I Ain’t Playin’ White Boy. S20, Ep3.

Did you miss me?! Didn’t think so. This blog may not be weekly but I’ll do it a few times. Not as many pictures this time. It's more work than I want to put in and I'm not in the mood. Ben is just soooo boring and the girls are soooo young and dumb. Remember when you were in your early 20's? You were a moron, right? Yeah. There’s a lot of that going on.  It’s a tough group to watch but I'll try to make it entertaining.

Here’s a few things you need to know about the show so far.

Ben, The Bachelor, is 26, handsome, and boring. Capital B. boring. He’s also from Indiana and a Cubs fan. Told you young people were morons.

The girls. Well, they love the prospect of finding false love and they are most definitely 'girls.' Except Amber. She’s 30 and back for a second go around for some reason. Is it out of desperation? Maybe it’s the want to be on tv? Or perhaps the ability to tell your High School class at the 15 year reunion that you were on The Bachelor twice? That’s probably it. That'll make your high school arch rival Ashley jealous. SHE WILL RUE THE DAY SHE EVER CALLED ME AN ATTENTION WHORE!!

Oh, and a bunch of girls have been given the old heave ho already.

Okay, we're all caught up. Let's do this!!

1-on-1 w/ Lauren B.: The Sky's The Limit

25, Flight Attendant

Excuse me, Lauren, is it? Can you be a dear and bring me a cup of ice and the WHOLE CAN OF DIET COKE!! Thanks.

She’s a cute blonde, I’m sure they’ll make out.  Other girls run out to see them off.  17 girls all mutter ‘bitch’ under their breath.

What? She’s scared of going on this bi-plane?!?! But, your job title.

Ben, “I feel like a little kid right now.” Lauren B, “I feel like a little kid when I’m with you, too.” Carefullll.

Of course they fly by the mansion.  Kissy kissy.

They land in a field and Ben gives Lauren B. a piggy back ride to a hot tub IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Ben is so nice that he sends her behind a tree to go change. Why is there even a tree out there? Kissy kissy.

Laaaurrrennn! B-eennn! Come get your supper!!

Lauren B., “There’s no place I’d rather be.”  Think real hard about that LB. Not TOO HARD though. You might not eat your food if you think too hard. EAT YOUR FOOD! EAT IT!!

Ben thinks this is the perfect opportunity to delve into a story about his father having heart surgery. Cool story, Ben! “And then I found $20!” Phew! Way to save the story, Ben.

LB gets a rose. Followed by a performance by LUCY ANGEL! NO FREAKING WAY, I LOVE HER. Psst, who’s Lucy Angel?

Couple of dorks slow dancing on an oriental rug in a barn. Nothing to see here. Let’s fast forward through this McPick Two commercial. ♫ Lemme get a McPick two. ♫ Song’s in your head now, isn’t it?

Back at the Mansion

Girls be talkin’. Blah, blah, open heart, blah, process, other girls here, my heart could be broken, blah, tears, blah. RELAX, 24 YEAR OLDS!!

Group Date: Love Is The Goal

A bunch of girls will be going on a date. Doesn’t really matter who.

35 girls, I dunno, I lost count, are told to run out of the limo, screaming, and on to The Coliseum field in LA.  The very field where your Los Angeles Rams, and soon to be Los Angeles Chargers, will be playing the next 3 years. Fuck you Stan Kroenke! That goes for you too, Dean Spanos!

It’s soccer time with a couple of the girls from team USA. Ugh, we just did the soccer thing during Juan Pablo's season. You can see why I get sick of writing these things. It's so damn repetitive.

Oh, god. What is happening? Not exactly a bunch of Mia Hamm's out there. Chandler Bing, “COULD they FIND a group of more uncoordinated girls?” I hear ya, Chandler. I hear ya.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jubilee has something to say. Yup, Jubilee, “Ben doesn’t gravitate toward complicated.” Throwing some major shade on the rest of the sorority house. Haha, love her.

Competition time. Only one team can win and get that special time with Ben and five other girls.

It looks like a bunch of 6 year olds playing out there. Everyone run towards the ball!! Good job, Lauren! C’mon, Jami!  Stop the ball, Emily!! You are all disappointments! Not because of your lack of soccer skills but because you are on The Bachelor! We’re running laps after this game! HUSTLE!

The Where's Waldo team won! Yay, us! We did it! Suck it blue team! Back to the limo and mansion, losers! Wait.

Group Date Night:

Ben + 6 chicks. Olivia, 1^st impression rose, 23 years old and not camera shy, who the girls HATE, grabs Ben and takes him upstairs to a room. They wave down to all the other girls. She’s hot, but Ben probably doesn’t want this drama. Kissy kissy.

The other girls are making fun of her toes. Does she have thumb toes? Show us your feet please!!

Amber. WTF?! Get off my tv! You had your shot. Man, I hate retreads. Kissy kissy. Ben is gonna kiss everyone. And why shouldn’t he? I would.

Rose goes to…. Amber! Fine, whatevs. Amber’s self esteem is through the roof! The rose holds so much power!! My precious.

