Seoul II Seoul. S18, Ep4

Reading Time: 10 minutes.

It's the last night of Juan-uary.  Aw, man. Last chance for a $5 footlong, ladies.  On with the show!

Good morning, Chris!  It's probably around noon.

We've got 13 lovely ladies left.  "Pack those bags," says Harrison.  "We're going to the home of K-Pop and Gangnam Style."  Seriously?  That's what S. Korea is known for?  I guess.  Maybe the '88 Summer Olympics when Ben Johnson cheated in the 100m.  You know what, let's stick with Gangnam Style.  It has almost 2 billion views on YouTube.

Clare's head asplodes!  Remember, she's the one who's never been on vacation.  Just a lifetime staycation in Sacramento.  She's ready to crack some nuts!

Juanny P. is already in Seoul.  He's doing some Seoul-searching.  Just let the Seoul puns wash over you.  No point in fighting it.  Seoul, or at least downtown Seoul, is shiny.  Lots of lights, very Times Square-ish.  The girls arrive and are staying at the Hilton.  Nice plug.  

Date Card!  "POP!"  It's a group date.

Date 1: Group Date

5 girls plus Nikki, who thinks the other girls are annoying.  Foreshadowing?

We're gonna go do some dancing!  Not just any dancing, we're gonna dance with 2NE1!  Who is 2EN1, you ask?  Only one of Korea's most popular K-Pop groups.  I do love me some K-Pop.  I have no idea who 2NE1, pronounced like the number 21, is.  They seem nice.

Kat is pumped because she used to be a dancer.  Cassandra, where are you?  Will someone PLEASE bring out a pole?

The girls meet 2NE1.  They teach them how to do the dance to their song I Am The Best.  I'm not gonna lie, I like it.  2NE1 asks them if they want to dance with them at their mall concert later.  Like they have a choice.  Kat is psyched.  Nikki is being a baby about it.  She's terrified to dance in front of thousands of Koreans that she's never going to see again.  Do it for Juanny P., Nikki.

The girls get to wear some sweet outfits.  Juanny P. is wearing some sort of giant collar jacket.  It's like an enormous turtleneck, think Mugatu.  Kat's hat is my fave, it just says BOY.  Elise, chick with the M, has cornrows in half her hair.  She's really got that Ke$ha look going on now.

Let's go to the mall!  It's 2NE1 fever!  Subtitled music. I don't care, it's catchy.  Literally, the entire crowd is recording them.  Someone is recording them with an iPad. Teens are weird.

The girls are moving around fine.  Kat is spasming.  She thinks she's back to being a Phoenix Suns dancer.  Nikki is being catty.  I'm sensing a theme.  Man, the Bachelor ratings in Korea are gonna go through the roof!

Night time.  There is a rose to be given and Kat is on the prowl.  She is really up in his grill.  She tells him that her dad was an alcoholic. <drinks my beer>  He had 7 DUIs!  What?!  That's a lot of DUIs.  At what number does the state take away you car?  Geez.  She asks Juanny P. what his biggest fear is.  He gives her the standard "fear of not being there for my daughter" answer.  Didn't we go through this last week?  He just needs to hold a press conference so we can speed this up.

Oh man, Nikki is being a total B!.  She calls out Kat for being a two-face in front of the other 4 girls.  If she's talking about Kat behind her back, how do you think she talks about you behind your backs, other ladies? Yeah, I know.  Deep.

It gets awkward when Kat returns.  all the other girls are pretty turned off by Nikki.  She's not there to make friends, a la Courtney in Ben's season.  Dani calls Nikki negative.  Elise call Nikki negative.  They're both right.  Elise tells Juanny P. that Nikki's not mother material and she's just looking out for him.  Bad idea Elise. You're now in the friend zone.  Buh-bye.

Nikki get's some Juan-on-one time and man is she talking fast.  I hope Juanny P. can understand her.  He's not listening.  She loves kids!  Oh, yay!  Cuz Juanny P. has one. 

Nikki gets the rose. Kissy, kissy.

Back at the hotel... Sharleen the Ice Queen gets the Juan-on-one.

Date 2:  Juan-on-One with Sharleen the Ice Queen

Juanny P. is showering up.  Yeah, clean yo-self.  Wash them abs.  Work for the shower camera.  Work it, work it. 

Sharleen is ready and we are off to a Korean market.  She breaks out an Anchorman quote when talking about the smell of the market.  "Very pungent... Stings the nostrils." she says.  I literally saw the words go over Juanny P's head.  Well done, Sharleen.

Back at the hotel... Let's do our nails and talk shit about Sharleen.

Night time with Sharleen and Juanny P.  Sing for me Sharleen, says Juanny P.  Uh, she doesn't sing on the first date, bro.  I wouldn't either.  A woman has to have standards.  Ohhh.  Ok, fine.  I'll sing.  What?  Just like that?!  She sounds pretty good, for an opera singer.  Do some K-Pop!

