Blue Bali. S19, Ep9.

The group heads to Bali!

Chris, walk around this Temple. Thanks.

Chris, walk in front of those monkeys. Perfect.

Chris, walk around the hotel. Great.

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn gets the 'walk around the city' date.

Walk, hug, pick up, wrap legs around, kiss.

The two go into a temple where people are working(?).One condition – NO KISSING! I really have no idea what's going on in there. I think they're making friendship bracelets or dream catchers. 

Soules, “Next thing you know we’re walking around with baskets on our heads.” Stupid Americans. Get to work! You! With the small hands, get over here!

Walk around the city, have a beer, talk to locals. Let's speed this up, ABC.

Kaitlyn, “Everyone is so nice.” Translation: You look different than us and have electronics. Are you from the future?

Monkeys are everywhere. I mean, EVERYWHERE. You know what? Chris’ laugh is probably attracting them. Oh, no! The monkeys aren’t… what is happening?? Soules’ laugh is definitely a mating call. This is not the Fantasy Suite he had in mind.

Kaitlyn’s family loved Chris. Kaitlyn loves Chris. It’s gonna hurt when she gets dropped. Gonna hurt even more since she’s let her guard down. She’s much softer than she was at the start of this game show.

Dinner -

Kaitlyn, “I’m scared to tell Chris how I’m feeling.” Heartbreak is a coming!

She is shaking. It’s like prom night.

Kaitlyn, “I have this guard up.” Told ya. She’s used to putting people on the defensive. Early on in the show she was looking for reactions. How far can I push this? I think we’re seeing the real Kaitlyn, now. I miss dirty mouth/has a wall up Kaitlyn, though.

Soules, “I have something for you.” It’s a note from Harrison! He’s so thoughtful, and has such great penmanship, too.

Fantasy Suite - YES!!!

Kaitlyn, “I can’t imagine saying no to that. We deserve it.” I know what that means.

Kaitlyn, “I am falling in love with you.” Yes, Kaitlyn. Minimize the commitment. Soules, “Right back atcha, bud.” Kissy-kissy.

Bow chika-bow wow.

Whitney:

Whitney gets the 'yacht' date.

Run, hug, wrap legs around, kiss. What is up with the wrapping of legs around him? Every one of these broads.

Whitney is still bummed that her sister didn't give Soules her 100% approval of marriage. Get over it. 

Whitney, "I've never felt so sure, so confident of anything in my life." I hope so, cuz while you were in Bali, the hospital just fired you.

Chris isn't fazed by Whitney's sister not giving him her blessing. Atta boy.

Jump in! The water is fine! Whitney needs a tan.

Whitney, "I'm head over heels in love with you." Look, she's probably gonna win, but how fun would it be to see her get dumped? She would GO OFF!

Night -

Soules realizes how big of a deal it would be for Whitney to leave Chicago and her job for him. They only live four hours from each other. Commute. Have a place in both cities. This isn't hard. His insecurity about his hometown is overblown.

Whitney, "I've worked so hard on my career. I've always wanted to be a wife and a mom. I have this career but I'm still not happy. I would just be ready to have babies." You're in luck! You can start tonight!

Whitney, "It's not where you are, It's who you're with." That's nice.

Hey, a note from Harrison! Wonder what it says.

Fantasy Suite – YES!

Whitney, "I’ve thought about this and I think it would be great!" 

Whitney, “I’m ready to become engaged to this man and start a family.”

Do we really need to go through the Becca segment? I guess we will anyway.

Becca:
She gets the 'walk through the rainforest village' date. I think that's what this is.

Walk, wave with both hands, hug, kiss.

Saved the Virgin for last. My favorite Vanessa Williams song, btw.

Soules, "The fact that she's never been in love before worries me." She's gonna have all of the feels!

The two of them go into a temple and meet a medium/shaman/fortune teller. He says they make a great couple and should make love. Becca is embarrassed. Move along, nothing to see here.

Look! A stream. Let's go stand in it and make kisses to each other.

Night -

So nervous. After the really fun day Becca is reconsidering saving herself for marriage. On national tv. She’s totally rational. She’s the opposite of Kaitlyn and taking Soules for a test drive before marriage.

Becca has never fallen or been in love before. These feelings are new.

Fantasy Suite card comes out. What is The Virgin going to do?!! Also, how has there not been a reality show called The Virgin?

Soules has a weird smirk on his face. Becca, “I would love to spend more time together alone.”

Fantasy Suite - YES!!!

In the room after a toast of champagne she drops the virgin bomb on him. He has no idea what to say, like usual. “I respect that in a lot of ways. I’d be lying if it says it surprises me. It says a lot about who you are.” Such as?

Becca, “His response was perfect.” Or non-response.

I’m actually a little pissed at the production team for having that conversation filmed. I seriously doubt this is how she wanted it to go down. She’s too private and closed off for that to have been what happened. Shame on you, ABC.

Next morning -

Becca, go walk on the beach. Great.

Soules, look out off your balcony. Thanks.

Soules, “Whitney and Kaitlyn have both told me that they’re in love with me and Becca hasn’t.” Tears from Soules. Man, the only issue Soules has is what order to get rid of Kaitlyn and Becca. It's not gonna be pretty any way you look at it. After Kaitlyn's date, I think she has more invested and will take the breakup harder. And then she'll get over it when she becomes The Bachelorette.

Here comes pimp Harrison. Soules can still see himself with all three women. Would the three women be willing to move to Utah?

Harrison, “I think you’re headed in the right direction which is good.” Thanks, Harrison. Get back in your cage.

Rose Ceremony:

What are Harrison and Soules wearing? Looks like they’re headed into the dojo for some karate lessons. Apparently they’re on hallowed ground. Whatever that means. No touching! Okay, maybe some hand holding.

Kaitlyn wants to start their lives together, Whitney sees marriage, and Becca is scared. I think I know where this is going.

Soules pulls Becca aside. Wipe that grin off your face, Whitney!

Soules and Becca, “Whisper whisper whisper.” Speak up! Becca, “I’m crazy about you. It’s just been so surprising to me.” Soules, “This is crazy difficult for me.” See ya, Becca.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Whitney are talking like they’re best friends. Let’s go shopping and get mani-pedi’s, girlfriend!

Here comes Soules and Becca back to the Rose Ceremony holding hands. But, you’re on sacred ground. Kaitlyn, “Oh shoot!” HAHAHA! The way she says it! Just when you thought you were safe! Pssst, you’re still safe. And thanks for keeping it pg on these hallowed grounds.

She can’t be right for him if I’m right for him.” Whitney,  “She’s young…” You are three years older than her! What?!

First rose goes to…. Whitney! Come on down. No touching!

The future runner-up rose goes to… Becca! Whoa! Are you shitting me?!

Becca reaches out for Kaitlyn’s hand, she’s not having it. I can’t say this enough, Kaitlyn 4 Bachelorette! That’s the only way I would watch three episodes of that.

Soules, “I’m so sorry.” Sigh. Hug. Whisper. He’s just talking in circles. Complete jibberish. I can’t even type his quotes. Kaitlyn is holding it together pretty well for the most part.

Kaitlyn, “I don’t want to get in there (limo) and do this.” Hop in! Now! Chop chop! This is how tv breakups go.