1-on-1 w/ Jubilee: Love Is In The Air

Jubilee, black, 24, and a War Veteran. That’s a job? Whoa! She freaks the eff out when she gets that date card. Bring it down a notch.

She is so nervous. Chill out, Jubilee. She calls Ben out for being 20 minutes late. Damn right you call his ass out. A helicopter is here! Nevermind, Ben. You can be late. Of course they fly by the mansion.

Oh. My. God. These girls are THE WORST. Never again with everyone 25 and under. I mean it, Bachelor. They must miss their Instagrams so much! #ShinyDressIsShiny #MargaritaMonday #PoolTime #RoseCeremony #Facetime #DateCard #Helicopter #MrsBenHiggins #CrazyPants #ILeftMyBoyfriendForThis

Ben and Jubilee feed each other caviar. Jubilee was not a fan. Will someone get Jubilee a hot dog, stat!!

Damn, she’s too self aware about herself and the show. Too bad, hope she sticks around.

Oooh, bikini time. Jubilee's body on fleek! Ben’s got jungle fever. ♫ Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony. ♫

She has some terrible tattoos. But, really, how many tattoos in the history of man aren’t terrible? Like, 2%?  Jubilee gets it. Haters gonna hate.

Did Jubilee just say that going in a helicopter and hot tubbin’ at a mansion with Champy would be a normal day with Ben? Seriously, these girls are so young and stupid. How do I get on this show?! Please! Please! I’m begging you, Harrison!

Jubilee, “I’m complicated.” Uh-oh, she’s got skeletons hiding out in her closet. “There’s a lot more to you, Ben, then people see.” No, there’s less.

Yup, she’s adopted…. Aaaand her whole family died.  MORE PIANO MUSIC HERE, GUYS!!

She says that she’s the only one who is alive with her bloodline. What is going on? You’ve been here less than 2 weeks and you’re going this route. It gets her a rose and some kisses. Shit, Ben kissed her on her hand. She’s just been put in the friend zone. He respects her too much. 

The girls can’t believe Jubilee is back in the house. Bunch of racists.

Let’s get this show on the road. Let’s rose it up!

Cocktail Party:

Ben’s here! He’s so dreamy.

Uh, he’s telling us about a couple of people who died from his hometown in a plane crash earlier in the day. Bummer, but no. Don’t do that. You're bringing down the party, man. Loosen up, have a cocktail! Pour one out for your homies.

Olivia grabs him! To tell her about how much she hates her legs and cankles?! Jesus Christ. Get her outta here. And she’s crying?! Bless her selfish, shallow, callous heart. 

Jubilee gets shit talked about her but she has the last laugh when she grabs Ben to give him a massage. Oh shit! The rest of the sorority house is PISSED! Will someone go out there and break up the sexy, above clothes rubdown. Amber, get on it!

Daggers from the rest of the house. Olivia must be pumped someone else is getting the negative energy. Amber, the veteran of the house, wants Jubilee to have a chat with the rest of the house to get the ‘elephant’ out of the room. Glad to see the oldest person in the house has the gall to confront Jubilee but not the right communication skills to deal with it. She's single for a reason. Jubilee is getting cornered in the bathroom. Ben to the rescue!

They broke her. They broke Jubilee. Tears. LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE!! Her name is Jubilee! Hasn't she been through enough?

Ben is there to console her. He’s a good dude. He’ll make for a very eligible bachelor once he and the winner break up 6 months from now.

Lace wants some Ben time. It’s definitely late, gotta be around 4am. More booze please!! Lace is a little nutso. She pulls a fast one and decides to take the high road and gracefully bow out. Tears. It’s not you, it’s me. Did Ben just call her Liz? I hope so. I bet she gets that written on her cup at Starbucks half of the time. Just enunciate better and it won't happen as much, Liz… Lace.

Rose Ceremony:

Already w/ Roses:

Jubilee

Lauren B

Amber

Roses go to:

Lauren H. - meh

Amanduh – oh, she’s cute

Becca – San Diegan, retread

Haley – Twin #1

Emily – Twin #2.  Bachelor, you want to do something for me with these twins.  Put them on the 2-on-1 date and MAKE Ben choose one. Can’t let ‘em both go. It’s all I ask.

Rachel – girl

Caila – cute, ethnic, top 4 material

Jojo – yessir

Jennifer – who?

Leah – probably gone next week

Final Rose!! – Olivia and her gross sausage feet and non-existent ankles. Ew, gross.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out – Shushanna and Jami. Tears. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!?! These two 23 year olds are never going to find love!! THE HUMANITY!!! NOOO!!!

Next week:

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. A Carrot Top show! What?!  Britney Spears show! No Way! Group date in a cage with Siegfried and Roy’s white tiger and one of the girls dies!! Whoa, crazy! Finally our first Bachelor death!

Oh, and Olivia is edited to be batshit bonkers! Or is she?

Dammit! I’m sucked back in, aren’t I? Fudge!

Credits:

Boring people kissing in a hot tub and a bubble comes up. It wasn’t me!

Bachelor Finale, S19. Is this Heaven? No, It's Iowa.