Walking through a garden to dinner.  Sharleen thinks it was the perfect date.  If only.  Juanny P.  thinks they have lots in common.  He misses Venezuala a lot, just like she missed the US when she was in Germany singing.  “How many kids do you want?”  Juanny P. wants 2, maybe 3.  He pushes.  Its almost like he was forced to ask her over and over again, almost.  She doesn’t want kids.  Smart girl.  She’s having a hard time talking about it.  She’s going down, uses her focus on her career as her crutch.  He appreciates her honesty.  You get a rose!  And some tongue.  Sharleen is racking up the kisses.  She could be Juanny P’s Seoul-mate.  Hint: she's not.  None of them are.

Date 3: Group Date

Let's get Krazy.  We're gonna go out on the town.  The ladies are sucking in and walking tall.  Asses out, ladies.  Remember what they taught you in 'How to Get a Man so You Can Have Self Worth' school.

Clare tells us she can’t read Korean.  Ugh, this girl.  They go in to a karaoke house and they get their own personal room.  Love those things.  Andi doesn’t want to sing.  Get over yourself.  They sing to some random Korean music.  It's just a bunch of mumbling.  Where are the drinks?  Lemonade at the market? Better be vodka in there.  Digital photo booth.  Boat race on a Korean river.  This is a pretty fun date.  Low key and loose.

They enter a place called Dr. Fish Zone, where you get the fish pedicure.  There, a bunch of tiny fish eat at your feet removing dead skin.  I was hoping for piranhas.  Renee’s feet are the tastiest, probably because she’s the oldest.  Sorry, Renee. 

Clare is panicking a bit and Andi sniffs it out.  Walking around the market and Clare is clingy.  She tells Juanny P. that she doesn’t want to eat octopus, so of course Juanny P. gets it.  Sack up, Clare!  Eat the octopus while all the Koreans are taking pics of you.  I bet they think the girls are the Kardashians.  You know, because of the television cameras and because we all probably look alike to them.

Kelly thinks Clare was a bit over dramatic while eating the octopus.  “Her piece was so small.  I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that."  Was that written for her?  I’m starting to like the Dog Lover.  She's the drunk girl at the party with no filter, but it's funny.

Night time.  Clare is sitting next to Juanny P.  He doesn't want to kiss anyone tonight because he wants to be a good father.  Weak.  Guess who's probably not gonna watch this show Juanny P., your 6 year old daughter.  Can we please get a Bachelor who has no kids or morals next time?

Kelly notices how possessive Clare is.  Clare is digging for info on each other’s Juan-on-one time.

Andi gets some Juan-on-One time.  They’re just staring at the stars and having small talk.  She’s basically asking him to kiss her so he grabs her nose.  Boop.  Go get your nose back, Andi!  Juanny. P. is treating the girls like his kid.

Lauren gets some time.  She goes in for the kiss.  Shot down.  That's embarrassing.  Now she's crying to the camera because she thinks he's not interested.  Doy.  See ya.  She's not cut out for this.  She's too nice.  You need a bit of a mean streak.

Oh boy, Lauren is crying to Juanny P. now.  They hug.  Kelly calls it a sad hug.  Andi goes to give her a pep talk. 

Now it's the Kelly show.  Clare says that she's "Not gonna try to kiss him."  Emphasis on 'try'.  Kelly with the eye roll.  She’s funny.  Too bad she likes dogs so damn much.  I hope she's okay without her dog in Korea.  Probably a good thing they didn't bring food to Korea.  Kelly and Andi imitate Juanny P. and Clare.  They’re fun together. Maybe I'll start following them on Instagram.  Probably not.

Clare is extremely flirty, like too much.  I'm having flashbacks to Ashlee Frazier from last season.  If Clare gets to the final and is not chosen, she’s gonna go HAM.  He feeds her a cookie, like she's his daughter. She’s into it.  Goes in for a kiss.  You weak, weak man!  Clare stays through the Fantasy Suite, I say.  She’ll give it up.  But what about your daughter Juanny P.?

Who gets the rose?  Andi does.  Suck it Clare, who once again is sitting next to Juanny P.  Hands above the blanket, you guys.

Cocktail Party

It's not really a cocktail party but it is being held in a really cool palace.  I think it was this one.

Gyeongbokgung Palace

Clare, the hairstylist, is bananas.  I would hate to be her boyfriend who had his hair cut by her, then she finds out you cheated on her and he doesn't know.  Oh, I'm just gonna get a haircut from my girlfriend.  Good bye hair.  Duck before the flat iron hits you.  Stab, stab, stab.  Probably wouldn't be the first stabbing in a Sacramento salon.

Nikki, "Since when does it mean that having a rose means that you can’t go talk to Juanny P."  I’m with you, Nikki.  She goes in and interrupts Clare's Juan-on-one time.  Perfect.  Clare is ticked.  Nikki tells Juanny P. an old Korean proverb. "When a guy likes a girl, he looks her in the eye.  When a girl likes a guy, she looks away."  She thinks that her eyes keep secrets.  That’s why you wear sunglasses.  So no one can see into your Seoul.  All the girls are hating on Nikki.  Gossip.  Gossip.  Gossip.

Clare and Nikki are not buddies.  Clare calls out Nikki for being a two-face.  No, Clare!  Bad, Clare!  Do not engage.  You must learn to ignore the others.  Ignoring the others is for the best.  She can't do it. 

Rose Ceremony

Hola, Señor Harrison. 

Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi all have rosas.

