s afraid of heights! Maybe you should have thought about that when they asked you what your fears were months ago on The Bachelor questionnaire. Britt is sobbing she's so terrified of being terrified by heights. ACTING! 

Back to the Group Date - Chris let’s Jordan go home for an embarrassing 2nd time. Buh-bye. 5 minutes of your 15 are up. Good luck. On your way. Thanks for wasting a segment. Contestants, don't go back for more. Just don't. It's annoying and we forget you just as easily. You're just a cog in The Bachelor machine. Replaceable.

Hugs and kisses with Jordan.

Kelsey to Jordan, “I’ll always admire you.” Is she for real? You’re a guidance counselor!! What is Kelsey’s deal?

Megan gets a Soules hug cause she's crying that a friend in Megan came and left so soon. You want a hug? Get to crying!

Rose goes to Whitney, who is here for the right reasons. Her voice also isn’t as bad as it was when I first heard it. She's growing on me.

Kaitlyn, after the rose was handed out, “Who’s pissed.” She better be the next bachelorette.

Ashley is crying to Megan. She’s seriously the worst. Now she's talking to Mackenzie. Maybe don’t go to the 21 year old if you want some decent advice. Just a thought.

1-on-1 w/ Britt

It’s 4:30 am. Soules is in the girl's room and he's gonna wake up Britt. Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey. Get dressed Britt. kissy-kissy. Carly hears all this in the dark. Yup, that'll totally make her self-esteem go up. You're just like the rest, Soules!! 

Britt woke up in full makeup. Doesn’t shower but sleeps in her makeup? If you're being filmed all day you'd do weird things, too. Be ready for anything, I guess.

She is just staring him down on the drive to a hot air balloon. OMG! She’s excited about it. Got over that fear of heights pretty quickly there, didn’t we?

Britt, “This is probably the best date of my life.” The dates are all downhill from here, Britt.

Kissy-kissy.

Britt, “I feel like Chris is my boyfriend.” Stage 5.

Britt and Chris go back to his room. Britt goes right to the bed. Signs, signs, everywhere the signs.

The girls are all talking shit about Britt while she is on her date.

Carly, “On a scale of one to manipulative, Britt is… what's above manipulative.” She's awesome. Oh, man. Now Carly is tearing up wondering if Chris still likes her since she heard him kissing Britt earlier. Will someone please touch Carly!

Britt gets a rose.

Britt and Soules are rolling in bed. Under some covers. Close the bedroom doors, Chris. Scandalous!

Say what?! Did you say 'nap?'

Here comes Britt, back to the girl's room, with the rose. Bitches be jelly! Britt, "We went back to his room for a few hours and took a nap." Oh SHIT!!! Play the game, girl. Naps are serious biz!

Kelsey, feeling the need to let Soules know that she was married to a man named Sanderson Poe, goes to his room. "He needs to hear my story." Cuz that worked out so well for Juelia. 

Kelsey regales us with a story of how Sanderson died of a heart attack. She’s really laying it on thick. Tears, pauses, voice inflection. She’s totally told this story before to get something. Is she an actor like Britt, too? Kissy-kissy. Kelsey, "It was a perfect 1st kiss." Ick!

Kelsey, being interviewed, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic but amazing.” She is something else. That's some demented shit right there. She’s crazy. Like, for reals crazy. The craziest one in the house. Bat guano.

Cocktail Party?

Half these girls are going to prom.

Samantha speaks!

Kelsey, “I’m feeling very comfortable.” Whitney sees through her BS.

CHRIS IS HERE!!!! YAY!!!!

Samantha speaks, again!!!!

Soules, to the girls, “Kelsey and I had a conversation.” Uh-oh. Is Chris having a panic attack?  He should try the breathing exercises that he learned from the Sex Guru. He leaves the room and won't come back for the rest of the show.

Soules, to Harrison, “This is harder than I wanted it to be.” Harrison, “It always is.” Phrasing.

Tensions are high. Kelsey lets the other girls in on what she did earlier in going to Soules' room. She’s deranged. “I had to honor Sanderson.” I bet he’s thrilled.

She’s talking like a lunatic. All of it. Her choice of words. The calm, patronizing manner in which she's saying those words. Her 'I'm bettrr than you' tone. I'd have a hard time not laughing at her if I was one of the other girls.

Kelsey, “I’m not going. I mean, I don’t know if I’m going.” Nice recovery. I think you fooled 'em.

owhHere comes Harrison. This is the most action he's gotten this season. “Chris is extremely emotional tonight. His mind is made up.” Dun. Dun. Dun.

Soules decides there WON'T BE A COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT!!!  WHAT?!! NOOOO?!!! I needs my cocktails!

Ashley is moaning about how her story isn’t as traumatic as Kelsey’s.  Heart Attack Widow vs. Virginity. I know who I would choose.

Hmmm.... Which one would I take? 

Take this poll. I'll reveal results next week. POLL 

Kelsey doesn’t want to go to the Rose Ceremony. "It’s scary."  She thinks that the Cocktail Party is cancelled because of her story. Probably.

Down goes Kelsey! Down goes Kelsey! She’s having a panic attack. Pull it together, Kelsey!

EMT Diane, “Kelsey. Do you remember your name.” Kelsey, is it Kelsey?!

The girls have zero shits to give about Kelsey.

TO BE CONTINUED.... We were watching anyway!

Next week:

Crying. 2 on 1 date. Ashley crying. Poor Soules.

Credits:

Megan doing the Macarena and wearing a ‘fancy’ sombrero. Ya know. New Mexico. Mexico. Duh.

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