Bachelor Finale

I'd like to thank everyone for reading my blog this season. It means a lot and I'm glad somebody likes it, or hates it. Bottom line, you're reading it. I try to write from the live point of view of someone who should not be watching The Bachelor as well as trying to get inside the heads of the producers and what they think is funny, dramatic, sexy, shocking and embarrassing. Again, thanks for reading.

We open with a live studio audience. Harrison promises “A shocking turn of events that the entire country will be talking about tomorrow.” I woke up Tuesday failing to hear of these ‘shocking events.’ You're a liar, Harrison.

Soules is back home in Iowa, walking to the middle of nowhere wearing a scarf. Just when I thought the show couldn’t get any more shocking, the producers have Soules meander wherever. Already we can tell that he picks Whitney while describing the two women left.

We get to meet Soules’ family. It’s actually the entire town of Arlington, IA. Mom needs some hair product. Do they not have Wal-Marts in Iowa?

Whitney Meets the Family

Walk, hug, pick-up.

Whitney, “I want you to know how much I love you.” Game over. Becca won’t say this.

She brings flowers for mom and she gets along with kids because she wants kids SO BAD. Whitney, “We made a baby.” She will NEVER get tired of telling that story. Soules will get tired of hearing it.

Whitney, tearing up at dinner, “I love your son and your brother.” Tears and Cheers!

The sisters, who liked Jade a month ago, hang with Whitney. Whitney, “looking back 10 years ago on a map did I say I would be living in Arlington, Iowa? No.” Don’t tell Soules that, he loves five year plans.

Sister, to Soules, “What’s the difference between the two relationships?” Whitney let me put it in her.

Mom and Whitney chat. Geez, Whitney. Get your lips off Mom’s ass. Kissy-kissy.

Ugh, Soules is a weird kisser. He never uses any tongue. There needs to be Bachelor classes. I’d be happy to teach. “What was your major in college?”  “I got a bachelor’s degree in Bachelor.” You're hired!

Oh, you know. Just us boys doing boy things in the workshop. Let’s build a relationship!

Soules’ buddy, “Becca is the girl at the bar that is hard to talk to.” Chase that dragon, Soules.

Commercial: Dancing With the Stars. What the hell is a Riker Lynch?! Don’t you dare say ‘a star.’

Becca Meets the Family

Walk, hug, kiss, cookies.

Sister, “Let’s keep an open mind.” Whitney is a tough follow.

Sisters v. Becca. Becca, “If he picks me it’s probably gonna be long distance. I’m not gonna pick up my life until I’m sure.” Yeah, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Becca with Mom. Mom says that Becca is in love. Becca needs to get out of the house more often. Mom, “It’s up to you.” Take a chance, Becca. And stop your crying!

Sister, “They need time that they don’t have.” Bingo. I like the Soules family. They seem nice. I’m not moving to Iowa for them, though.

Becca’s Last Date

Soules, “I want everything that you can give to me.” Ain’t happening, bruh. Good lord, he brings up a five year plan again. What the hell, Soules? Ask her where she sees herself in five minutes, she still won’t know. Soules, if I asked you five years ago where you see yourself would you have said “on Dancing With the Stars vs. Suzanne Somers?”

Soules seems bummed. He’s really looking for Becca to give him reasons to choose her but she’s not budging. Can he just dump her now? Is that the shocking twist, Harrison?! Is it?!

Becca’s definitely gonna cry herself to sleep tonight. So will Soules. Awww, TV romance fizzling.

Whitney’s Last Date

She meets him at his farm. Stop jumping in his arms and wrapping your legs around him! Gross.

Let’s pick some corn. Nothing runs like a Deere.

As they harvest corn they are also harvesting their relationship. "

Tell me more about this corn process!! Uh, huh. What does this button do?"

So Becca gets grilled at a hotel and Whitney gets to go to his farm and ride around in a tractor with his dad.  And then he takes her to his house?! Are you kidding me? Fast forward.

Soules owns 800 acres! Damn. I mean, it’s like a buck an acre in Iowa, but still.

What is with the necklace, Whitney?

Whitney gets a second segment, and wine. Soules, “Today was awesome because Whitney is awesome.” Ever the wordsmith. Kissy-kissy, no tongue.

Chris, we need to do one more stupid thing for us. Stare out your window at a barren city of Dubuque for us. Thanks. Wait, now do it wearing clothes. Thanks.

NEIL LANE!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s pick out a ring!

Neil, “It’s pretty cold here. I never thought I would be in Iowa.” Fuck you, Neil!

Final Rose Ceremony

One last hug from Harrison.

They furnished his barn to look like a chandelier gallery. What did you do to Soules’ childhood barn, ABC? It’s where he raised his first horse and slaughtered his first pig! It’s where he will dump a virgin and propose to a stage 5. Have you no respect?!

Alright, let’s get to the dumping of Becca.

Harrison, “Chris is waiting for you in the barn.” Don’t trip on the branding irons on your way out. Look out for stray lanterns.

Soules, “I know that I can see you being my wife. But, you’re not really ready.” It was a good run. I’m honestly surprised she made it this far. Buh-bye.