Let the handing out of la rosas commence.  First rose to Renee.  Come on down!  Gotta be away from your kid a little while longer.   Chelsie and Kelly, you get rosas.  Clare looks on, disapprovingly.  Danielle, Cassandra.  3 left.  Allison (who? I honestly couldn’t pick her out of a lineup if she had a shirt that said “Allison” on it.)  Clare gets a rosa!  Breathe easy Clare.  1 left!  Kat!  Der.  That was a no brainer.  Goodbye Ke$ha and Lauren.  Enjoy walking down the cobblestone walkway in heels. 

Why are they not playing Soul II Soul's Back to Life, back to reality?  They could play this at the end of every Bachelor walk of shame, really.  But it's too perfect for the two women leaving Seoul.  Soul II Soul was totally robbed of a Grammy in 1991 for ‘Best New Artist’ by Milli Vanilli.  There's some timely Grammy trivia for ya.

Elise is bitter.  Here come the tears.  I like your beard.  Have a fun 12 hour flight back to Forty Fort, PA. Get back to work.

Lauren, piano-bike girl, is hurt.  She is dominating that cobblestone walkway.   And, tears.  She thinks she made mistakes. It’s not your fault, Lauren.  It’s not your fault.  Pssst... It's your fault.

Onward to Vietnam, without Robin Williams.  I hope there’s a group date where they go to work in a rice field.

Credits

Montage of Juanny P. lip syncing and the girls dancing to the K-pop song from 2NE1.  I can't stop listening to it.

Bachelor Wedding: Groan Sexy

I guess if I’m gonna do this blog I might as well go all the way and do it all.  That includes the wedding of Season 17 Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici.  Let’s begin. 

Sean and Catherine are the 4^th Bachelor/ette couple to get married out of 26 (17 Bachelor seasons, 9 Bachelorette).  They’re getting married in Santa Barbara at the Four Season Biltmore.  Rooms run about $395 and up.  Looks lovely.  I won’t be staying there.

Road Trip to Dallas

4 months before they get married they take a road trip.  This looks painful.  Cat says they are so “fun and kooky.”  If the meaning of “fun and kooky” is “let’s take selfies all the time,” then yes, you are “fun and kooky."  Will a cop please pull them over?

The two of them have been living separately this entire time.  Respect.  That can't be easy.  Cat is staying with a hot friend of Sean’s while he lives in his apt. a few blocks away. 

The best part of the show is the Picture-in-Picture shots of the bed that we are to believe Sean and Catherine will be “doing it” on.  They call it the Honeymoon suite cam.  It is shown EVERY time sex is discussed.  Gross.

Catherine is super clingy.

Back in Dallas… Sean says his family treats her like family.  I hope so, cause if they don't... Awwkwaaarrd.  Sean’s mom is a hottie and his dad, Jay, is kind of awesome.  He’s a pastor that Sean asks to officiate the wedding.  That’s nice of Sean.  He can officiate mine if that ever happens.  Jay needs his own show.

PIP – Andy Dick talking to Sean’s dad.  It’s not a Bachelor Wedding if Andy Dick isn’t there.

Catherine’s laugh is an acquired taste.

Wedding Planning

We’re getting closer to the wedding.  I promise.  But for now we’re meeting with the wedding planner, Jennifer Lopez, 76 days before the wedding.  Is that normal?  Seems like a short amount of time.  This is where we get our first taste of ‘grown sexy’.  Catherine’s definition of ‘grown sexy’ is “Sophisticated with an air of sexy.”  Grown sexy is Catherine’s way of telling herself that she wants to be an adult.  She’s 27.  Cat, you’re an adult.  K.

The wedding planner to the stars, AKA JLo, asks her about their sex life. 

PIP – Honeymoon suite cam.  This time with the bed getting turndown service from the maid.  Gross.

Chris Harrison leads us into commercial by saying “For Sean, it’s all about the wedding night.”  Also, gross.

Wedding Dress Shopping

More ‘grown sexy’ talk.  Getting real sick of this.

Cat tries on dresses.  Crista, her maid of honor loves Cat’s silhouette in one of them.  Crista, I have $500 for you if you can spell silhouette.  S-I-L-L-O-W-E-T.

Catherine has “fallen in love” with multiple dresses.  That must be in the bachelor scripts.

Do you want to know what Sean was doing while Cat was trying on wedding dresses?  Of course you do!  He was shopping for lingerie.  Ooh-la-la.

Sean enters the lingerie store with burlesque music playing in the background.

PIP – Back to the Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

The sales woman wants to know Cat’s size so she can help poor Sean.  “Uh, she’s a chesty woman.” 

“Don’t be afraid to touch things.” Says the saleswoman.  There’s a lot of giggling.  Get it together Sean, you’ve had sex before.  Remember!  'Born again' does not mean 'never has'.  In fact, it means 'used to do'.

That above link may be good enough for a recap.  I don’t know how much longer I can go here.  I’ll do my best.

Guests are arriving.  Can you feel it?  Everlasting love.

More sex talk.  According to Chris Harrison the whole nation has been talking about it.  I know, we can't stop talking about it!

Sean and Cat go mess around with cakes.  This is stupid, too. Gotta kill time somehow.  The cake they design looks like something my 2 year old niece would make.  It's not their wedding cake, this is.  That's a lot of brown.

