But, I Wanna Be A Princess! S19, Ep4.

Man, this show is making me regret blogging this. It always does at this point of the game. This is about the time of the show when you tune out for a few weeks and come back when Hometown dates get going. But, you should still read this. Sooo...

Harrison talking to the ladies about how sincere Soules is. He's a simple farmboy with simple pleasures. 

This week Soules is getting help from his 3 sisters. However, they aren't there right now. As if I didn't hate myself enough for watching this damn show, I now have Train's 'Hey Soul Sister' in my head. 

Group Date #1:

Let's do what feels natural...

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley I, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey

They all think the 'natural' part in the date card means that they should wear less makeup. Ashley I. pays no mind.

Ashley I. is riding shotgun in the car Soules is driving. “Driving a car is one of the sexiest things a man can do.” This girl is something else.

They let Megan drive the other car. How did they decide that?

They all head to a lake. Ohhh... I get it, nature-al. Mackenzie, "My favorite place is a lake." Mackenzie like lake.

Bikini time!!

Everybody in the lake! Let’s get wet. I hope they can survive without their phones to Instagram that they’re at a lake. #LakeTimeWithMyBoo

Ashley I., "I'm so shy with him" as she shows her shyness by losing her top and jumping in the lake. Kaitlyn does her one better and drops her bottoms as she dives in. Please let there be piranhas in there.

Kelsey, “This is a date for bimbos.”  Someone thinks she’s better than everyone else. Relax, Kelsey. You're not. 

Back at the Mansion. The remaining girls get to meet the sisters. Judging, watching, looking.

Jillian is sleeping at the pool…. good god. The black box is back. Eff you, Bachelor! How am I supposed to enjoy her 'hairy' ass with that damn black box?  It's a normal bikini! I hate you so much right meow.

Sister interview time from Lori, Lisa, and Jackie. Gitchi Gitchi, ya ya, da da. Think about it, you'll get there.

Whitney says she's from Louisville, I said Tennessee last week. Close enough. Her voice is growing on me. J/K! It's still buh-ru-tal. Whitney, “They asked the right questions.” Like, "When was the last time you had your blood checked?" And, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Britt is frightened of the sisters. I can't figure Britt out. Her self esteem is through the floor!

Jade impresses the sisters by saying that she's a "model" for clothing and is starting an organic makeup company. "You sure are purdy and you smell like the inside of my momma's purse."

Back at the lake the group is playing Red Rover.  Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jose Cuervo on over!

Non-outdoorsy Kelsey, sulking in the corner, is being a stick in the mud. She's still better than you and me. An insect stings her on the inside of her leg during an interview. That's some karma right there. Kelsey, you are officially the biggest drama queen here and we are just getting to know you. You had so much promise.

Let’s pitch some tents! Megan and Kaitlyn pitch their tent the fastest! You win nothing!

Ashley I. is a camping virgin. Surprise, Virgin Kardashian has never been camping.

Everyone's tent has been pitched. High fives all around!

Soules, "I’m gonna do my own tent." His tent is enormous. His tent's been pitched for a while. Ahem, not that I look at stuff like that. Anyways....

Back at the mansion...

Carly, getting emotional with the sisters, reveals that guys haven't been nice to her. Texas boys, be nice to Carly! Don’t cry. Carly, “I want Chris to be like my grandpa.” Sit on my knee, Carly. Here’s a 2 dollar bill for ya. Go get yourself some candy.

Date card. The sisters chose Jade. Yay! <room full of eye roll>.  It's for a Royal Ball tomorrow evening. Britt is bummed cause she wants to be the princess. Jade is crying because someone likes her. So much emotion! 

Wait, are we still camping? Dammit!

The rose is out! It was hiding in the cooler under the meat all along. Sooo meaty.

Kaitlyn pulls Soules aside. They mumble some words. Soules, “I am a touchy feely guy.”  Kissy-kissy.

Kelsey feels lucky to be there. Kaitlyn notics that Kelsey is pouting when Soules is gone and happy when he’s around. Goodness, her fake laugh is not good. HA HA HA HA. Its. Just. So. Halting. 

Booze is a-flowing. The hard stuff. Tequila, Whiskey and Vodka. Let’s face it, you gotta booze when you’re camping. 

Ashley S. thinks we are missing music. She dances around and makes noises. ♫Tata Tatee Tata Tatee.♫ I am gonna miss her.

Kaitlyn decides to tell a scary story using Ashley S. as the scary subject while she is alone with Soules. Leave Ashley S. alone, Kaitlyn! I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.

Ashley S. is being loopy again. "Look at the moon. It's weird to me." I’m sensing a pattern with her. Nighttime booze + pills = goofiness. She kisses him and professes her love for him. OKAY, NOW she’s crazy.

She’s whispering to him and he’s whispering back. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?!?! Here's a fun game for you to try sometime. In a conversation, just start whispering to the person you're talking to. They'll whisper back, guaranteed.

Virgin Kardashian gets some time. "I don't like guys very easily." Kissy kissy. She really likes him. You know why, cuz it’s a competition. You wanna win! There’s literally no other reason. Kardashian, "I have to get the rose. It's gotta be me. There's no way he had any better chemistry with anyone else."

The rose goes to…. Kaitlyn. She seems genuinely shocked. Must be the alcohol.

Ashley I. can’t believe it. Once everyone is asleep she sneaks into Soules' tent. "I want him to know that I’m a virgin and have never had a boyfriend." She crawls into his tent to tell him how she’s been portrayed isn't really who she is. “Inside I’m a nerd, but outside I want to look like a whore.” Okay, the whore part was me.

He’s not quite understanding that she’s alluding to her virginity. “I’m not a hookup girl. Like, I’m wife material.” As she eats his face. Is he wearing Starbucks cologne or something?

Commercial

OK, the shitty camping date is over and we're all back at the house.  The camping girls find out that Jade got the one-on-one 'princess' date. Ashley I., jealous of the date that Jade is getting, thinks she’s a Disney Princess. Ugh, she’s awful. Lemme guess which princess you think you are. It's Jasmine from Aladdin and it's not even close. 

A glam squad arrives to make Jade a princess. Some lady with pink hair is running the show. She must be creative if she has pink hair. She's sooo different and original.

All the other girls be so jelly. Ashley I. "No one would appreciate this date more than me." Shut your pie hole Ashley I.!

Looking good Jade. She gets to keep the Loubs and the jewelry by NEIL LANE. Neil, where are you? Come out!! Neil, I know you're around somewhere.

Pink hair lady pulls out an iPad for some Cinderella cross promotion. Dammit, you guys.

HAHAHA!!! OMG, these girls are so jealous! Ashley I., I said shut up!

One-on-One w/ Jade

Jade is whisked away to a castle or museum or something. Soules is inside practicing his waltz, alone. Is this really happening? This effing guy. “I’m looking for my Cinderella.”

Here comes Jade. Soules is beaming that it’s her. He DEFINITELY remembers the bikini and heels from the past week. 

Jade, "I feel like I'm being swept off my feet. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” You deserve this, Jade. More than anyone else, Jade. You deserve this.