Keep it together, Becca. Once you’re in the limo you can let it out. No, you don’t wanna? Okay, then. Your parting gift is Bachelor fame, everyone knowing you’re a virgin, and being able to move back to San Diego untethered. Gonna be tough.

I wonder if he’ll pick Whitney? I was told there would be a shocking surprise. Break up with her! Do it! Come on! Do it for daddy!

Whitney, “I’ve never been disappointed. From the very beginning I’ve just known.” It’s all downhill from here.

Did Whitney do her own hair? I’m sure she did. It’s also freezing in this damn barn. I can see Soules’ breathe with every deep sigh he takes.

Soules, “It’s not work for us…I love you.” Foreverlove!!

He’s gotta tie his shoe. Why would you… oh. He’s proposing! Dammit, Soules!

NEIL LANE BOX!!!!  Don’t ever buy anything from Neil Lane, you guys.

SHE SAID YES!!! I am shocked! Harrison was right!!

Soules, “There’s one more thing. Will you accept this rose.” Whitney, “Meh. I guess.”

The Bachelorette

I’m not even gonna bother with ATFR. We’re gonna have TWO Bacheloretttes! Kaitlyn and Britt. No way I blog this, and honestly, I don’t even want to know what psychopath wants to date Britt. Or maybe I do.

Also, if they really wanted to do something "shocking" they should do this in real time so spoilers are kept to a minimum or have the lead be someone of color. You're welcome, ABC.

Thanks for reading!

Women Tell All (or something like that)

Hey, Harrison. This is where Harrison makes his money, kinda. Harrison, "As you all know, I'm Chris Harrison." Humble, too.

The first segment is Chris and Chris "crashing" Bachelor viewing parties. They go to one that has balloons in the front yard. Who the hell has balloons up for a viewing party? No way any of these women have lives. Let's find out. Harrison just walks right into the house and of course the women are shocked because who wouldn't be shocked if there was already a camera inside the house waiting for Chris and Chris to walk in.

This party is ridiculous. It looks like there's 40 people in this house. Someone must have sent out a Facebook invite. They have a smorgasbord of corn everything, a tractor on a bail of hay, the women are all wearing straw hats. They're all gonna go to work the next day and brag about this to their co-workers and then they'll get demoted. Then some crazy lady kisses Soules and it's soooo crazy. OMG! This isn't awkward at all!! HAHAHA!!! We're having fun, right?

They then crash a few more parties. They just walk on in to these homes and the women are totally okay with this? Seriously, these women are delirious. 

Let's introduce the women! I've forgotten who half of these chicks are. They watch highlights and laugh uncontrollably at themselves and how crazy and fun they are. This is stupid. I'm just gonna post more pics of the audience because they're the real MVPs of the WTA. 

Oh my god! Britt is already crying. She's a straight up drama queen. Britt, to Carly, "Why did you pretend to be my friend?" It's a game, Dum-Dum. Also, you're not here to make friends.

Oh, the girls are just talking over each other. Didn't see that coming with 20 chicks in one room all vying for attention. I'm not even listening to them. Dammit, there's another 90 minutes of this crap! It's like having 100 cats in one room and they're all hungry. Harrison, control your bitches! Throw a bunch of roses in the air or something!

The girls are ganging up on Carly. Britt is crying more. Jillian will you just pick up a chair and throw it?! Harrison, "Jillian, you're a little jacked up." What a dick.

More Britt vs. Carly. Britt, shut up! When Britt can't talk and be the center of attention she gets so frustrated. Good luck to whoever gets to marry this. I really want her to go away. She's annoying. Just say NO to her for Bachelorette.

HAHAHA!! The stupid behind the scenes of the WTA. Britt, crying profusely, "I thought everyone was my friend until I walked out here." Oh well. Harrison, "You think it was jealousy?" Who cares, bro. Oh, she's fine now. The tears just come and go whenever she wants. Fake Britt.

Kelsey time!! Oh my, she uses such big words. I can't believe how smart she is. How many degrees do you have, Kelsey. Tell me, I know you will.

Is there anything funnier than watching someone watch video of other people relishing in their demise on a game show? Kelsey, "I'm feeling betrayed." She's obviously insane. Her emotions run the gamut. Kelsey, "I wish I could be accepted, warts and all." I mean, this chick. Yeah, audience chick gets it.

Juelia, "Kelsey is one of the most calculated people I have ever met." Woooo!!! 

I love how confident each of these women are when they are ganging up on Kelsey. One-on-one, Kelsey destroys them.  

Samantha speaks!!!

Can we get Sanderson Poe's parents on the show? I wanna know what they think of Kelsey. Their opinion is the only one that matters.

Ashley S. time! Finally! She should have gotten the entire first hour of the WTA.

She brings Harrison an onion and claims that she's started growing her own onions. I love her. She's so spacy. "I like to ride bikes. I mean, this is me. With the cameras around it was really hard for me to not be silly." Harrison asks, no begs, her to come on Bachelor In Paradise. That shit show is returning? I will not be blogging that. Sorry, my dozen readers. The crowd is chanting "Do it! Do it! Do it!" They're dumber than the contestants. The bottom line is that Ashley S. is awesome.