Safety first. Put your seat belt on. I see you, camera guy! 

Kaitlyn, “The most humiliating moment of my whole entire life.” Really? Come on.

Kaitlyn, “I’m really confused. It blows my mind.” I know, right? Well, toodles.

Next week:

Women Tell All! Where's my invite?

Credits:

Soules talking to monkeys. "Will you accept this rose?" Hope you’ve had you rabies shots, Soules.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun. S19, Ep8.

The Hometown Dates are upon us. We're gonna be down to the final three at the end of the night and one step closer to the end of Chris Soules' reign as The Bachelor and one step closer to me having my Monday nights back. No mas! 

Soules is not happy with Britt’s reaction from the previous night.

1-on-1 w/ Becca:

Soules wants a low key date with Becca. Read: Boring. They sit around a pretty sick loft in Des Moines and just hang out. Becca, “I’ve never been in love with anyone.” Her last relationship was off and on for 4 years but there was never any love behind that long of a relationship? They go up on the roof to watch the sunset. Kissy-kissy. Nothing to see here.

Back at the Renaissance. The girls are gossiping about Britt. Britt comes in, conveniently. Britt, "I'm gonna leave before the rose ceremony tomorrow." Prove it! Here come the waterworks. Carly is calling her out on her BS again. I see what Carly is saying about Britt being wrong for Soules, but Carly's kind of a hater. 

Whitney, about Britt, “Looks aren’t everything. You gotta work for it." More tears from Britt in the hallway.

Cocktail Party:

Carly, “All Britt wants is for Chris to beg her not to leave.” Correct.

Harrison comes in and says there’s no Cocktail Party! WHAT?! Life is over as I know it! How is Britt gonna tell Chris that she wants to leave?  Oh no! No closure for Britt. On to the Rose Ceremony. Line up, ladies.

Soules, “I’m falling in love. It’s happening. I have some tough decisions to make.” Britt takes him aside. The girls are catty. Britt wants the validation and she’s not sure she’ll get it. If that’s the case then she wants to do the breaking up. She's selfish.

Britt apologizes for the previous night. She’s annoying. Soules tells her about how the other girls don’t think she’s being honest. STOP TELLING SOULES THINGS!! Britt, “Was it Carly?” Soules, “Why does it matter.” Shut up Britt! She gone! Tears. She better not be the next Bachelorette. 

Carly is still being very catty. “The prettiest girl in the room now knows what it’s like to be like the rest of us.” Hey, Carly, YOU'RE ALL PRETTY! Britt will be fine. If being Bachelor famous doesn't work out she still has that waitressing thing to fall back on.

Carly is pretty pleased with herself. Britt, ‘crying,’ “Carly is my friend. I don’t know why she would tell Chris. I really trusted Carly.” Britt realizes that this is a game, yeah? I know she's seen the show.

Rose Ceremony:

Soules, “I just sent Britt home and I think it was for the best. I don’t think I could trust her. I’m not playing games.”

Roses go to…

Kaitlyn, already has one.

Whitney

Becca

Jade

Adios, Carly. It’s been real. Karma came around. Who’s gonna be Soules’ bff now? Kaitlyn, “She’ll be okay.”

Carly, in limo, “I’m gonna be really sad... again. What’s new? Why is it so hard to just want me?” Will someone give Carly a hug. She'd be a terrible Bachelorette. 

Becca Hometown:

Shreveport, Louisiana. Typical San Diegan, not from San Diego.

Run, jump in arms, wrap legs around Chris, kiss. 

This is the first time that she’s brought home anyone to meet her parents. There’s a first time for everything, Becca. EVERYTHING.

Why are they sitting in swamp in a canoe by themselves? 

Becca’s got a big family. Mom, Dad, Sister/Husband, kids, Doc, Grumpy, and Sleepy.

Her family is giving Becca the business about Soules being the 1^st guy she’s brought home. That would worry me. Her sister is straight up telling Chris that she’s a prude. Soules is a little concerned. You mean to tell me that she's never had the touch of a man?

Becca's mom, “I’ve never seen her demeanor like this when she’s with you. This is big.” She doesn’t want to see Becca get hurt. Man, if she gets to the final 2 and then loses, that would be bad. I wanna see that. 

Becca’s sis, “You’re getting close to the Fantasy Suite. Does he know?” About what? Does it rhyme with surgeon?

Kissy-kissy before he leaves. But wait, there's more!! He takes her with him to the Louisiana State Fair, which is closed for the night. They go on the Ferris Wheel. They’re stuck at the top! We can’t get them down! Looks like you have to stay up there. They’re cool up there, they're just gonna make out a little more.

Whitney Hometown:

Chicago. Chicago? I guess if your parents aren’t in your life.

Run, hug, pick up, kiss.

Whitney, “What do you say we go make a baby?!” Off to Whitney’s work. She loves her work. Something has to fill the void in her life that a man would otherwise fill. I would rather meet her friends, but that's just me.

She gives Soules scrubs to wear. Whitney, "He's so hot in those scrubs." Whitney really is making babies, aka playing God. Whitney decides to yank Soules chain a bit and asks him if he can give her a sample of his sperm. Get to jerkin', Chris. Are there computers in the jerk rooms? Nope, just archaic porn like Playboys and a TV. Does it take DVDs or Tapes? Nurse, the tracking is off.

Chris, “I’m pretty confident my soldier’s are marching.” I like that one. I may use that.

Who do we get to meet in Whitney’s family? Grandma, Uncle, Sister Kimberly and her Husband. Soules wants to ask someone for a possible blessing on marriage. Whitney, "Ask my sister." Like it matters.

Sis on sis talk. Her sister’s not really believing in this process. Kimberly, don’t ruin it for Whitney! Be happy for her! Sissy doesn’t get the whole Bachelor thing. Kimberly, he’s not going to see you again. Just answer 'Yes!' Good lord, I can’t take any more crying. Make it stop!

Soules asks Kimberly for her blessing, she’s not giving it to Chris. At least, not yet. Text her in a week. Soules didn’t expect sissy to say no. Whitney is sad. Well, Kimberly blew it for ya. Just a speed bump in the road on the way to your impending break-up in the near future.

To cap off the date Whitney has a bottle of wine that she bought in Napa a while back that was a little pricey. She bought it in hopes that she could share it with her husband. She's in deeeeep. Whitney, with feeling, drops the L bomb! You ever been? Kissy-kissy.

Kaitlyn Hometown:

Phoenix. Phoenix? Are any of these women from where they say they're from? Her family is a bunch of Canadian snowbirds. Typical Canadians.

Walk, kiss, hug.

Kaitlyn has Chris meet her at a recording studio. Is she paying for this studio time? That stuff ain’t cheap. They're gonna write and record a rap song. I don't get it. Is Kaitlyn a rapper? Chris is so boring that they need to find something for filler.

Kaitlyn, “I think to watch anyone come up with rap lyrics is funny.” Coming up with them isn’t the funny part, watching someone rap them is.

Soules has no rhythm, none. At least he’s putting in effort. Soules, “I’m trying the best I can. But I suck.” He does. Chris attempts to rap, "Family means everything and so does an engagement ring." He should of just gone with the Fruity Pebbles Rap. 