Talky, talky, talky. She has been engaged before, when she was 21. “Everything happens for a reason.” Man, I hate when people say that. Jade, go ask Juelia what the reason was when her husband committed suicide and left her a single mother.

Soules confesses that he's been engaged before, too. He was in a 7 year relationship that fizzled. Sounds like his ex-fiancee dodged a bullet. A slow, boring bullet.

I don't know why, but I always sense a negative connotation that comes with a failed engagement. How is being engaged and not going through with a wedding a negative?  If you ask me, I think those couples did themselves a favor. Don't go through with it unless your in it 100%. Bach On Bach marriage rules to live by.

Back at the house. Ashley I. is wearing her princess dress that she bought specifically for a 'Princess Date.' Okay, she needs to get lost. She's now dominating corn on the cob and champy. A little late night Sunday brunch. Wait, they just have corn on the cob hanging around the house? This farming business has to stop!

Back to Princess Jade. Her inner beauty stands out to Soules. Rose for you, Jade.

Soules, "I have one more surprise." Reach into this pocket... Nope, it’s an orchestra outside playing. Time to show off those slow dance moves you were practicing, Soules. Dancing with the Stars is next on the ABC reality show junket.

There’s a screen outside showing scenes from Cinderella while they're dancing. Yeah, this is going swimmingly. They’re dancing while watching the movie. Don’t watch the movie, you ding dongs. Look in each other’s eyes. Whisper sweet nothings. Tell him your darkest secrets. You know what I'm talking about, Jade.

Jade, "I'm here dancing with my own Prince Charming." It's Prince Farming! Get it right, Jade!

Kissy-kissy as he picks her up. We have now entered the ‘hug and pick-up’ phase of the show.

Clock strikes midnight and Jade hustles on out. The thing is, in the movie Cinderella, she talks and sings to animals. Guess what you'll be doing in Iowa. Yup.

Group Date #2

Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca

Let’s get dirty – Chris

6 large boxes are outside. They open them up and there are wedding dresses inside! Yay! More humiliation!

Now would be a good time to put the black box up on Jillian while she's wearing a wedding dress. But, the producers don’t. Missed opportunity for some actual creativity. 

The group boards a plane to SF. Limo takes them to an obstacle course called MuckFestMS, an organization that holds 5k mud runs to benefit MS. We really need to ask the girls if they know what MS stands for. Over/Under is 2.5. Also, Muckfest? We're one letter away from the obstacle course known as The Fantasy Suites.

The girls have to run this obstacle course in a wedding dress and the winner gets a date with Soules. Black Box Jillian is feeling very confident. She should, she has a penis.

Jillian is cruising out of the gate. It’s her and Carly in the early lead. Just like the farm competition 2 weeks ago. Aaannnnddd, Jillian crushes everyone.

Becca, “I have balls swinging at my face.” Even this fruit is too low for me to grab.

Did Carly just say Jillian has a bigger dick than Chris? She did. Carly is fun. I'm in on Carly.

One-on-One w/ Jillian:

Soules, “I'd say Jillian is one of the top three.” Kiss of death.

Soules, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Really, bro?

Jillian mumbling about her fitness competition and how she can never gain her father's approval. Slooowww dooowwwwnnnn, Jillian. I get it, you’re nervous. Chill.

Soules, “It’s nice to listen and not have the pressure of talking.” He’s checked out. “I’ve begun to think about unicorns and dancing fairies. Quite beautiful.” They made him say that, yeah?

Ugh, this is so boooorrrring. Jillian is a lot slurry and being a bit crass. She blames it on her father's sense of humor. She's talking a mile a minute. Jillian, "So far it's going good." Soules isn’t feeling it. No rose for you!

Here come the waterworks. This is their 1^st date, not gonna be a 2^nd. You know what, I’m gonna start bringing a rose on my dates. Put it on the table halfway through the date and see how that goes. You want a 2nd date? Bring your 'A' game. I got a dozen other girls back at an undisclosed mansion I can choose from.

Walk of shame for Jillian. Now who gets the black box?

Cocktail Party

Megan starts off the night by pulling a blindfold out of her bosom and putting it on Soules. She then feeds him some fondue. Mmmmm..... chocolate bananas. No, no, no, Megan. Get your chocolate covered fingers out of Soules' mouth. This is not the time!

Ashley I. is wearing her princess dress from the other night. She takes Soules aside and explicitly tells him that she’s a virgin. Soules, "I did not see that coming." I wouldn’t either if a girl had me rub her belly button ring on night one.  Soules, “I totally respect that.” Take me down to Awkward City. Hugs for you. You’re done Ashley I.

Ashley I. is losing it. For Pete’s sake, the 21 year old with a kid is consoling you. Get it together.

Carly, “Her mouth isn’t a virgin.” Carly is my new best friend.

Whoa! We have another virgin in the house. It's Becca!! Virgin buddies!

Britt is jealous that Soules is spending lots of time with Kaitlyn. Confront him about it, Britt! There's nothing a guy likes more than having you question his integrity and his preference in women. You don't need to explain yourself, Soules.

Soules was not cut out for this show. 

Harrison’s here!!!

Soules, “I’m here to find a wife. I have the right intentions." That’s close enough to ‘right reasons.’ Drink!

Harrison, “Good luck.” Buttslap. Good talk, Chris.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses in hand:

Jade - Cinderella

Kaitlyn - Canadian

1^st rose goes to…

Whitney - Wedding Crasher

Carly - Cruise ship

Megan - Fondue

Blondetourage coming through.

Samantha -  Has he even had a conversation with this girl?

Mackenzie - Child

Kelsey - Drama 

Becca - Virgin #2

2 roses left!

Ashley I. – Dammit!

Harrison, "Ladies, Chris. It’s the final rose tonight. When you're ready." We don't really need Harrison here any more. 

Final rose goes to...

Britt!! - Vanessa Minnillo Lachey

Noooooooo!!!!! Ashely S. is gone. My muse. Down to the final 11.

I'm gonna have to redo my final 3. Doubt any of my original 3 get through at this point. I'll go with Jade, Whitney, and Kaitlyn. 

Ladies, say your good byes to Nikki, Ashley S. and Juelia. Juelia gets the special treatment since she has a kid. Too funny. You know who doesn’t win on this show? People with kids. We need kidless women at all times. It's compliment time... "I hope you find love." "You're a beautiful person." Juelia should be thanking ABC for the vacation without her kid.

Tears from Juelia.

Next week:

Hot air balloons in Santa Fe. Heavy petting with Carly. Kelsey is conniving. Kelsey gets 911 treatment. Dramatically dramatic!

Credits:

Ashley S., “I feel nothing. I'm not sad at all. I have no feelings. I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.” Goodbye, my love!

Wedding Crashers. S19, Ep3.

This special episode of The Bachelor is special because Jimmy Kimmel is here! 

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Soules. He’s clearly surprised coming out of a deep sleep. I'd probably punch Kimmel if he woke me up at 5am.

Harrison later introduces Kimmel to the girls. I would say that most of the girls know who he is. Kimmel introduces himself, “Hello Sister Wives.” Yup, that sounds about right.