PIP – Des and Chris.  Where’s her brother?

Time to show her the gifts, Sean.  Giggle, giggle.  Uncontrollable giggling.  Lingerie is “fancy icing for my body,” says Catherine.  Gun emoticon.

More grown sexy talk.  Oh, god.  Make it stop.  Oh, I can?  Ok, I’ll check out the Grammy’s.  Oh no, it’s Taylor Swift, and what the hell is on Pharrell’s head?  Is that a popover?  Does he have forest fires to put out after the show?  Fine, back to the wedding.

We’re a month away and now we’re flower shopping at Mark’s Garden owned by Mark and Mindy.  Yeah, Mark and Mindy. I know.  Nanu, nanu.  Mark and Mindy do such a great job finding ‘grown sexy’ flowers.  I’m beginning to think it’s more like ‘groan sexy’.  Fun fact:  Mark and Mindy did flowers for Jessica Simpson’s wedding.  I don’t know which one, but I do know that she and Nick Lachey married 11 years ago today.  The more you know.

Let’s see, what else?  What else?   This guy does her hair.  Jose Bear.  He's a cowboy, or something like that.  I wish I knew how to quit you!

Catherine has a 'groan sexy' boudoir photo shoot “for Sean’s eyes only.”  Which, by the way, is the new bond movie. 

PIP – Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

Chris Harrison Chat

Cat says that she’s a barnacle because she’s always attached to him.  Told you she was clingy.  I hope she has some friends.

Chris asks if the ‘Virgin Bachelor’ talk has taken it’s toll.  He's got 99 problems but ''Virgin Bachelor' talk ain't one.  You know why, because you've had sex.  Poser. 

PIP– Yup, Honeymoon suite cam.  Gross.

More awkward sex talk…

Wedding

Finally, it’s wedding time.

Neil Lane is sitting 5^th row, aisle.  Nice seats, Neil!

The bridesmaids have some very nice pink dresses while the groomsmen wear black tuxedos.  Lookin’ good, everyone.  Neil!  Get off your phone!

Catherine walks down the aisle by herself to a couple of cellists, who go by '2Cellos', playing Michael Jackson’s ‘Human Nature’.  I like that song.  It kind of makes sense.  Why?  Why?

Sean is losing it.  He's sweet.

Oh, hey Cat's mom and dad.  They meet her at the end of the walk down the aisle.  1^st time we’ve seen her dad. 

Catherine is heaving.  Sean is right, she is chesty.

Sean’s dad is nailing it.  Great job, Jay!

We go to commercial and come back to Chris Harrison catching us up to speed.  I can only imagine that they went through some of the more religious aspects of the Catholic Wedding they are having.  Can’t have too much religion, ABC.  I’m surprised they didn’t have this wedding in a Church.  Sean is Catholic and Catherine recently got baptized.  That's true love, y'all.

Vows

Catherine – Love sprinkles... Explosions of love…  Tonight they get to become one…  Not bad, Cat.  Not bad.

Sean – Wants more giggle… It doesn’t matter how you meet your partner.  It matters that you met them…

Married!!!

Rings exchanged.

Yada, yada, yada… You may kiss the bride!  Yay!  Surprised they didn’t cut to the Honeymoon suite cam.

Credits

Honeymoon suite with Porn music playing.  Good lord.  Out go the lights with owl and train noises.  Classic. Is that a rodent?  Horse whinnies?  What is going on?  Okay. Okay.  I hope there's never another Bachelor Wedding.

See you in Seoul Korea tomorrow night!

Are You Comfortable? S18, Ep3

Reading time: 10 mins.

Hope everyone had a great MLK Day, I know I did.  I’m a few IPAs down and I’m ready to rock.  Let’s do this!  What, you think I watch this sober?  Think again, muchachos!

Wakey, wakey, ladies.  It’s time for some coffee and Juanny P. gossip before Chris Harrison makes an appearance to dole out the 1^st solo date with Juanny. P.  Geez, Chris.  What are you wearing, dude?  An un-tucked long sleeve shirt (black top, blue bottom) that you can’t even buy on his clothing website.  It’s that bad.

Bring out the envelope.  Me, me, me, me.  I want to read it.

Date 1: Juan-on-One with Cassandra

Hi. I'm Rodney.

Quick fun bio on Cassandra: She’s a lithe 21 year old former Detroit Pistons dancer who has a 2 year old son with Detroit Pistons player Rodney Stuckey.  He’s been playing well of late (put up 29 points last night) and is in the final year of a 3 year, $28.5 million contract.  Nowhere in the Detroit Pistons Dancer FAQs does it answer the question “Can I have sex with the players?”  So I guess it’s ok. Baby momma is gonna be fine.  Put on a smile, Rodney.

OK!  Let’s hop in a limo and go see Juanny P.!  Man, does this guy know how to treat a lady or what?  He pulls out all the stops, on his dime.  Thanks ABC.

Juanny P. and Cassandra go for a drive in a car.  No big deal, right?  Until he decides to drive the car straight into the water.  Okay, who let Juanny P. drive?!  Oh, whoa!  The car turns into a boat.  A boat that has some giddy-up.  They are really cruising in this thing, and it’s kind of loud.  “ISN’T IT GREAT HAVING A CONVERSATION ON THIS CAR-BOAT!!!“ ...  “QUE!” ...  "I SAID! OH, NEVERMIND!"