Time to meet the Hosers, eh. Mom, Step-dad, Dad, Step-mom, and Sister. The new modern family and everyone gets along. According to Mom, Kaitlyn's heart was broken in her last relationship. Mom is concerned. She should be, it's gonna get broke again.

Kaitlyn tells Soules that she 'loves' him by showing him a billboard that reads 'Kaitlyn ❤ Chris.' Um, that doesn't count Kaitlyn. Say it with your filthy mouth! The billboard move is straight out of LA Story. Underrated Steve Martin movie.

Jade Hometown:

Gering, Nebraska. Pop. 8480.

Walk, hug, kiss. Simple. 

Jade, “My secret has ruined past relationships for me.” It’s no secret if it's all over the internet. 

Let's meet the Fam. Mom, Dad, Brothers. They are definitely from Nebraska.

Soules gives Jade a letterman's jacket at the house. Wonder what she's gonna do with it after she gets dumped. Burn it?

Soules tells her dad that he likes that she’s from a small town and has good core value. Dad knows something you don't know.

Zach, bro with the sweet beard and cool haircut, “You know, she's been doing her modeling thing... As long as I’ve know Jade she’s been a wild mustang, free spirit.” She does what she wants!

Alright, let’s get to the good stuff!!

Back to the Hotel where Soules is staying. Chris tells Jade that her bro said that she’s a wild mustang. “Hot mustang, but I haven’t seen the wild side.” Now?! Is it now?! Are you gonna tell him about Playboy now?

Jade, “I think there are some things about me that would surprise you. I’ve been judged on it a lot. Especially in relationships.” No judging over here!

She was a young kid moving to LA and she said 'yes' to something. No big deal. It happens. Someone in a van pulls along side you on Hollywood and Highland and offers you a role in a short film that you'd be perfect for. Before you know it your fingers are in your mouth and you're awkwardly seducing a camera with shitty New Age music in the background. We've all been there.

Jade, “If you want I could show you some of the photos?” Soules, “I mean, sure.” Boot up the laptop. HAHAHA!!! Soules’ face!! He’s so uncomfortable. Come on man, it’s Playboy. It’s tasteful. It's empowering.

HAHAHAHA!!! They’re watching the video. No way this is real life! Classic!! There's no coming back from this. I've seen the video. She's a goner.

Blue hue

Soules, “I judge you for the person you are. This won’t make me feel any differently of you.” That's nice. Soules, “It’s too hard to find a soulmate to worry about this stuff.” Jade is touched. Chris is too damn nice. For the most part he’s a standup dude. Where are his skeletons? I heard he kicked a dog once.

Soules, “I wanted to see Jade out of her shell. I saw her out of her shell. Completely out of her shell.” Like a naked ninja turtle.

Jade leaves and Soules goes straight back to the laptop. Soules, "I'll need some privacy." The cameramen kindly leave.

Rose Ceremony:

How dare we interrupt Harrison’s nap?!

Roses go to:

Whitney - #1 for the second ceremony in a row.

Kaitlyn - Wow!

Becca or Jade? Nude model or Virgin?

It’s Becca! Buh-bye Jade. You have my number.

Jade is gonna need to be reassured here somehow. Soules, “Things have moved quicker with some of the other girls.” It’s not you, it’s me. One last kiss. Jade is sad, but not that beat up about it. At least not until she hits the limo. Limo tears, also tears from Chris.

Jade, “My heart’s broken.” :( You'll be fine.

Next week:

Bali. We leave the country! Boats. Monkeys. Overnight dates. Virgin!

Credits:

Serious talk with Whitney while her tiny-ass rat-dog humps a doll.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name. S19, Ep7.

Chris Tell All:

As if I didn’t waste enough time on this show ABC has decided to have a 3 hour, 3 damn hours, special President’s Day weekend episode! Starting with an hour long Soules Tell All. There’s no way this guy can give them 10 minutes worth of footage let alone an hour. Bound to be a few surprises along the way. LEGGO!

I’m already LoLing listening to Britt say that she ‘loved’ his hometown in Iowa. HAHAHA!!! Classic, Britt!

Harrison Sit Down with Kelsey:

Kelsey, “Am I really that controversial?” Meh, more like you were a total B. She was condescending and faked a panic attack.

Harrison, “Do you think that you’re smarter than all the other girls?” Kelsey, “No. I’m not narcissitic.” Editing says otherwise.

Harrison, “You recovered pretty quickly (i.e. panic attack).  ”Kelsey, “Only way I could pull myself together was through humor.” I guess that's a reason.

Kelsey, “I hope that the point comes across that I still respect Ashley.” She’s delusional. Kelsey, I have a phone call for you. It’s Idina Menzel on line 1. Menzel, “Let it go.” 

Harrison with Soules:

Soules was surprised by Ashley backstabbing Kelsey. Harrison, “Why did you tell Kelsey?” Soules, “I clearly know less about women that I thought I knew.” Clearly.

Asked about Ashley S., Soules, “I noticed full on at the Zombie date (that something was up with her).”Soules, “I was legitimately scared.” Seriously, dude?! Scared of what?

Harrison has clips of Ashley S. wandering around the property and going to the production trucks. I’d rather have watched Ashley meandering than some of the episodes this season.

Harrison, “Her audition tape is incredibly normal. Nobody who saw that tape could have predicted any of her behavior.” He's right, she's totally normal in the audition tape they saw. Now I just miss Ashley S. more.

Clips of upcoming Andi interview heading into commercial. She’s crying her eyes out. HAHAHA!! Andi, Staahhhppp.

Harrison, “At what point did you realize it was a big mistake (to bring back Jordan)?” Soules, “Immediately. Ever felt a death stare?" The first of many. 

Soules, “I get it I suck at speeches. I farm.” Word gets around.

Harrison, “I think you are one of the most sincere Bachelors ever.” Translate: Simple.

Harrison with Andi: 

Let's get to the good stuff.

Harrison, “How are you doing.” She’s already crying and hasn’t even talked yet?! Oh boy.

Andi, "Obviously not very well.” Funny, Instagram says differently. You're always having soooo much fun on there. I wish I were you!!!

Andi, “We had struggled for a while.” Then what the hell were you doing on the red carpet at the premier? Give me a break. Just keep crying so I can keep laughing. Does she even have any more tears left?

Harrison, "How did you guys lose that (love)?" Andi, "The trip for the premier was eye opening." But, you just said. Nevermind.

Andi, "Breakup was mutual. We didn’t better each other. I didn’t feel supported and I don’t think I gave him the support that he needed." Good! That's the closure I needed. I can sleep tonight.

Andi, “It’s sad.” Well, that’s the way it goes, Sugarplum.

Andi, “I’ve never had love like that. He was my first true love. My first true heartbreak. It’s the biggest failure of my life so far.” Andi, chill. You’ll have bigger failures. You've probably had bigger already. You had AT BEST a 30% chance of making it with Josh. Chill. No ragrets, Andi.

The Bachelor S19, Ep7:

Still in Deadwood. This Rose Ceremony better end with a duel and a death, like it should have in the Badlands.

Girls, “We were so proud of you (getting rid of Kels and Ash)” Meow!

Megan gets some 1-on-1 with Chris. She’s a goner.