Kimmel brings out the ‘Amazing jar,' a swear jar. Gotta add a dollar every time you say 'amazing.' Why would the contestants have money on them? Kimmel leaves the date card, it's for Kaitlyn.

One-on-One w/ Kaitlyn:

Soules and Kaitlyn share a limo ride while sipping champagne on their way to Costco. Well, this is a new date experience. Something a little more normal. I would take this date over just about any other date. Curious how crowded the place is and what free samples they decide to nosh on. 

Soules opens the date card after they step out of the limo. Kimmel sends them on a ‘crazy mission’ to go shopping. Kimmel leaves them his Costco card, which shouldn’t work if the Costco checker is doing their job right. As they shop for enough ketchup to fill a bath tub The Bachelor interns are loading up on alcohol for the girls back at the mansion. 

This has to be the slowest day of all-time at Costco. Where are all the people? More free samples for them, I guess. After doing things that nobody ever does at Costco they get some kissy-kissy time in a giant inflatable ball. Wait, they didn't get any of the free food samples?! You’re doing it wrong!!!

Soules, “What a crazy date at Costco.” No, Soules! No! Bad Soules! Although, he is from Iowa. Maybe going to Costco is considered crazy. Also, whatever happened to Supermarket Sweep? Can we bring that back with the supermarket being a Costco? I'll host.

Back at Soules' place, Kaitlyn is looking to steal some kisses. Kissy-kissy. Where they see chemistry I see awkwardness. Something is off. Meh, what do I care?

Kimmel interrupts the kissing sesh with a house warming gift. “Do you like beef?” asks Kimmel. Surprise! She does. It's whats for dinner.

Kimmel is great. He’s excellent off the cuff. His main goal here is to make them feel uncomfortable. Kimmel, “I assume there is love-making in the fantasy suite. If you win and you watch the show 3 months later and see that he has made love to other women how will that make you feel?"

Kaitlyn, “Can’t take out a car without test driving it.”  

Kimmel, “It’s not gonna get any better than this.”  Get to it, Soules. Time's a wastin'!

Kimmel, "Let’s have a threesome, guys.” Hardy-har-har.

It's just them laughing with their awful laughs now. Look, I wanna have dinner with Kimmel too. I'm sure it would be a barrel of damn monkeys, but I doubt it would be fun to watch on tv. This is what's happening here. They can't stop laughing and my time is being wasted. And so is yours. I'm sorry.

Kaitlyn gets the rose as Kimmel heckles them from in between. The ‘amazings’ are racking up! As Kimmel leaves he snags a few pillows from the outdoor couch. 

Hot tub time! Kissy-kissy. They then do a take with Kimmel in the hot tub eating wings while they’re making out. But, I thought he left. Stupid, but funny.

Wait a minute, what did they do with all the stuff they bought at Costco? That date makes even less sense now.

Jillian is working out. If the cameras weren't there she would be grunting up a storm, Monica Seles style. Why do they keep blocking out her crotch/butt? Does she have a penis?

Group Date:

Are you ready to meet some real party animals? - Jimmy

Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly.

To the limos!!

Farm skill challenge! The challenge: Who can embarrass themselves the fastest? The obstacle course consists of corn shucking, finding an egg in the chicken pen, cracking that egg, milking a goat and then drinking that milk, shoveling manure into a wheelbarrow, and finally wrestling a greased pig and placing it in a pen. Lets get ready to RRRRUUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLEEEEEE!!! 

If she can’t shuck corn she ain’t for Soules.

Hustle, ladies! Hustle! 

Shit, Jillian is wearing a ‘stay classy’ shirt. That’s not played out enough, Jillian. Block that out, ABC.

Carly is in the lead. Drink that goat milk, ladies. Amber says the milk looks “salty and warm. Not something I want in my mouth.” You're not gonna win Prince Farming's heart with that attitude.

Seriously, though, with the blurring of Jillian’s ass. Enough. Let it roll.

Carly Wins! Don Pardo, tell her what she's won! Carly, you've won a blue ribbon and a picture with Chris as you re-enact American Gothic. Neato.

Commercial: Everyone, Whoopie’s back on The View! Thank god.

Group Date Rooftop Drinks:

Carly snags him first. “You are a man and I am a women.” She goes in for the kiss. And Iiiii-eee-iii will always love you. Carly, put away the karaoke machine, you're not on The Princess Royal.

Dancing with Amber. Kissy-kissy.

Mackenzie is confused cuz he’s kissing all these girls. She doesn’t feel special anymore. She’s right, she’s not special. She flat out asks him why he’s kissing everyone else. Damn, Mackenzie. Stop being so jelly. 

Britt is feeling weird about the situation. Come on craziness. Show yourself!! Where are you?!

Becca has about as normal a convo with Soules as you can on this show. Becca, if it doesn’t work out with Soules I live in the San Diego area. She’s playing hard to get. He’s gonna want to chase that dragon. Good for Becca. She has a pretty good gameplan.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion. Whitney is talking. Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! My ears!

She gets the one-on-one. "Tomorrow is gonna be fun. No whining." – Jimmy

Dammit, I have to listen to her voice for at least one full segment. I may have to fast forward that.

Well, well, well. Look who the rose goes to. It goes to Becca! Her plan is in full effect!

Carly is sad. Get over it. You caught a greased pig all for our enjoyment. No rose for you! 

One-on-One w/ Whitney:

The two of them head to a winery in Malibu. I mean, where else would it be? Good god this voice. I don’t even know what to do here. Muting would be the easy way out but then I wouldn't be able to hear Soules trip over his words, too.

Whitney says she always meets people at airports. She’s the reason for headphones in public. Now that $400 price tag on Dre Beats is starting to sound reasonable.. I wish I could describe her voice. She's from Chicago but has a chipmunky high-pitched Tennessee accent mixed with a jack hammer, airhorn, and nails down a chalkboard.

Hey, there's a wedding goin' on at the Winery cuz of course it is. Oh, they’re gonna crash it. "YOLO!" Shut up, Whitney. 

They attempt to have a back story to make their wedding crash seem plausible. How can this possibly go wrong?

“There's something about wedding days that are so romantic.” Whitney, are you even listening to yourself talk?

After they change clothes they take a limo to the reception. They even bought a gift. How is this gonna work without seeming staged? The cameras manage to stay far enough away, it seems.

She thinks that someone is gonna recognize him. She’s probably right. The story is that they are engaged and they have to be quiet about it. That story is actually pretty decent. They could pull this off.

They’re just sitting at a random table.  Soules is terrible at this. Improv is not his strongsuit. Stammering is, though. At least Whitney is there to save him.

They’re onto you, Soules. Run!! Run!! Grab some cake first!

They manage to get on the dance floor. She reels him in like a dead fish. They also do the shopping cart and the lawn mower. Oh, the farmer definitely knows how to do the lawn mower. Don't ask him what kind of mower, though. That's like a 20 minute conversation that you won't be able to get out of.

Whitney gets into the bouquet toss. Damn, she really went for that bouquet. Somebody believes in omens.

Slow dancing at the wedding. Kiss her so she shuts up! Kissy-kissy. Thank you, Soules.

Pretty cool wedding setting. I really enjoy the winery wedding. 