Bikini-time for Cassandra!  Juanny P. is getting some action.  Bow Chicka-wow-wow.  God bless this horned up 32 year old homophobe for getting some 21 year old action.  If you didn’t hear, Juanny P. doesn’t want to see gays on TV.  What a Dingus.  But, he does have gay friends, so, ya know.  No offense.  Offense taken.

Back at Juanny P's Pad we take a look at drawings and paintings that his kid made on the fridge.  They’re terrible!  Rainbows?  Animals?  Played out!  Did a 5 year old draw these?  Be original.  Ugh, kids.

They dance while some awful, obviously dubbed over salsa music is being played over whatever they are actually dancing to.  Lame!  What kind of music does he listen too?!  I need to know!  I have to judge. I get it, ABC would probably have to pay for us to listen to whatever they are playing.

Cassandra casually mentions that she hasn’t had a date in 3 years.  She’s buzzed off the Zima and talking about malted milk balls.  This is painful.  Here are some pictures of my kid.  Oh man, kill me now.  She brought actual pics of her son but Juanny P. gets to show her pics of his kid on his phone.  Why does he get a phone?  No phones for anyone!

 

This is getting awkward.  Look, she’s really pretty, but she’s also 21 years old.  Older people, do you remember what it was like being 21.  We thought we knew everything.  We didn’t.  We were idiots.  Absolute idiots.

Does she get a rose.  Of course!  Wait, what?  Juanny P. needs to know more about her, like "Who is your baby daddy and what does he do?” and "Would you like to join me in the fantasy suite?"  It’s seriously Awkwardsville.  That’s a real town, you guys.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion… Dog Lover Kelly has had some wine and thinks she deserves something.  

Group date card!

NEXT!

Date 2: Group Date

Soccer time!  Juanny P. is psyched!  He’s in his element.  Soccer! Kicking! Guitar Riffs!  YEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Juanny P. tells us that he gave up soccer when his daughter was born.  Ugh, kids ruin everything.

Andi is impressed that he is playing on the same field that David Beckham played on.  Does she really know that?  He must be on a banner outside on the concourse somewhere.  Bend it like Juanny P.!

Juanny P. is sweaty and the girls like that.  The girls are in short shorts and Juanny P. likes that.  The ten girls play a little game of 5-on-5.  Nikki does a decent Brandi Chastain impression after scoring a goal, sans taking off her shirt.  HAND BALL!  HAND BALL!  REFEREE JUANNY P.  DO SOMETHING!  WHAT?!  NO PENALTY KICK!  Now Juanny P. is playing with the blue team.  These rules are awful.  We must have rules here or else or Bachelor society is going to crumble

Commercial

Next Sunday, the most exciting wedding ever!  Sean and Catherine from season 17.  Unless they have a chocolate fountain like they do at Golden Corral, I seriously doubt it.

Cocktail Party

Still at the Stubhub Center in Carson, CA where they have free reign.  Nikki’s legs came to play tonight.  Juanny P. tells her that his biggest fear is that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  Nikki tells Juanny P. that she doesn’t want to get hurt.  Neither of them wants to get hurt in the heart.  Juanny P. is starting to smell chum in the water.  No kiss.

Andi’s turn to play.  Juanny P. takes her behind a concession stand.  With sodas in tow, Juanny P. gets a little weird when he makes her go to the kitchen and cook something.  Probably nachos.  What, they're easy to make.  He’s sexist, homophobic, and plays soccer.  He’s a triple threat!

Sharleen and Juanny P. decide to head out to the 50 yard line.  Juanny P. thinks he’s Wooderson now.  "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. All right, all right, all right".  He tells Sharleen that she has “class.” That seems lost in translation after they flick their tongues back and forth at each other while the other girls' stares burn holes through them from the concourse above.  Andi is especially jealous.  Andi.  Babe.  Juanny P. is at Baskin-Robbins.  He needs to taste all 31 flavors.  There’s nothing wrong with having a sample of German Chocolate after Butter Pecan when you’re El Bachelor.

♫ Head games, 'til I can't take it anymore.  Head games, instead of makin' love.  Head games. ♫

All the girls think they should get a rose and they also don’t know if they will get one.  Juanny P. gives the group date rose to Nikki, whom he didn’t kiss.  Now the girls who kissed him are furious.  Relax ladies, you're gonna have to kiss him some more.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion… It's between two teachers, Chelsie and Elise, for the last date. Chelsie gets the Juan-on-one card.  “Do you trust me?”  Uh, oh.  Sounds like a Fear date.  Elise is jel.  Meow!

NEXT!

Date 3:  Juan-on-One with Chelsie

Chelsie, like Cassandra, proclaims that she hasn’t had a date in, like, forever.  C’mon fellas, Chelsie cleans up real nice.

Date starts with him picking up Chelsie in ‘his’ BMW 7 series.  They are jamming to Spanish music.  What the hell is going on?  They have imaginary maracas.  Stop. Stop. Stop.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion... Elise, 27, is talking to Cassandra, 21, about Chelsie, 24, being to young. Elise will not be teaching her children about logic.