Jade's turn! Harrison, "Thanks for being here." Like she was gonna say 'no.'

Great, now she's crying. Do they realize that they dodged a huge bullet by not winning? They're just sad they weren't good enough. Sucks finishing 2nd through 30th doesn't it? You're less than.

She's mad at Soules because of something he wrote in his blog. That he wasn't honest with her about her nudes when he should have been. Get over it. You don't want him anyway.

Kaitlyn's turn in the HOT SEAT. Damn girl! You look like you're ready to be the next Bachelorette or something.

Kaitlyn, "I can pinpoint the moment when my heart just broke." Harrison, "When was it?" Kaitlyn, "When he called Whitney's name." Doy.

She felt REALLY confident going into that last Rose Ceremony. Yup, they did it. 

Kaitlyn, "I don't think I've ever felt so blindsided." These girls really get sucked into the game. It's unbelievable how this happens time and time again. I know they watch the prior shows. I know they know the history of couples failing months after the show ends. They just can't help themselves. It must be the helicopter rides.

Okay, only two more segments left. I can do this.

Bring out the meat!! Soules and Harrison with a bro-hug. Gimme some dap, bruh.

Britt is crying again?! My god, woman. Well, this is an awkwardly long hug. She's a trainwreck.

Soules, "The reason we didn't work out wasn't because of Carly." It was you, Britt! Get the hell off the stage!

Kaitlyn wants closure. You didn't get a rose. To me, that's closure. You'll be fine.

Kaitlyn is railing on him for not doing things a certain way, like dumping her away from the Rose Ceremony. Is she serious? It's not like he's done this before. Sure, he's a terrible Bachelor who has a lack of reading the room, but cut him some slack.

Jade, come on down!! Hug. She's killing it in her red dress. Look what you're missing out on, Soules! A wild stallion!!

He was caught off guard by her nudes. Eyes up here, Soules!

Harrison, "It's time for BLOOPERS!!" Wait, what were the last ten episodes then? Those weren't the bloopers? Also, these aren't bloopers unless Tom Bergeron is involved. Do I need to give ABC all the ideas?! The only real 'bloopers' involved animals. Again, not bloopers.

Now Harrison is pimping his book. Uh, no. The only idiots buying that book were the ones having extravagant Bachelor viewing parties.

After watching this I feel like this girl. See you at the finale!!

Blue Bali. S19, Ep9.

The group heads to Bali!

Chris, walk around this Temple. Thanks.

Chris, walk in front of those monkeys. Perfect.

Chris, walk around the hotel. Great.

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn gets the 'walk around the city' date.

Walk, hug, pick up, wrap legs around, kiss.

The two go into a temple where people are working(?).One condition – NO KISSING! I really have no idea what's going on in there. I think they're making friendship bracelets or dream catchers. 

Soules, “Next thing you know we’re walking around with baskets on our heads.” Stupid Americans. Get to work! You! With the small hands, get over here!

Walk around the city, have a beer, talk to locals. Let's speed this up, ABC.

Kaitlyn, “Everyone is so nice.” Translation: You look different than us and have electronics. Are you from the future?

Monkeys are everywhere. I mean, EVERYWHERE. You know what? Chris’ laugh is probably attracting them. Oh, no! The monkeys aren’t… what is happening?? Soules’ laugh is definitely a mating call. This is not the Fantasy Suite he had in mind.

Kaitlyn’s family loved Chris. Kaitlyn loves Chris. It’s gonna hurt when she gets dropped. Gonna hurt even more since she’s let her guard down. She’s much softer than she was at the start of this game show.

Dinner -

Kaitlyn, “I’m scared to tell Chris how I’m feeling.” Heartbreak is a coming!

She is shaking. It’s like prom night.

Kaitlyn, “I have this guard up.” Told ya. She’s used to putting people on the defensive. Early on in the show she was looking for reactions. How far can I push this? I think we’re seeing the real Kaitlyn, now. I miss dirty mouth/has a wall up Kaitlyn, though.

Soules, “I have something for you.” It’s a note from Harrison! He’s so thoughtful, and has such great penmanship, too.

Fantasy Suite - YES!!!

Kaitlyn, “I can’t imagine saying no to that. We deserve it.” I know what that means.

Kaitlyn, “I am falling in love with you.” Yes, Kaitlyn. Minimize the commitment. Soules, “Right back atcha, bud.” Kissy-kissy.

Bow chika-bow wow.

Whitney:

Whitney gets the 'yacht' date.

Run, hug, wrap legs around, kiss. What is up with the wrapping of legs around him? Every one of these broads.

Whitney is still bummed that her sister didn't give Soules her 100% approval of marriage. Get over it. 

Whitney, "I've never felt so sure, so confident of anything in my life." I hope so, cuz while you were in Bali, the hospital just fired you.

Chris isn't fazed by Whitney's sister not giving him her blessing. Atta boy.

Jump in! The water is fine! Whitney needs a tan.

Whitney, "I'm head over heels in love with you." Look, she's probably gonna win, but how fun would it be to see her get dumped? She would GO OFF!