Amazing amazing amazing amazing. Gaaah, we get it! They keep ringing a damn bell when anyone says amazing, but there’s no tracker. Do the producers not watch sports? Put numbers in corners! Numbers in corners!!!!

Whitney gets a rose. He can imagine her being his wife. Hey, it’s your funeral, bro. She accepts the rose like she would if she were asked to be engaged. She’s bonkers. But, she's Chris's bonkers. He's into this chick.

Pool party!

Kimmel tells the ladies to get ready for the pool as he leaves with the 'amazing' money jar. Where did they get all those ones? 

Ashley I. wants to do her Kardashian look tonight cuz of course she does. She loooooves having that look. Eff her.

Here comes Chris into the pool! Cannonball!

Kaitlyn, "It's like sharks on a poor little innocent sea lion.” Fine, she's growing on me.

Uh-oh, Juelia wants to tell him about her past, mainly the story of her husband committing suicide. What a Debbie Downer. We were having fun in the pool, drinking Miami Vice’s and you gotta come in with your awful headband on and ruin the fun.

She’s lost someone and it's made her realize that you never know when you can lose someone.

Life is short. Don't sweat the small stuff. Blah, blah, blah... All of this is true, but I'm not in the mood for this on The Bachelor.

The suicide story goes sort of like this. Her husband came home from work one night and told her that he wrote a suicide note. "How can you do this with your daughter over there." Oh boy, here come the tears. Juelia, "That night he snapped and turned into a different person." Look what you made your husband do, Juelia! She left the house that night. The next day they talked in the morning, Later in the day she gets a text, "I’m sorry. I love you." He shot himself. You’re on your own here, Soules. Did she not pay a psych for this. Why do I have to listen to this? I feel bad for Chris here. He's handling it about as well as he can.

That’s a hard way to go about trying to get a kiss, Juelia. Hugs for you. Friend zone.

At least the girls are leaving them alone. Nice that they realize the gravity of that talk. Either that or they have a game of flip-cup going on. I got my money on flip-cup game.

Back to the fun pool party:

Ashley I. is feeling threatened. But you have a Kardashian look that will impress him.

Britt just wants to kiss. Shut the eff up, Soules! Kissy-kissy

Jade, it’s a game. Get your game face on! “Let’s go see your place.”

Jillian, following Jade and Soules, heads on down to his hot tub wearing a black box. Why, ABC? Why? It makes no sense. They are ALL wearing bikinis. Stop being stupid! This black box is making me so mad!

Jade and Soules jump on the bed and it's make out time. Soules has to be thinking that it can’t be this easy. Hey man, when you're The Bachelor it doesn't get any easier. Yes, porn remix music! Heels in bed! Jade is making moves!! Hey now. The camera guy is loving this.

Hahahahaha! Awkwardness, as they see Jillian chilling in the hot tub when they walk out of the room. Soules is walking a little funny. Get in the hot tub as soon as possible, Chris!

Megan, Mackenzie, and Ashley I, aka. The Immature Crew, try to devise a plan to interrupt Jillian’s time. Jillian gets some kissy-kissy, aaaaandddd Mackenzie is first to go interrupt. You can tell her to do anything and she’ll do it. Mackenzie, this smells funny, eat it.

Now all four are in the tub. Ashley I. is drunk(?). This is boring and awkward. I’m done with this.

Stop crying Ashley I., “I would have given other girls one-on-one time if I already had 10 minutes with him.”  No you wouldn't. Stop.

Everyone is back at the house, Soules grabs Ashley I. She’s crying and coming off needy. Brutal. What would a Kardashian do?! Well, what would a Virgin Kardashian do? A Virgin Kardashian just goes in for the kiss. A Kardashian would do more, Ashley I. Lots more. The girls are super aggressive this season. Damn.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses in hand:

Kaitlyn - 25/Costco

Becca – 25/Playing hard to get.

Whitney – 29/Muted Mouse

Kimmel and Harrison give Soules some advice. Is he even listening?

1^st rose goes to

Jade - 28/Heels in bed

Samantha - 27/I'm sorry, who?

Juelia - 30/Hug zone

Mackenzie - 21/I don't know either

Kelsey - 28/Widower, too!

Britt - 27/ACTING!

Megan - 24/Make-up artist

Carly - 29/Obstacle course champion.

Ashely S. - 24/Nothing fun from her this week. Bummer.

Ashley I. is starting to lose it.

Nikki - 26/Some brunette

Jillian - 25/Possible man

Kimmel, "Ladies. This is the final rose of the night." Hey, anyone can do Harrison's job!

Ashley I. - 26/Kardashian look

Gone are Tracy (The 1st of my final 3 to go. :(. Hit me up gurrrl), Amber, and some blonde girl.

Amber hates being rejected ‘again.’ Will someone puh-leeze date the good looking bartender from Chicago. 

Next Week: 

We find out that we have a second virgin! The horror!

Britt’s craziness comes out?

Credits:

Harrison, “Jimmy take a moment and say your goodbyes.” Kimmel exit interview in the limo while crying with fat suit kimmel as the limo driver. 

The Walking Dead. S19, Ep2

Do I know how to call 'em or what?! Last week I mentioned that Josh and Andi probably weren't gonna tie the knot. As you may have heard, last week Josh and Andi broke off their engagement from the previous installment of Bachelorette. I never wish ill or revel in other couples break-ups, that's not very fun. Full disclosure, about 90% of these couples break up. Just go with those odds and we'll be okay. It was bound to happen. That said, the two of them just didn't look comfy with each other last week. Oh well, onward and upward!

Continued from last week's Bachelor… The girls with roses are celebrating. Kimberly walks back in and wants a chat with Soules. She feels like she didn’t get a chance to talk to Soules. Yeah she effing did. Carpe Diem, Kimberly. “I feel like I was supposed to meet you.” You did. She’s trying to show emotion, it’s not pretty. By now they’ve been up ALL night. These chicks are shot. Soules has a sidebar with Harrison. Soules decides to give Kimberly a rose. HA! Soules is spineless. The rest of the girls are obvi totes ecstatic. Golf clap. Kimberly, where did that X on your back come from?

After their naps...

Harrison and Soules having a heart to heart at his place  Wait a minute, where is he staying? Is he next door? Oh, dayuuumm! He’s right down the driveway. The contestants are gonna burn a path to his door. I’m all for this new move. He might find one of them in his closet waiting for him, or in his bed, or cooking cereal, or looking in the mirror at herself. Endless possibilities for craziness to come from.

Drunk Tara, “Last night was fun.” Oh, yeah?

Again, some dummy says, “He’s amazing.” For crying out loud. I want him to brand a cow in front of them, then we’ll see how amazing he is.

Group Date #1: Show Me Your Country

Kimberly, Tara, Mackenzie, Jade, Tandra, and Ashley I.

Megan is jealous. Call the waaaahhh-mbluance.

Surf bro Soules is in the house!

Soules is “pumped" for this date. They head to downtown LA, which is always a ghost town. LA is weird that way. They meet Soules on a rooftop. Hug line!

Pool party!! Damn right. Get in your bathing suits ladies!

