Are You Comfortable? S18, Ep3

Reading time: 10 mins.

Hope everyone had a great MLK Day, I know I did.  I’m a few IPAs down and I’m ready to rock.  Let’s do this!  What, you think I watch this sober?  Think again, muchachos!

Wakey, wakey, ladies.  It’s time for some coffee and Juanny P. gossip before Chris Harrison makes an appearance to dole out the 1^st solo date with Juanny. P.  Geez, Chris.  What are you wearing, dude?  An un-tucked long sleeve shirt (black top, blue bottom) that you can’t even buy on his clothing website.  It’s that bad.

Bring out the envelope.  Me, me, me, me.  I want to read it.

Date 1: Juan-on-One with Cassandra

Hi. I'm Rodney.

Quick fun bio on Cassandra: She’s a lithe 21 year old former Detroit Pistons dancer who has a 2 year old son with Detroit Pistons player Rodney Stuckey.  He’s been playing well of late (put up 29 points last night) and is in the final year of a 3 year, $28.5 million contract.  Nowhere in the Detroit Pistons Dancer FAQs does it answer the question “Can I have sex with the players?”  So I guess it’s ok. Baby momma is gonna be fine.  Put on a smile, Rodney.

OK!  Let’s hop in a limo and go see Juanny P.!  Man, does this guy know how to treat a lady or what?  He pulls out all the stops, on his dime.  Thanks ABC.

Juanny P. and Cassandra go for a drive in a car.  No big deal, right?  Until he decides to drive the car straight into the water.  Okay, who let Juanny P. drive?!  Oh, whoa!  The car turns into a boat.  A boat that has some giddy-up.  They are really cruising in this thing, and it’s kind of loud.  “ISN’T IT GREAT HAVING A CONVERSATION ON THIS CAR-BOAT!!!“ ...  “QUE!” ...  "I SAID! OH, NEVERMIND!"

Bikini-time for Cassandra!  Juanny P. is getting some action.  Bow Chicka-wow-wow.  God bless this horned up 32 year old homophobe for getting some 21 year old action.  If you didn’t hear, Juanny P. doesn’t want to see gays on TV.  What a Dingus.  But, he does have gay friends, so, ya know.  No offense.  Offense taken.

Back at Juanny P's Pad we take a look at drawings and paintings that his kid made on the fridge.  They’re terrible!  Rainbows?  Animals?  Played out!  Did a 5 year old draw these?  Be original.  Ugh, kids.

They dance while some awful, obviously dubbed over salsa music is being played over whatever they are actually dancing to.  Lame!  What kind of music does he listen too?!  I need to know!  I have to judge. I get it, ABC would probably have to pay for us to listen to whatever they are playing.

Cassandra casually mentions that she hasn’t had a date in 3 years.  She’s buzzed off the Zima and talking about malted milk balls.  This is painful.  Here are some pictures of my kid.  Oh man, kill me now.  She brought actual pics of her son but Juanny P. gets to show her pics of his kid on his phone.  Why does he get a phone?  No phones for anyone!

 

This is getting awkward.  Look, she’s really pretty, but she’s also 21 years old.  Older people, do you remember what it was like being 21.  We thought we knew everything.  We didn’t.  We were idiots.  Absolute idiots.

Does she get a rose.  Of course!  Wait, what?  Juanny P. needs to know more about her, like "Who is your baby daddy and what does he do?” and "Would you like to join me in the fantasy suite?"  It’s seriously Awkwardsville.  That’s a real town, you guys.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion… Dog Lover Kelly has had some wine and thinks she deserves something.  

Group date card!

NEXT!

Date 2: Group Date

Soccer time!  Juanny P. is psyched!  He’s in his element.  Soccer! Kicking! Guitar Riffs!  YEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Juanny P. tells us that he gave up soccer when his daughter was born.  Ugh, kids ruin everything.

Andi is impressed that he is playing on the same field that David Beckham played on.  Does she really know that?  He must be on a banner outside on the concourse somewhere.  Bend it like Juanny P.!

Juanny P. is sweaty and the girls like that.  The girls are in short shorts and Juanny P. likes that.  The ten girls play a little game of 5-on-5.  Nikki does a decent Brandi Chastain impression after scoring a goal, sans taking off her shirt.  HAND BALL!  HAND BALL!  REFEREE JUANNY P.  DO SOMETHING!  WHAT?!  NO PENALTY KICK!  Now Juanny P. is playing with the blue team.  These rules are awful.  We must have rules here or else or Bachelor society is going to crumble

Commercial

Next Sunday, the most exciting wedding ever!  Sean and Catherine from season 17.  Unless they have a chocolate fountain like they do at Golden Corral, I seriously doubt it.