Night -

Soules realizes how big of a deal it would be for Whitney to leave Chicago and her job for him. They only live four hours from each other. Commute. Have a place in both cities. This isn't hard. His insecurity about his hometown is overblown.

Whitney, "I've worked so hard on my career. I've always wanted to be a wife and a mom. I have this career but I'm still not happy. I would just be ready to have babies." You're in luck! You can start tonight!

Whitney, "It's not where you are, It's who you're with." That's nice.

Hey, a note from Harrison! Wonder what it says.

Fantasy Suite – YES!

Whitney, "I’ve thought about this and I think it would be great!" 

Whitney, “I’m ready to become engaged to this man and start a family.”

Do we really need to go through the Becca segment? I guess we will anyway.

Becca:
She gets the 'walk through the rainforest village' date. I think that's what this is.

Walk, wave with both hands, hug, kiss.

Saved the Virgin for last. My favorite Vanessa Williams song, btw.

Soules, "The fact that she's never been in love before worries me." She's gonna have all of the feels!

The two of them go into a temple and meet a medium/shaman/fortune teller. He says they make a great couple and should make love. Becca is embarrassed. Move along, nothing to see here.

Look! A stream. Let's go stand in it and make kisses to each other.

Night -

So nervous. After the really fun day Becca is reconsidering saving herself for marriage. On national tv. She’s totally rational. She’s the opposite of Kaitlyn and taking Soules for a test drive before marriage.

Becca has never fallen or been in love before. These feelings are new.

Fantasy Suite card comes out. What is The Virgin going to do?!! Also, how has there not been a reality show called The Virgin?

Soules has a weird smirk on his face. Becca, “I would love to spend more time together alone.”

Fantasy Suite - YES!!!

In the room after a toast of champagne she drops the virgin bomb on him. He has no idea what to say, like usual. “I respect that in a lot of ways. I’d be lying if it says it surprises me. It says a lot about who you are.” Such as?

Becca, “His response was perfect.” Or non-response.

I’m actually a little pissed at the production team for having that conversation filmed. I seriously doubt this is how she wanted it to go down. She’s too private and closed off for that to have been what happened. Shame on you, ABC.

Next morning -

Becca, go walk on the beach. Great.

Soules, look out off your balcony. Thanks.

Soules, “Whitney and Kaitlyn have both told me that they’re in love with me and Becca hasn’t.” Tears from Soules. Man, the only issue Soules has is what order to get rid of Kaitlyn and Becca. It's not gonna be pretty any way you look at it. After Kaitlyn's date, I think she has more invested and will take the breakup harder. And then she'll get over it when she becomes The Bachelorette.

Here comes pimp Harrison. Soules can still see himself with all three women. Would the three women be willing to move to Utah?

Harrison, “I think you’re headed in the right direction which is good.” Thanks, Harrison. Get back in your cage.

Rose Ceremony:

What are Harrison and Soules wearing? Looks like they’re headed into the dojo for some karate lessons. Apparently they’re on hallowed ground. Whatever that means. No touching! Okay, maybe some hand holding.

Kaitlyn wants to start their lives together, Whitney sees marriage, and Becca is scared. I think I know where this is going.

Soules pulls Becca aside. Wipe that grin off your face, Whitney!

Soules and Becca, “Whisper whisper whisper.” Speak up! Becca, “I’m crazy about you. It’s just been so surprising to me.” Soules, “This is crazy difficult for me.” See ya, Becca.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Whitney are talking like they’re best friends. Let’s go shopping and get mani-pedi’s, girlfriend!

Here comes Soules and Becca back to the Rose Ceremony holding hands. But, you’re on sacred ground. Kaitlyn, “Oh shoot!” HAHAHA! The way she says it! Just when you thought you were safe! Pssst, you’re still safe. And thanks for keeping it pg on these hallowed grounds.

She can’t be right for him if I’m right for him.” Whitney,  “She’s young…” You are three years older than her! What?!

First rose goes to…. Whitney! Come on down. No touching!

The future runner-up rose goes to… Becca! Whoa! Are you shitting me?!

Becca reaches out for Kaitlyn’s hand, she’s not having it. I can’t say this enough, Kaitlyn 4 Bachelorette! That’s the only way I would watch three episodes of that.

Soules, “I’m so sorry.” Sigh. Hug. Whisper. He’s just talking in circles. Complete jibberish. I can’t even type his quotes. Kaitlyn is holding it together pretty well for the most part.

Kaitlyn, “I don’t want to get in there (limo) and do this.” Hop in! Now! Chop chop! This is how tv breakups go.

Safety first. Put your seat belt on. I see you, camera guy! 

Kaitlyn, “The most humiliating moment of my whole entire life.” Really? Come on.

Kaitlyn, “I’m really confused. It blows my mind.” I know, right? Well, toodles.

Next week:

Women Tell All! Where's my invite?

Credits:

Soules talking to monkeys. "Will you accept this rose?" Hope you’ve had you rabies shots, Soules.

Secrets Secrets Are No Fun. S19, Ep8.

The Hometown Dates are upon us. We're gonna be down to the final three at the end of the night and one step closer to the end of Chris Soules' reign as The Bachelor and one step closer to me having my Monday nights back. No mas! 