One-on-one w/ Kimberly. Hey, she FINAAAALLLYYY gets some time with him! Thank goodness. Did I mention that Soules is spineless?

Back at the house girls be snooping. Jillian and Megan sneak into Soules place. He has a motorcycle in the living room? What? Why? I need to stop asking questions that clearly have no easy answer. How many mimosas have these two girls had today? Megan is wearing Soules' motorcylce helmet and banging her head on wall, fridge, just about anything she can hit her head on. She's a keeper.

Chris and I on our 1st date

Back to the Group date. The girls are walking around downtown LA in their bikinis. Anything for a man. Right, ladies? I wonder what we could be doing in LA wearing bikinis..

TRACTOR RACE!!!

ABC shut down a street for this? I hope none of them get gonorrhea.

Sidenote: That clip is a must watch. It's from my favorite Seinfeld episode ever, The Burning, and is too good to not use for this tractor date. 

It's like The Bachelor producers are inside my head.

Ashley I. has the 'need for speed.' The tractors don’t go any faster than 5 mph. Ashley, not slowed down by her hula hoop sized earrings, wins! Her parents must be beaming. "That's our girl." She gets some one-on-one with Soules.

Back at the Mansion... We discover Juelia has a daughter. She's at least the 3rd contestant to leave her kid, the love of their lives, at home to find love vs. 29 other women on a game show. - I'm sick of baby love. I want real man love. - Whoa! Juelia's baby-daddy committed suicide! What the fudge?! She wants to tell Chris all about her trauma, cause, you know, he will love that. Who wouldn’t want to take this on?

Back at the Group Date: Mackenzie’s self esteem is through the floor. 21 year olds generally get eaten alive on this show. Always gotta be one in the group.

Soules decides to take a one-on-one with Mackenzie. Bullshit! I call bullshit! This is the producers idea. What the hell is going on? He left the rose on the table too! The rest of the girls are dumbfounded. I don't get it either. 

With Mackenzie we find out that Soules used to have an earring. It's hard in small town America, you guys.

She says that he has a perfect big nose. She is struggling while trying to figure this out. She is young and acts young and asks questions like, “Do you believe in aliens?” Soules, “The fact that she’s talking about aliens is a red flag.” Why is she here?

She is scared to tell Soules something. She tells Soules that she has a kid. A one year old named Kale. His name probably starts with 'C' but eff that. He's a vegetable.  Aaaaannnnddd, here come the phone pics. I think you can get some heroine down the street, Soules.

Mackenzie gets a rose! Am I taking crazy pills? Kissy-kissy. Dammit, Chris!

Doorbell!

Date card

Megan gets it. That betch!

Megan is confused as to whether this is a date or not. Has she not seen the show before? If you're a contestant I need to know if you've seen the show or not. That should replace 'profession' under the contestant's name.

Mackenzie is rehashing the night with the others. "We kissed and danced..." She’s wearing her bad idea jeans. Sweet, young Mackenzie. Don’t!!! Too much info! She’s gonna get burned to the ground by these jackals.

CHRIS IS HERE!! AHHHH!! AHHHHH!! 

1-on-1 w/ Megan: Love is a natural wonder.

Megan is a makeup artist? She’s cute. Makeup, eh, not so much.

On the date they get a private plane to Vegas. Helicopter sighting! First one of the season! Drink! They take a scenic tour of Vegas, over Hoover Dam and then into the Grand Canyon. 

Megan, “This is the most amazing day of my life.” No way, Jose. Think a little harder.

Picnic on the Colorado River at the base of the Grand Canyon. Cheers!

Hey, Megan. I was wondering if you have a crazy story that can top Juelia's husband/suicide story. Oh, you do? Cool... Her boss told her that she needed to go on the Bachelor. Anywaaay, during the process her dad had a heart attack became brain damaged and then passed away. How is she not crying through this story? I've lost a parent and don’t think I could hold myself together like that. She's lying. Only possible excuse. Kissy-kissy.

Megan gets a rose! You get a rose! And you get a rose! And you get a rose!  More kissy-kissy.

Megan, “I’ve never liked a guy this much my entire life.”  Where's the chill?

Group Date #2: Til death do us part

Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley A, Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt.

To the limos!

The girls park in the middle of some abandoned area. They are in the limos and freaking out about what may happen. Are they serious? What’s going to happen. Oh, zombies are there. Ugh, these girls are so dumb. You’re on a tv show!! Nothing is going to happen to you!

Ashley S. is calmly trying to get out the car. She’s mentally stable, though. This chick is fantastic! I can't scream this loud enough.

CHRIS IS HERRRREEE!!!  This fake zombie ordeal was terrifying to the women. This doesn’t count as a fear date, btw.

Paintball! They have to kill some zombies. Coach Soules is trying to get these girls pumped up. The girls are all ah-mah-zing at paintball, so say some of them.

Ashley S. wants to shoot the other girls. Kaitlyn on Ashley S., “She shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle.” I like Ashley S. She could be a serial killer, though.

Why won't the zombies be shooting at the girls? This is rigged.

Is this the same paintball place that was in 10 Things I Hate About You? It's not, but it gave me a good excuse to watch that scene. RIP Heath.

So much screaming. Good lord, ladies. Pull it together.

Ashley just walks through the zombies. No fear! She’s the best. Fantastically crazy. She’s continuing to shoot guys that are already dead over and over.  

“She’s in a different world. No question.” Soules on Ashley S.

Ashley S. is just racking up the cover blurbs for when her self-help book comes out.

Paintball is over! Yay, alcohol! Soules, “You guys killed it today.” Hardy-har-har. Derp.

Back at the house. Jordan is hamstered. She’s the student. You know, the one who brought Jameson nibs as her first impression out of the limo. Oh, we learn she can twerk a wall while doing a handstand against it. Neat! Also, talking smack on Jillian, "She has a hairy ass crack." Excited to see how that plays out later.

Commercial

Kaitlyn gets a little one-on-one time.  She moved to Germany for a dude. BORING! Kissy-kissy. Soules is going for it. He’s had a pretty good couple of days if you ask me.

Ashley-land looks fun. She is in her own little world. Amber, “Something's not all there.” 

HEY! AMBER! YOU SHUT UP! LEAVE ASHLEY S. ALONE!!

Ashley S., “Like that’s how I feel. Like, boom!” “Go find your own way to the truth." Seriously, guys.

Like, boom!

She wants to be the hider while playing a game of hide-and-seek with Soules. There is no way she is drunk. I don’t think they've had enough time to get to that point. She is just legitimately kinda nutso. Or pills maybe. Something's up.

Her attention span is so... oh, look! A butterfly!

Ashley S. walks in on Soules doing an interview with the producers. She is losing it. “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world either.” I love her! She's just laying in the street talking to a cat. Who doesn't do that? You're weird if you don't.

Britt gets some one-on-one. He is smitten with her. She’s definitely the frontrunner at this point but those tend to fade near the end. She’s got crazy eyes, too. I can see them.  Soules is gonna lose his mind around episode 5 with all these women.  Kissy-kissy.

Soules trusts his gut and gives the rose to Kaitlyn. Seemed like the easy call.