Soules looks like shit. He is wiped out. This show is taking a toll on him. Wait, Megan is just leaving? Okay, then. Soules, “It breaks my heart.” Down to six remaining contestants.

Harrison, “There’s still going to be a Rose Ceremony tonight.” Soules is really dropping the dead weight in Deadwood. 

Soules to Harrison, “I don’t think I can do this.” Dammit, Soules! Don't read the cue card! Just get rid of another one. Let’s speed this up. I've got things to do. J/K, I don't have anything to do.

There won’t be a Rose Ceremony. NO!! DAMMIT!! Soules is a straight up coward. We’re all going to Iowa!! I know at least one out of the seven people in that room are excited. 

The Des Moines tourism board should thank The Bachelor for the nice commercial they made as the intro for the trip to Iowa. Might as well had been the intro to 'Dallas.' 

Carly, “I didn’t expect Iowa to be this beautiful.” What does that even mean? She thinks it's just grass and cows? Des Moines has a population of 200,000. It's small but it's not that small.

The girls are staying at a Renaissance Hotel. Ok, maybe it's small.

Date Card - Jade, Join me in my hometown. I wonder what they're gonna do.

Arlington, IA

After a 3 hour drive from Des Moines, Jade finally arrives in Arlington, Iowa. Population: 429.

Jade, “Cows… Dirt road... Telephone pole… Wild grass… Holy shit. This is happening.” She sounds like my Grandma pointing out places while riding in the car with me. Starbucks… Payless… Wal-Mart… Subway…Applebees.

The car pulls up to his house. He most definitely lives on a farm. Hug, kiss, pick-up. Just spin her around while we’re at it, Soules.

Soules lives in a house that is exactly how I imagined it. I think I’ve been in that house every time I’ve been to a house in the Midwest that has a few acres of land.

Back at the Rennaisance – Britt is freaking out. She loves being the center of attention.

Date Card - Whitney, Let’s look for love in Des Moines. Britt is sad.

Chris and Jade cruise on his motorcycle through the strip of four blocks that makes up downtown Arlington. Seriously, the town is 1.05 square miles. I bet they don’t have computers in Arlington. How is this town surviving?

Jade, “Chris has a bit of insecurity of where he lives. It feels like a ghost town.” He should. There is literally nothing to do. 

Soules takes her to a high school football game at his old High School. Looks like the whole town is there. The name of his High School is Starmont High and their mascot is a Star because what else would it be?

Jade gets to meet his parents. Uh-oh, don’t tell Britt.

Don't you forget about me.

Soules is showing Jade around his high school. His name is on a wall somewhere. Small pond, indeed. 

Soules, “Jade told me she has a wild side. It’s important for me to see.” Foreshadowing.

Jade, “I don’t feel ready to tell him, yet. It’s (playboy spread) hard to talk about.” Kissy-kissy outside of his HS English class room. Soules, “It’s more like French.” Bro, come on.

They come back to the football game which is still going on They just left in the middle of the game?! The football game is only one of a few things you can do in Arlington to kill time instead of staring out at your dirt road and telephone pole!! Why would you leave?!

The Starmont Stars lost, but Soules is winning as he kisses Jade with the crowd cheering. Kissy-kissy. The biggest cheers of the night. His parents are so proud. 

Whitney 1-on-1:

Run, hug, pick-up, kiss.

Their date consists of going around Des Moines taking pictures or whatever floats their boat. I’ve never seen someone so excited to take pictures of Des Moines as Whitney is.

Soules’ laugh and Whitney’s voice are a match made in a small town in Iowa. They just kiss all around the city while taking pictures. Whitney, “When I’m with Chris it just feels right.”

Someone is in love.

Back at the Renaissance – Jade is regaling them of the whole night and what the city is like. Britt is crying. THAT WAS MY DATE!! Kaitlyn’s look of disgust is the best. Kaitlyn for Bachelorette!

The girls are thinking about road tripping to Arlington. How? How are they gonna get there? Oh, they just have a Tahoe waiting for them. Ok, that's convenient. ROAD TRIP!! Carly is driving. “Arlington here we come!!”

The girls arrive in Arlington, cue the cheesy music and tumbleweed. “Is this the main road. Did we pass the town.” HAHAHA!! Britt’s mouth is agape. But I was under the impression that she loved Arlington from the previews. Britt wouldn’t lie or attempt to act, would she?

Everything is closed. It’s a Saturday. How is everything closed? Even the church is closed. Guess you gals can’t confess your sins today. Wait a minute, they ran in to the Pastor. Maybe they can!

Britt, “It’s just so much smaller than I thought it would be.” Phrasing.

Back to Whitney. She feels like she fits in. I wonder if Arlington has a need for any fertility nurses? Humans, not cows.

3 of Chris’ friends show up before dinner and Whitney gets to meet them! Don’t tell Britt.

She gets a little bit of questioning from Soules’ friends.  Not questions like ‘Who’s your favorite Friend? Obviously, Phoebe. Or, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' To get away from your voice. No, she got tougher real-life questions. Seriously? This would never happen this soon organically.

Britt

Date Card - Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn: Icy our future together.

Carly, “We’re going ice skating.” Britt, “OMG, I’m a terrible ice skater.” Carly has had enough of Britt’s shit. So much so that she makes a hand puppet of Britt and talks to it. Now who's crazy?

Hugs for Whitney from Soules’ friends. Way to go Whitney! You won their hearts! Whitney tells Chris about her mom passing away and that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father, either. Tough family times for Whitney. I wonder if she told the other girls in the house her sob story. And when she did, she totally did, how come we didn't get it shoved down our throats like the other sob stories in the house? Hmmm....

Soules, “Everytime I’m with Whitney she impresses me more.” Soules is sold.

She wants to get married to someone who has great parents so she can call someone Mom and Dad again. Awwww…

One of the pictures they took was made into a mural on a wall in Des Moines. Chris laughs and Whitney screams out in joy. My ears! Then he picks her up and she wraps her legs around him in front of 100 people. Tacky. And she’s wearing leather pants. Double tacky.

The next day Whitney tells Becca and Jade about their date. They’re best friends, y’all! Not like there’s a man on the line or anything. Jade is sad. 

Jade tells Carly that she did a Playboy spread. Carly’s eyes bug out of her face. Jade's father found out from his co-workers that she did nudes. HA! Imagine that phone call. She doesn’t want Chris to find out from someone else like that. Yeah, show and tell time is coming.

Group Date:

Ice hockey time!

Britt – hug, pick up, wrap legs around Chris. Repeat.

Throw on the skates, ladies! Kaitlyn, the Canadian, better skate circles around these fools. She doesn't. You're not Canadian, Kaitlyn! Everyone's hockey skills are sub par. Nothing to see here.

Britt takes Chris aside. Kissy-kissy. She tells him that they went to his hometown of Arlington the previous day. He’s obviously nervous about it. Britt totally lies to him about her possibly wanting to live there. Carly, being interviewed, sees through it again. Damn it! She’s so rational and logical. Why is she here?!

Britt, “I felt like it’s a wonderful place to build a family.” She’s not wrong. She’s lying about what kind of involvement she wants to have with that town, but she’s not wrong.