Cocktail Party

Still at the Stubhub Center in Carson, CA where they have free reign.  Nikki’s legs came to play tonight.  Juanny P. tells her that his biggest fear is that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  Nikki tells Juanny P. that she doesn’t want to get hurt.  Neither of them wants to get hurt in the heart.  Juanny P. is starting to smell chum in the water.  No kiss.

Andi’s turn to play.  Juanny P. takes her behind a concession stand.  With sodas in tow, Juanny P. gets a little weird when he makes her go to the kitchen and cook something.  Probably nachos.  What, they're easy to make.  He’s sexist, homophobic, and plays soccer.  He’s a triple threat!

Sharleen and Juanny P. decide to head out to the 50 yard line.  Juanny P. thinks he’s Wooderson now.  "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. All right, all right, all right".  He tells Sharleen that she has “class.” That seems lost in translation after they flick their tongues back and forth at each other while the other girls' stares burn holes through them from the concourse above.  Andi is especially jealous.  Andi.  Babe.  Juanny P. is at Baskin-Robbins.  He needs to taste all 31 flavors.  There’s nothing wrong with having a sample of German Chocolate after Butter Pecan when you’re El Bachelor.

♫ Head games, 'til I can't take it anymore.  Head games, instead of makin' love.  Head games. ♫

All the girls think they should get a rose and they also don’t know if they will get one.  Juanny P. gives the group date rose to Nikki, whom he didn’t kiss.  Now the girls who kissed him are furious.  Relax ladies, you're gonna have to kiss him some more.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion… It's between two teachers, Chelsie and Elise, for the last date. Chelsie gets the Juan-on-one card.  “Do you trust me?”  Uh, oh.  Sounds like a Fear date.  Elise is jel.  Meow!

NEXT!

Date 3:  Juan-on-One with Chelsie

Chelsie, like Cassandra, proclaims that she hasn’t had a date in, like, forever.  C’mon fellas, Chelsie cleans up real nice.

Date starts with him picking up Chelsie in ‘his’ BMW 7 series.  They are jamming to Spanish music.  What the hell is going on?  They have imaginary maracas.  Stop. Stop. Stop.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion... Elise, 27, is talking to Cassandra, 21, about Chelsie, 24, being to young. Elise will not be teaching her children about logic.

Back to Chelsie and Juanny P.  They go to a Venezualan area in LA for some food.  Juanny P. is impressed with Chelsie because she can eat.  Well, it’s time to throw all that up Chelsie, it’s Fear date time!  Let’s Bungee!!!  Chelsie, just do it!  Fear dates are the best.  You get to stay a little while longer.  It’s an easy rose.  He’s practically giving you that rose.  

Cool hat, dude.

The Bungee jump coach appears to be wearing this hat, with a goatee.  Extreme!  He also loves Diet Dew and Doritos.  Can he be the next bachelor?  I’ll start the petition.

Juanny P. is even scared a little.  Two heartbeats pounding together.  Do it Chelsie, it’s worth it!  He has to talk her into it.  There are tears.  Someone push them already.  Ahh, commercial.  I hate this show.

Still talking about jumping.  Zzzzzzz….  He’s talking her into it.  He does have a 5 year old.  You can talk 5 year olds into anything.  Not that I would know.  Juanny P. is very persuasive.  Or is he?  More talking.  Push them, golf hat bro.  Push them.  She’s kind of losing it.  One last attempt.  Okay.  SHE’S GONNA  JUMP!  Hooray!!! Television producers made sure that the jump was safe.  No one's getting hurt, Chelsie.  Upside down kiss, not like Spiderman though.  Alright, drag ‘em up.  Let’s go.  It was actually pretty epic.  And that’s why fear dates are the ones you want.  Chelsie closes with, “If we can jump off a bridge together I’m pretty sure we can get though anything.”  Exactly, Chelsie.  Exactly.

For the night-time portion of the date we are at City Hall in Pasadena.  “It’s like a movie scene.”  No shit, Chelsie.  Chelsie asks him what his biggest fear is.  It’s not being a good example to his kid.  You didn’t say that earlier.  Who are you lying to Juanny P.?  Yourself, that’s who.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion... Elise is still disappointed.  More talk about Chelsie being too young to Kat, 29.  Kat, “How old are you?”  Elise, “27.”  Kat gives her an eye roll.  Love you Kat Hurd.  BTW, Kat's the crazy one now.