Britt is confused that she didn't get the rose. Stop, Britt. Stop.

Cocktail Party

Chris is looking sharp. Looks like a dude who just had a montage of trying on clothes in last weeks episode.

Whitney has a little surprise for him. She gives him a bottle of whiskey(?) after saying that her bro in law is from Iowa. Way to sneak that in. It’s gonna be ingrained in his brain due to her voice. Yikes.

How is Mackenzie still there?

Ashley I. says she’s never had a boyfriend before and that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie, who gets all her info from 90's rom-coms starring Jennifer Aniston, says that guys like it when they take your virginity. “I can’t even use that cause I have a kid.” Yup, can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, Mackenzie.

Ashley I., where would you like to have your virginity taken? A suite in Thailand after receiving a note from Chris Harrison. Sounds romantic. Definitely memorable.

Ashley I. tells Soules, “You have 3 wishes on my belly button.” What now? 1^st wish is, you guessed it, kissy-kissy. Rub the belly….. ooohhh, boy!! Ashley is really getting up in there. I know she's never had sex before but has she ever kissed a boy before. My word. She's eating his face. Soules is dead.

Britt is crying. I’m telling you right meow, she is gonna be a disaster! Can’t wait.

Amber, goes right in the for kiss. Atta girl, get aggressive! She comes back and tells drunk Jordan. It’s showtime with Jordan! She’s hammered. If we know anything it's that the drunker you get the better your chance to get a rose. And she's been by far the drunkest.

Rose Ceremony

Roses in tow:

Mackenzie -21/Why is she still here?

Kaitlyn - 29/Canadian.

Megan  - 24/Make-up

Soules, “The girls are just awesome.”  Bingo! Hey everyone, I just got Bachelor Bingo!

*Britt - 27/The crazy is coming. It has to.

Ashley I. - 26/Virgin from Jersey

Trina - 33/Really gonna lose it when she gets booted.

Tara with an eye roll - I know they're edited, but they're so funny.

Kelsey - 28/Haven't really touched the surface of her sob story yet.

Samantha - 27/ Yeeaaaahhh, she's there, but, I mean, is she really there?

Juelia - 30/Husband suicide/That 'e' is starting to really bother me.

Jillian, mistaking her name for Juelia's, goes forward and almost eats it on the rug as she laughs maniacally! Nice recovery, Jillian! Those squats are paying off.  The girls reactions are priceless. Speak up, Soules!!

Laughing on the inside.

Amber - 29/Diverse

*Tracy - 29/Teacher

Jillian - 25/Hairy ass?

Jade - 28/Ummmm

Nikki - 26/Basic

*Becca - 25/Fellow San Diegan

Carly - 29/Cruise Ship Singer. Gone next week.

Whitney - 29/That voice, though.

Final Rose goes to…

Ashley S.! - 24/HAHAHA!! Amazing!!! 

Gone are Drunk Tara, Drunk Jordan, Kimberly, Tandra, and Alissa. Kimberly needs to come back again and do the same thing she did in the beginning of the episode. That would be the icing on the cake.

I know 1 or 2 more of these brunettes have been eliminated but I can't tell them apart for the life of me.

28 year old Kimberly is sad cause she doesn’t have a family. Kimberly, sweetheart, it's gonna be okay.

Get it together, Tara. “I never seem to be anybody’s number one.” Tara, crying as she hears them celebrate inside. This is gold. “This will haunt me the rest of my life.” I wish I was watching this episode with her tonight to see the regret on her face.

Next week:

Jimmy Kimmel wakes up Soules. Bachelor is killing it this season so far.

.

Credits:

Jordan, wake up! Gotta embarrass her on the way out, I guess.

I don't ask for much but please like my Facebook page and/or follow me @BachOnBach on Twitter. Thanks for reading!

Death of a Soulesman. S19, Ep1

Welcome, to Bachelor Season number 19! The most something, something ever. Let's get to it, I'm not gonna waste your time like this 3 hour(!) premier episode of The Bachelor did. This season's Bachelor is Iowan Farmer Chris Soules. When we last left Soules, The Farmer Bachelor, cause he apparently has no other redeeming quality according to the Bachelor producers other than being a "farmer," he was having Andi do him a favor by dumping him. Now look at him, Bacheloring it up in Hollywood (woooowwww, look at the size of that Hollywood sign) attempting to get a girl to move to Iowa with him. Good luck with that, pal.

If you're not familiar with Chris Soules let me refresh your memory. He's from a city in Iowa with a population of 400(!). That population number includes silos and cows, which we see plenty of. He likes motorcycles, seems pretty down to earth, and is easy on the eyes. I'm comfortable in my manhood telling you that. 

Obligatory workout with hay bales/hang with family/riding motorcycle montage. Wait, why is Cody there? Who the hell is Cody? Nevermind, it's not important.

Let's go LIVE to the red carpet! Chris Harrison, ex-contestants, fans lining the sidewalk. This is ridiculous. It's pretty much a free trip to LA for the former contestants who want minutes 14 and 15 on their resume.

Let's check in on the fame whores, shall we.

Hey, Sean and Catherine are here. Ugh. Tell us more about how you practice making babies. Gross. Oh, you stayed in on New Years Eve, the most overrated night of the year and wore sweatpants and watched Rockin' Eve with Seacrest Out. You're soooo normal. Scram you two!

Sharleen, hello, wants nothing to do with the camera. I always liked you, Sharleen. Erica Rose is taking selfies. You know, the chick that always wears that tired tiara. Dammit, I know who she is! She wins, doesn't she? Did you know that each time you take a seflie a part of your soul dies. It's true, I read it on the internet.

Lacey and Markus are here. Who? No one cares. She’s doing the 80/40 thing that she did on BIP. Stop trying to make the 80/40 thing happen. It’s so not fetch. Her voice. Good lord. Sorry Markus. Or is it Marcus? Doesn't matter.

"Wooooo!!! Wooooo!!!" That's all I'm hearing from the Red Carpet, Ellen watching, zumba thinking about doing, bon-bon eating crowd. GO HOME!!! There is literally NOTHING to see here! Nothing!

Let's meet some of the ladies vying for farmer love. 

Britt - 27/Waitress/Hollywood. She’s from LA, No way she’s moving to Iowa. She's a waitress who lives in Hollywood. So cliche. Let's see if Soules can figure out if she's acting or not this season. I bet he can't. We see her holding a 'free hugs' sign in Hollywood. I’ll give you a hug. It’ll cost you $5 though. Just ask the guy dressed as Darth Vader how that works. He knows what's up.

Jillian - 25/News Producer/DC. She. Is. Yoked! We get to see her doing all sorts of exercises. That's about it. Did I mention that she is jacked and is proud of it? Hope that's not a theme for her. She could do some damage this season. Physically and emotionally.

Amanda - 24/Ballet instructor/Chicago burbs. This bitch be crazy. Look out, Chris! Hope she sticks around for a bit.

Whitney - 29/Fertility Nurse/Chicago. Good god, that voice is tough. You're not from Chicago, are ya? Freeze your eggs sweetie. Hold up, and she has a tiny dog?!  No, no, no, no, no...