Carly takes Chris aside to tell him that Britt is full of shit. Uh-oh, don’t tell Soules anything!!! Carly tells Chris that she’s scared that he likes Britt and that he’s not getting the real Britt and will be heart broken later. Friend zone for Carly. That’s cool, she’s not gonna win anyway. She has won Americas heart, though. Soules has some soul searching to do.

Night time:

Britt says the week has been hard on her. He can’t stop thinking about what Carly said. Time to call her out. Soules, “What was your first impression of my town?”  Britt, “I wanna be, no matter where I live, in love.” Kissy-kissy. Stick your tongue down his throat, that’ll make him stop asking about how you felt about Arlington.

Kaitlyn, about Soules, “He’s not an idiot. He isn’t.” Welllllll....

Kaitlyn gets some 1-on-1 time. She seems over this process. She knows that he’s into other chicks ahead of her and that she doesn’t have a shot. Don’t think so hard, Kaitlyn. 

Soules, “I feel like the luckiest man alive when I’m with you.” Is someone feeding him these lines? 

Rose for you, Kaitlyn. There's a jolt of self-esteem! I would pick her too if it meant I could go to Vancouver for two days.

Britt is distraught. She’s gonna lose it. I can’t wait!!! Back comes Kaitlyn with the rose and Chris behind her. Britt’s not having it. She is staring him down! Let’s do this!!!

It’s showtime!!!

Chris, “It’s tough. You are all amazing women.”  Awkward. Police sirens in the background. Editing, you can’t get rid of those in post? Don't you dare tell me you added those in.

Britt, “I was begging for validation and it’s hard for me to not get that.” Carly is just looking away from this train wreck. If Britt’s not 1^st every time she throws a fit. Chris is just mumbling. You know, Britt, you can still get a rose. You've seen how this game is played. You've seen drama lose every time with the previous castaways. Relax or no rose for you.

Chris, “I’m not sure the position you’re trying to put me in right now.” Walk away, Chris. Go get some sleep.

Britt is just being a baby about this. Carly, “If anyone should be worried about this it’s Carly Waddell.” Truth. Carly is pretty excited about how well that went. Britt showing her true colors is probably gonna scare Chris away.

Next episode: 

No Cocktail Party! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Britt apologizes. Hometown visits.

Jade tells Chris about Playboy and shows him the photos. Best date ever!

Credits: 

Road trippin’! Becca, “I don’t think I’ve ever read a map.” Kids these days!

Don't Tell a Soules. S19, Ep6.

To Be Continued...

EMT, "Kelsey? Where are you? Are you ok?" The other girls are washing their hair. They're over it. 

Kaitlyn, “Bitches be crazy.” That's what I've been screaming!

So much moaning and weird crying. Kelsey is definitely acting. I’m sure of it.

Carly, “It’s a tactical move.” I sunk your Battleship!!

Kelsey asks for Chris. Ha! Just go all out, I guess. Here comes the farmer to save the damsel in distress.

OMG! Kelsey blames Soules, somewhat passive aggressively, for her panic attack because he told the girls at the Rose Ceremony about her going to his room and playing the Sanderson Poe card. And he just lets it go! What? Is she for real? I can't stop asking myself this. I have stronger words for Kelsey but they’d be inappropriate. Kids read this blog. Like 5 year olds read it. Eat your vegetables. Also, don't tell Soules anything. More on that later.

Kelsey is done with her ‘panic attack.’ She’s fine now. All better.

Whitney doesn't envision Chris giving Kelsey a rose because of her panic attack. Sweet, sweet Whitney. Kelsey is getting a rose. Put in the bank.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses go to:

Carly

Becca

Britt

Jade

Kaitlyn

Ashley I.

Whitney

Megan

AAAHHH!!! FINAL ROSE!!!

Samantha speaks!!

21 year old Mackenzie is freaking out. IF I DON'T GET THAT LAST ROSE MY LIFE IS OVER!!

Kelsey gets the final rose! Carly, “Kelsey is a black widow.” I think you mean she knows black magic. But, whatever. Good bye Mackenzie and Samantha. Bon voyage. Your month long vacation ends in Santa Fe.

Commercial – NEIL LANE!!

Soules, “I am not here looking for drama. I’m here looking for a wife.” You came to the wrong place, my friend.

The gang is going to Deadwood, South Dakota. The Bachelor is apparently on a budget this season. Wonder what there is to do in Deadwood? Oh, a photo shoot with Soules. And screaming out from the balcony, "Hello Deadwood!!" Seems like a fun town.

Kelsey and Britt hanging on the patio, chit chatting. Kelsey is so weird. "I don’t have to be the ‘Widow.’" Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, Kels. You've been pigeon-holed.

Date Card

1-on-1 goes to Becca. Our Virgin from San Diego. Man, you can get pigeon holed pretty quick on this show. Gotta follow the narrative.

Card reads: Let’s Give Love A Shot.

"Yay! We’re so happy for you, Becca. You totally deserve this date!" <Gritting teeth>

Kelsey isn’t happy. She’s gonna go full on Kathy Bates in Misery on Chris. I can see it. What better place to do it than Deadwood? Tie Chris up, take out his legs, and go about your day.

Commercial – Kevin Costner Disney movie about running. Nope.

Becca's date begins with some horseback riding. Soules, “She’s a natural at riding horses.” She sure don't ride that dad gum horse like a virgin.

Ha! This horse riding music! I wish I had sweet background music on my horse riding dates in South Dakota.

Back at the house. Carly, “Kelsey’ is not a nice girl.” WE KNOW!

Whitney, “Easy for her to play the victim.” ENOUGH!

Time to question Kelsey. Yeah! Call her out! Kaitlyn, Whitney and Carly are coming at her, sort of. Get her, girls! Kelsey has never had a panic attack in her entire life. "It was terrifying." How do you know if you've had one?

Carly, “Chris is seeing something else than what we’re seeing.” Kelsey is stunned. She has nothing but "respect and admiration for them." Remember when she said that to 24 year old party girl earlier when she came back for a second chance? I do. We can't forget that this woman is a Guidance Counselor. 

Kelsey, "I’m blessed with eloquence. And I’m articulate and I use a lot of big words. Because I’m smart.” At least she’s humble and has humility. She came into this show thinking that she was better than everyone and she still does. The pattern started at the camping date 2 weeks ago and has continued since then. She needs to go.

Kelsey “I didn’t go on this show to, you know, be defeated and lose sight of my ultimate dream.” On the other hand, I kinda wanna see what happens if she stays longer.

Back on the boring Becca date.

Soules, “Becca is fantastic. It's the most easy, real date I’ve been on.” Kaitlyn and Costco beg to differ.

Soules, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Dammit, Chris! No! Bad Chris!

He wants 4-6 kids. Damn, dude! Maybe you should of kept Mackenzie. You're gonna need those young ovaries.

Becca, “I’m most insecure in relationships.” Oh, like everyone else ever in life!

Back at the house:

Date Card: Let's Make Sweet Music Together

Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan

2 on 1 goes to Kelsey and Ashley I. And BOOM! goes the dynamite. Let the fun begin!

Ashley is excited have the 2 on 1. She thinks she has that rose in the bag. Look, you gotta be confident. Don't show any weakness!

Becca and Soules with Country tunage in the background. That date must’ve been so boring to film. I feel for ya, cameramen/producers/editors/America.