Back to Chelsie and Juanny P.  They go to a Venezualan area in LA for some food.  Juanny P. is impressed with Chelsie because she can eat.  Well, it’s time to throw all that up Chelsie, it’s Fear date time!  Let’s Bungee!!!  Chelsie, just do it!  Fear dates are the best.  You get to stay a little while longer.  It’s an easy rose.  He’s practically giving you that rose.  

Cool hat, dude.

The Bungee jump coach appears to be wearing this hat, with a goatee.  Extreme!  He also loves Diet Dew and Doritos.  Can he be the next bachelor?  I’ll start the petition.

Juanny P. is even scared a little.  Two heartbeats pounding together.  Do it Chelsie, it’s worth it!  He has to talk her into it.  There are tears.  Someone push them already.  Ahh, commercial.  I hate this show.

Still talking about jumping.  Zzzzzzz….  He’s talking her into it.  He does have a 5 year old.  You can talk 5 year olds into anything.  Not that I would know.  Juanny P. is very persuasive.  Or is he?  More talking.  Push them, golf hat bro.  Push them.  She’s kind of losing it.  One last attempt.  Okay.  SHE’S GONNA  JUMP!  Hooray!!! Television producers made sure that the jump was safe.  No one's getting hurt, Chelsie.  Upside down kiss, not like Spiderman though.  Alright, drag ‘em up.  Let’s go.  It was actually pretty epic.  And that’s why fear dates are the ones you want.  Chelsie closes with, “If we can jump off a bridge together I’m pretty sure we can get though anything.”  Exactly, Chelsie.  Exactly.

For the night-time portion of the date we are at City Hall in Pasadena.  “It’s like a movie scene.”  No shit, Chelsie.  Chelsie asks him what his biggest fear is.  It’s not being a good example to his kid.  You didn’t say that earlier.  Who are you lying to Juanny P.?  Yourself, that’s who.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion... Elise is still disappointed.  More talk about Chelsie being too young to Kat, 29.  Kat, “How old are you?”  Elise, “27.”  Kat gives her an eye roll.  Love you Kat Hurd.  BTW, Kat's the crazy one now.

Back to Chelsie.  That rose holds so much power.  Chelsie can’t stop looking at it.  Juanny P. appreciates her ‘courage’ and ‘trust’.  He gives her a rose.  Juanny P. looks tired.  It’s time for some sleep.

This date was the best day of Chelsie’s entire life.  But wait, there's more.  OK.  What the Fudge?  Is that Billy Currington?  That’s kind of a big country name.  His album has burned up the iTunes charts to #177. The Bachelor bump!  Last weeks artist, insert Russian last name here, is nowhere to be found on the top 200. Sad trombone.

Bungee jumping and Billy Currington is a pretty good day.  Awkward dancing ensues. Tiny forehead kisses. Okay, now it's time a siesta.

NEXT!

Pool Party

Juanny P. shows up to the mansion to make a Venezualan breakfast for the girls, basically eggs, tortillas, and pork.  The girls are probably all hungover from a hard day of tanning and margaritas.  Kelly is the first one up to walk her dog.  Juanny P scares the shit out of her.  She needs to put on her ‘face,' as she walks by Juanny P. holding her hand in front of her face so he doesn't see how hideous she is.  I think she looks fine.  These girls need to know that it’s not too early in their ‘realtionship’ to not wear makeup.  Not a big deal.  In fact, it's encouraged.

Cocktail party is cancelled in lieu of a pool party.  Uh, where is Christy.  Oh, there she is.  No camera time for my girl.  Juanny P. is a smart man getting these girls into bikinis.  Dammit, the bachelor producers have me giving him credit now.

Chicken fight in the pool!  Kat is on Juanny P’s shoulders.  They are dominating.  It looks like she’s going to pop his head off with her thighs.  Dog Lover Kelly calls her a whore.  Woof! 

Sharleen the Ice Queen doesn’t want to be there.  I bet Juanny P. tries to talk her out of it.  Yup, he does.  He’s a caretaker.  He loves to help those who are in need and aren’t comfortable.  She’s no dummy either.  Sharleen the Ice Queen  knows how to play the game too.  Once these women see that Juanny P. likes to take care of people, he is putty in their hands.  Sharleen and Juanny P. share a long hug.  He has a pillow between his legs.  I would too.  They have a little kissy, kissy.  She is sexy, I’ll give her that. The other girls are across the pool.  Secrets, whispering, subtitles.  The girls hate Sharleen now.  Clare is starting to feel the pressure too.  Get used to it, kiddo.  It's starting to feel like Lord of the Flies at the Bachelor Mansion. Which one is Piggy?

“This isn’t an easy process.” says Clare   Put your game faces on ladies.  Clare is having a hard time being shared.  Clare brings her concerns to Juanny P.  He’s here to help you Clare, as Juanny P. settles into his “I’m listening” pose.  Personally, I just think these girls are really missing their phones.  So much time to kill.  They need their Candy Crush!  Surprise, after the talk Clare feels better!  That’s nice.

Chris Harrison shows up as they make the girls look into the sun at him and Juanny P.  Gotta get that lighting right.  Chris drags Juanny P. away.  Where’s Christy!?!  Nothing for her the last two episodes?!  Shame. She’ll move out to SoCal soon anyway.  They all do.  The Bachelor always turns these girls onto the SoCal lifestyle.