McKenzie - 21(!)/Dental Asst/WA. 21 with a kid! Sorry, too young and with child. See ya. Thank ABC for the trip to LA.

Alisa - 24/Flight Attendant/NJ. She does some schtick on a fake plane with real actors/passengers. I hope they got a free lunch for the day. It seriously is like 3 rows of a fake plane. While she was telling us how to use oxygen masks and where the exits are I had my headphones on listening to The Serial podcast. Which, by the way, is awful. 10 hours wasted, just like I'm gonna waste 30+ hours on this show.

Kelsey - 28/Guidance Counselor/Austin. She's our sob story for this season. She's a widow due to her husband having a heart attack. Her friends definitely put her up to this. She doesn't want to be there but those are the ones that can go a bit of distance. She's really sweet. Let's put her in the 'possible Bachelorette' category.

Commercial

Fudge, more Red Carpet. Clare is holding a baby. Don’t trust Clare with the baby

Josh and Andi are here. Helllloooo eyebrows. I swear Andi is a robot. Harrison prods them about marriage, Ain’t happenin’ you two. Sorry.... Harrison asks them, “Do you think Chris is gonna find love?” When does anyone say ‘no?’ Um, Andi didn't freakin' want to go to Iowa. Soules is gonna have a hard time here finding someone who does want to move to Bumblescum, IA.

Commercial

Nikki, my fellow Missourah girl is in the house! Whaddup girl. She is looking good. Blah, blah, blah... Juanny P sucks... Also, the director is not showing off the plunging neck line. Hey, you wanna get the 18-49 male demographic, yeah? She says they tried to make the relationship work, “Real life tried not tv show tried.” That's the realest thing anyone has ever said on this show. RIP Juanny P. Nikki, call me.

We're still on Nikki.

I’m zoning out with this convo. I've moved on to looking to see who is picking their nose in the background. We have a winner, Brooks!! She has no regrets. Certainly not living in KC.

Geeezusss, why is Chris still talking to her? This has gone on for 10 minutes. Next!

Commercial

We are inside with the live studio audience! No more red carpet!! Harrison gets the laugh track treatment on his lame jokes.

Soules is on his hog driving to LA. Did he ride that bike all the way from Iowa? Having a bike is a nice problem to have in LA. The traffic won’t be a problem for him. He's a mosquito is the traffic jam of life.

Time to try on clothes, Soules.  Poked and prodded, having people judge you and telling you what to wear. This seems like torture.

He really likes to mention how he’s from a small town. We have cows and 1 stop light. Drink!!

Walking into the mansion. Soules doesn’t take a black light to ANY of the rooms. You might wanna do that. They hosed down the driveway at least.

Commercial

Limo time - Let's meet the ladies!!!

Britt is 1st - Waitress/Hollywood. She’s crying, or trying to. Directors in Hollywood take note. There’s a reason you’re waitressing and not acting. She gives him a free hug card. Keep that, It's gonna come in handy later, Soules.

Whitney - Fertility Nurse/Chicago. She's gotta go.

Kelsey - Widow. Man, is she nice. Almost too nice. Has an 'America's Sweetheart' thing to her.

Megan - 24/Makeup Artist/Nashville. “He’s amazing." Seriously. These girls have no idea what kind of guy he is. But he's amazing.

Ashley I - 26/Freelance Journo/Wayne NJ. I’m a fan. Don't know how Soules feels. She's a pretty brunette and has a vagina, so probably pretty good.

Limo #2

Trina - 33/Special-Ed Teacher/Orange County. Sorry, too old. Buh-bye.

Reegan - 28/Donated Tissue Specialist/Manhattan Beach, CA. She brought him an actual heart. What the actual fuck! J/K it’s a fake heart. She is effing bananas, buh-bye. Also, if you have a kid, don't name them Reegan!!

Tara - 26/Sport Fishing Enthusiast/Ft. Lauderdale. Cool job, I guess? Anything that you're enthused about is a hobby. Her hook is that she's dressed in country gear, like she's ready for a Luke Bryan concert. She goes in the house and immediately starts downing Jameson. She then changes into a dress sneaks back into the limo and does the whole intro thing again. Can’t wait to see her get ripped up. Chris is mystified to see her get out of the limo a second time. She has a twin?! No, Chris, it's the same drunk girl.

Amber - 29/Bartender/Chicago. The black one? I think.

Nikki - 26/Former Cheerleader/NYC. She gets glossed over. But what do you do for work NOW!

Limo #3

Amanda - Ballet teacher. Bitch be cray.

Jillian - Still ripped up. Why did god put these rocks in my arms!!??

Mackenzie - 21/Dental Asst. Nope.

Ashely S - 25/Hair Stylist/Brooklyn. She has no idea where she is. She seems lost.  She found a penny at the airport and put it in Soules' shoe sole. You guys, it's good luck! Swear to god, if she didn't wash her hands after picking up that airport penny!

Kaitlyn - 29/Dance Instructor/Vancouver. She has the line of the night. "You can plow the fuck outta my field any day." Whoa! You go Glen Coco! Love you Kaitlyn. She has matching tats above her elbows. Something tells me she’s not gonna work out. Mainly cause Soules is boring and he can't handle that.

Halftime!

Soules goes inside for a bit to chat up the contestants. "I've never been around this much beauty before.” Except in my field with all my cows. Bessie's the prettiest. I put makeup on her. We dance the tango. If she's in a good mood she'll let me milk her. TMI, Soules. TMI.

Kaitlyn wants to tell a joke.  Plleeeeaaassseeee let her!!!! Yes! Walrus joke about having sex with a tight seal. She’s the next Bachelorette NOW!! Let's start the season today!

Some of these dolts think there’s no more ladies coming. Don’t act like you've never seen the show. You're better than that, ladies. Or maybe they're not. Psssttt, they're not.

Britt is still on an audition. Farmboy can’t figure it out. Don’t kiss her yet, bro.

Harrison puts the 1st Impression Rose on the table! Oh shit! It's on! Love seeing the rose out in the open. Like chum in the water. Bitches be circling.

Harrison interviewing people in the live crowd from Soules' hometown. This isn't AFV, Harrison. Where's Tom Bergeron when you need him?

Commercial

Soules is still chatting up the ladies.

Whitney, “I make babies everyday.” Food babies, but they're still babies.

Earlier someone gave him a note from the limo but didn't come meet him. It's his secret admirer, Amanda, the crazy ballet teacher. Chris found her!! Peek-a-boo. She has big eyes, say the girls behind her back. She does. I’m all for eye contact, but she is looking like she's in the torture chair from A Clockwork Orange. Bring it down a notch, kiddo.

Here come more limos full of soberer girls than the ones we already met. Advantage, limos 4-6!

Commercial - Fuck, more Kevin Hart. C’mon. Enough is enough! I'd rather have the talking m&m's back in my life. Wait. What if? Is he? Nahhh.

Limo #4

Samantha - 27/Fashion Designer/LA. Claws come out from the 1st 15 when she walks in. Meow.

Michelle - 25/Cake Decorator/Provo, UT. Another good looking brunette. Soules has a type.