Becca loves his laugh. "Can’t live without it." Give it a few weeks and I bet you’ll change your tune.

Virgin #2 gets a rose. And a kiss!! Kissy-kissy. You are officially the last person to be kissed by Soules. Congratulations!

Group Date:

Kaitlyn sprints towards Chris. Me first! Me first!

Let's see, how can we embarrass these girls on the group date this time? I know, country music songwriting and singing competition.

Megan, from Nashville, is excited. She's excited because she's from a place that has Country music? She's good at logic.

The girls are gonna be getting some pointers from none other than Country Music Superstars Big & Rich!! Guess they weren't too busy. Name a song after Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)... I'm waiting.

Big and Rich are here looking like a couple of traveling psychedelic doctors from the Old West. 

Carly is fired up cause she’s a singer and it’s what she does.

Jade is on the ‘strugglebus’ with the song writing. Jade, “It’s hard to write a love song about someone who’s clearly into someone else.” Makes sense.

Big, or is it Rich(?), decides to take Jade for a quick jog through Deadwood and the tumbleweeds. This’ll help her find her muse.

Britt and Soules making goo-goo gah-gah faces with each other. Can Britt make her head go back any further while looking at Soules? She’s like a pez dispenser. All the other girls are noticing how into Britt. Chris is. Deadwood, more like Awkwood. Amirite? Or amirite?

Talent show time!

Maybe some beer will help the girls loosen their singing inhibitions.

Soules is up first. Big and Rich calling him out for his lack of countryness. Soules, “Board up your windows everyone cause it’s gonna get bad, real bad.” It’s bad. But the girls love it. It’s the funniest thing ever. HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHA, Chris. You’re adorable. Put babies in me. Pick me! Pick me!

Britt’s turn. Chris is impressed by her average voice.

Kaitlyn is rapping. She don't care. Next Bachelorette NOW!

Megan is from Nashville.

Carly brings Soules up on stage and rocks his world. Maybe Carly for next Bachelorette. Nah, I wouldn't want to do that to her.

Last up, Jade. She does fine. Cletus, the banjo guy, what did you think? "It’s a hoe-down! No, wait, it's a hootenanny!"

2-on-1 Date Card:

2 girls, one rose, one stays, one goes. Let’s have good times in The Badlands.

Kelsey, “I love the badlands.” Oh really? You been to The Badlands? Cause I have. Her nervous energy is so creepy. She killed Sanderson Poe.

Night time with the 6 ladies.

Pep talk from Soules. Cheers.

1-on-1 time w/ Jade. Jade, “That was hard for me.” Soules, “That was hard for me.” That’s the point!

Jade, “I can see being in Iowa.” <Cough> Bullshit! <Cough> Bullshit!

Carly, “Why is there no rose?” Oh, did you do well in a challenge today or something?

1-on-1 w/ Kaitlyn. Those tattoos on her triceps are annoying.

Alone time with Britt. Soules LOVES Britt. Wait, where are they running to? A Big and Rich show? What? They’re, like, my favorite country band! They have that one song, and...

VIP treatment to a “packed out” auditorium in which they walk right through to the front with ease. It’s ain’t packed out Britt. You live in Hollywood, go to the Palladium sometime.

Who’s doing a show in Deadwood? There was no one in town earlier. All of them must have been at the packed out auditorium this afternoon. He gives her a rose up on stage. Soules is starting to piss me off. Just cancel the rest of the show. It’s over.

The rest of the girls are gonna be pissed!! Capital 'P' pissed.

Oh, I know that song! Awkward dancing from Britt and Soules. ♫ Save a horse, ride a farmboy. ♫

Here comes the happy couple, Britt with a rose. They've been gone for over an hour. Yup, the girls aren’t happy. What is he doing? Be smarter, man! You should just leave, dude. Get outta there! He's out... Okay, ladies. Get to talking. Britt was the only one happy with him. These girls are livid.

Apologies from Britt. No reason to apologize. Keep doing your thing, Britt.

Megan, “Where did you go.” Britt, “We went to a big and rich show.” KABLOOM!! 

All the girls, “But she doesn’t even like Country or Big & Rich!” She doesn't deserve that date, you guys.

Carly feels invisible. Tears. Go get that pint of Haagen Dazs. THAT you deserve.

Tears from Kaitlyn. Serious question, if you work on the show and are present while filming, how do you not laugh at this? I know you end up being friends with the contestants in the long run but they all know it’s a joke. Right? RIGHT?

Whitney feels insecure cause Britt is so beautiful. I mean, how do you compete with that?! Might as well give up at life. It's hard enough that you're almost 30.

2-on-1 Date!!!

2 Girls, 1 Chris.

Oddly enough, this happened to be the subject of last weeks poll question. Who would I choose? Virgin or Heart Attack Widow. Take it to the pie chart! You chose 'Virgin,' with a total of 69% (nice) of the vote. Let's see who Chris goes with.

Ashley, “I’m so excited to kick Kelsey’s ass.” I say they both go home. Leave ‘em in the Badlands.

Kelsey is soooo genuinely excited when she sees Chris. Run, hug, pick up. Neither of these girls have chemistry with Soules. Can’t wait to see them try so hard to make it happen.

Cruising around Mount Rushmore in a chopper. Kelsey names all the presidents on the monument cause she’s super smart. Don’t hate.

Ashley, “With Kelsey. I. Just. Can’t. Even.” I. Can't. Even. Either. With. Either. Of. You.

Soules, "You guys are making this place a lot more beautiful.” Nice, Soules. You been practicing that one?

Soules takes Ashley out for a little walk. She goes right in for the kissing. Easy there, Virgin. Shit talking about Kelsey, “We think she’s kinda fake.” Soules appreciates that. Does he?

Ashley is telling him about Kelsey and her two-faceness. She's not telling him for her, but for the house. How cavalier. Ashley is feeling pretty confident. Wouldn’t you if you thought you looked like a Kardashian?

Kelsey's turn!

“I’m prepared to be your wife because I’ve been one.” She’s nutso. She’s even talking down to him. She should be fired from her job as a 'guidance counselor' just from what I've seen on this show.

Remember when I said earlier that Chris can't be told anything, well he tells Kelsey what Ashley just told him. That she’s being fake and dramatic. DON'T TELL CHRIS ANYTHING! That saying, 'Don't tell a soul,' was born because of Chris Soules.

Kelsey, about Ashley, "I thought that we could be friends." She has no self-awareness.

Kelsey, to Soules, "Don’t let go of all the potential we could have because of Girl Talk." The DJ?

She’s hurt that she got thrown under the bus. Kelsey, "She’s a Kardashian who wants to be a princess and wears way too much makeup. I’m not playing a game." Claws are out!

Kelsey comes back to the bed in the middle of The Badlands where Ashley is sitting and just stares at her while Ashley sips chardonnay. Oh god, what did I just type?!

Kelsey, “I know what you did.” Aahhh, Guidance Counselor tactics. She's gonna smoke her out. This is gonna work on Ashley cause she's 15.

What’s great about the 2-on-1 date is that you can be as mean to the other girl as you want. You won’t see them again until the Women Tell All. Go nuts, ladies.