Back to Chelsie.  That rose holds so much power.  Chelsie can’t stop looking at it.  Juanny P. appreciates her ‘courage’ and ‘trust’.  He gives her a rose.  Juanny P. looks tired.  It’s time for some sleep.

This date was the best day of Chelsie’s entire life.  But wait, there's more.  OK.  What the Fudge?  Is that Billy Currington?  That’s kind of a big country name.  His album has burned up the iTunes charts to #177. The Bachelor bump!  Last weeks artist, insert Russian last name here, is nowhere to be found on the top 200. Sad trombone.

Bungee jumping and Billy Currington is a pretty good day.  Awkward dancing ensues. Tiny forehead kisses. Okay, now it's time a siesta.

NEXT!

Pool Party

Juanny P. shows up to the mansion to make a Venezualan breakfast for the girls, basically eggs, tortillas, and pork.  The girls are probably all hungover from a hard day of tanning and margaritas.  Kelly is the first one up to walk her dog.  Juanny P scares the shit out of her.  She needs to put on her ‘face,' as she walks by Juanny P. holding her hand in front of her face so he doesn't see how hideous she is.  I think she looks fine.  These girls need to know that it’s not too early in their ‘realtionship’ to not wear makeup.  Not a big deal.  In fact, it's encouraged.

Cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a pool party.  Uh, where is Christy.  Oh, there she is.  No camera time for my girl.  Juanny P. is a smart man getting these girls into bikinis.  Dammit, the bachelor producers have me giving him credit now.

Chicken fight in the pool!  Kat is on Juanny P’s shoulders.  They are dominating.  It looks like she’s going to pop his head off with her thighs.  Dog Lover Kelly calls her a whore.  Woof! 

Sharleen the Ice Queen doesn’t want to be there.  I bet Juanny P. tries to talk her out of it.  Yup, he does.  He’s a caretaker.  He loves to help those who are in need and aren’t comfortable.  She’s no dummy either.  Sharleen the Ice Queen  knows how to play the game too.  Once these women see that Juanny P. likes to take care of people, he is putty in their hands.  Sharleen and Juanny P. share a long hug.  He has a pillow between his legs.  I would too.  They have a little kissy, kissy.  She is sexy, I’ll give her that. The other girls are across the pool.  Secrets, whispering, subtitles.  The girls hate Sharleen now.  Clare is starting to feel the pressure too.  Get used to it, kiddo.  It's starting to feel like Lord of the Flies at the Bachelor Mansion. Which one is Piggy?

“This isn’t an easy process.” says Clare   Put your game faces on ladies.  Clare is having a hard time being shared.  Clare brings her concerns to Juanny P.  He’s here to help you Clare, as Juanny P. settles into his “I’m listening” pose.  Personally, I just think these girls are really missing their phones.  So much time to kill.  They need their Candy Crush!  Surprise, after the talk Clare feels better!  That’s nice.

Chris Harrison shows up as they make the girls look into the sun at him and Juanny P.  Gotta get that lighting right.  Chris drags Juanny P. away.  Where’s Christy!?!  Nothing for her the last two episodes?!  Shame. She’ll move out to SoCal soon anyway.  They all do.  The Bachelor always turns these girls onto the SoCal lifestyle.

Rose Ceremony

Nikki, Chelsie, and Cassandra already have rosas.

Rose time after a  Juanny P. speech – Andi, Renee (mom), Kelly w/ her dog in tow.  No, no, no, no, no, no!  Get rid of her now!  Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli.  3 rosas to go!  Clare, Lauren.  1 left.  Oh, hey Chris. Danielle get’s the last rose.

Buh Bye, Christy and Lucy.  Bummer, it’s gonna be a boring two months.  We’ve lost most of the unstable women.  Juanny P. is taking this too damn seriously.  Sharleen and Kat may be our last hope.

Christy, don't cry.  I’ll miss you

Lucy takes off her heels for the walk of shame. I would do that too, but she probably doesn’t want to wear shoes at all.  She’s kind of normal during the exit interview when she’s not acting like such a free spirit.  Lucy has started to grow on me. After all, she is good friends with Kate Upton.  Would Kate Upton have super weird friends?  Probably.

Promo 

Sean and Catherine’s wedding.  Do we have to hear the sex talk?  "Earmuffs" next time, gah.

Credits

Chelsie is all giggly with Juanny P.  Dammit, Elise is right.

Next week, let’s go to the orient!  How do you say Juanny P. in Cantonese?

Have I mentioned that I hate myself?