Soules is not happy with Britt’s reaction from the previous night.

1-on-1 w/ Becca:

Soules wants a low key date with Becca. Read: Boring. They sit around a pretty sick loft in Des Moines and just hang out. Becca, “I’ve never been in love with anyone.” Her last relationship was off and on for 4 years but there was never any love behind that long of a relationship? They go up on the roof to watch the sunset. Kissy-kissy. Nothing to see here.

Back at the Renaissance. The girls are gossiping about Britt. Britt comes in, conveniently. Britt, "I'm gonna leave before the rose ceremony tomorrow." Prove it! Here come the waterworks. Carly is calling her out on her BS again. I see what Carly is saying about Britt being wrong for Soules, but Carly's kind of a hater. 

Whitney, about Britt, “Looks aren’t everything. You gotta work for it." More tears from Britt in the hallway.

Cocktail Party:

Carly, “All Britt wants is for Chris to beg her not to leave.” Correct.

Harrison comes in and says there’s no Cocktail Party! WHAT?! Life is over as I know it! How is Britt gonna tell Chris that she wants to leave?  Oh no! No closure for Britt. On to the Rose Ceremony. Line up, ladies.

Soules, “I’m falling in love. It’s happening. I have some tough decisions to make.” Britt takes him aside. The girls are catty. Britt wants the validation and she’s not sure she’ll get it. If that’s the case then she wants to do the breaking up. She's selfish.

Britt apologizes for the previous night. She’s annoying. Soules tells her about how the other girls don’t think she’s being honest. STOP TELLING SOULES THINGS!! Britt, “Was it Carly?” Soules, “Why does it matter.” Shut up Britt! She gone! Tears. She better not be the next Bachelorette. 

Carly is still being very catty. “The prettiest girl in the room now knows what it’s like to be like the rest of us.” Hey, Carly, YOU'RE ALL PRETTY! Britt will be fine. If being Bachelor famous doesn't work out she still has that waitressing thing to fall back on.

Carly is pretty pleased with herself. Britt, ‘crying,’ “Carly is my friend. I don’t know why she would tell Chris. I really trusted Carly.” Britt realizes that this is a game, yeah? I know she's seen the show.

Rose Ceremony:

Soules, “I just sent Britt home and I think it was for the best. I don’t think I could trust her. I’m not playing games.”

Roses go to…

Kaitlyn, already has one.

Whitney

Becca

Jade

Adios, Carly. It’s been real. Karma came around. Who’s gonna be Soules’ bff now? Kaitlyn, “She’ll be okay.”

Carly, in limo, “I’m gonna be really sad... again. What’s new? Why is it so hard to just want me?” Will someone give Carly a hug. She'd be a terrible Bachelorette. 

Becca Hometown:

Shreveport, Louisiana. Typical San Diegan, not from San Diego.

Run, jump in arms, wrap legs around Chris, kiss. 

This is the first time that she’s brought home anyone to meet her parents. There’s a first time for everything, Becca. EVERYTHING.

Why are they sitting in swamp in a canoe by themselves? 

Becca’s got a big family. Mom, Dad, Sister/Husband, kids, Doc, Grumpy, and Sleepy.

Her family is giving Becca the business about Soules being the 1^st guy she’s brought home. That would worry me. Her sister is straight up telling Chris that she’s a prude. Soules is a little concerned. You mean to tell me that she's never had the touch of a man?

Becca's mom, “I’ve never seen her demeanor like this when she’s with you. This is big.” She doesn’t want to see Becca get hurt. Man, if she gets to the final 2 and then loses, that would be bad. I wanna see that. 

Becca’s sis, “You’re getting close to the Fantasy Suite. Does he know?” About what? Does it rhyme with surgeon?

Kissy-kissy before he leaves. But wait, there's more!! He takes her with him to the Louisiana State Fair, which is closed for the night. They go on the Ferris Wheel. They’re stuck at the top! We can’t get them down! Looks like you have to stay up there. They’re cool up there, they're just gonna make out a little more.

Whitney Hometown:

Chicago. Chicago? I guess if your parents aren’t in your life.

Run, hug, pick up, kiss.

Whitney, “What do you say we go make a baby?!” Off to Whitney’s work. She loves her work. Something has to fill the void in her life that a man would otherwise fill. I would rather meet her friends, but that's just me.

She gives Soules scrubs to wear. Whitney, "He's so hot in those scrubs." Whitney really is making babies, aka playing God. Whitney decides to yank Soules chain a bit and asks him if he can give her a sample of his sperm. Get to jerkin', Chris. Are there computers in the jerk rooms? Nope, just archaic porn like Playboys and a TV. Does it take DVDs or Tapes? Nurse, the tracking is off.

Chris, “I’m pretty confident my soldier’s are marching.” I like that one. I may use that.

Who do we get to meet in Whitney’s family? Grandma, Uncle, Sister Kimberly and her Husband. Soules wants to ask someone for a possible blessing on marriage. Whitney, "Ask my sister." Like it matters.