Kelsey, “She needs to go home and play dress up.” You got got, Ashley I.! Go home and be a princess! You told her, Kelsey.

Ashley runs crying to Soules. “Why did you tell her what I said to you?” Chris consoles her. Ashley should just leave. She won’t.

Ashley, “unintelligible mumbling.” I don’t see her makeup running. Now, THAT’S amazing.

Soules, “I feel like at this point in my life we are at different places.  I can’t give you the lifestyle that you really want.” Wear less makeup and then he can give you the lifestyle you want.

She brings up Britt. Go down swinging Ash! 

Ashley is walking away... Wait... She's coming back. “Are you kidding me, Chris?!”

Smiles from Kelsey.

Back at the house, Intern girl comes and takes Ashley’s luggage. You let the other girls down, Ashley I.

Whitney is confused. "If he likes Kelsey how can he possibly like me? We're too different." Man. The girls are too invested in this guy to think rationally.

Ashley crying some more. Still no mascara run. This isn't her first rodeo.

Soules goes back to Kelsey, "I don’t know if you know this, but I just sent Ashley home.” HAHAHA!! Yeah, Chris. I think she knows.

Kelsey, “It’s a loss.” What a bitch! Is she for real? So damn smug and uppity.

Soules is gonna send her home, too. Do it! Sack up! He’s doing it! Come on!

Soules, “The best thing I can do is be honest with you. I hate this situation. I feel like you deserve someone who’s 110% in and I can’t be that for you." Rejection hurts, Kels. “Take Care.”

I’ll leave you here on this bed in the middle of nowhere while I hop in the chopper.

Ashley and Kelsey have to find their way back on their own, yes? Who eats who? Why is this not part of the show? The Bachelor: Naked and Afraid.

Intern girl grabs the other bag from the house. Joy throughout the house! “Chris is so smart.” “Let’s get drunk!”  Celebrate good times, come on! It's a celebration.... You girls do know that you're all competing against each other still, yeah? Who's gonna get ganged up on next. Gotta be Britt.

Next week:

2 days of Bachelor. Dammit!!!!! Nooooo!!!!! What happened to my life?!?!?!

Sunday - Rose ceremony in Deadwood?! We still have to get rid of someone?

Off to Iowa. “I can totally live here.” Oh, really?

Britt crying. Yes! Britt drama. Be crazy for daddy.

Monday - Jade did some nude modeling for Playboy. What? I for one am shocked! I have not looked on the internet one bit for her 6 minute and 22 second video of her stripping and telling us about her sexual experiences with women. Not one iota. Nada. Nope, not me.

Credits:

Becca and Chris do some shooting. She’s a natural. At least with editing she is.

Just Breathe. S19, Ep5.

We are finally leaving Los Angeles. Off to Santa Fe, New Mexico! Santa Fe, "Holy Faith" in Spanish, is the oldest capital in the US. It has a population of 67,000. Notable residents include Gene Hackman, George R.R. Martin, Judge Reinhold, and Kenny Rogers. Suck it, Albuquerque!

Soules, already in Santa Fe, “It seems like the perfect place to fall in love.” Seems, Chris. Seems.

Back in LA, Harrison lets the ladies know that they are heading to Santa Fe! I'm sorry, where? Megan has never been there. She thinks it’s a beach resort place and they wear sombreros. She’s a simple girl. She likes simple things.

Producers, "Soules, see that bridge over there? go sit on it and look pensive." 

The girls are staying at a Casino. Buffalo something. Exchange? Stance? I don't know. What I do know is that this better lead to one of the girls having a gambling problem. My money is on Kaitlyn.

Girls, "Hey Hey Hey Hey. To finding love in Santa Fe." Cheers!

1-on-1 w/ Carly

Let’s come together… That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Carly is stoked. Go change your clothes girl, you got a date!

Run to Soules, hug, pick up, kiss. Repeat.

Soules and Carly enter a home, “Hello! We're here!” A woman, whose name is so ridiculous I'm not gonna even give it the time of day, is meditating in back. She needs to meditate that nose ring out of her face. There's an age ceiling for those things and she's past it.

She’s a Love and Intimacy Mentor. Which is a job title that looks like something one of the girls should have. She's essentially A Love Guru. She might actually be related to Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker. Probably has a higher success rate than Patti.

It's time to do some intimacy exercises. Light the sage and let's get weird! Soules, “I don’t think this happens in Iowa.” They’re getting smoked out by the sage. Ohhhhmmmmm… Ohhhhmmmmm…. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Carly, time to blindfold Chris. It's about time! We haven't had a blindfolding in 2 weeks. Where's the firing squad? Somehow this is the new 'racy' thing that the show is doing. 50 Shades of Grey, I got my eyes on you.

Touch Chris. Be curious. Explore his body. Smell him. Eat this chocolate strawberry, Chris. It’s totally natural. Nothing weird about this at all. Oh, the cameras? Ignore the cameras.

Chris, “She's a sex guru.” Whoa! Is that the wheelbarrow position or some downward dog?! Save that for when you go back to Iowa, you two. Middle America learned that move from Miley and Robin Thicke.

Carly isn’t entirely comfortable here. She makes note of it being their 1st date. I love you Carly. So rational.

Off go the outer robes, aka 'clothing masks.' It’s getting a lot more awkward in here. Off come the pants? Slowly. Slower. Sloooowwer. Alright, this is getting too weird. Mike Myers, "Instead of taking off your pants, talk." This time Chris actually strings a few words together to make sentences. 

Someone has done a number on Carly. She hasn't felt wanted in a looooong time. Soules, "You are worthy.” It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

Straddle time. Only rule is no kissing. Oh, like a prostitute.

Easy there, Soules. He's excited. How close are these mics to their heaving mouths? Did they just get done doing wind sprints? What the hell is going on?  Kissy-kissy. Hey!! Sex Guru Patti Stanger said no kissing! And a TWO drink maximum!

Night time w/ Carly. Fireplace? Check. A dozen rugs? Check. 90 pillows? Check. Wine and Cheese? Check. It can't get any easier than this, Soules.

Carly, “It was like date seven, instead of date one.” She hasn’t been intimate with someone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend would never touch her. Never wanted to be physical. Poor, Carly. She needs to be touched. Chris, touch her. But not physically. Touch her heart. Touch her mind. Touch her soul. Be her Love Guru.

Carly, "How has it been hard for you to be open?" Carly is making too much sense and asking normal relationship questions. Stop being rational!! This is not why I watch the show!

Soules makes her feel really "good and special." Kissy-kissy. Rose for Carly! More kissy-kissy.

Soules, “She has everything inside that I could ask for in a woman.”

Group Date:

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, Kelsey.

I’m Rapidly Falling in Love.... They’re going to Cedar Rapids, Iowa!!!! Soules wishes. J/K, we're going rafting! Don't worry ladies, you can still cake on your makeup as much as you want on this date.

Rise and shine, ladies. Slather on that makeup and throw on your best pair of lululemon's! We're going outside!!

The rafting guide, possibly a gold miner, is named Sisqo (Cisqo, Cisco). Let me see that thong, tha, thong, thong, thong. Sorry about that. 

Good lord, ladies. Relax with the makeup. The date card did not say "Just Clownin’ Around.”