Juelia (yup, spelled that way) - 30/Esthetician/Oregon

Becca - 25/Chiropractic Asst/San Diego. Have we met?

Tandra - 30/Executive Asst/Utah. She rides in on a motercycle. Soules puts a pillow over his crotch.

Limo #5

Alissa - 24/Flight Attendant/NJ- She brings her prop seatbelt from a plane. She's gonna either blindfold him with a seat belt or handcuff him. Kinky.

Jordan - 24/Student/CO. Brings whiskey. They do a shot in the driveway. My kinda girl.

Nicole - 31/Real Estate Agent/Scottsdale. She's wearing a pig nose cause she likes to “ham it up." Word of advice, Nicole. The only thing he's gonna associate with you from now on is a pig. Don't do that! You're gone.

Brittany - 26/WWE Diva in Training/Orlando. She brings a sign that says #Soulesmates. Florida chicks, man.

Carly- 29/Cruise Ship Singer/Arlington, TX. She strolls up singing into a kiddie karaoke machine. Oh god, and she's wearing what appears to be a princess dress. She might be my 3 year old niece. She gone.

Limo #6. “Make the girls stop coming!” says one of the girls. Phrasing.

Soules,“This is crazy.” Is it? It is.

Tracy - 29/4th Grade Teacher/FL.  I left my kids for this. Awesome, nothing but movies from the substitute for a month. She does damage. Gotta be one of the finalists.

Bo - 25/Plus Size Model/CA. My ass! She weighs like a buck forty. She's no plus size model. Call her that when she hits two bills. 

Kimberly - 28/Yoga Instructor/Long Island. Namaste.

Kara - 25/HS Soccer Coach/KY. She's already talking babies. See ya.

Jade - 28/Cosmetics Developer/LA,CA. You better not be testing on any animals!! I'm in. Top 5.

Whew! Now we’re done. 30 hoes for Farmer Chris.

He has his work cut out for him, for one night at least. 30 is too many. 25 should be the cutoff.

“You’re not a regular guy. You’re amazing.” Drinks are a-flowing.

Soules, "We grow the best pork.” Oh god we’re on to farming talk again.

Get in there ladies. You wanna get that rose, get aggressive. Time is ticking. This ain’t real life. Listen to the dramatic music!! It’s crescendoing. Go! Go!

Commercial

Soules is a brunette guy. This seems pretty clear.

He wishes he was a polygamist right now. That can be done, buddy. There's a few chicks from Utah in your harem.

Drunk Ashley S. talking about onions. She’s had some wine. Some dizziness there. She’s probably gonna get bounced, I hope she stays. Ashley S. interrupts the WWE chick who's talking to Soules. Oh, damn! She just got suplexed! She’s just rambling now. “It’s a freaking onion! Nope, it’s a pomegranate." She’s seems like a fun drunk. Harmless.

Mackenzie, the 21 year old, is having a hard time here. Conversation not really flowing. She'll go home soon. Be with your kid!! 

Tara tells us she has 3 best friends. It’s all alcohol people. Jack Daniels, Jameson and Jim Bean. She’s a train wreck and calls herself out on it. She’s great. More Tara! More Tara!

Britt, the Hollywood waitress, gets the 1st Impression rose. No shit, Soules is smitten. Kissy Kissy. She looks so much like Vannessa Lachey. Very easy on the eyes. She still won't ever act anywhere legit, but The Bachelor is close enough. Final 3, fo' sho'.

Back to the live audience. These poor people gotta sit in this stupid studio and watch this episode. That would suck. No wine? No couch? Maybe some twitter if your phone battery doesn't die. This is by far the worst of the 3 live studio settings The Bachelor does.

Michelle Money does some talking. Don't. Maybe there is some wine in there somewhere.

This might actually be the AFV studio. Tom Bergeron and Harrison need to have a night when they switch hosting gigs. For reals. ABC, that one’s free.

Commercial

Rose Ceremony

We’ve replaced the roses with stalks of corn. Let’s see if the ladies notice.

Roses given to:

*Britt - 27/1st Impression Rose/Brunette

Kaitlyn - 29/Dirty Mouth/Brunette

Jade - 28/Learned nothing about her/Brunette

Girls be stressing

Samantha - 27/Brunette

Ashley I. - 26/Brunette

Tandra - 30/Motorcycle Chick/Blonde

Nikki - 26/Former Cheerleader/Brunette

Kelsey - 28/Widow/Brunette

Megan - 24/Makeup Artist/Dirty Blonde

Drunk Tara is losing it.

Alissa - 24/Flight Att/Brunette

Amber - 29/Bartender/Brunette. Is she black? Should I be asking that?

Juelia - 30/Dirty Blonde

*Becca - 25/Brunette. San Dango in the house!

Trina - 33/Blonde.  Good for her getting a rose. You have something to live for!

Give Tara a rose, dude. DO IT!!

Chris leaves, He was gonna pick Tara but she’s hamstered!  He talks to Harrison bout it bout it.

Talk yourself into it, Soules! Do it!

The girls who aren’t drunk and don't get roses are gonna lose their shit if he gives one to Tara!  Let this happen, for me. Please, Soules.

Mackenzie - 21/Derp/Brunette. Really?

*Tracy - 29/Teacher/Brunette

TARA!!! YESSSS!!!!! - 26/Drunk/Blonde

Jordan - 24/Student/Blonde

Overheard, "I can't believe the drunk girls are getting the roses." So get drunk, maybe you're boring.

Jillian - 25/Works out/Brunette

Whitney - 29/Fertility Nurse/Blonde. C'mon Soules.

Carly - 29/Karaoke/Blonde. I mean it, Soules. Stop playin'.

Last rose!

Ashley S! A drunk girl gets the last rose! You betch! I stayed sober to get ousted?!

(* denotes my final 3)

They all say good bye. It’s like not getting picked during pledge week for a sorority. Girls are so mean to each other. Such passive aggressiveness. It’s daylight already for these exit interviews. Get some sleep, you guys. You've got a long day of sitting at the pool tomorrow.

Tears.

Kara is humiliated. Stop. You weren't good enough. Deal. Go write about it in your diary.

Group Hug!!!

Kimberly is heading back in. Oh, you thought you were embarrassed when you got bounced the first time?? Just wait. Nope, no one remembers you even 2 minutes after you did that. For some reason this is a teaser for next week. Look,the people who watch this garbage are gonna watch no matter what. No reason for teasers.

Sneak peak for the rest of the season! It’s dramatically dramatic!

We have hot air balloons. Alcohol. Echoing in a canyon. Kissing. Motorcycles. Bikinis.

Rafting. Ice Hockey. Kissing. Glass slippers. A shitty country band. Someone dies, maybe. Crying

Alcohol. Silos! Cows! SILOS! COWS!

Someone says “I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair.” Prove it! After the 'plowing my field' comment from Kaitlyn, this is gonna be the #2 quote of the season.

"I've made a huge mistake" - Soules. Maybe he watches Arrested Development. Doubt it.

Crying.

Crying.

More Crying.

The show's name still has not been changed to Crazy Bitches Be Crying. Not sure why.

Whoa! This IS the most dramatic season everrrr!!!!!

See you next week, Nerds!