Rose Ceremony

Nikki, Chelsie, and Cassandra already have rosas.

Rose time after a  Juanny P. speech – Andi, Renee (mom), Kelly w/ her dog in tow.  No, no, no, no, no, no!  Get rid of her now!  Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli.  3 rosas to go!  Clare, Lauren.  1 left.  Oh, hey Chris. Danielle get’s the last rose.

Buh Bye, Christy and Lucy.  Bummer, it’s gonna be a boring two months.  We’ve lost most of the unstable women.  Juanny P. is taking this too damn seriously.  Sharleen and Kat may be our last hope.

Christy, don't cry.  I’ll miss you

Lucy takes off her heels for the walk of shame. I would do that too, but she probably doesn’t want to wear shoes at all.  She’s kind of normal during the exit interview when she’s not acting like such a free spirit.  Lucy has started to grow on me. After all, she is good friends with Kate Upton.  Would Kate Upton have super weird friends?  Probably.

Promo 

Sean and Catherine’s wedding.  Do we have to hear the sex talk?  "Earmuffs" next time, gah.

Credits

Chelsie is all giggly with Juanny P.  Dammit, Elise is right.

Next week, let’s go to the orient!  How do you say Juanny P. in Cantonese?

Have I mentioned that I hate myself?

El Bachelor. S18, Ep2

Reading time: 10 minutes.

I love The Bachelor, you love The Bachelor, we all love The Bachelor.  I wrote a mere 1600 words, with minimal typos and sentence structure mistakes, because a lot happened in episode 2 so I won’t bore you with a forward.  Let’s get to some Juanny P.!

Date 1: Clare

Clare is a 32 year old Hair Stylist from Sacramento who has NEVER BEEN ON VACATION.  What?!  Well, I guess living in Sactown is basically a staycation.  She doesn’t go to bars or date online.  Just like me!  Because of her failure to seemingly have a normal social life she is obviously hopeful that her and Juanny P. will have a future together.  It reminds me of when I go out and have a cute waitress who is flirty.  “I think she likes me.  I’m gonna ask for her number.”  Noooo!  It’s forced contact.  All they want is a better tip.  Sorry Clare, it ain’t happenin’.  That’s crazy talk.  However, if you stick around long enough you will get a tip.  Not sure how big, though.

The date starts off with her being whisked away in front of the other girls.  They are so totally jel.  She is then blindfolded as they go for a drive.  I have no idea how long.  30 minutes?  Oh, geez.  Is Scorsese directing this episode?  Seems like it’s a play for the ’50 Shades’ crowd.  Juanny P. drives her to a secluded spot in LA where there is fake snow, an ice rink, and a hot tub.  As they begin to play in the snow I pray for Juanny P. to rear back, drill her with a snowball, then rub her face in it.  Then I realize that Juanny P. has probably never seen Dumb and Dumber and I get sad.

They ice skate, barely.  It is melting ice in 65 degree weather, after all.  They hot tub.  Clare tells Juanny P. about her father who died from brain cancer.  Way to be a buzzkill, Clare.  (By the way, the last time I applied for the show I brought up my mother dying from brain cancer.  Didn’t work.  Bachelor casting must be more sentimental now.). Juanny P. makes Clare feel like a kid again! She’s known him for 3 hours and she’s ready to move in with him.  Bitches be cray.  She gets a rose, Juanny P. gets some tongue, then they walk over to dance and listen to some guy I’ve never heard of named Josh Krajcik play some music.  His album is up to #52 on iTunes. The Bachelor Bump!

For some reason in the middle of the date the producers needed to throw in a quick clip of Lucy, the “Free Spirit who tries too hard to be a Free Spirit,” running around naked.  She’s awful and needs a tutorial in how to apply makeup, but she’ll be around for a little while longer because who doesn’t like naked girls who don’t wear shoes?  Gross.

NEXT!

Date 2: Kat

Next date goes to Kat Hurd.  Yup, Kat Hurd.  I can’t even make that up.  Well, I could.  She’s 29, a medical sales rep., and has been fooled into thinking Malcolm Gladwell is her favorite author.  She’s also a former NBA dancer, one of 2 on the show.  C’mon.

During her pre-date interview she called the show ‘real life’.  Where’s my gun?

They head to the airport for a ride on a private jet.  She wants the man of her dreams to surprise her like this all the time.  That’s cute.  She thinks the jet is his.  Thanks ABC.

The jet takes them to Salt Lake City for an electric run 5K.  How much money did Active pay for The Bachelor get to do this awful date?  Whatever.  Juanny P. surprises her with a neon running outfit on the way to SLC.  Just like Pretty Woman only with slightly less prostutution!  Yay!

The date goes smoothly.  They run, they dance, and they kiss.  Juanny P. gives her a rose because he’s bad at letting people down.

NEXT!

Date 3: Group Date

3 girls don’t get a date.  The girls that do get to go on the date are in for a surprise.  Doggies!!   Juanny P. and the women are doing a calendar photo shoot for a dog charity.  Kelly, the girl whose job somehow is ‘Dog Lover’ is stoked.  How much do Dog Lover’s make?