Aaaand, here we go. Into the water, getting a little more bumpy. Whoops! Out of the raft goes Jade. She gets the black box treatment as they reel her back in. I know what's behind that black box.

Jade does not do well with cold. Her body goes into hypothermia when it’s below 69 degrees. Soules is rubbing her feet to keep her alive. Warm her up Chris! I’m about to. Warm her up Chris! That’s what I was born to do... That should make up for the Thong Song reference.

Night time with the group – Rose on the table. Must. Have. The. Precious.

On Soules' walk to the night time festivities he runs into Drunk Jordan. She came back for more! Or does she work at the casino? Nope, she drove from Colorado. How many DUIs did you get on the drive out? If Soules let’s her back in! I don’t know what, but something.

The girls are worried cause Soules hasn't showed up yet. Thank God they can stare at each other’s turquoise necklaces.

Soules, “You drank too much, Jordan.”

He’s bringing her back. What?! This effing guy.

He’s keeping her around for the night. HAHAHA! Spineless!

Ashley is pissed. Surprise! Shut up, Ashley. No one wants to hear it.

Jordan is trying to explain herself to the girls and they ain’t having it.

Becca, to Soules, “Are you overwhelmed by this?” What do you think, Becca? Have you been watching the show?

The girls are letting Soules know one by one that he needs to tell Jordan to take a hike.

Ashley is spitting straight truth about not wanting to have Jordan there. But Whitney just wants everyone to be nice to her. Ashley’s B-face is strong.

Jade, “Chris, are you ok?” Translation: Tell Jordan to take a hike.

Back at the Hotel - Carly to Britt, “You need to shower.” Britt doesn’t shower? Carly rocks.

Date Card for Britt

Sky’s the Limit...

But she’s afraid of heights! Maybe you should have thought about that when they asked you what your fears were months ago on The Bachelor questionnaire. Britt is sobbing she's so terrified of being terrified by heights. ACTING! 

Back to the Group Date - Chris let’s Jordan go home for an embarrassing 2nd time. Buh-bye. 5 minutes of your 15 are up. Good luck. On your way. Thanks for wasting a segment. Contestants, don't go back for more. Just don't. It's annoying and we forget you just as easily. You're just a cog in The Bachelor machine. Replaceable.

Hugs and kisses with Jordan.

Kelsey to Jordan, “I’ll always admire you.” Is she for real? You’re a guidance counselor!! What is Kelsey’s deal?

Megan gets a Soules hug cause she's crying that a friend in Megan came and left so soon. You want a hug? Get to crying!

Rose goes to Whitney, who is here for the right reasons. Her voice also isn’t as bad as it was when I first heard it. She's growing on me.

Kaitlyn, after the rose was handed out, “Who’s pissed.” She better be the next bachelorette.

Ashley is crying to Megan. She’s seriously the worst. Now she's talking to Mackenzie. Maybe don’t go to the 21 year old if you want some decent advice. Just a thought.

1-on-1 w/ Britt

It’s 4:30 am. Soules is in the girl's room and he's gonna wake up Britt. Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey. Get dressed Britt. kissy-kissy. Carly hears all this in the dark. Yup, that'll totally make her self-esteem go up. You're just like the rest, Soules!! 

Britt woke up in full makeup. Doesn’t shower but sleeps in her makeup? If you're being filmed all day you'd do weird things, too. Be ready for anything, I guess.

She is just staring him down on the drive to a hot air balloon. OMG! She’s excited about it. Got over that fear of heights pretty quickly there, didn’t we?

Britt, “This is probably the best date of my life.” The dates are all downhill from here, Britt.

Kissy-kissy.

Britt, “I feel like Chris is my boyfriend.” Stage 5.

Britt and Chris go back to his room. Britt goes right to the bed. Signs, signs, everywhere the signs.

The girls are all talking shit about Britt while she is on her date.

Carly, “On a scale of one to manipulative, Britt is… what's above manipulative.” She's awesome. Oh, man. Now Carly is tearing up wondering if Chris still likes her since she heard him kissing Britt earlier. Will someone please touch Carly!

Britt gets a rose.

Britt and Soules are rolling in bed. Under some covers. Close the bedroom doors, Chris. Scandalous!

Say what?! Did you say 'nap?'

Here comes Britt, back to the girl's room, with the rose. Bitches be jelly! Britt, "We went back to his room for a few hours and took a nap." Oh SHIT!!! Play the game, girl. Naps are serious biz!

Kelsey, feeling the need to let Soules know that she was married to a man named Sanderson Poe, goes to his room. "He needs to hear my story." Cuz that worked out so well for Juelia. 

Kelsey regales us with a story of how Sanderson died of a heart attack. She’s really laying it on thick. Tears, pauses, voice inflection. She’s totally told this story before to get something. Is she an actor like Britt, too? Kissy-kissy. Kelsey, "It was a perfect 1st kiss." Ick!

Kelsey, being interviewed, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic but amazing.” She is something else. That's some demented shit right there. She’s crazy. Like, for reals crazy. The craziest one in the house. Bat guano.

Cocktail Party?

Half these girls are going to prom.

Samantha speaks!

Kelsey, “I’m feeling very comfortable.” Whitney sees through her BS.

CHRIS IS HERE!!!! YAY!!!!

Samantha speaks, again!!!!

Soules, to the girls, “Kelsey and I had a conversation.” Uh-oh. Is Chris having a panic attack?  He should try the breathing exercises that he learned from the Sex Guru. He leaves the room and won't come back for the rest of the show.

Soules, to Harrison, “This is harder than I wanted it to be.” Harrison, “It always is.” Phrasing.

Tensions are high. Kelsey lets the other girls in on what she did earlier in going to Soules' room. She’s deranged. “I had to honor Sanderson.” I bet he’s thrilled.

She’s talking like a lunatic. All of it. Her choice of words. The calm, patronizing manner in which she's saying those words. Her 'I'm bettrr than you' tone. I'd have a hard time not laughing at her if I was one of the other girls.

Kelsey, “I’m not going. I mean, I don’t know if I’m going.” Nice recovery. I think you fooled 'em.

owhHere comes Harrison. This is the most action he's gotten this season. “Chris is extremely emotional tonight. His mind is made up.” Dun. Dun. Dun.

Soules decides there WON'T BE A COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT!!!  WHAT?!! NOOOO?!!! I needs my cocktails!

Ashley is moaning about how her story isn’t as traumatic as Kelsey’s.  Heart Attack Widow vs. Virginity. I know who I would choose.

Hmmm.... Which one would I take? 

Take this poll. I'll reveal results next week. POLL 

Kelsey doesn’t want to go to the Rose Ceremony. "It’s scary."  She thinks that the Cocktail Party is cancelled because of her story. Probably.

Down goes Kelsey! Down goes Kelsey! She’s having a panic attack. Pull it together, Kelsey!

EMT Diane, “Kelsey. Do you remember your name.” Kelsey, is it Kelsey?!

The girls have zero shits to give about Kelsey.

TO BE CONTINUED.... We were watching anyway!

Next week:

Crying. 2 on 1 date. Ashley crying. Poor Soules.

Credits:

Megan doing the Macarena and wearing a ‘fancy’ sombrero. Ya know. New Mexico. Mexico. Duh.

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