Sis on sis talk. Her sister’s not really believing in this process. Kimberly, don’t ruin it for Whitney! Be happy for her! Sissy doesn’t get the whole Bachelor thing. Kimberly, he’s not going to see you again. Just answer 'Yes!' Good lord, I can’t take any more crying. Make it stop!

Soules asks Kimberly for her blessing, she’s not giving it to Chris. At least, not yet. Text her in a week. Soules didn’t expect sissy to say no. Whitney is sad. Well, Kimberly blew it for ya. Just a speed bump in the road on the way to your impending break-up in the near future.

To cap off the date Whitney has a bottle of wine that she bought in Napa a while back that was a little pricey. She bought it in hopes that she could share it with her husband. She's in deeeeep. Whitney, with feeling, drops the L bomb! You ever been? Kissy-kissy.

Kaitlyn Hometown:

Phoenix. Phoenix? Are any of these women from where they say they're from? Her family is a bunch of Canadian snowbirds. Typical Canadians.

Walk, kiss, hug.

Kaitlyn has Chris meet her at a recording studio. Is she paying for this studio time? That stuff ain’t cheap. They're gonna write and record a rap song. I don't get it. Is Kaitlyn a rapper? Chris is so boring that they need to find something for filler.

Kaitlyn, “I think to watch anyone come up with rap lyrics is funny.” Coming up with them isn’t the funny part, watching someone rap them is.

Soules has no rhythm, none. At least he’s putting in effort. Soules, “I’m trying the best I can. But I suck.” He does. Chris attempts to rap, "Family means everything and so does an engagement ring." He should of just gone with the Fruity Pebbles Rap. 

Time to meet the Hosers, eh. Mom, Step-dad, Dad, Step-mom, and Sister. The new modern family and everyone gets along. According to Mom, Kaitlyn's heart was broken in her last relationship. Mom is concerned. She should be, it's gonna get broke again.

Kaitlyn tells Soules that she 'loves' him by showing him a billboard that reads 'Kaitlyn ❤ Chris.' Um, that doesn't count Kaitlyn. Say it with your filthy mouth! The billboard move is straight out of LA Story. Underrated Steve Martin movie.

Jade Hometown:

Gering, Nebraska. Pop. 8480.

Walk, hug, kiss. Simple. 

Jade, “My secret has ruined past relationships for me.” It’s no secret if it's all over the internet. 

Let's meet the Fam. Mom, Dad, Brothers. They are definitely from Nebraska.

Soules gives Jade a letterman's jacket at the house. Wonder what she's gonna do with it after she gets dumped. Burn it?

Soules tells her dad that he likes that she’s from a small town and has good core value. Dad knows something you don't know.

Zach, bro with the sweet beard and cool haircut, “You know, she's been doing her modeling thing... As long as I’ve know Jade she’s been a wild mustang, free spirit.” She does what she wants!

Alright, let’s get to the good stuff!!

Back to the Hotel where Soules is staying. Chris tells Jade that her bro said that she’s a wild mustang. “Hot mustang, but I haven’t seen the wild side.” Now?! Is it now?! Are you gonna tell him about Playboy now?

Jade, “I think there are some things about me that would surprise you. I’ve been judged on it a lot. Especially in relationships.” No judging over here!

She was a young kid moving to LA and she said 'yes' to something. No big deal. It happens. Someone in a van pulls along side you on Hollywood and Highland and offers you a role in a short film that you'd be perfect for. Before you know it your fingers are in your mouth and you're awkwardly seducing a camera with shitty New Age music in the background. We've all been there.

Jade, “If you want I could show you some of the photos?” Soules, “I mean, sure.” Boot up the laptop. HAHAHA!!! Soules’ face!! He’s so uncomfortable. Come on man, it’s Playboy. It’s tasteful. It's empowering.

HAHAHAHA!!! They’re watching the video. No way this is real life! Classic!! There's no coming back from this. I've seen the video. She's a goner.

Blue hue

Soules, “I judge you for the person you are. This won’t make me feel any differently of you.” That's nice. Soules, “It’s too hard to find a soulmate to worry about this stuff.” Jade is touched. Chris is too damn nice. For the most part he’s a standup dude. Where are his skeletons? I heard he kicked a dog once.

Soules, “I wanted to see Jade out of her shell. I saw her out of her shell. Completely out of her shell.” Like a naked ninja turtle.

Jade leaves and Soules goes straight back to the laptop. Soules, "I'll need some privacy." The cameramen kindly leave.

Rose Ceremony:

How dare we interrupt Harrison’s nap?!

Roses go to:

Whitney - #1 for the second ceremony in a row.

Kaitlyn - Wow!

Becca or Jade? Nude model or Virgin?

It’s Becca! Buh-bye Jade. You have my number.

Jade is gonna need to be reassured here somehow. Soules, “Things have moved quicker with some of the other girls.” It’s not you, it’s me. One last kiss. Jade is sad, but not that beat up about it. At least not until she hits the limo. Limo tears, also tears from Chris.

Jade, “My heart’s broken.” :( You'll be fine.

Next week:

Bali. We leave the country! Boats. Monkeys. Overnight dates. Virgin!

Credits:

Serious talk with Whitney while her tiny-ass rat-dog humps a doll.