The group goes to the hottest club in LA, Dog Calendar Photoshoot.  Dog Calendar Photoshoot has everything.  A photographer with a blue goatee.  A naked Lucy walking a dog around the block because she’s such a free spirit, you guys.  Dog lover Kelly dressed like a bald dog.  Cardboard outfits that leave nothing to the imagination but lead to complaining.  And human fire hydrants.

The only part of the calendar shoot I did not agree with was when they put makeup on the dogs.  I know they have to look good, but come on.  Seems cruel.

Thank god that’s over.  It’s night time and we’re on top of a hotel in LA, typical.  Let’s do some drinking!  Juanny P. grabs Cassandra, 21, the other former NBA dancer for some alone time.  She’s a nervous wreck because she has something she needs to tell Juanny P.  She has a 2 year old son!  What?!  Oh, I get it, Juanny P. has a kid so we need to find other women with kids that he can relate to.  They won’t win.  Never have, never will.

In the meantime, Victoria, 24, is getting slammered.  Nikki wants to help her.  Don’t help her Nikki, let her burn.  Victoria thinks life is about “straddling things.”  I agree.  Victoria, my number is 858-220-4***.  Call me.

Victoria is out of her mind.  I’m a fan.  Going to be sad when she’s sent home in 45 minutes, or sooner. She’s in a bikini in the pool and RIPPED UP.  Of course the other girls are catty towards her.  Good for them.  She decides to aimlessly wander around, goes to the bathroom and loses her mind.  Renee, the mother of the 8 year old consoles her, because she’s acting like an 8 year old. This is really the only time I want subtitles.  I can’t understand Vicky.  She also probably hates being called Vicky.  Too bad.

Slammered Vicky wants to go home. After some crying and having the producers help her out a bit, she runs back into the bathroom.  I’m in love.  Juan Pablo to the rescue.  Vicky’s not having any of it. “No. No.” as she crouches in what I’m sure is a clean bathroom stall.  Get it together, girl.  Juanny P. leaves to go give the girls the old ‘I’ve been there’ pep talk.  Bo-ring, like this recap. Rose time – Dog Lover Kelly gets it.

It’s the next morning, and hot damn Nikki in a bikini.  ‘Sup, girl.  JP goes to visit Vicky.  She apologizes.  The girls feel sorry for Juanny P. because of the Vicky situation.  Don’t cry for Juanny P., Venezuela!  He’ll be fine.  He sends Vicky home. I’m bummed that the house is less cray.  Alas, she’s not gonna be a mom to a 4 year old.  But she will be more famous, so there’s that.  Although, at last look she only has 750 Twitter followers.  So, maybe not.

Before we get to the cocktail party we get an M&M’s commercial with Juanny P. and one of those talking M&M’s .  Lame.  Mars wants us to use the hashtag #ManCandyMonday on twitter.  I’m never having an M&M again.

Cocktail Party Time

Juanny P.  lets the ladies know that Vicky is gone baby, gone.  All the girls nod in approval because they’re heartless and more ‘deserving’.  One of my favorite things these women say is that they 'deserve' this.  "I'm 24, pretty, and can't find a man. Woe is me."  I think Justin Timberlake wrote a song about these women, it's called 'Cry Me A River'.  And look at Britney now.  She turned out just fine.  Very stable.

Juanny P.  picks Amy, pretty news reporter whose favorite show is Big Bang Theory,  out of the sea of vile temptresses for some alone time.  She failed to get one of the earlier dates, so she decides to take this opportunity to make an audition tape.  Juanny P. is unimpressed.

Now it’s Sharleen’s turn for alone time.  She got the 1^st rose last week and was kind of rude about it.  Just an absolute Ice Queen.  She brings it up, apologizes to Juanny P., he brushes it off.

21 year old Cassandra misses her son, and her childhood.  So for some reason she thinks this is the time to bring out pics of him and look through them.  What the hell is going on?   Renee consoles her.  Knock it off Renee!  We get it!  You’re a mom, too.  You like to take care of people.

Juanny P. comes upstairs, hoping for a threesome with the 2 moms. He knows they’ve both had sex at least once.  Get your head out of the gutter, Juanny P.!  Cassandra starts to feel better so Juanny P. gives her a fist bump.  She blows it up.  Man, she is too young for this show.

Rose Ceremony:

Here comes Chris Harrison. I swear he does less and less each season.  Dude is barely there.  His time to shine is the final few episodes anyway.

Roses are doled out – Cassandra, Nikki, Andi (Hot Assistant DA), Elise (1^st Grade Teacher), Sharleen the Ice Queen, Renee.  Six rosas left - Danielle (who), Lucy (Free Spirit), Allison, Chelsie, Lauren.  Ah, 1 to go!  Christy from Chicago gets it.  Back off Juanny P., she’s mine!  None of the last 6 ‘rose getters’ stand a chance.  Enjoy your 15 minutes, ladies.

Girls who get bounced are slammered Victoria, Amy the news reporter, and Chantel, the only, ahem, really tan girl in the house.

Hey look, credits!  The credits involved Kelly with her dog.  Man, she sure does love dogs.  A lot.  Red flag.

See ya next week.  Now, get back to work!